How to say goodbye to a miscarried child

No mom wants to let go of the little one lost at or before birth, but sadly part of the grieving process is saying goodbye. What are ways you have found to honor the child who passed on, and helped you to say goodbye?

32  Answers

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Hi ladies, I have never lost a child but I was really torn up about this topic...I had to stop by and just to say how strong you all are. I don't know what you are going through but my heart breaks for you. You are all in my prayers. God Bless you all and your angels

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Talking to others who went through it was the most helpful. Found an article in Newsweek titled "Mourning a Miscarriage" written by a woman who had been there. I kept that article in my work files and shared it with supervisors and friends to help them deal with employees and family going through the same trauma. It is heartbreaking and most understood when experienced. People who have not been through it simply do NOT understand and many will say the worst things imaginable. They may mean well, but what they say isn't received well. Hurtful and more heartache. The single most helpful words to me were that I would never get over it. We all mourn differently....no one way is better than another, just different. We're all entitled to mourn our own way and to know that the hurt will find its place in your heart and life. So don't beat yourself up when you find yourself sad on a particular day and then notice on the calendar that it was your duedate or other associated memory. Find what comforts you and cherish it. Love yourself and move on. I miscarried 3 times and finally adopted. I still ache that i never got to experience carrying a child, but i certainly don't feel cheated in how parenting came to me....until recently when a birthmother interferred and actually took action to try and take guardianship of the child once she turned 15 and was going through a rebellious stage. I had adopted this child at birth. This birthmother never accepted the adoption and created havoc and pain in all our lives. If I could do it over, i would NEVER again have allowed her to have contact and wish we'd moved away from her. But, hindsight is 20-20. God promises to be there to carry you when the load is too heavy. Don't blame Him, but turn to Him and he will give you comfort and peace and train you up in how your life will go.

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And I thought I was alone, I miscarried my baby girl just before starting my 6 months. I called her Miracle because that's what she was to me and I loved her deeply. She was born alive and the doctors said we have to let her go coz she wouldnot survive. I have lived with the silent and alone pain for over 2 years now, my huusband doesnt like talking about it, slowly the pain is lessening but i still feel her presence. She is still my miracle...

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My heart aches for you, Carol. Thank you for sharing your story. God bless you!

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When I miscarried at 11 weeks several years ago (blighted ovum) I place her in a small box and buried her in my garden. I had a private prayer. I then bought a small heart (tiny) and had it put on my charm bracelet to always remember the child. How did I know it was a girl? I don't really, but exactly on the night of due date I dreamed about having a painless labor and gave birth to a girl named Anna. So I felt it was a sign that the child I lost was a girl.

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In the fall of 2010 I suffered my first miscarriage. It was a very hard thing to go through. Our daughter who was 6 then was super excited about the baby & we started calling it Peanut. When I was going on 10 weeks lost the baby. That was one of the hardest Holidays ever. I cried, blamed myself and even complained to God. I think the worse part was not being able to "birth" Peanut. That Christmas my husband sent me some roses at work with a little box tucked in it. In the box was a tiny peanut charm to add to my new charm bracelet. It was a bit bitter sweet to get it, but now I'm at a place that when I miss Peanut I rub the little charm. This past August of 2011 I suffered another miscarriage. The most devastating part of this one was instead of one fetus there were two. I was able to "birth" these & even though it was a bit gross seeing everything being discharged there was no mistaking when the sack came out. Having the chance to say goodbye and sorry made a huge difference. We lovingly nicknamed them "The Beans" and I'm currently looking for a bean charm or something to symbolize them. I have found that talking to other womeb that have gone through miscarriages helps soothe my soul.

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I miscarried our third at about 9 weeks and saw the sack.I actually picked it up and popped it in a paper towel and put it in the fridge as we were staying at my inlaws on holidays. I had planned to bring it home and put it in a plant to keep it ....however someone accidently threw it out when they were cleaning out the fridge. I called this one Jamie as it can be a girls or boys name.

