When should a single mom tell her child why their dad's not there?
98 Answers
Is it OK to strip a father of his rights if he is not in the picture?
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40 Answers
62 Votes
I don't think most women have a clue what you're dealing with, they're trying to imagine and making it up from there. I've been there, 'not in the picture' meant that he'd never come to the hospital, I'd stopped off at his work on the way home from the hospital to show him the baby. He came to visit once in the first month. He quit his job and went to work in day labour so he could be paid under the table. He never bought a single diaper. He never called. He never came by, never asked to come by and disappeared, leaving me no address or phone or idea where he was. 5 years later I had his parental rights legally terminated, leaving my husband, the only man who had ever lifted a finger to be a dad to my son, free to adopt him. It was the best thing I ever did for him. He did make an attempt to get in touch with his birth father at age 11. He told my son on the phone that he 'sounded like a girl' and then started telling him about all the women he'd slept with. I took the phone, that was it for us all. My son is 23 now and never thinks of his bio father, he's an irrelevence in our large, happy family where my son is simply the oldest son, not someone else's son. If a man doesn't want to be a dad, he doesn't deserve to be a father.
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Farron - commented on Nov 15, 2011
I so didn't mean to negative vote this! I hate this new cell phone! However I completely agree with this!! My son's "father" to put it nicely has never seen his son. He's been given many opportunities to have a relationship with him but he's never acted upon it. He's given me excuse after excuse as to why he's not involved. I have no problem going on with our lives without him or without mention of him. My son has plenty of people that love him and care about him.
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Nikki - commented on Nov 22, 2011
I was interested to know how you went about getting the rights legally terminated? I am in the process of wanting to do this and the court tells me as long as he is paying child support i cant do that. He hasnt seen my daughter in 3 years and has only spent probably a total of 10 hours with her since she was born. Myu fiance would like to adopt her when he gets the opportunity idk what to do. Nikki
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Devon - commented on Nov 22, 2011
Mine wasn't paying child support, nor visiting. I consulted with a lawyer, he would have put a legal notice in the newspaper of his last known address and it had to run for a set period of time, notifying him of the intent to terminate his rights. I found his mother to ask where he might be and why I was looking for him (my husband wanted to adopt as well, in our case, my ex was himself adopted so his mother was quite sympathetic and supportive) and she talked to him and had him call me back. We agreed it in principal there on the phone and the lawyer was able to proceed with the much simpler voluntary termination of rights. If your ex is still paying child support, that would stop when he was legally separated from the child so be sure that's what you want to do. I had nothing to lose so it was easy to forgive him his huge backlog of unpaid child support and well worth the freedom to make our son legally our son rather than attached to someone who had no interest in him. Your best bet is to find an attorney, through your denomination if you have one, who does adoption work pro bono, they'll have the advice and many won't charge you for a simple consult. Be warned though, him paying child support is 'taking an interest' in the eyes of the law so you'll have a more diffult path than I had.
50 Votes
My daughter's biological father walked away on her first birthday and never looked back. She will be 16 next birthday. He has NO rights
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Samantha - commented on Nov 23, 2011
If one day she decides to meet her dad...Will you stand in her way because you feel he has no rights?
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Megan - commented on Nov 23, 2011
There is a difference between having rights and meeting someone. Knowing someone doesn't give them the ability or right to tell you what to do or how to raise your child. As far as I believe, that would give him less clout than a grandparent who has been around the entire time--so like an estranged family member, where the only connection is the shared genetics. My biological father walked away before my first birthday, but I was free to meet him whenever I wanted. I waited until I was 20 because he was just a person. He went through rough times too, but it was his decision. He's not my dad in any meaning of the word other than the donor of sperm.
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Debra - commented on Nov 23, 2011
I agree with you 100% my grandson is almost 2 now and his father has never asked about him or called to see how hes doing. he told my daughter to send him papers so he can sign them to relinquish his parental rights. What kindof father can lay down and create a baby and than claim that hes not his. Hes a coward in my eyes. He has missed so much with his son hes a cutie and Im here for him anytime he needs me. I believe he hasnt been here up til now so he need not come back.
19 Votes
Yes - but he should still have to contribute to the upkeep of the child - the state shouldn't have to pay. Fathers (or mothers) who have children and abandon them shouldn't be let off the hook - they should be tracked down and made to pay like in America.
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Alinna - commented on Nov 23, 2011
PAY like in AMERICA? are you KIDDING ME? My husband's first wife ran away, when his daughter was 5. All those year she never paid ONE DIME of her child support as ordered, She moved to Washington State, where she slept with the judge that reviewed all out of state transitions of support cases. Despite outstanding arrest warrants AND payment orders in 37 states, this judge allowed her to pay only $1 a month.. Now if this had been THE MAN owing the woman, he'd have been in jail , they'd have take 90% of his total income, and He'd have never seen his kid again. But NO, this woman did the judge daily, and thus "earned her place" in the child's life, and my husband is STILL owed over $500,000 in back support, the child was GIVEN to the mother at age 16, when my husband moved out of the USA, WANTING to take his daughter along. SHE TRIED to file against my Disabled HUSBAND's Social Security, and she even tried to attach to the income left to his children with ME, a Russian national ! This is NOT her money, NOT my husbands, it is mine from the life insurance of the death of my mother. And it will be inherited ONLY by our children when i DIE. But no, the USA thinks they have a right to steal money from a RUSSIAN WOMAN, to pay a slut that sleeps with her JUDGE, in order to AVOID her legal debt to pay child support. I get sick of hearing how it is always the MAN at fault. You should understand MOST men love their children, and TRY to be a participating parent. YOU ONLY READ about the deadbeats DADS, never the equal number of deadbeat mothers..
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Kara - commented on Nov 24, 2011
Neither of my children's bio dads have ever contributed a dime of child support, nor have I depended on the state. I support my children, that's my job as a mother. I knew early on that trying to get child support would only result in anger and frustration that I would pass on to my children - and that's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. It's been hard sometimes, to say that money gets tight is perhaps, the understatement of the year. It's worth it though and it seems fair to me. I get all of the joy from being a parent, I should get all of the responsibility too.
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Kaci - commented on Apr 4, 2012
@ Alinna Savrinskaya I know exactly what you mean! My son's father is a deadbeat, but the mother of his daughter, his first wife, ran off with her crack dealer and slowly stopped all contact with her daughter, never paying child support. You think he would have wanted to be different from her! But I guess there's an honor among thieves and apparently deadbeats alike!
16 Votes
When you say not in the picture, yes, it's a done deal, take away his rights that he obviously shows no interest in. I just thought since no one else has, I would bring to light the flip side of the coin, for the moms out there that are depriving a child-support paying, interested and involved father of his rights. The father of my 3 year old child has a son from a previous marriage, who is 12. I met the boys' dad when we were both newly divorced and the first son was 7. From the time I met them both, I could see he was a very devoted and committed father (probably one of the main things that attracted me to him) and they were very close. Soon after, the boy's mother decided to move him 1,200 miles away and for the past 6 years she has made it nearly impossible for dad to speak to and see his son regularly, and get the supposed "50/50" joint custody that they agreed upon. Some of you might say "well he needs to tell the court," but put yourself in the absent parent's position. Really all he is trying to do is maintain balance, peace and harmony, but it's a very fine line as you can imagine. Only recently did the older son get a cel phone and now dad calls him every night or two. Before that, the mother would hardly ever answer or return da's attempted phone calls to his son. I, as a mother of a 3 year old boy, do not understand how a mom who truly has the best interest of her child in mind can dismiss the eager and willing good father from being involved. So, I say this to all the women out there who have a willing to be involved father of their child, wanting to be in the picture, who make it difficult and near impossible for the child to have a relationship with their father. I've been there, been separated from my son's dad, and did not an any point enjoy being a single mom, and always new that regardless of what happened with us, he was a good person and good dad. Do what's right. If the father is making an effort and paying support, don't put your own emotional baggage or debt in the way of a child's right to both parents (given it's healthy). Don't use a child to blackmail or punish someone who didn't "pan out" as a husband.
