Should I still take away privileges at home when my daughter received time out at school?

When your child acts up at school, they are usually disciplined at school in the form of time out, detention, etc. Should you also discipline them at home, or is it enough and only fair that they receive punishment only once?

40  Answers

4 13

YOU are the parent. It is not the schools responsibility to parent your child. If your child talks back to the teacher--it is your job to teach them respect. If they fight--it is your job to teach them that is wrong. Detention is not going to teach them--YOU are supposed to. This is a major reason why there is so much violence and problems in schools. And don't say they're only in elementary...There have been shootings at elementary schools too. Discipline is learned at home and no where else. (FOR THE MOST PART-there is always exceptions--but it SHOULD be learned at home) You can not expect the school to teach them their ABC's, 123's and their P's & Q's. They don't have enough time, teachers, or patience for 30 kids per classroom.

If they act up at school, they should learn that it doesn't get them anything at home either.

47
14 26

great response!

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3 7

Yes. The consequence of getting in trouble at school is you are punished at home.

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99 48

Ms. Jackson.....I agree! :)

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5 11

YES!!!! You must follow up at home so that the child gets a consistent message that their behavior was not appropriate. I am a teacher and children who have parents that talk to them and give them consequences at home are generally better behaved in the future!

18
99 48

Indeed! I teach Pre-K and Kindergarten as well.

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39 6

I just read all the comments and I saw only a few that talked about communication between school and parents. It is parents and teachers working together that stops a child's unwanted behavior. If children know that their parents will find out about what they did in school and there will be a consquesence if needed, then they will be less likely to act up. If the kids know there will be no consquesence at home for behavior at school, then they usually don't care and will keep repeating it.
It is the home to school connection that makes a difference. I work in a school and this is the most common problem that we see. So many teachers have stopped calling parents about a child's behavior because the parents do nothing to re-enforce the negative behavior that occured during the school day. The kids learn fast that it doesn't matter what happens in school cause mom and dad won't do anything about it at home.
Teachers need to communicate with parents on any issues they want help with in the classroom with a child. Without that communication, and follow through at home, things will not improve.
I am a huge advocate of no suspensions or being removed from a classroom for behavior. Send a kid home, you have just given them what they probaly wanted in the first place and if the parents at home aren't going to give consquences at home, then it becomes a fun day aways from school. What has the child learned: do something horrible enough to be made to stay home and get a day off to do what you want at home.
It really does take a village to raise our children. Working together (parents, teachers, school staff) will make a huge difference in children's lives. I just wish it was a more common practice.

15
210 39

I have seen this myself when working in schools - if parents don't give a toss how the child behaves in schools then the staff are fighting a losing battle. I'm starting to look at schools for DS1 (he'll be 3 in Feb, so possibly starting school nursery after Easter next year) and I know that if he, or his younger brother, EVER get sent home for bad behaviour they will never do it again, because boy they will have to work while at home! There will be no TV/computers etc, no friends and no treats. I will be asking the school for all the work they are missing, and will be making sure they do it so they don't fall behind, they will be doing house work, and I will be finding extra chores for them as well! Even detention will have consequences at home, although what they are will depend on the 'crime'. So often these days we hear about youngsters being out of control, and parents with children they can't control - but it is parents who instil discipline into children, so we have to look at ourselves before blaming the schools for the lack of discipline in todays world

56 0

yes, it may seem over strict. but you won't have to do it more than a couple of times and it will teach the child to respect their teacher. teachers can't teach when they have so many behavioral problems. at least you can be in the solution. :-)

9
30 19

So true! And another thing I expect my daughter to adjust her behavior to fit her classroom. I am NOT the mom who is ready to jump anyone who so much as dares to discipline my child & I would never request my child be put in another classroom just because my child "didn't like" her teacher. Part of life is learning to deal with personalities that are different from your own or what you are used to... if the teacher is capable and fair, then I expect my child to rise to the occasion and learn to work with the teacher.

