At what age did you or will you discuss sex with your child?
The birds and the bees talk is one that many parents put off as long as possible. But all kids are going to learn about it eventually, whether it comes from their parents or not. How can you decide when it is time to talk to your own son or daughter about sex?
The right time is as soon as they start asking questions. Keep it as simple as needed at the time. Both my daughters were curious at a young age.(Like 3 and 4) I tried to keep it simple, but they understood that the woman had the egg inside her, so they kept asking how the man got his half into the woman. I finally just said (after a few different times of them asking) that he puts his penis inside her vagina and both girls at the same time let out the, "EWWWWWW." and "THAT'S GROSS!" It was a little hard for me to keep from laughing, but it was rather funny. That was enough to satisfy their curiousity for that time.
When my oldest was in fifth grade, a classmate was telling the girls that an older cousin told her it is better to start having sex before they even start getting their period so they wouldn't get pregnant. This classmate believed her cousin and thought this was a smart idea. Luckily, my daughter came home and talked to me about it. We had a nice discussion about sex at that point.
Now as seventh and eighth graders, we all watch the TV series THE SECRET LIFE OF THE AMERICAN TEENAGER on Netflix. Their dad hates that I let them watch it. During one episode he walked out of the room and said he must have heard the word SEX 25 times. I just shrugged and said, "Yes, but it keeps the lines of communication open." And it has! My eighth grader has talked to me about some of her classmates having sex. I love the fact that she is still comfortable openly talking to me about it. And my seventh grader asks questions during those conversations also. I mostly just answer matter of factly, so they don't think I am embarrassed or uncomfortable. And believe me, it does get a little uncomfortable by some of the things they hear at school.
"Sex" isn't a topic that has any boundaries. In our home, talking about sex has always been an important part of what we learn in an ongoing manner. When the girls were babies, we named the vagina, nipples and other parts properly, as if we were naming facial or other body parts. During potty training, sex talks consist of instructions on how to wipe and why. We've always had to have talks about who may or may not touch your private parts, at all ages. It has always just evolved based on what they were learning in school, things that happen to their bodies or things we see or read about that are becoming relevant. At every stage "sex" has meant something, so when our two oldest starting reaching puberty, the talks came naturally. They flow in a way that makes it impossible to mark the actual day that we talked about sex with them. I am actually just now appreciating the ease in which we now have usually uncomfortable discussions with our children. :)
I know people will disagree w/ me (& that is ok) BUT I think that from early on, when we are talking to our children while bathing them that we need to use the propert terminology for ALL body parts, and YES, IMO I think that should include saying 'penis'. Personally, I dislike when young children refer to their body parts w/ something like pee pee, or wee wee. We don't refer to our arms as rammy and leggo (or something silly like that) so why do we teach our children to refer to their genitals as some wierd name. I think that we can be honest w/ our children, yet we don't need to be graphic. Say something like babies grow inside the mother's womb. This is just MY opinion, so please, if you comment, just be nice. Thanks! :)
I've heard that you answer their inquiries as simply as possible until they stop asking questions. I also try to correct misinformation. For instance, my seven-year-old daughter told my four-year-old son that babies come out your belly button. I said simply, "No babies usually come out of the mommy's vagina." They both said, "Ewww, gross," and moved on to the next topic.
Oh my Gosh,not too early,It is sad enough kids are learning that at such a young age. And from kids in school who cant be telling it the right way. My grandson is7 almost 8,and we have not shared it yet.If he asks questions we try to explain the answer for him but very basically.
Let them remain kids and not have to worry about that stuff yet. I think there is a special class in school that helps them with it..
good luck. i would not share all the detail until at least12 or13 though.
Reading some of the comments on how old should a child be when you tell them about sex disappoints me when some people go to the exstead that the child thinks it is gross,like Cindy telling them step to step details isnt a good idea.esp if they take it back to school and kids start talking about what she shared with her kids before those kids parents did.
If they continue to ask just tell them it is something that happens between and mommy and a daddy after they are in love and married.That it is a beautiful experience and that is how they were born.Also they can share the story about adam and eve . they also need to know it is a natural thing but also a private one.
again you dont have to be telling them what takes place step by step,as they willlearn that soon enough.plus inschool they do give the children classes sharing them the correct way for a child to understand it,but i dont think until like 6 th grade. Did i say it is to be a private thing between a mommy and a daddy.my grandson asked me why papa and i dont have any babies. And i just told him that when you get older people dont have babies.Then he wondered about my daughter,I told him his other grand pa is her father not papa,my new husband.