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Christina - commented on Nov 29, 2011
Unfortunately each state does what it feels is best and they paint all situations with black and white brushes. This needs to change and the parent's who intentionally try to ruin the contact or relationships with the other parents should be punished. The child should come first.
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Jordanne - commented on Mar 29, 2012
You are completely right Mychaela. I pushed harder than I had to, to let my ex see my son, and when he just didn't put the effort in, I said eff that, my son is going to these visitations for nothing, we sit in a boring room for a half an hour, then leave because my ex couldn't be bothered to show up. If you want the title of dad, you have to earn it, but if you are trying then in my eyes, that's more than enough. Tell him that he is a good man for working so hard, and for so long to keep a relationship with his son. I know you guys don't know me, but I am proud of him. My boyfriend is that kind of person, and if things don't work out between him and I, we have decided that not only will he have visitation rights to his children (when we're ready to have them) but to our son (who is technically his step son). He is another man willing to do more than he has to because he loves his child. :)
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Kristi - commented on Jun 2, 2012
Ok, first of all, how did she get away with moving out of the state with him if they had 50/50 custody? My ex-husband only wanted my daughter around when it would make him look good or when it would make me feel bad, I'm bipolar and have a panic disorder and he loved to use her to throw me out of whack. He has been married twice since we divorced and both times the new wife has sons around or older than my daughter's age at the times. The first time, her sons made my 8 year old daughter lay down on the ground & take her clothes off, to this day she won't tell me everything & I didn't find out about it until after he was married to the 2nd one. The cops said nothing they could do. I bought her a cell phone to take to her dad's so we could call each other, he took it away from her when she got there because something about God & the Bible. One day while patroling through my daughter internet activities I came across some extremely provacitive pictures of her with the fear of God in her eyes. Needless to say, I refused to let her go back there again. She was 10. Quite some time had passed and I was going to move out of state to be with my family. He was not paying one red cent, never had. He hadn't called, texted, sent a birthday card, nothing. I wasn't even asking for support. Well, he heard I wanted to move and out from under his rock he scrambled. So everybody lawyers up. I cut to the chase, you let us move, you don't have to pay child support ever. Nope, he's going to fight, not for visitation or joint, but for full custody because I'm bipolar. Long story short, I was awarded full legal & physical custody. But he was given liberal visitation even after my daughter testified against him & begged not to ever have to go there again, she was 11 1/2. But he was also ordered to pay $530/mo. in support w/ 1/2 of costs for extra ciricular activities, dental, medical, etc. and I was not allowed to leave the state. 2 DAYS later, I want to give up my rights, I don't want to pay support. I said great! The judge said too bad Charlie, you can't ditch your kid even though I said I would support her myself. So he quit his job and hasn't paid not even a nickel. But I left and overall, my daughter has never been happier, but she's not stupid and she knows why he's not around. I never said a word. Her counselor told me, Grace said her dad doesn't want to see her anymore because he doesn't want to pay child support. We were both just kind of speechless. So, the moral to that long story is do not have kids in Nebraska unless you're 2000% sure you have good parental material in your signaficant other. Because you can get rid of the roaches even with RAID. However, not all ex's are roaches, at least not to their kids and apparently, not all states are as lenient as NE.
13 Votes
i say no unless the father is a molester of some sorts. Some fathers aren't there because of the mothers
can't stand the father or they want to control the man through the child. Most will not agree but i see it everyday.
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Shari - commented on Nov 16, 2011
You are right. My husband has a daughter of whom he would love to have visitation to but because of his ex, he cant. she tries to blame it on him that it is this way but I knw for fact it isnt! I have tried everything to get her to let us see his daughter, on her terms even and she ALWAYS fond an excuse to get out of it! Not to mention he is military and deployments sometimes make it hard for them. so any time he did get he cherished with all his heart and he pays a fortune in child support! Its BS! Our system is so screwed up! Lets screw the good parents and let the bad ones have all the rights.
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TyWanda - commented on Nov 22, 2011
I definitely agree with you. I too, have a husband who has a child by a woman that has always tried to keep him away. She has done nothing but try to hurt my family, especially me. My husband and I have been together 14 years and married for almost 10. I treat his children as if they are my own because they are. Let's deal with the real issue "the women that can't get over the man". Maybe he wasn't the one you wanted him to be. However that doesn't exclude him from being a wonderful dad.. So, I say to all women move on... I can understand being a little hurt because the relationship did not work, however don't stay there you are only hurting yourself.
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Nikki - commented on Nov 22, 2011
I definitley agree here too, I was in a relationship for 7 years with a man that had two children, their mother made it so so hard for us to get visitation with his kids we had to take HER to court and we were given lots of time with them...if she showed up for us to get them, we even had to meet in a neutral location because she was violent I have never seen a grown man cry before this time, he missed his kids and couldn't do a thing about it, the kids just wanted to see their dad but she made it so hard, always remember there are dads out there that would LOVE to see their kids but sometimes the woman are just so mean and nasty it's basically impossible......
12 Votes
I am actually thinking of this right now too. My sons father hasn't been around since my son was born. Left me in the hospital alone..and we where married. He has other children that he does not take care of at all(I found that out after I left him). Quit his job so that he doesn't have to pay child support. He is now engaged to a new baby momma, living off of her and going down the same path. My son does not know who his father is, and doesn't care. I was doing the supervised visits, then as Donna said, he hung himself. Not showing up, if he did, he was drunk...ect,ect Bringing random girls around trying to take his son out after not showing up for 6 months. The one time I let him take him out, he lost him at the zoo. I found that out from one of the girls he was bragging to. I am so happy I stumbled apon this thread. Its has really helped me see what the next step should be :).
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Bernette - commented on Nov 22, 2011
Once he gets married his new wife will be responsible for his child support payments.
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Alicia - commented on Nov 23, 2011
Yup! I had to pay my husband's child support payments! Our daughter always lived with us until her junior year of high school. Her mother never once paid us a penny and was not involved in her life until her sophomore year. Luckily I only had to pay them for about 4 months and then she graduated high school! Good luck!
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Chantelle - commented on Nov 23, 2011
Thanks ladies :) I figured as much. She has other children as well from previous relationships. I'm surprised that she is going along with the marriage knowing that he doesn't pay, and the type of man that he is. He has a few other children that he doesn't pay for or take care of (that he had when he was married to me). I guess it will be a wake up call for her. I just hope that she doesn't start visitation drama. I currently have sole physical custody. Though, it will would be nice to get some money for once.
7 Votes
My daughters father threw us both out when she was just 9 weeks old that was after he had beat me up, verbally abused me and spat at me then threw a jug of boiling water at me all while I was holding my baby. I for some strange reason let him visit my mums to see our daughter which he did do a handful of times then that was it nothing. He put a present for her first birthday on my mums front door step then nothing more. I have since found out he is living with an ex and her 5 children and they are now having a baby. My daughterwas 2 last month and has still not seen him since she was 9 weeks old but because I let him have his name on her birth certificate he has the exact same legal rights as me. So if he decided next week next year or in 10 years he wanted to see her he could which I don't think is right at all. If a father doesn't want to b a father why should he have any rights?!