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I lost my baby after eight weeks of pregnancy on Nov. 15th, 2006. I was a nurse working with disabled children. One day a child I was attending to had a pain that made him kick out his leg as a reflex. He kicked me right in the lower part of my abdomen. I knew immediately something was wrong. I just didn't feel right. That night I started spotting. Over the next several days my husband and I went in to the ER because the bleeding kept getting worse. We had two ultrasounds while the baby was still alive. I feel so lucky that we were able to see his little heart beating. I don't know why, but I always felt that he was a boy. Anyway, my husband and I were both devastated when we lost our little love. I wasn't sad about a future we didn't have. I wasn't worried if I could have more children or not. I simply wanted my baby back. It's funny because it seems like any other time that something bad has happened in my life I was so quick to ask God, "why, and how long will you allow this to continue" even though I know the answer. Your heart still asks. But this time I knew that the only person who could comfort me, the only person who could give me what my heart desired was God. He was my best friend, the scriptures about how he views unborn children were so comforting. The scriptures that talk about leaning on God for strength helped me to picture him standing right next to me--- no carrying me. But most of all, the scriptures that talk about how he has given Jesus the authority to raise the dead back to life just like he did his friend Lazarus and the widow of Nain's son assured me that one day, when he decides it is the right time to fulfill all his promises for our earth and for mankind, He will give me back my child. I look forward to holding him and loving him, and teaching him about what a gift he is and how long I waited for him.
Revelation 21:3,4 says that God will wipe out every tear from our eyes and death and mourning will be no more. This gives me strength.

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Thank you for sharing your story Rose. God bless you!

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I just pray that I get to see my baby in Heaven when the time comes

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Google the near death experiences and rest the stories about babies in heaven. It will melt your heart.

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I lost a twin at 18 1/2 weeks of pregnancy. I cried day and night for days.
The one thing that helped me was stopping by a church and meeting with a female reverend.
She explained to me that I needed to keep living for my other child who I was still carring inside.
She read a passage in the bible where it says: let the dead burry the dead. I knew at that moment
that I had to let her go and we said a prayer for her.
She will always live in my heart.

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I lost one at that age too. However I didn't know it was there until I gave birth to my son. It disolved inside my placenta. She would be nearly two now. :( RIP Sharni Patricia Sharna. :(

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I Miscarried my 2nd baby when I was 5 month pregnant, I just hold him in my hand, give him a Kiss and promess him that he wold be back in a better body... In meditation I give my baby to god, and hopefully will be back soon!

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I miscarried when I was 19 due to a car accident. My youngest son was also a twin and I miscarried early in the pregnancy and didn't get a chance to see either one of them. I have dreams of a boy and a girl playing in the yard and running around having fun and they are always smiling and laughing.

I think this is their way of telling me that they are OK and that I don't need to worry or grieve anymore. They are waiting for me on the other side and look forward to me holding them again.

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We lost our first baby at 3 months along 11 yrs ago now. i have three wonderful boys, the oldest will be ten yrs old next month. It does get easier as time goes by but i will never forget our lost baby. talking about it and thru it is what helped me. i was angry, sad, blamed myself but i got through it and believe it was Gods plan for us to have our boys when we did.

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I misscarried at 4 months with my daughters twin in 1999 now it seemms like she has two personalities. Has anyone experienced that.

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First, let me tell you how much sorrow I feel for your loss. I understand, at least some, because I had twelve miscarriages, at different stages of pregnancy due to undiagnosed PCOS. Some were only about 5-6 weeks, some as long at 14-16 weeks. I count them as twelve because these are the "times" I was sure about. I have dealt with these over the years as I could. Sometimes, I still tear up thinking about the babies the way they were in my heart. The most helpful thing was understanding what happened, physically. The other most helpful thing was realizing that it is perfectly okay to consider them real, to think about them sometimes, and to let go a tiny little bit at a time. They were all so real to me, from the moment I knew, or even suspected. Now, when they come to "visit" I allow myself to think/dream/imagine for a moment or two and say hello sweetheart, and then put those pieces of my heart back in their cocoon, take a breath, smile on purpose, and take one step (in any direction. 8-)). It works for me. A momma never forgets, and never completely lets go of her babies. But she does have to live her life, and be the best mom and woman she can be. I think I'm a better person for having learned to cope with something so elemental. I'll bet you will feel that, too, once you incorporate this life, and this experience, into who you are. God bless you and yours.