Just tell them to end the conversation, to enjoy being a child and letting you and daddy take care of them so they dont have to worry about anything.
I always figured it was much better if they heard the facts from me than getting all sorts of misinformation from everywhere else. And that way I could also start attaching moral values to sexuality, instead of the "everything goes" attitude of our society. Kids really do tend to believe whoever told them about something first.
Answer their questions, and tell them as much as they want to know, yet keep it as simple as you can and avoid giving them more information than they need/want/can process. When my kids were very little and asked where babies came from, I told them they grew in their Mommy's tummy. When they were a bit older (preschool age) and asked how they got there, I told them that God made them grow there. When they were a bit older I explained how part of Mommy and part of Daddy joined to make them. The next stage would have been the actual sexual act. By just giving a bit more information with each stage, it never came to the point of having "THE TALK", which, quite frankly, probably makes it easier and less embarrassing for everyone.
As in everything else in parenting, honesty and opennes is a must if you want to build a healthy relationship with your kids. Answer his/her questions as they pop out and do not get embarrassed, or try to hide things, etc. Kids do not need a looong technical explanation. A few simple words will satisfy their curiosity and give them the security that all parts of their bodies are just as natural and legitimate and that sex is a good thing. I guess it all comes down to what your attitude and viewpoint on sex is, as it will be passed on to your kids. They learn by watching us and listening to us, much more than by the things we say when we try to teach them. Ha.
when I was pregnant with my daughter, my son was 2 and every month we would look in a book that showed the stages of a pregnancy and we touched base on "where babies come from". He is now 14 and we have had many conversations about sex. My daughter, who is 11, has known since last year. She asked and I told her that I was not going to sugar coat it and exlained it all. They both ask questions and we have talked about safe sex, waiting to have sex and what my expectaions for them are. We have talked about STD's and I have even shown them some photos on-line. I want them to know that it can happen to them, that they need to be safe. That they need to resect not only thier body but other's too. They have bright futures ahead and don't need to add the extra pressure of sex, having a baby or getting an STD. I have been very open with my children and in turn they have come to me with thier questions and concerns. I think you have to judge your children and give them "age appropriate" answers. I have told them, "yes, this is embaracing for both of us, but it should not be, we need to have open lines to talk to each other." If they can't come to me, they know they can talk to thier dad and thier grandparents (who they are very close with).
When my children started asking questions I told them what I thought they would understand but did
not go into specific details - it also depends what age they are. At a later stage a friend gave me a
little book `Peter and Janet` - I wouldn`t know if something like that is available today as it was a very
long time ago - that book explained it beautifully and I gave it to each of them as they got older. I know
that today children are told everything almost immediately - something that I don`t think necessary - but that is my opinion. As they grow older and ask questions it is necessary to be as honest as
possible and tell them as much as you think they can take in. I know it is a chance you take because
they may hear it from someone and not in a way that you may explain it to them so I can only wish you
all the best to know the right time and I usually pray and ask God for Wisdom in any situation. God
bless you. Kindest regards, Joan Bezuidenhout
I dnt think there's an appropriate age. I think the talk should start when ever they are exposed to sexual behavior and in this day and time that can be really young. I don't think it should be the birds and the bees talk but explaining what they might have seen or even what might have happen to them young or not is better than sweeping it under the rug because they're not at the "sex talk" age.
Given that elementary aged children are being shown really nasty porn these days, and by their friends, I'd say the sooner the better. When they ask questions, answer honestly but don't go so deep into it a four-year-old won't understand. Keep it simple, keep it real. Expect to have "the talk" more than once and more often as they age.
To me any age is alright but we should try by all means to give then only what is enough for then not a detailed something. But do we have to wai until they ask or we just have to provide then with the information that is where i find it a problem and the other thing is i cannot stand to watch sex movies with children really
I think it is naive to think that kids don't need to know the facts of life until they are older. Someone said age 12/13. Some girls are pregnant by that age. My son is now 14 and he started asking questions age 3. By 5/6 he was very curious. I found a website for his age group and we went through it together. It covered things from masterbation, sex, feelings, biology etc. I think I will do much the same with my daugher but only when she asks. She isnt interested at all and is nearly 6. I think you have to be led by your child. My folks didn't talk to me about sex and I ended up pregnant at 15!