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Linda - commented on Feb 17, 2013
Because of the abuse, in this case i would say, terminate parental rights. You didn't mention whether he is paying for the daughter you share but my guess is no. He has a lot of children to support. Good luck
6 Votes
I just think it is so sad to read about these men who just don't give a damn about seeing their kids or paying in anyway. My brother is fighting to get to see his little girl and his ex is doing everything she can to stop him. In the past he has bought nappies for her and paid her petrol which I know to be true as I have been the inbetween person where she used to come for his visits. He has had his problems in the past but he is still her father. I mean even guys in jail have visitation rights so it is so unfair. She is trying so hard to have it all her way which makes me sick. I have a son from a previous relationship who saw his father very regularly and I know from experience how important it was to both my son and his father. Some men definitely don't deserve any rights but sometimes it is just as hard when it is the opposite and men have to fight to see there kids because of negative women you take it in the own hands to punish a man they hate but really they are truly hurting their kids more but just can't see it.
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Linda - commented on Feb 17, 2013
That's exactly right. It is important to put the kids first. Is it in their best interest to terminate an absent parent's right? In some cases, yes but, in others, especially if they are paying support, no. Father's are not mothers. For some father's payment is taking care of their children and the law will see it that way as well. Many men avoid seeing their child because of the mother. Both parties need to act as the adults and really work towards that goal because you have little ones that are looking up to you. My husband shared a son with his ex-wife but, I consider myself very lucky that they co-parent their son well. One of the things that drew me to him in the first place. Whenever visitation was interrupted temporarily because of a work schedule, for example, my husband would get very cranky missing his son. My husband's dad walked out on his family and threw them into poverty and he is such a good dad in comparison. My point in telling this story is that there are good dads out there too who don't get to see the kids they love because an ex-wife is keeping them from him. It is not good for the children. They need their parents and will always have questions and pain about a parent that was shut out. Please be the adults and do what is best for your children.
6 Votes
My son is going through this now. he has tried to see his daughter and had three visits the ex took that away lieing to the judge told every body he was never going to see his daughter has been mad at him since there divorce he pays child surpport . A man has no rights any more so yes its wrong and the poor child has to stand it the back ground and watch her rights taken away and can do nothing about it the ex needs to be the one punished but one day she will stand before her God and give acount for her wrongs.
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Shontel - commented on Nov 24, 2011
I so agree with you. That is exactly what is happening with my brother. His ex lies and is not thinking of their little girl. Court is taking such a long time and he hasn't seen her since July. I hope it will all be worth it in the end for him but in the mean time he is missing out on so much.
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Janet - commented on Nov 27, 2011
I am glad to know someone else is going through what my son has gone through. Rich girl has his baby, then says either marry me or you won't see her. They moved 7 hours away and now she will not meet in the specified location, so all he hears is, "well take her back to court". He can't afford to stay in court, she can so he is stuck. Pays child support, but cna't see his daughter, the system sucks.
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Christina - commented on Nov 29, 2011
I don't know what state you are in but I have to say in Wisconsin unless YOU prove the father is abusive or mentally unfit there is no way to get sole custody if the father shows up for court. The courts believe it is best for joint custody and it sucks because there are a lot of sperm donors who only show up when it means screwing the mom over again and then they disappear from the rest of the situation.
6 Votes
Children do grow up, and they have so much negative baggage they carry into their adlult life . To avoid that, don't you think it wise to make an effort to bring as much harmony into their lives as you possibly can ? If he isn't in the picture, than getting him into it may be more of a problem than keeping him out of it. Youngsters often suspect that there is something wrong with them when the parents don't take time to share their lives, and it takes years of therapy to undo the harm. We must show unconditional love , to our offspring, which does not mean we are their best friend. We teach them the meaning of the word NO . We give them guidance and encouragemnt, and keeping the father out of the picture , would I believe be a mistake, unless harm would come because it it .
5 Votes
I believe with all of my heart that it is ok to strip a father of his rights if he is not in the picture. When I was a little girl my father chose drugs over us kids. So my grandparents got tired of his crap and they decided that he should not have any rights at all. My grandfather pulled a shot gun and made hime sign his rights away. After everything my birth parents did to us it was the best thing. I am very greatful for them loving us and taking care of us, if they weren't around we would have been left with a child molester. I am now 35 and I think back of every bad thing that my father chose to do with his life was stupid and wrong. I believe he had demons that he fought and lost. I only got a few yrs with him and I regret every min. Even when he was in my life he was never there for me. He past away a few yrs ago of cancer never once did he ask for me or his son. He chose his other family. I want to say thank you to all of the mothers out there that choose to keep and love their children I even thank myself. We can't change the past but we can make a great future for our children.So for those dads or mothers that don't want their children your missing out on someone special. Because being a mother has tought me so much that I wouldn't trade them for anything.
4 Votes
im currently torn on this one. does he pay child support yes after 3 years chasing him but how do you put a price tag on the abandonment of 3 kids?? The games, graduations, plays and so on he never came to. To me he is just that a paycheck not a dad.
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Jennifer - commented on Nov 24, 2011
I can agree with you totally. My ex is nothing more than a source of income to keep my kids secure. I have gone through the same stuff.
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Kimberly - commented on Sep 11, 2012
Me too. His wages are garnished or he would think of a way not to pay. He doesn't have anything to do with our biological daughters, but he now has temporary (I agreed to this) of our adopted special needs (psychological) child. Why? Because he wants the check received for the special needs child. He is now taking me to court to have his child support reduced, which I fully agree with, but he says he can't provide his tax returns because he hasn't filed yet, but that I have to provide mine. Oh so strange. It's a very time consuming game and I am tired of playing. As it was said before, I am somewhat to blame, I picked this ridiculous man.
4 Votes
I have a child of whom has a father who has NEVER been in the picture. She is now 16 years of age and it has caused us all a lot of grief. She dont understand why he wouldnt want her and why he dont love her and so on. He does pay child support (if thats what you wanna call it!). However, because of the fact he is an alcoholic, and has never wanted her, I feel he should pay child support first of all, but it dont matter to us because he has never been there. In the case of if my husband wanted to adopt her, because of her bio dad's absence for so long, no, he has no right to deny her a man who wants to be her Dad. I dont think his thoughts or opinions should matter and even if my husband did adopt her, her bio dad should still be forced to pay child support!
In other instances, if the "absent parent" which is a more appropiate term for this article, is a drug addict who just refuses to clean up, an alcoholic, is proven abusive, or something of that nature, then yes. Besides, if that parent is NOT IN THE PICTURE, why should they care? The way the system is set up now, sripping their rights serves no purpose! They get off scott free of any responsibilty of not keeping their pants on! If they are going to strip their rights they should still be ordered to pay support! It IS their child and they should be forced to be responsible regardless! Thats like a 5 year old stabbing and infant and slapping their hand or putting them in the corner if they dont! So, you dont want to be a part of your childs life, fine, but you will still pay for the raising of that child! Thats what is MORALLY right.
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Shari - commented on Nov 16, 2011
I am also married to man who would LOVE to see his child, but his ex wont let him! So then what? He has no faith in the system as they are raping him in child support and no one seems to give a crap that she has LIED to the system to get that money! So where are his rights? He is an absent parent, but not by his choice!