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The time spent was not long but precious. And most of all you grieve for the life you never got to watch grow up, the love you would have given. But most of all trust in god. He gave you that perfect little sole to carry and Love. Now we release balloons every year. And my son at sixteen still gets balloons from the restaurants and such to release to his little brother. He was six when I lost the baby. My daughter was born after. She also get balloons and releases them. I ask the lord daily to protect my 2 that are with him and my nephew also. I also planted three butterfly bushes for those three children. they grow taller and taller every year just as my 3 would have.

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I lost my first baby to miscarriage at 13 weeks on 10th November 1993 and try as I might, I have never got over it. Even though I went on to have two healthy lads who are now teenagers, I still mourn for my first. I wish someone could have given me some comfort instead of 'never mind, its probably for the best'.

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There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You can get a journal and write out what you are feeling. Just do not hold anything inside because it will build up and you will explode. Another thing I have learned is that as hard as it is to accept, many people have no idea how you feel or what you are going through unless they have dealt with this situation themselves. I know when a family member went through a miscarriage she was told to just get over it and was asked why she was dwelling on it. I felt so bad that I told her to ignore ignorant people because that is still your child and as the mother you will grieve. Talking about it helps with the grieving process so look for a support group or anyone that will sit down with you to just listen.

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About 3 year ago i had a still born baby girl that did not make it and i had no idea i was even preg till i went to the bathroom and she started to come out on me..boy was i scared to death too..

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i was 19 when i suffered a miscarriage i was only 6 weeks gone but even for that small lent of time i was proud i was carrying a human inside me!! i was heartbroken to learn i lost my baby esp at such a young age but it made me realise i wanted to be a mother so bad!!! 6 months later i got pregnant for the second time and not a day went by that i didnt worry but 2 and a half years on i have a healthy little girl who i love dearly!! but not a day goes by that i dont think of my little angel in the sky xx

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About 4 1/2 years ago I miscarried. It would have been my 4th child. I found out I was pregnant when my daughter was 4 months old. I had just gotten out of a really bad relationship with her father and didn't have her with me. At the time I thought it was a blessing and that pregnancy gave me something positive to focus on while I tried to get my daughter back. However, at my 10th week, I started getting horrible pains in my left side. I tried to sleep it off but it only got worse. I went to the hospital and told them I was pregnant and what was going on. Before I knew it I was taken back for an ultrasound and every time I asked about the baby, no one would answer me. Shortly some time later I blacked out. When I came to briefly, my mom was sitting next to me crying. I kept asking about the baby and wishing I could hold my 3 children. When I finally came to, the doctor came into my room and told me that the baby had started developing inside of my ovary. He had to remove the ovary because it had ruptured and I had hemorrhaged. The baby was no more. I was completely heart-broken. I had cried for weeks when I was alone and didn't want to discuss what happened to anyone. To this day I cry because I lost a child I never got to know or hold and that terrifying accident left me unable to have anymore children. I haven't gotten it yet, but I am getting a tattoo of a sleeping angel baby with the word Angel underneath and the date she went to heaven, because now she is my angel! In my heart of hearts, I know the baby was a girl. I dream about her at least twice a week. That she came into this world happy and healthy. I may not have gotten to hold her in reality, but at least in my dreams she is there in my arms smiling up at me!!

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I have personally lost 2 babies very early on in my pregnancies. But, the hardest one by far has been my grandson that we lost at 23 weeks. My husband and I were able to be there when Wyatt was delivered and were able to hold him and cry. We had a funeral for him and the first Christmas we spent without him we purchased an ornament for the tree. Every year we purchase an ornament with our children’s names on it and we have now added a “Grandchild” ornament. I am very pleased to say we have 3 names on our Grandchild ornament. I also purchased a very special votive candle holder and my husband knows I am thinking of Wyatt when I burn that candle. Our daughter loves stargazer lilies (they were a part of his funeral) and the first summer after she lost Wyatt we planted a garden in front of the house. In this garden “Wyatt’s Garden” we have planted many special flowers to remember him. I love watching the stargazers come up every year; it helps me to remember Wyatt. Wyatt’s dad is in the military and they get stationed in many places. One of the things we started doing was collecting sand/dirt from wherever they are and put it in a jar to place at his grave site. This way Wyatt will always have a piece of wherever Mommy & Daddy are. I know that Wyatt is in heaven and I look forward to the day when I can hold him again.