Yes, as early as possible is great. It does give kids the ease in talking to you because they are accustomed to it. Waiting for their peers to tell them just builds walls between you and your kids in my opinion. I don't think that all kids are going to ask questions......giving you the cue they are ready to talk about it though. Not all kids are that out spoken. So in that case, by 12-14, you need to have some approach. Either, check a book out at the library or ask them questions like, "are you hearing anything at school you want to talk about?" The film in our school district teaching proper hygiene and the ways your body is changing in puberty, should be another easy way to bring up the subject which happens about 5th grade. Mostly, be prepared and have a set plan and basis of beliefs in play, not just a conversation about how sex works, but good moral standards in place too.
Every child is different because my son was 3. He didn't ask questions but when one of my neice slept in the bed with him he was rubbing on her and she thought nothing of it cus it was a twin bed and she thought he was sleep but this happened again and she turned around and his eyes were wide open. I thought it was 2 soon but then I start seeing him playing with hisself so I ask the doctor about it and they told me some kids hormones cum early and that they start producing sperm at 8 yrs old. I thought this is really young to be doing all this so that means us as parents has 2 step up and keep and eye out on these kids.
If you discuss bible stories with your children, those stories (Birth of Jesus) (virgin Birth) will bring up sex content at a very early age. Keep it simple. (I use planting a seed - Dad) ( Growing the seed - Mom) Then as children ask a question, answer it. It is important for parents to teach their children, because they can teach morality with the sexual lesson. Children are exposed to so much information in our society. Parents should teach before they seem to their children like someone out of touch. My sons had many questions by ages 5 and 6, and I answered them.
I've always read that you dont answer any more than what they are asking about.
My son starting asking questions around the age of 8 and I didnt want him to go
share the answers with his peers. It also depends on the developmental age of the
child. My 13 year old is very "miss innocent" as the middle school peers call her.
She came home a few days ago and asked me what "BJ' means....of course I followed
up with where are you talking about this stuff and when do u have time at school?
Anyway, I explained it's a form of sex, totally grossed her out so I dont think she will
be experimenting anytime soon.....A chronological age is not the developmental age.
Answer as a matter of fact, keep it simple, no TMI (too much information) and give
praise for coming to mom with the questions, at least you know it's getting answered right.
My daughter is 8 years old and I know at school her classmates must be telling her something already, so I know I have to talk to her but somehow I'm so scare of that conversation that I'm running away from it like hell. I told my husband to give my a clue and idea or something how to approch her and he said I'm sorry honey that's all you! since she is a girl I guess I'm stuck with this job by myself. You should know I have two other girls ages 4 and 2 so I better get a handle of this and do it right cause there are more after her. If anybody has any advice (not like my hubby's please! lol) it would help a lot.
I started talking with my oldest son about it around 8. Some may think that's too young but honestly, I'd rather start young than have it be too late.
I've always believed that when a child is old enough to ask the question, they're old enough to hear an honest answer.
This question I think is in the refrence of the whole shabang discussion, so obviously it does depend on the child and the enviroment you are in. my oldest is 9 and i am sure by the end of this year she will become a young woman , so I will def have a deeper discussion about why we have a menstrual cycle, and the new feelings she will be dealing with. I am originally from Cleveland Ohio and to be honest most of us up there were interested in boys by 5th grade. Most became sexually active by the 7th grade. That being said, my husband and I will be talking with her (and our other children) no later then 5th grade, and we will probably go through " The Purity Code: God's Plan for Sex and Your Body
By: Jim Burns and make it a big deal and encourage them to ask their friends to join them on this commitment to wait for the one God has made for them. Along with a few other books and studies to help her during that walk of her life and especially to prepare them for college life that they may be prepared as much as possible to fight temptation. My mother never talked about it and I never understood how special that was and how God gave me that special gift to share with my husband, both of us wish we would have just understood how precious it was. the first time I was convicted really of my past was when my oldest was about 2 I think I saw that episode when the son on 7th heaven had to tell his parents he wasn't a vrgin anymore and as a parent now I just cried and cried. wow how my own parents felt about their precious daughter doing those things. I called her and talked about all of it with her. my advise is to be aware, never think she/he knows better, don't be blinded by what is really around you. your job as a parent never ends and you can never be too carefull set guidelines and expectaions ahead of time and stay firm. you only get one shot, so give it your all.