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Mychaela - commented on Nov 22, 2011
Yes - Agreed!
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Tonjula - commented on Nov 22, 2011
Shari, if the custodial parent isn't allowing the non-custodial parent to see the child, the non-custodial parent can file an emergency hearing and get the problem solved. It seems like the man you are married to isn't willing to do his part, please don't make excuses for him. I've been there and done that with egg on my face.
3 Votes
I agree that there are lots of deadbeat moms out there who mess with the father of their children. I think the one thing everyone is forgetting here is that it hurts the children when the other parent is absent. My daughter goes to therapy because she doesn't understand why her "daddy" doesn't want her. I would rather strip him of his rights and deal with him being absent all the time than to have him pop back in occasionally once a year here or there and mess with her head again. I'm sorry if you feel that makes me cold and heartless. I could care less about him one way or the other. He doesn't pay child support so I am doing it all on my own anyway. He has never been part of the decision making process. He does nothing. At least if he was out of the picture completely I could deal with that in therapy instead of the off and on rejection from him.
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Lyssa - commented on Dec 21, 2011
i agree with your opinion 100%!
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Kristi - commented on Jun 2, 2012
Very well said! There are deadbeat haters on both sides of water. Neither side is worthy of the title mom or dad. Egg or Sperm is how they should be classified. No matter how you slice it, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months and/or 5 years from now a child is still going to be without their mom or dad because one of the two of them were selfish and ungrateful and they robbed their own child of the right to grow up knowing that both of their parents loved and wanted them.
3 Votes
Nobody is to blame, it is the choice we women make in men. We think too much with our hearts and not heads. When making a choice, our heads and our hearts should play a 50/50 part in decision making. If you're dating someone and have to wonder if he'll leave you if you get pregnant, then more than likely you're making a wrong decision. With a good guy, you don't need to think as much you know. Sometimes we completely ignore warning signs, so basically we have ourselves to blame.
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Deborah - commented on Apr 23, 2012
another girl with a brain....
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Kristi - commented on Jun 2, 2012
I agree with "We think too much with our hearts and not heads." But my "good guy," who everybody in family loved and adored and whispered too one another "it's about time she thought about more than just good looks," cheated on me and broke up our family, because he never really got to have fun. He's been working since he was in 2nd grade (from El Salvador) and raising a family his whole life, I was his 2nd wife and raising his infant son as my own, along with my 2 year old daughter. It has yet to be determined when exactly he started cheating on me, some say he was never faithful to begin with. It's moot now. There were no early warning signs. He was with us all the time, we even worked together for awhile. He treated me with more respect and kindness than I'd ever known. He was a gentleman. We had many talks about blending our families. If one or the other wanted the responsibility of another child. We also talked about trying to get my tubal reversed. So there was no doubt in my mind I had a "good guy." I am not to blame for the break up of my family. He still does his best being a single father with no help financially or otherwise from biomom. Our son has had a hard time with this but he is doing better now. I call him, FB with him, help him with homework over the phone and hopefully I can save enough money to fly him out here for Thanksgiving. My daughter went through enough hell because of her biodad that she never bonded with my husband on the father-daughter level, like I did with "our" son so she is doing ok despite the break-up. In any event, sorry for going on, but your comment kind of pissed me off so I felt the need to spout off my comment too.
3 Votes
OMG - its amazing reading all your comments!! I am a Mum in the position most men find themselves in when they are prevented from seeing their children. I looked after my children totally and completely, the only one to be involved with EVERY area of their life's. My husband was very controlling and over a period of 20 years ran me down, called me names, humiliated me in front of friends and as a result, I ended up with no confidence, suffering daily anxiety attacks and a shadow of my former self. I couldnt even go on a shopping trip with a friend unless he approved of them and me going - and even then he would phone every half an hour to check on me. I have never given him reason to worry, never been with other men or flirted (always to insecure and lacking in confidence!).
Finally something snapped and after him telling me to move on and find someone else - I had to leave - couldnt cope with him anymore. We agreed that while we sorted things out my boys would stay in there home while I went and stayed with my poorly Dad. Next day he changed the locks on my house and moved out all my stuff. He quickly set about turning the boys against me, filling their heads with lies!!
This happened 2 years ago. I have done everything possible to see my boys. But the closer I get to him the more pressure he puts on my lads to tell me they dont want me in their lives. They are 14 and 12 now. My youngest does everything he can to please his Dad. My eldest keeps getting in touch every few months and then his dad does something to stop him. My ex has firearms galore and reloads his own ammo. He has told me in no uncertain terms he will come out fighting if backed into a corner. I fear for my boys if he is pushed. I have not dragged my boys through court because of the horrible toll it takes on youngsters and how instrusive the system is and the likelyhood that if the boys say they dont want me - to keep him happy - I will have no rights at all. The schools do not contact me with information. I am not allowed to be on the contact list (except for being about 4th on the list). I face a solitary Xmas without them.
It is fine for people to judge and jump to conclusions (my ex chats up females who he thinks are a soft touch and they fall for it and his lies about me_ - they then treat me like dirt or trash!! I cant go shopping for fear of bumping into people and being judged.
Tell me how is this different to the way some Dads are treated and how is it fair!! There is no support for anyone in my situation. My boys have no contact with their Mum and are missing that vital support that only a MUM can give!!
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Diane - commented on Nov 26, 2011
Trudy stay strong and your boys will eventually come round.... my brother is in exactly the same position as you except my nephew is only 3. Already my ex sister in law is doing her upmost to stop my Brother from seeing him. This is costing him the earth with a 10 hr + round trip to see my nephew for a few hours. The cost of travelling such a distance to a high cost area where hotel and B&B''s are so expensive means he has no money left after this travelling and paying towards his son. She has made up so many lies but left withno warning and didn't even give hime the chance to say goodbye. Not all absent parents have a choice and people shouldn't judge about situations they know nothing about. Again as a mother I can't imagaine being in your position Trudy but stay strong commen sense has to prevail eventually xxx
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Laurie - commented on Feb 8, 2012
Your boys know you love them every day. They are living with a mean-spirited tyrant, who will eventually drive them away. I don't know about laws where you live, but around here once you are 16, you can live anywhere you wish. Your boys may need the brutish dad for now to graduate with their friends? I don't know. If I were you, I would get a consultation with a lawyer as soon as possible. If he thinks your case has merit, perhaps you could put it in any court decision that the dad will pay all legal fees. Don't worry, Trudy. This hellish part of life won't last forever. When these boys grow up, they won't want your ex dictating everything they do. They will want their Mum. When they have children, they will want to bring them home to Mum- not to the dad who tried to destroy their relationships with their own Mum. I believe that, when people are as mean as this dad is, karma will eventually bring them down and also will bring kind people up.