12 0

If your child comes home and says I had to sit in timeout today...probably not a big deal other than asking them why and discussing it. If the teacher writes you a note or calls home telling you your child had a problem, then it definately should be dealt with at home. Your child needs to know that you support the teacher, otherwise the consequences at school mean very little. If they can misbehave, take a 10 minute time out then "get away with it" because the parents don't react...they will. That's just my opinion as a primary grade teacher and a mother of a son who has some behavior issues at school. When we started to be more consistant with consequences at home, the school behavior improved.

8
2 0

Depending on the offense, we will usually deny some type of privilege at home after our 7 year old daughter is corrected at school. Her first grade teacher told us that it was like double jeopardy, being punished for an offense that she had already been punished for. It's probably best to discuss what happened and why it was wrong and what to do next time. Always, let your child know that you and her teacher have the same goal and will always been in communication concerning her behavior. Even though teachers do make mistakes sometimes or maybe you might feel the punishment was too severe or not severe enough, that's when you can handle the situation at home. Some teachers will accept a behavior that is unacceptable in our home and visa versa. You just have to come to terms with that. But, whether or not you punish again, it should always be addressed and discussed. Blessings.

7
13 9

That maybe all be well and good......BUT it doesn't work if the Teacher is not communicating with the Parents! Which has happened to us with our Daughter's Teacher this year.

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2 18

The punishment was already served & done - it's not necessary to punish her some more - it's not a bad idea to talk to her about it to see if she understands why, so she doesn't do it again, but I wouldn't punish her any further by taking anything away.

6
13 0

I SO disagree with this advice! Schools and teachers are very limited on what and how they can discipline, or even what they can discipline over. If the 'offense' was very minor then a firm talking-to should be followed up by the parent, so the child knows that the behavior is unacceptable to the parent as well as the teacher. If the 'offense' was more serious, then the child should be disciplined strictly, using whatever method is acceptable to the parents. Reinforcement is key here, and essential to long term behavior adjustment.

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6 9

We always knew if we got in trouble at school our punishment there would be NOTHING compared to the punishment we would get when our parents found out about it. That was much more of a deterrent to us since this consisted of losing friend visits or being grounded, etc. Physical punishment wasn't even necessary for this, the looks of disappointment and anger (depending on the infraction) were enough!

4
0 5

I knew that I would be scared to tell my parents that I got in trouble at school, that I did my best to be a good student for my teachers! I did not want to disappoint my parents, ever! My parents were and still are the BEST! I remember just getting a look from my mom or dad and I set down and shut it ASAP and O-man do I wish I had that handbook so I can get that look down now! I just don’t know what happened between then and now! My parents, like I said, were great and I turned out ok, lol. So why is it that we have to be this way or act that way now bc 'they/them' think it will scar the kids if not? I feared my parents out of respect, and now looking back at it (as an adult) they never really had to punish us; just the fear of being punished was enough!

11 1

Ask the teacher/principal if they feel further attention is needed in this area. Small potatoes don't, big ones do. If the teacher felt it was enough - leave it at that. I'm a teacher. Save the extra punsihments when the crimes are BIG! Glad to hear you're one of the involved parents! THANK YOU, it makes classroom life easier!

4
2 20

No. There are things the school does to help teach your child the correct way to behave in school. If your child is young (pre school-first grade) then for the most part you should leave what happens at school, at school. The exception to this would be if your child has an on going behavior problem which the teacher has expressed concerns about, is disruptive to the class, and /or carries over to home. If it was a one time offense and your child is usually well behaved you may want to talk to them but then let it go. However, if your child is older 2nd grade and up then depending on the offense discipline at home may be called for. Taking away privledges like a favorite tv show for young ones and restricting friends, computers and phones for teens. If your child recieved time out for a small infraction and then you punish them at home you may be making a mountain out of a mole hill, and creating a resentment towards school and the teacher.