I think subtle conversations leading up to the "big one" will help you when the time is right. I want to believe that my daughters and I are close enough that when they begin to have these feelings the door already has a door jam in it open and ready for the "real" conversation.
I had the talk as soon as my kids started asking. My 9 year old came home asking about it when she was 7 because some kid at school was telling her about it. I didn't want her to get the wrong information so I had the talk. My 7 year old asked at 5. I had the talk with her then and she was surprisingly mature about it and wanted to know every single detail on 'how the baby gets I. Your tummy'! I both told them not to share it with their class mates because their own parents will tell them when the time is right.
When they ask questions, that's when it's time to talk. If you avoid it or make something up to get out of answering them they'll ask someone else. Or if you mislead them, as soon as they hear it from somewhere else, they'll know you're not being honest and won't go to you with any other questions. My oldest started asking when he was about 6 and I was honest with him and explained things to him in a way a young person like that would understand. Now he talks to me about things all the time and it's very open and good communication. My 6 year old hasn't started asking yet, but he hears things and repeats them. When he does I question him about what he knows and then tell him the truth about what it was he repeated so he understands as well as he can.
My son was 8 years old & started asking questions. I went to a kid friendly site that had pictures so I could explain how a girl is different & that soon girls in his class will start having periods . That is part of their normal life so they will be able to have babies when the time is right. Having sex one time she could get pregnant. He is 10 now & we talk about anything he needs answered. Some things I do have my husband explain. I hope he continues to ask before doing anything he'll regret . Time will tell.
This topic is nothing to be ashamed of or embarassed by, especially if you are a mother opening the sacred door of knowledge to your daughters. A young girl's transition (having her period) is natural, and it should be honored. I especially think that multi-generational aspects are important (involving aunts and grandmothers and female cousins). It’s really very special to celebrate such milestones of change together, growing close with other women, and I regret that this was not done in my family. Instead, menarche was nicknamed "the curse" and it was something gross and dirty. Not true! Discussion regarding how adults fall in love, how babies are conceived, and how families are raised are special and blessed. GOOGLE "The Red Tent" ... this shows modern gatherings that mark an empowering connection among females of all ages, from young to old. Menstruation brings us into womanhood – a time to rejoice and be supported by other women. From this point onwards, our lives are filled with occasions when empowerment by and between women is the perfect way to celebrate... and sometimes, the support is more important than the celebration! From the first time a female falls in love, to the hot flashes of menopause, a Red Tent gathering honors the collective power of women. For instance, have a look at what this website offers: http://redtentparty.wordpress.com/ There are many more such groups... perhaps in your own area... or perhaps you should start one with your daughters.
I am a grandmother. I talked about how babies were made with my children from toddlers onwards , truthfully, but downplaying sex. At that age it is much easier with none of the embarrassment and they accept it as natural, which it is. I answered all their questions which became more specific as they neared adolescence. They were comfortable discussing the subject with me which is what I wanted.
I discussed drugs and alcohol, sexually transmitted diseases, contraception and homosexuality with them, including the ethical and moral aspects, when I believed they were ready for these topics . Also I ensured that they knew how to protect themselves by saying no, and telling me, should any relative or friend of the family touch them or make them feel uncomfortable.
By the time they were teenagers they had all the facts and had discussed the rights and wrongs and were clear about my stance and my reasons. They grew up well with none of the above problems and were very open with me, often bringing their worries to me. Their friends were amazed and envious at the things they felt they could talk to me about.
They started asking about it around four and I started answering as soon as they asked.
We had sex ed in grade 6 (i was 11) My mum was kinda late on talking to me about it cuz it was a month after i had learnt about this suff.
As soon as my son started asking questions. We were at a baby shower and he had a ton of questions about how babies get in a mommys tummy. He was 5. We kept it developmentally appropriate and did use our religious beliefs to explain that it should be inside of marriage. At 8, he asks questions every now and then and we revisit the discussion and the explanations change slightly to accomodate his developmental age. I grew up catholic and sex was a taboo subject in myy house. I was terrified on my wedding night. My husband grew up where sex was discussed appropriately and his views were more "normal" for lack of a better word than mine. I believe it is healthier to discuss and answer your childrens questions than to turn it into a huge deal. It took me years to get over my hangups and it was all because I was led to believe it was gross, dirty, a sin. I would never put that on my child. It just isnt fair to them.
when they're 40
Is it a lie/wrong when my 8 years old daughter asked me "what is virginity?and i said u gonna know about it in time. is it wrong to say that?i hope i hear some advise from here.