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Kristi - commented on Jun 2, 2012
Oh Trudy, when I started reading this I got a lump in my throat, then tears in my eyes until I finally started to cry. My son will be 18 this October. I haven't seen him since he was 10. His father was very abusive to me also. We split up when my son was about 3 or 4. I was in my early 20's then and was suffering from 2 undiagnosed pyschological disorders. So as much as I'd love to, I can't lay all of the blame on his dad. One night, I was alone and very distraught so I climbed to the top of a bridge to jump. Well, it's fairly obvious that I didn't but at that point I did sign over full custody to my ex. Even though he knew I was never, ever a threat to my son he forced me to have supervised visits with him at a social services place. I only got to see him 2 hours a week. The supervisor didn't understand why I had supv visits, because there was nothing in my file about abuse of any kind. This was not court ordered, this was "I'm a powerful police officer and so is my dad & if you don't do I say, you'll never see your son or the light of day again" ordered. I explained it all to her and she said she was sorry. She joked that now she had an extra hour to catch up on her new book because she didn't have to worry about my son & me. Anyways, I jumped through hopes for a couple more years and I finally got up the courage to ask for regular visitation. I was working and I seemed to be pretty stable, thought I had a good thing going with my first husband, we had just had a baby. (that is another nightmare from hell) Anyways, his answer was if I wanted to play I had to pay. At that time my now ex was self employed, just starting his own home improvement business and I had an office job, making a little above minimum wage. I had to give him almost half of my pay check every 2 weeks. Now, I'm not trying to shirk my responsibility by any means but he is a 15 year veteran police officer and is a leuitenant...needless to making more in a month than I'll make in 6 months. But I was desperate for my son, so I got one weekend a month. All the while his father and family have been bad mouthing me, calling me names, etc in front of my son. He doesn't really know me so what should he think. Well, I'll try to speed things up. We hit a couple of speed bumps thanks to my now ex-husband so my son & I took a couple of steps back. But soon after, I left the bum, my daughter and I got our own little apartment and although very broke, things were looking up. I was working 1 FT & 2 PT jobs to keep up with things. So I was tired all the time. My son was coming over on every other weekend now but it wasn't much fun for him. For starters, I had a hard time staying awake because I worked overnight and then I didn't have all video game consoles & big screen tv's etc. like his dad, no yard or bikes. So he was stuck playing with his little sister. He's about 8 1/2 or so. We muddle through and he didn't come all the time he was supposed to, I didn't force him. I finally found a job that I would be off every other weekend and I would be able to leave early so I could have my Wed visits now too. I couldn't believe it! I knew everything was going to be ok now. I just had to ask his dad if we could switch weekends. So he said no problem. I went to pick my son up (mind you, I have to drive both ways each visit and it is 45 miles) for our first free weekend. He is kind of standing around in his driving like something was bothering him. So I asked him what was going on. He mumbled something about not wanting to come with me. I was like yes! c'mon, ya know, we can go to the zoo, out for pizza....he said nah, no I don't want to go. I said I had to work the next weekend and didn't want to miss out for 3 weeks. That's when he said I meant I don't want to go anymore. His father was off to the side, in ear shot but not in our faces. Of course I tried and failed to encourage him to come, even just for the night and if still wasn't having a good time I'd bring him back. I was at a loss. I was just kind of standing there with, what must have been this goofy, dumbass look on my face, judging from the way I was now being stared at by my son, his father & his wife. The last thing I remember is his dad telling me was, remember who runs this town, if I see you anywhere near here I'll put you where nobody will ever find you. So I got back in my car and left. My daughter was crying because she didn't understand why her big brother wasn't coming. I was trying not puke or breakdown completely and to get us safely home. I called countless times. Once his father actually told me that the reason my son doesn't want to see me anymore was because he had told my son what kind of a lunatic, psycho b**** I really was and that he didn't want to be embarrassed by me anymore. My son told me once that I should never go to his Papa Fred's house. When I asked why he said because he hates you and said he would rather shoot you than look at you, he was like 6. Another day we were all in the car, my son and my now ex-husbands 3 daughters and we drove by the bridge I went up, all of a sudden I hear, Hey! did you guys know that is where my mom tried to kill herself? I think he was 5 then. I've sent cards, letters, emails and FB requests all unanswered, which in a way is an answer itself. So, although our circumstances our different, I'm an absent parent too. Not by law, not by my choice and not out of malice. I pay my child support. But really, I'm just a donor. So I totally feel your pain. I am hopeful for your situation though, it sounds like your oldest will be with you soon. Good luck and God bless!
3 Votes
I don't believe thats fair, especially if the child has or had a relationship with it's father. Fathers have a role to play whether they or we like it or not!
If the father is inactive he should be encouraged to take a more active role even if its small. If he is a willing father who wants to be involved with his child/ren, then be happy for both of them. Happy parents have happy children and the happier the children the happier te parents...
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Kristi - commented on Jun 2, 2012
Samatha, A couple of key things to point out here, if they don't like the role they have to play, chances are the beginning wasn't too bright and the middle is pretty unstable so before things get worse we'll just get rid of the cast member who doesn't want to be there anyways that way there is a chance the play will have a happy ending. And 2nd key, if he is willing, (and not a detriment) that is the big question, then by all means make way and cooperate. Every child deserves a happy, healthy relationship with each parent.
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Samantha - commented on Jun 3, 2012
My daughter is now 14 years old...When she told me feltlike she did not belong in her dad's home. I caled him up and told him that from now on if he wants to see her her does so on her turf...he stopped seeing her and she didn't mind. No pressure on either....but I had to try at first...
3 Votes
I am a SINGLE mother of a gorgeous boy that his (DONOR) left us when I was a month and a half preganant. DOES he he have rights? In my eyes HELL NO. He til this day hasnt made the effort to contact us. he made it clear that I could NOT raise a baby on my own ( I was 33 at the time) and that I should get an abortion. I dont believe in abortion. So he left and hasnt been heard of since. and 2 years later...til this day "MY" SON is the best thing that has EVER happen to me. Hes smart and witty, yes hes witty @ 22 months. he laughs and plays and explores and I honestly did NOT know or understand what the term "true love" was or what it meant until the second I laid eyes on a 7lb 15oz 20.5in baby boy named Kristofer Michael, from then on, that was it I was in LOVE. and he ALWAYS can my sad eyes happy and turn my frown around because No one but God graced me with this little Boy and Im proud to call him 'MY' son. The DONOR is NOT even on the birth certificate, he has NO Rights...however im open to hear other opinions and questions...
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Carien - commented on Nov 23, 2011
that is sad to hear that the father just walked away, im also a single mom with a 4 year old daughter that i love with everything in me, most people also thought i wont make it on my own and i showed them after 2 years and now seeing that im more than okay he regrets everything that happened but im not ready to share my child and im more than fine with just her and me living alone and raising her all by myself, ive tried a serious relationship with a real nice guy that has 3 children of his own and actually pays and sees his children but im just hurt by the one disappointment that im not ready to share my child.
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Christina - commented on Nov 29, 2011
You are lucky that he walked away before the child was born. I wish I would have left when she was a baby. I don't believe he would have played the head games with her that he has. I think he would have walked away and looked back. Instead he chose to use her to try to manipulate me. So I know you might not feel every day that you are in the best place, but in ways, I wish I would have had your circumstances. Those I could handle and be in control of. Good luck to you and God Bless you and your little boy!
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Sheri - commented on Feb 27, 2012
I believe there comes a time that severing rights is appropriate. I personally have not gone that route, my reason being, let sleeping dogs sleep. I went through enough abuse during the marriage and during the divorce. Several restraining orders, horrendous lies stated about me in court documents which were PROVEN to be lies. Yet somehow, HIS family blamed me. It seems to be a trend when a man runs out on his kid to blame the mother, "she must be difficult". When their are drug tests proving meth use, threats to hospitals, 911 calls telling them to buy a baby coffin, and then telling people that he was going to kill me, he still was given supervised visits twice a week. They were hit and miss for 2 years and then just completly stopped. And still, it was blamed on me by his entire family. The people who I continued to send pictures of my son to, who I continued to call and ask to come visit my son, and the people who also abanoned him. My ex lives miles away, never calls, never sends birthday cards, never emails, and never returns any calls when I have left messages informing him of yet another hospitalization for our son who has an incurable disease. So I have to say, for me, any man who truly wants to be in his childs life will move Heaven and Earth to be there. If he is in another state, he will move. He will prove to his child that they are the top priority. I wish I had my ex to be there for my son. My poor kid told me today, "Mom I love you more than anyone. I love you more than the Ninja Turtles and even more than my real dad." When I asked him why he replied, "cause you see me everyday and he just never comes". It broke my heart into a thousand pieces. The damage of an absent father is already starting to show in my 5yr old baby boy. That is the true injustice!