4
2 20

As a K-6 teacher and a mother of 3, I can tell you that punishment at home for a small offense at school can be a big mistake. Sometimes you should leave what happened at school at school. I at no point suggested anyone not stay current and active in a child's life. I did however, say that there is no need to make a mountain out of a mole hill. If your child made a mistake, and learned from it then how does it make you a better and more involved parent if you "held a grudge" and continued the punishment at home? Sometimes just talking about what happened is enough to make sure they understood what they did and why they were punished. Coming down on your child just to prove you are not going to ignore things isn't a valid reason for discipline. Also, having been in the schools as a teacher, I know that unfortunatly not every teacher is a "good" teacher and how much trouble your child gets into sometimes depends on things like..how well the teacher slept last night, if another kid made her angry about something 5 minutes ago, if she prefers male students to female or vice versa, if your child is her "favorite" or least favorite. I wish that wasn't true but it is. So if your child is getting judged more harshly for something than they should and your motto is punished at school = punished at home no matter what, they will not know when they can tell you if there is unfair treatment b/c they will fear punishment and think u won't take their side. So again, everything isn't always black and white. So while I may not come down on my kids for EVERYTHING that happens at school, I am very active and current on all 3 of their lives, in every aspect of their lives. I have 3 good kids, I am told by teachers and other parents how great their manners are, how well behaved they are etc. So maybe leaving what happened at school there when the offense was not small and not repeated wasn't such a bad thing.

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3 4

Punishing a child is not an ultimate solution.If a child does wrong,sit with your child and explain the do and don't.

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4 83

A "punishment" is only effective at the tiem of the "offense" and if your child wsa already punished at school, that should be enough. Another thing to remember is that the punishment should fit the offense...for example; coming home late should not be punished by taking away TV privlidges, but rather by rolling back the time a child must be in the house...Good Luck

4
1 9

This is true, somewhat. But this really depends on the crime. If the child spoke out of turn and was spoken to in class--no biggie, it was taken care of. If the child was moved down a color on the behavior chart for goofing around in class--speaking to them about it at home is not ineffective. If my child gets in trouble at school, they have broken a home rule as well and that needs to be addressed. As long as, like you said, they punishment is appropriate for the infraction.

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631 96

Mommie - figure out why your child is misbehaving at school.

I told my children if they misbehaved at school they would be punished at home.

Five out o five never got in trouble at school (whew!)

love them! ♥ ♥

3
5 3

I think if they have been punished at school no extra should be given at home, However you should as a parent talk to your child about their behaviour and tell them its not on and they need to be respectful at school the same as at home. Then if the behavior at school continues you should definatley do something then. We need to be involved in our kids lives and expecially thier school life as if we dont, they can get in with the wrong crowd and you will wish you did more then.

3
0 0

if any of my children misbehave at school and the school disipline them i do not do it again at home as punishing them twice is very negative, but i do let them know that their behaviour at school is not acceptable

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6 25

I agree with Patty, Joy & Sharon. If our children misbehave at school, we will talk through it at home, depending on what they did and how their attitude is about what they did is at home, we may or may not have further discipline at home. When our daughter was rude to a teacher, she had to write a letter of apology to the teacher - another time one of our daughters was falsely accused and punished at school for something she didn't do. That time we backed our daughter and complained at school. I think that the children need to know that their time at school is a partnership between them, the teachers and their parents. If they know that if they misbehave at school, Mom & Dad will be told, and then Mom & Dad will discuss the issue with them, there is more opportunity for justice in the long run. Then we can discuss the issues with them at home, we have more time and to be honest more love for our children than the teachers do, and can expend more time and energy into working difficulties through with the children. Mostly our discipline has been more along the lines of talking to the children and writing letters of apology - as we feel this teaches the children to take responsibility for their own actions. This is our end goal, that our children are responsible for their own actions and that they learn to behave in a socially acceptable way - whether it is at school as a child or later in life as an adult.