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So sad to read but yet sooo sweet what you have done for this wonderful baby and his parents! It brings tears to my eyes! Your a god send of grandparents! God Bless..

3,377 8

I miscarried at 11 weeks with my second baby. It was a horrible experience as you are all understanding of. 6 months later I was still hemorrhaging and ended with a D&C. It was a terrible year that year because to lose a baby, then to continue to go through it for 6 months longer was devastating. When we got pregnant with our 3rd baby, I was soooo stressed out and worried that he wouldn't make it either. I did everything by the book and even bought a heart monitor so I could listen to his heart inside my tummy all day long from 14 weeks. It helped me a lot to know he was still OK in there. I have decided that there is a reason for everything and God needed my 2nd baby for a reason, unknown to me of course. However, if there was something wrong with her/him, then I prefer God to take them with him before entering this scary world rather than live a life of heartache and despair.... God bless you all and stay strong! ;)

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I miscarried twins in September 2004. Then in April 2008 I gave birth to twin boys, sadly one of them died on the first set of twins due date, April 29 due to a blood clot. On the anniversary of my son's death and the twins due date, we usually go to my son's grave and release three balloons to remember each of them. Also we have 2 birthday cakes for my living son on his birthday in April to remember his twin brother. I keep a journal and have several butterfly knickknacks that help me out. For my children we got them a few books, "We were going to have a baby, but had an Angel instead" and "Always my twin". They both love to read both books and I think it helps them with their feelings about their older siblings and my son's twin.

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13 1

When I lost our first eleven years ago I was utterly devastated. We tried our first IUI, a success, only to have to say goodbye at thirteen weeks. Looking back I fell into a depression as I did not know how to deal with this loss.
Once my husband retuned home from the Persion Gulf, as he was deployed with the US Navy, we began healing albeit slow. To help, we held a ceremony for our little one then planted a tree to honor him/her. It was awesome to watch that tree grow knowing why it was planted.
Never does a day go by I don't think about him/her knowing how different my life is now as I chase around my fourteen month old little girl.

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i got to hold my grandson which gave me closure.i pick the brightest star in the sky and talk to him.

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I have had multiple miscarriages. I have a charm bracelet with a butterfly charm to represent each one.
If you have any leanings toward Buddhism : http://www.dharmacrafts.com/2ITM015/DharmaCrafts-Meditation-Supplies.html

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My first miscarriage was in July this year. I was just sixteen. Me and the father who is now my boyfriend, we had no clue how to handle it. I went into a deep depression, in fact to the point I began to cut, attempt suicide three times, and not acting myself. My baby girl(didn't know the sex, but we felt it was a girl) was lost due to the fact that I was taking birth control, and I have endometriosis. I can't tell you how many nights I would cry myself to sleep. Me and my boyfriend still mourn to this day. But one of the best pieces of advice I've been given is that it's okay to take my time to mourn over my baby. That I'm going to want to get pregnant again but it'll never fill that void. It'll never be okay for us. But that's okay. I know I'm only a child myself, but that doesn't make me any less deserving to mourn over the loss of my child. I may be 17 but I have become stronger over the past five months. I will never be the same but I am happy to be me. And I am happy to have the support I have now. Thank you, and I hope I helped some.

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I named a star for the lost baby, miscarried at 9 or 10 weeks. And lit a candle in Church. And I often think about him/her. It wasn't my baby, it would have been my first grandchild. It was a few years ago and I have other, born grandchildren now but I've never forgot that first one.

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Creating a vicinity whereby a poem or words dedicated to the child lost, are spoken aloud to the child.
Planting a tree or having a candlelight vigil.