3 Votes
I'm a daughter of a 'absentee' father - last time he saw me i was 9 months old (I'm almost 20 now). I now have an 18 month old daughter who see's my stepfather as her Grumpy (to be honest we both do) ... He chose to leave us because i wasn't a boy so he lost his parental rights and I really don't care now.
3 Votes
I say YES. If they then want back in the child's life they have to earn those rights back. My son's father disowned both of us when I told him I was pregnant and has refused contact ever since. There is no way I would let him just waltz back in to my son's life. He will have to prove himself if he is serious about having a relationship with my son in the future.
3 Votes
First of all absentee fathers will hang themselves. first give him limited supervised visits with a counselor to evaluate his interaction with your child or children. Drug testing and alchol testing if apply. Set up strict visitation rules such as a time when to pick-up or lose his time. Home time or loss his next visit. Dates made must be kept and if not make arrangements for him not to be available when father visits. This sets the tone for them to either abide by the rules or he losses. Most dead beat fathers will either hang thenselves this way or they will be come parents and becomes more involved with your child or children. Now always send him a calender of all activities and document when it is sent, keep everything on tape or documented into a file. Phone calls, times and person you spoke with. Gudelines are set to make the parents better parents. Now as the other part of the parent sinario you mut not use him as a baby sitter or a drop off. Sometimes it gets to easy to call and have him babysit. That sets your child up to be disapointed as if a parent is not ready to keep a child they often take out there feeling on a child. Now if the Father changes and wants to be part of the family then he meets the guidelines and then he is allowed the privaledge of being a parent and a father. Now the Fathers whoa re good fathers will say this is one sided but I have used this system and it works. The Father didn't comply, nor ddid the mother. They both regret not being there for thier children. If they couldn't comply then they probally didn't need to be around the children anyway. Just a great grand parent who has raised 1 daughter, 2 step sons, 8 grandchildren and raised one grand son and his sister joint custody. Also help with 4 great grand children. Been there and done that.
2 Votes
I believe it takes two to tango and the parents should share the costs of the child half and half. I have always wondered why the courts just gave what they felt was good enough to the custodial parent. I was wondering what other parents' thoughts were on the subject but hear (or read in this case) me out. If a parent (be they dad or mom) wants or needs child support, they should be reimbursed for NECESSARY things the child needs. I know my hubby's ex uses her child support to go get her nails done. If the custodial parent saves reciepts for diapers, child care, or whatever the child needs, they should be reimbursed for half of it. If a parent needs the money in advance, they should merely show proof of the cost of the item or service, then after the purchase, show the proof of the purchase. I know it would be a bit complicated but it would be a more fair way to do child support. I am in the middle of a child support dispute as well. I actually don't want anything from him, except his promise to stay out of our lives. I have been forced into this crap by the state. My children have a wonderful dad. It takes only a sperm donor to be considered a father, but a real man to be a dad.
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Lyssa - commented on Dec 21, 2011
i too have recently been forced into the child support issue by the state. i've never done it before so he's going to owe 8 yrs of child support. i do agree everything should be fifty-fifty, but the courts don't see it that way and they never will. they will never check on what child support money is actually spent on (re:getting nails done, ridiculous!). unfortunately, that's just they way it is. i too only want to make sure he will stay out of my sons life, as he has a great daddy too, but i have to wait and see how this is all going to turn out. i will fight hard if he tries to get any kind of parental rights, i won't let my sons head be messed with because he may want to get back at me. which would be the only reason he would even try, he's a very vengful person. i hope your case goes the way it should, good luck! and see how the judge feels about your fifty-fifty theory, maybe he will actually agree with you! :)
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Tracie - commented on May 24, 2012
Wait one dang minute.......just stop and really think about this. Why should the parent receiving the support prove to the absent parent what they are spending the money on? Yes I admit some women misappropriate funds but most don't. My child support was never enough, it did not include the cost of summer camp, dance classes, hair appointments, doctor visits, time lost from work because of a sick child or anything like that. Child support did not cover HALF of my mortgage, light bill, phone or food (these things were used by/for the child also). So if i choose to get my nails done that doesnt mean the support is covering my personal expenses. The custodial parent is forever putting out money well in advance of any support payment. Think about it.
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Kristi - commented on Jun 2, 2012
I agree Tracie. Even though I am also wishing the state to accept our mutual request for termination, whereas I am not asking for a penny just that he stays out, for good and he is totally on board, the judge denied it. But I would say 9 times out 10, at least in my circle of friends and aquiantances (sp?), that the child support is never enough to cover half of the expenses. Aside from that, you can't put a fair price tag on everything the custodial parent does for a child that an absent parent doesn't even think about, let alone care or stress about. We have a huge emotional and time investment in our children. Absent parents don't and in these cases here that's for the best, but either way, generally the absent parent gets off pretty easy. When I say absent, I mean absent...I don't mean dads with visitation or 50/50 parents where the kids live with mom most of the time or dads that are getting screwed by their vindictive ex's. I'm talking the guys and gals that should be snipped and clipped just as a public service to future generations of children who want both of their parents present beyond conception. Was that too rude?
2 Votes
I really don't think it is a good to strip a father of his rights, even if he's not in the picture. Reason: Because sometimes it isn't the fathers fault, sometimes the Mothers have other ideas, and then hello, the father comes home from work, and suddenly there's no one home, all packed up and left.
Fathers don't have many choices about what happens to there Child/ Children, they just have to go with whatever is happening at that time. So yea, i think the Dads get the raw end of the Deal. Well that's my opinion anyway.
2 Votes
I asked my sons father to sign his rights over when he was very young because of the fact he wasn't there. I also let him know that i would never stop him or any of his family from being there for my son. I also stuck by my word to never put him down for not being there. It was a decision he made and i respected it. As much as i hated my son not having a dad, I would have rathered him have none than have a man who couldnt even take care of himself. My son is now 20 and has a 3 month old son and loves and cares for him more than his dad ever did. Just goes to show us mothers can handle anything that comes our way ..... without a man :)
2 Votes
NO. Its not right. Men are perfectly capable of being a good father but not a good mate. For the most part, you have to weigh your options. There are too many children that have fathers that DONT want to be a part of their lives, why contribute to that number? Let the men be fathers!! My two boys WISH they had their dad in their lives...unfortunately he didn't want to be.
2 Votes
What if the father wants to be in the picture but is not allowed to be by an ex-wife or ex-girlfriend? Should his rights be "stripped"? My husband's children are adults now but he fought for years to see and be part of his children's life. We could purchase two automobiles with the money we spent fighting for this right. When I read this, I could not help but wonder if there are vindictive women who would take away a father's rights out of spite. I realize many men do walk away but there are men in the population who desire to be fathers and their rights are taken away too. Shame on those moms.