3
79 10

I have had this happen so many times with my sons I can't count them! My 7 year old has been suspended three times already. I think both of those earlier posts are on the right track - it does depend on what sort of trouble they get into - let the school deal with little things, but discipline is taught at home. I don't just mean punishment, but them learning self-discipline as well. We often think that our son is rewarded for being naughty by being sent home (suspended) but really that is only done to protect other children. It is us parents at home that must teach him what's right or wrong. If the offence is serious (violence, stealing, etc) punishment alone won't work either - lots of talking with parents about how to treat others is also required. It's possible that your child just needs a talk at home. Whether they act up at school or not this should be happening anyway. Whatever you do, make sure you and their father are on the same page! There is nothing more damaging to a child's sense of right and wrong than when their parents conflict over discipline.

3
8 9

This seems extreme for a 7 year old! Are you working closely with his teachers and/or counselors to see if there is an underlying issue with his behavior (ADHD, Aspergers, etc.)? I agree that you and his dad need to be on the same page; you also need tto be on the same page with his school and even his pediatrician. Perhaps some of his behaviors are beyond his control and/or he needs to learn some specific strategies for his difficult times.

206 7

Definitely! You have to reinforce what is being taught at school. Whilst I know that the best way to discipline a child is at the moment they do something wrong, but when it comes to school you have to show a united front and back up what is being done there. I don't mean that if you think they are in the wrong that you shouldn't stand up for your child, but for most things it is important to back up the punishment at home by taking away their privileges at home. I take away my son's time on his gaming consoles for 24 hours for a small indiscretion and longer for anything worse (FYI - hardly ever have to do this!! :) )

2
14 30

It's not about being fair--It's about being the parent. Detention in school is nothing, so that will not stop her if she wants to act up again...Be her parent and not her friend...Her friends will tell her "You were already punished once...". Let them do their jobs and you do yours!

2
10 3

Generally yes, but we always check to make sure he really did do something wrong. Since the teacher was almost always right (older teachers are very nice this way, too wise in the ways of children shenanigans to have many things pulled on them. ;) ) we generally ended up with a mild grounding, like no TV that evening.

It would be more severe if the rule broken was a rule of consequence at home (ie: lying or other moral types, as opposed to "forgetting to turn in homework for the 3rd straight week")

School can be quite an adjustment. Lots of new rules and new authority figures. Lots of testing boundaries goes on. The sooner the student can settle in the easier it is. Backing up the teacher (so long as it was appropriate to do so) helped the adjustment period pass quicker because there was greater consistency.

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193 59

It really depends on what the situation was. If it was for not playing nice then maybe a simple talk about being disappointed in their behavior. If it was being disrespectful to the teacher or for being mean, violent etc then ABSOLUTELY!! What age are we talking about?... that matters also how you punish a child. It drives me insane that there are parents out there that have the attitude "what happens at school is the schools problem". Children then learn that there are no repercussions for their actions at home and it continues. We always had some sort of discipline for my children if they got into trouble at school even at an early age of 2 or 3 years old. May not have been major discipline or punishment but there was something to show them that we as parents would not tolerate misbehaving!! We never have had behavior issues out of my kids and I would like to say its because we have always tried to nip situations before they get out of hand and a child thinks its okay because we waited until they were older to try and correct them. But there have been times we have taken away the TV, computer, desserts, outside play time or even not gone to the movies like planned. Open communication with the teachers is where the first step begins, to find out what exactly happened for the punishment to have happened in the first place. It isn't double punishment, its installing into them that they are not off the hook as soon as they get home.... makes them think twice about getting into trouble outside of home as to not get in trouble at home too!

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28 8

yes, you should punish the child for having to GEt punished at school in the first place. they should be on their best behavior at school. so we punish our kids for trouble at school because the teacher should not have to stop her day to punish a kid she should be teaching. so the kid is getting in trouble not for whatever small thing he did at school but for having to be punished in the first place. for having to stop the day to deal with whatever they did. good question though!