Honestly I think as soon as she shows interest in it. But only as much information as will settle her curiosity at that time.
I think I can pretty much bet on that I can get her to come to me with that stuff. My nephews and nieces do all the time and they're teens. As a matter of fact I hear a lot of stuff that I really wish I didn't know about them but I do (they talk to me about sex and every other subject that you wouldn't want to know about your sibling's kids you can think of). They come to me cause they know that I'll be honest with them I don't judge them I listen and let them talk and I'm not one to run to their parents and spill all that they tell me. If I feel like it's big and needs to be brought up to a parent I encourage them to talk to their parents. Also I never promise to keep a secret just in case and luckily there hasn't been a situation that I felt direly needed to be brought up to their parents yet. (btw I'm sorry my comma button doesn't work). I also told my parents and my brothers that if my daughter comes to them and shares information with them that I don't want to know what was said unless it's direly important that I know. I want her to feel comfortable coming to another trusted adult family member if she doesn't feel like talking to me about it. All I do ask is if it is something big that they encourage her to bring it up to me.
My nine year old daughter was very interested in learning how-exactly how-her new baby sister got in my tummy. She knew it took some of Dad and some of me, and had somehow figured it had nothing really to do with the tummy. And so my husband told her at dinner that daddy and Mommy fit our parts together, yup, our penis and vagina, and that's how the baby starts. She had a few more questions, but the funniest one, and the one my husband would like confirmed in writing and notorized was, "Okay, but I don't have to do that 'til I'm 27, right?" Since then she has asked, "What is birth control?" because she saw a commercial on T.V. And she learned a bit more. And more difficult, "What is an abortion?" because of a political news cast where birth control and abortion were being discussed. Her response was incredibly thoughtful. All in all, I'm glad that we are being very up-front with her. My son, 6, more quiet than his sister asks different questions and doesn't dive for more info or ask further questions. So he knows (for now) that Mom and Dad together put baby in my tummy.
when my children began to ask me both times it was around the age of three, i bought a copy of babbette coles mummy laid an egg and read it to them, fun illustrations and gentle explanations, without getting embarrassed or too fixed on the bits and pieces. teaching them how babies are made is not about teaching them how to have sex. and if they know the mechanics then the mystery wil not be so attractive when they are older. by age eight i had explained to my son what condoms were for and that without using protection when he was old enough he might catch diseases, after all if he is worried about damaging his body with diseases he is not going to be likely to make someone accidently pregnant, we also discussed sexual preferences very openly and at when he started dating at 14 we also talked about sex and relationships. my biggest piece of advise was that when it came to the time he wanted to have sex, to make it special, to ddo it on purpose, with someone he really cared about and that he would be happy to remember for the rest of his life. after all you only do it the first time once, why make it a hurried and embarrasing affair to keep up with your friends?
My daughter is 2 1/2. While on the potty, she looks down and asks - what's that... I told her it's where the pee pee comes out and told her that no one except her is allowed to touch it. That mommy can sometimes help her to clean, but otherwise, no one. She gets it, and at this age (I think), that's all she needs to know.
As soon as they start asking questions. Kept it simple and age appropriate. For my oldest who is 14, we went into further details by age 11-12. Why? Because his friends were talking about it. Middle school children know more about sex than we did at their age. Did not want "friends" educating him. Told him the good, bad, and the ugly.
My son is two and we discuss things as they come up. I suppose if he were to ask about the physical act any time soon, I'd tell him it's what mommies and daddies do when they really care for eachother and about making babies and that I'll tell him more in a few years. I think once he's at an intellectual level where I could give the "don't try this" speech and know he heard that part I'd tell him. I'm planning on having him present for the delivery of our new family member and so he's watched a few birthing videos and he knows about the difference in body types and about breasts. We use medical terms usually as to not confuse him and we are just honest.
We're the kind of household with tasteful nudge photography prints here and there and a stack of books on explaining sex to children for various ages on our bookshelf. We figure that he'll pick them up and look at them when he's ready and when he does, we'll broach the subject.