2 Votes
My husband has a daughter prior to our son being born his daughters mom won't let us see her at all he pays child support and everthing his daughter is his world we haven't seen her in two yrs her mom calls an makes promises for us to see her but never follows through she calls his job to try and get him fired and everything we Just want to spend time with her.... We went to file visitation rights but nothing has came back yet and that was in June .... What should we do?
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Christine - commented on Nov 23, 2011
She made treats to strip him of his rights but y do that to someone who wants to be there? She even goes to court to upgrade his child support because he won't sign his right over
2 Votes
I am a mother of a 16.5 yr old daughter and 12 yr old son. Their father walked out of their lives a year ago. He pays child support only because he is in the military. He will not take their phone calls ....nothing.he actually screamed at my daughter a few months ago to quit calling if the only thing she and her brother wanted was to see him. He is in violation of a court order for this. I would love to take his rights away but I won't. Someday he will feel guilty and want a relationship with these children and then they can decide on their terms what kind of relationship they want with him. Do I think some of the people who have posted on here should heck yea..... my children are lucky enough to have plenty of male role models that treat them better than their bio.
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Marla - commented on Nov 23, 2011
You are an awesome mother!!!
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Jennifer - commented on Nov 24, 2011
Thank you! It has been rough he and I were married for almost 15 years when I filed for divorce. He has since remarried (past July) and his new wife wants him to cut all ties with his previous life. My children don't understand why their father doesn't want them. It has been a rough year for my children. I am there for them and always will be. Like I said some day he will regret this decision.
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Tracie - commented on May 24, 2012
I have always wondered what type of woman makes a man choose between them or his children. The thought is just sickening! Worse is how does the "MAN" go for this type of ultimatum? Kick the wench to the curb and keep it moving. I wish a man would say some dumb crap like that to me!!!
2 Votes
I definately think it is ok. If a man doesn't understand the joy of being a parent, to hell with him! No child should ever have to wait and see if their parent "remembers" to pick them up. If the man has no rights, there's no confusion of what's expected of him.
2 Votes
I have 2 boys by 2 different FATHERS...yes, I can only imagine what everyone is saying...but, you know what...don't judge!
My oldest is 14 1/2 years old & the last time his Father seen him was when he was 4 yrs. old....He is supposed to pay child support...DON'T. Has had PLENTY of chances to PROVE HIMSELF...FAILS & yet...Still FAILS!
My second son is 12 years old & his Father walked out of our lives & said to hell with the kid...I ran into him one time & the only thing he said was...."What's up? When we gonna hook up again? What did you do with that kid?"
You tell me...Should Fathers like that be stripped of their rights?! They are a disgrace to MEN/FATHERS! I have an AMAZING man in my life...has been there 10 years & would love to adopt my boys...he can my youngest cause that one vanished/more or less signed off...My oldest son...wants nothing to do with his & wishes he would sign off! But, he is being inconsiderate & will not.
So, help me out...How do I get him to sign off completely, seeings how he wants nothing to do with my son anyways...or rather pay his child support. I cannot afford a lawyer...it so sucks! : (
Thank you & Good Luck & God Bless all Single parents out there raising kids without the other, on your own or with someone that has STEPPED UP to be the REAL MAN/WOMAN in these kids lives!!
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Kristi - commented on Jun 2, 2012
Depending on how much it is worth to you and if what I'm understanding is correct, have you offered to write off his back due child support? That's what would have worked for mine but the judge said no, he wouldn't allow him to abandon his child because he doesn't want to support her, even though I said, I got this! However, my judge did say he would consider it, if there was someone willing to adopt her and accept full responsibility for her. I believe you said your current boyfriend wants to adopt him right. Although, I'm thinking unless you guys are married that won't work. There are a lot of attornies who don't charge for an initial consultation. I would look for one of them and set up an appointment. Explain your situation and ask them what steps you need to take to get bio terminated and/or have your current man adopt. Write everything down so you can do everything they said. Ask them if they know any places that help people who can't afford a lawyer or if they accept payments, anything that could help reduce the financial burden. Then start saving your money while you get your ducks in a row. Good luck!
2 Votes
I agree that it depends on the situation. In my case, I was pregnant at 16 and broke up with the bio father during my pregnancy. I was working fast food and going to school (and graduated with my class, thank you very much) and he did nothing but be a mooch. He came to the hospital when my daughter was one day old and that was it. He never saw her again, never bought one single thing for her, never gave any money or help. For a while, I tried to get help from him but then after a while, I quit trying.
I met my future husband when my daughter was only 5 months old and we got married 3 years later. He's been her daddy all along. We found out that you have to post it in the paper for a certain time frame and show that you tried to get in touch with the biological father. In our state, after 7 years the biological father is considered to not have rights if there's been no attempt on his part.
My husband did finally adopt her but it was only after the decision was made between the two of them. I didn't want to influence that because it was up to him to be her daddy and I wanted to know for sure that she wanted him to officially be her daddy. When she was 18, her bio father tried to contact her on myspace. Little did he realize but she wanted nothing to do with him and she told me right away. I told him that he couldn't just show up once she was an adult and that if he wanted to have anything to do with her, he'd have to come up with 18 years worth of back child support. Never heard from him again.
If a man truly wants to be a part of their child's life, they can make it happen. But if they're not, and it's not because of circumstances beyond their control, they don't have the right to call themselves a dad.
2 Votes
A father that has no desire to be part of his child/children's lives absolutely has no rights.
However, I feel as if too many children are already born into a mess. Is is right to walk away from your child and responsibilities as a parent, absolutely not. As women we have the ultimate power to recreate life, we must treat conceiving a child as a precious gift to be guarded with all our might. The person we decide to share this gift with should be sound, loving, caring and READY to take on the responsibilities. We control who we decide to have children with, not them.
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Deborah - commented on Apr 23, 2012
There you go!!! A girl with a brain!!!
2 Votes
Yes! My son hasnt seen his father since he was 3 months. I have him on child support and he hasnt done supervised visitation yet my son wasn't even a year when we went to court. He is 20 months now..he recently got engaged and moved out of state with her and her son! Took my son off his insurance and put his fiance and her son on it... Ive been dating a wonderful man that took my son in as his own since for the last year 1/2 and never looked back! His bio has brought up giving up rights everytime he can't get what he wants when he wants!..they try to be sneaky (him and his mother/family)...this momma ain't having it!! My son doesn't know him and don't take kindly to any strangersh!
1 Vote
my thoughts r that he don't exsist,to me or the boys ,fuckin dead beat piece of shit
1 Vote
i actually would love some advice for my situation.. Im about to be a young mom, my ex an i found out i was pregnant last may and he begged me to get an abortion up and down, never wanted our baby, i told him i was a package deal and if he wanted to leave i wouldnt hold him to anything. he then swore up and down he was going to be there for us because he wanted to be with me, not because of the baby... he then moved out west to work in the oil feilds to make money for "us" (havent seen a dime). a couple days later a woman text me off his phone and i found out he had bin cheating on me so i ended things with him. he then harassed me and would say anything to hurt me. ie. not his kid, im a sl*t.. u name it. it got to the point where i told him it was my baby not our baby. he started dating a new girl and hid the fact that he had got me pregnant etc. meanwhile he was living with MY DAD(who i no longer talk to btw). blocked me from being able to contact him on fb etc. therefore we hadnt talked in months so i have prepared myself to do this alone with support of my family. he then randomly messages me saying he has just as much right to custody as i do. im just not sure how to effectively handle this situation. im not willing to hand my baby over to somebody who manipulated me when we were together, was emotionally abusive to me(screamed at me F**k you over and over and when i went to leave he layed down behind my car so i couldnt). i did offer him at one point supervised visitation until he could prove himself to be responsible enough to care for a child and he couldnt care less about my offer at the time.