2
4 8

It is our job as parents to teach our kids to respect authority. If we are trusting them to the school they're in, then we have to reinforce the rules. Not punishing at home shows them that you dint agree with the teacher, and so why should they. A great way to instill respect and value is to have the child write a thank you note to the teacher. This should come after the punishment, not BE the punishment.

2
5 3

My children know that if I get a telephone call or they aren't on green for the day that there are consequences when they get home. With my youngest who's still in elementary school needs to come home on green or she loses privileges - usually being able to go to her friend's house to play. As a result of my toughness I have received thanks from their teachers and administrators. With my middle school daughter who got into what could have been major trouble. My reaction and consequences reduced what the school would have done. Their consequences would have left a mark on her record.

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1 20

Depends on the offense. If it was severe, then I would definitely take away a privilege at home too. Such as TV, Playtime and require a chore to be completed.

2
5 0

The teacher is not always right. Other children will lie, blame another child to stay out of trouble. I want to be informed about the situation before my child gets a punishment. I want my child's side of the story. Teachers have bad days just like everyone else. Your child might unfairly be a scapegoat that day. What you find acceptable behavior at home might not be accepted in school. Better to have a sit-down and hear all sides. You can explain your child to the teacher to get everyone on the same page. Your children need to know that you are on their side. No one will ever love them like you do. In this harsh world, you are the soft place to land when the world is spinning out of control to your children. Trust no one's opinion of your child - not any teacher, coach, scout leader neighbor or religious leader - when they are in the position to hand out punishment.

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11 0

Yes, I feel that there should be punishment at home. Our kids should know that we care about what happens in their life. I think that it will make them think twice before getting into trouble. If my daughter gets into trouble at school from talking, I won't let her play with her friends after school. I may sound strict, but she tries hard to do good everyday. I think that it is lazy to not spend the time to teach your child right from wrong. My daughter's teacher sends home a behavior folder everyday so that I know what is going on. I think that is a great idea!!!

1
3 47

I agree it is the parents job to raise their own child. If my son or daughter did something to warrant a time out at school, then the punishment is done. I'd sit down with him/her what happened, etc.

As long as the schools have a reasonable policy about time out, I think it's fine.

1
0 6

I think it depends on age, we had an amazing pre-school teacher who said sometimes kids need to be redirected and a time out from time to time (after all they are still learning to navigate this world). Nothing that should be dwelled on and made into a big deal. However, older children making poor choices should be handeled by the parents. It is our job to raise respectful young adults who know that thier actions will have consiquinces.

1
99 48

Yes. The school, parents, grandparents, etc. should all work in harmony towards the betterment of your child. If your child only gets punished at school, then wait for him/her to think it's ok to do it at home, because he/she knows he won't get punished there. See? My daughter got a "red note" for twirling her cinnamon bun around and around on her finger during breakfast at school. My daughter is 4 1/2 years old and currently attending Pre-K at an elementary school. I've never really had that problem at home with her. She has, however, on occasion played with her black olives. She puts them all on her fingers (for the love of man) and waves them around. She is always reprimanded for it. Other that that, it's never really been an issue. She was put on time out at school for it, given a "red note", and given a "consequence" (for DELIBERATELY making the wrong choice) at home.
You should make the crime fit the time. Indeed. So true. I had my daughter clean out the freezer when she got home from school. I was nearby in case she had questions. I gave her some vinegar and water mix and explained exactly what I wanted her to do. She did not want to do it.
Good. That's the point. I also explained that we are gonna have the world's cleanest freezer if she got another "red note."
Another mother asked me why I didn't have her set the table every night or help with dinner? I explained to her that those examples are not punishments-or they shouldn't be. Setting the table for dinner or helping cook dinner every night are things that a child should be taught to do, and not used as a form of punishment. Also, children usually enjoy those things-when younger-and they should be allowed to feel that way.
Whatever you decide to do, your child has to understand that whatever caused the "time out", is behaviour that won't be accepted-anywhere. Good luck! :)

1
7 18

As the parent it is your responsibility to make sure your child respects everyone and behaves everywhere he/she goes. Zach is 6 and in first grade. If he does something at school that causes him to lose playground time or lowers his behaviour color, he also loses privilages at home. Teachers can only do so much when it comes to discipline. I have conversations regularly with my first grader's teacher and she knows me very well. I make myself involved in his school activities as much as his home activities and he knows if he misbehaves at school, there will be consequences at home as well. When disciplining at home for school behaviour, I always pick something that means the most to him. A great new toy he recently got, the Wii, computer or TV time. It is working really well for us.