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I lost 2 twin babies a little girl and a little boy @ 20 weeks.. I didn't know what to do I felt bad b/c I thought some how that it was my fault.. I wanted to have the cemetery so I tried my best and had my babys buried that same weekend, b/c i love them and I would've done anything to keep them, /:

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I have loss my daughter on 2/11/12 ... Name NUR ADELYN DANISHA she was born premature .. I have a urgent csection due to hearvy bleeding ... My uterus was removed to as i was lossing blood in the csection it was 4.5L ... Of it.. When the csection over my daughter have to go in a special care unit ...n i was in icu ... When i was in icu.. Her bp drop n was gone ... For an 1h30 min doct did their best .. Miricle happen shes back .... Days goes by .... I was dischange ... My baby still in incubeter as she was only 7 mthz old when was born days by days she was doing prefect ... She a stronge baby girl i have adorable n sweet ... When it was on the 18/11/12 ... She had a sudden sickness call NECk her tummy get bigger... Doct have to do a ops on her ...after ops doct told us her 90% if intentive was dead .. All was rotten ... N she cnt live long ... The next day herbp was low again she one for a while doct did cpr n all .. Shes back again thiz time doct told us if her bp drop again... Its upmto god hand ... She was suffering so badly .. My heart broken so much to c her tiz way it like a nightmare to me all happen so fast ... At 5.30 pm she gone ... N thiz time she gone forever ... I miss her cutie hand .. She gone after my 22 birthday ... 14/11/1990.. My first time carry her in my arms was eve of my birthday ..13/11/2012 .. When the nurse allow me ... To after a week plus she was born ... I nvr hold her in my arm ... N the last time holding her again was 19/11/12 when she was no more here wif us ... I miss her so much ... I dun mind lossing my uterus ... But i mind lossing my precious child ... She the last one n the very last child ... Love her deep in my heart i trying hard to keep myself bz everyday.

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I sympathise with all women who ave suffered a miscarriage i lost my son at 20 weeks still born I gave birth to him only I know how I managed to let go thank GOd I had my daughter and Son otherwise I would have completely lost it, my kids kept me sane my husband was also a great support...the staff and social workers at montefiore were excellent I thank them they were my ANgels the hospital gave me a blanket that was around my son the hat he had on and I took pictures with y baby ... God and time are true healers its been 2 yrs and I am now thinking of adding a new member to the family but I am scared what if it happens again ?

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at age 15 i had fallen pregnant to my ex of 3yrs it was my 1st pregnancy & 1st loss. i was 13 weeks when i found out my baby had passed at 9-10 weeks i spent 6 hours in the hospital getting blood tests & got told everything was ok & to go home. i had clotting the next day so i went to my closest doctors & got an ultra sound & there was no heart beat i fell to the ground in tears it was the worst feeling knowing i only got to hear my babys heart beat that once on y 6 week scan. i went back to the hospital & they told me that the scan backed up the blood test. i had never been so angry & upset in my life i felt so let down by doctors i didnt think i would eva trust them again. within this time my aunt had her 1st loss to but she was 17weeks & had to give birth & she never lets me forget it, we should have been there for each other but instead we dont talk at all because she only cares about what happened to her & tells me to get over it & move on & that i dodged a bullet & i should be happy like many others. i got a tattoo for my child & not many ppl are happy about it but i felt it was the only thing to do as i didnt get to find out the sex of my baby or anything. a lot of ppl around me dont understand the physical & emotional pain i went through i thought i was going to die from the amount of blood loss i was having. to this day i still have nightmares about those few days i went through & its been a year now i just dont know how to say goodbye. ppl dont realise the more they tell me to get over it and all that stuff i dont need or want to hear the harder they are making it for me . if ppl took my age out of the picture i would have so much more support & comfort but i dont & it hurts that ppl cant just look past my age & accept that i have been through it & just help me. i dont need everyone to remind me of my age my aunt is in her late 20s & gets all the love & support that i ask for & it hurts I don't want ppls sympathy i just want love & support

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Last October I miscarried at 11 weeks after taking Clomid to conceive our second child. We did not have to use fertility treatments with our daughter, who is now 3, but were painfully experiencing secondary infertility with our second. We believe that life starts at conception and cherished the time we thought we had a viable baby growing inside of me. When I was told my O.B. that the flicker of a heartbeat that we saw was no longer there, I wept and told my baby out loud how much he/she was loved, wanted, and missed. We have a marker with an angel on a stand in our home and a rosebush planted in our garden in remembrance. The wonderful news is that 6 weeks after my miscarriage, I conceived our second daughter, Paisley, who is 5 months next week and is the sweetest little baby girl!! The Bible verse that got me through was Jeremiah 29:11:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

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Thank you Jesus!

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