Im pretty sure he just randomly does this to me to upset me because then id ont hear from him for months after the fact. and i dont think he has as much right as i do to custody because really in my eyes he moved out west to run away, if he really moved there to support us i think he wouldve bin sending money instead of cheating on me while im here sick as a dog dealing with pregnancy. i had to move back home with my parents and quit one of my jobs to be able to support a baby. i have had to change every aspect of my life, which i dont mind doing, im extatic for my son to arrive! but i just dont think he has a right.
i know of someone putting "unknown" for the father in the birth certificate, and im not sure if thats the best route for me to go or what to do? HELP!
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Tori - commented on Nov 24, 2011
Since he has been doing this to you make sure that you have proof of everything just incase he decides he wants to do anything legal or illegal. Put your last name on the birth certifcate. Get ahold of a laywer find out everything you can do on your end to make sure he can't hurt you in any way.Also go to your Attorney General if you want child support. As for you dad I can't believe what he is doing to you he should be ashamed of himself for not supporting you.
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Dakota - commented on Nov 25, 2011
but if i get child support wont i have to give visitation being he isnt a felon or anything? my son is definutly getting my lastname. and i definutly dont speak to my dad anymore or anything. he has and always will be a dead beat father and i think thats why im also so protective my son doesnt have to go through the same experiences iv gone through!
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Jennifer - commented on Dec 12, 2011
Don't put his name on the birth certificate. THEN it is up to him to pay for a paternity test and take it to court to get rights. I wouldn't, however, deny him seeing the child and proving himself with supervised visits. Without him being on the birth certificate, he'll have to comply and it is considered kidnapping if he takes your child. I do believe if he is willing to be a good father, he should be transitioned in but he sounds very destructive and dangerous. Getting child support requires you and him admitting he's the father and would actually leave the same scenario open as putting his name on the birth certificate. Child support is a legal order decided in court and enough proof for many places for him to get away with taking the child. Visitation is a sep. court hearing and considered sep. from child support (in other words, if he doesn't pay and he's ordered visitation, his visits aren't decided by how well he complies with child support). Honestly I believe MOST men and women should have joint custody but there are some cases, such as yours, where the fear factor is too high when it comes to the child's safety. If he loves the child and isn't just trying to hurt you, he'll comply and do what it takes to be there for the first year before pressing his rights to be on equal footing. Stability is what a court will see as well.
1 Vote
I LIKE TO THINK OF THIS QUESTION BACKWARDS, BECAUSE MEN ALWAYS GET THE BAD RAP. MY EX DAUGHTER IN LAW IS NOT REALLY IN THE PICTURE AND IS ABUSIVE TO MY GRANDDAUGHTER. SHE SHOULD HAVE HER RIGHTS TERMINATED BUT THE LAWS ALWAYS WANT TO REUNITE THE CHILD WITH THE MOTHER...WHEN SHE GETS OLDER AND UNDERSTANDS THIS WHOLE MESS AND WANTS TO RE MEET HER MOTHER ( IF WE FINALLY WIN CUSTODY )ITS NO PROBLEM FOR US. I FEEL THAT PEOPLE MAKE HORRENDOUS MISTAKES BUT ULTIMATELY IT SHOULD BE UP TO THE CHILD IF THEY FEEL THEY WANT TO BE IN THAT PARENTS LIFE LATER IN LIFE. RIGHT SHOULD BE STRIPPED IF ABUSE, AND NEGLECT ARE PRESENT..NOT JUST FOR BEING ABSENT.
1 Vote
That's a real hard one. It would depend on each circumstance. Just because an ex-wife doesn't want him in their lives, then NO ! If the father just doesn't pay any attention, I think yes!
1 Vote
I think it's all circumstantial!! I have a son who is almost 11 who has not seen his dad since he was almost 2. He walked out of our lives and didn't give his son a second thought until he decided he missed him about 6 months later...for a 2 yr old .. .six months is a long time..when my son came back from his visit it took several days for him to settle down...It was difficult on him... so when my sons father showed no interest in having a scheduled set visitation with him.. and just wanted to come in and out of my sons life whenever it was convenient for him.. I told him to take me to court and get scheduled visitation rights..He never did.. never called .. never came by. I think that was the best decision I made for my son!! It is NOT about the rights of his father..It's about what's BEST for the child!! I refuse to have my son be screwed up for a lifetime because his father is running in and out of his life leaving him with emotional damage.. He is much better off without knowing who his donor is!! My son asks me about his dad every once in a while now.. I never deprive him of information, I don't talk freely of his father but I always answer his questions, only matter of factly, I never speak negatively about his father to him, although he is the one person on this earth I loathe the most.. But I am doing what is best for my son.. and when he is 18 yrs old and wants to seek out his father.. that's his right to and he will be old enough to understand what type of man his father is and make his own judgements. IT IS NOT ABOUT THE FATHER'S RIGHTS..IT'S ABOUT WHAT IS BEST FOR THE CHILD!!
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Teri - commented on Nov 26, 2011
You are absolutely correct in that it is what is best for the child....NOT about a sperm donor's rights-they have none! Men who do not take responsibility for their child by paying child support and showing an interest in them by spending quality time with them and ACTING like a parent-not just a sperm donor who only wants to show up at their convenience-usually just to try to INCONVENIENCE the child's mother just for spite-only damage the CHILD! The child's rights to a decent parent who will love and care for them should be the focus-not the absent parent's right to be in the picture when they are too immature and irresponsible to provide for a child that they brought into the world. Too bad there isn't a stringent test required to get a liscense to be a parent. It might be a better world out there if there were.
1 Vote
my daughter was born and her biological fathe rhas not been there sincei told him iw as pregnant hes not even on the birth certificate . he knows he has a child doesnt even knnow if its a boy or girl. i know where he is i just refuse to chase him cause thats what he wantas me to do and im not.
1 Vote
If the fathe is not in the picture at all, yes, he should lose his rights. But if the father is there and the mother is keeping the child from the father only because he is not with her anymore, no, the father should not lose his rights, if anything, the mother should give the child to the father since she is keeping them apart. If the father wants to be a part of his child's life but the mother or her new boyfriend is trying to keep them apart, there should be a way for him to stay in his child's like regardless of what they say.
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Mogire - commented on May 11, 2012
If he is not in the picture get rid of him coz he doesnt deserve it, a father cares, provides and is there for the family doesnt matter if he is a biological or adopted father..
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Naomi - commented on May 29, 2012
How do you strip a bio father of his rights because he has never been there? I need lawyer advice? Steps to take? I am in GA. Thanks
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Leigh - commented on Nov 7, 2012
I seem to think that men expect to be at the head of the family home, dominating us, and let rip roar, if it wasn't their decision. Just like the system, man, women dog. That a man will run or attack. And then there are good people and bad people, ie mental issues, stemming from how they are raised, and what the times were like in the past. I believe a bad person is bad for us all and should be avoided. By bad, I mean injurously harmful (dangerous). Most people are good and bad. I don't really know about sheltering and protecting children when young. I know I dont like lies to say it didnt happen when it did. I really think something should come before the police and convictions in a dispute or upset, and also, maybe we should have a whole family with a psychiatrist and therapists to explain each other to each other, because we are all so different. Perhaps more time should be invested in people and our families.
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