1
9 0

Ideally the school and parents should support one another for the best interests of the child. Providing consequences for problem behaviours in the school and the home tells the child that neither parent nor teacher is willing to accept these behaviours. If a child goes to detention for bullying another student (for example), if parents don't provide additional consequences at home they're basically telling the child that they think the behaviour is acceptable.

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1 15

i have 3 teenage boys an a girl wen they act up at school they get disciplined at home to as they have to learn not to repeat it. so depending on what they have done the bigger the discipline

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12 5

We discuss every single incident and make it clear that we expect exemplary behavior in school and make the consequences clear. If there is more than the one time or isolated incident then we proceed to take away a privilege that is directly related to the offense. i.e. homework not returned in a timely manner = no computer or television time. Talking in class = not being allowed phone calls at home.

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8 28

If you don't discipline at home...where then? Nip the bad behavior in the bud...talk it out and ask the child what type of discipline she/he deserves for the wrong choice they made by acting out. Then. as hard as it sounds, carry out the discipline. I did this with my child growing up...and now she's a woman's pastor, pastoring and evangilizing women in Auburn, Kent and Covington Washington...It works....Something e;se to think about a "Sunshine Chart", reward's when good things are done, penalties when bad...they monitor the chart...you'll be greatly pleased when the realization of good hits their brains and hearts. Bless you.

1
1

If the child is suspended, then it would be best to discipline them at home as well. But if they have something they love like writing, photography- those are productive things so don't take them away.
Take away fun but time wasters such as Games and Movie's, shopping, and TV.

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4 0

It depends on the behavior and how many times your child has been disciplined for the same behavior. Do not ever take a teachers word for it without talking to your child and his/her other teachers to see if they all have the same problem. I only did this once with my oldest daughter in 1st grade. It turned out the teacher hated the private preschool and kindergarten my child attended. She seemed to have a problem with all 8 of the children that went to that school who were in her class. We took her out of that teachers class and for the next 12 years her teachers adored her and she never once even had a detention. not 1. So, just give your child the benefit of doubt until you get the facts. If your child is being disciplined for the same thing over and over, yes it's time to reinforce the punishment at home. If it's once in a while, give her/him a reasonable set number of chances before there is a price to pay at home. Mostly use common sense and do not be a "not my child" mother or one who automatically thinks there are not 2 sides.

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65 0

Let your child know that you don't like what they have been doing and it's dissapointing you.No child want's there parents too be upset or dissapointed at them.Your children are normally going too want too please you so if you tell them your dissapointed in them they may change the way they act but you defentily need too inforce the rules if they where in trouble at school or was disrepectful too a teacher anytime my children are disrepectful too whoever it is if it's a teacher i call for a parent teacher meeting and tell my child too appoligize and then make them give something nice that they made for the teacher too show there appretiation too the teacher because if you just say "sorry" well did they mean it probaly not.So i think that you shouldn't take anything away just call for a confrence and have the child appoligize and give there teacher something nice that they made from there hearts dont instruct them in what too make let them do that because it's supposed too help them build and say what they want through a kind picutre,thank you note or something like that.Don't punish the child twice but try the statagie that i gave you it may work.

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37 7

I do, I work with the school and if my son has behaved badly, he loses privileges at school AND at home. It's not easy though, because there are no instruction books, I just feel that if I expect the school to act as "the other parent" when I'm not there, I must back that other parent up!

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