What can you do when your children and their step-father don't get a long?

Having a new adult in their life is often quite difficult for children. What advice do you have for moms whose children are not getting along with their new husband or significant other?

30  Answers

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One of the things I loved about my step-dad is he made time for me by getting to know what intrested me. He even took me to places I like, just the two of us. He will say now is our time, to give your mom a break from us bone heads and wink at her. He left the disciplining to my mom, but would talk to me about why it was wrong in a calm and loving manner. He will then make us hug and tell each other "I love you". He use to help me with my homework and rewarded me when my grades were good. I miss him so much. May he rest in peace!

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I have been married almost 10 years to my second husband. Our eldest son (now 15; 4 when we married) is not my husband's biological child but my younger two are. There have been contentions all the way. My husband fully admits that early on he did not feel the same way about our eldest as he does about the younger two. That's tough to hear as a Mum, but it is the reality of it. My husband worked very hard to overcome this, but it was a real struggle.

My eldest has never had anything to do with his biological father (from a short relationship between marriages) so that has simplified the issue. Like the other two posts, communication between the family is the key, but it's a mistake to ever think this would be easy. Unlike one of the other posts, I no longer believe that the children come first (I did when I first married!). Good modelling to children requires that the husband and wife put each other first: if they see their parents doing that, they are more likely to do it themselves and thus perpetuate good modelling of relationships. Also, putting your partner's needs at the top of the list ensures happy partners which is much more likely to produce happy children. Of course, both partners must do this equally, it's not going to work if one puts their parner first and one doesn't. It is also much harder in a relationship where the biological father is around as children have another authority figure in the mix. I admire families like this who keep it together, because it's hard enough to do blended family without the extra parents!

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5 11

I used to go with my 2 children father for almost 11 years, and we have been broken up for 5 years. I am now dating another man for 4 years, and my son is the only one who couldn't get along with my boyfriend. I don't take sides but do support my son fully regardless. I had to fight with my boyfriend over discipline with my son because he didn't like how I discipline or handle my son. I handle my son different because he have ADHD with depression. I have experienced my son tried self suicide few different times that I had to learn how to handle my son differently than always trying to discipline my son for every mistake he makes. I got tired of always being in a middle between my boyfriend and my son. I love my boyfriend because he's a good guy with a good heart, but don't like it when he believes in "Old School ways" that I have to sign up for a therapy for me and my boyfriend to get things worked out. My son has to see two different therapist along a psychatrist to improve in his behavior. I did warned my boyfriend that if things continue to be awful between all of us, that I will have to leave him because I cannot chose him over my children (which my mother did to us by chosing her "so called" boyfriend over us kids when we were young). I would suggest family counselor or therapist for you, your husband, and your children to try bring together the family instead of seeing it fall apart.

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The number one problem, when you said, "but do support my son fully regardless." This type of position will make the stepfather feel isolated in the home, why? Because when the stepfather tries to discipline the child or take corrective actions, you will then jump in save the child regardless of the situation and this will cause emotional pain for the stepfather...men will tend to pick-and-choose their battles. They will try to avoid things that cause problems between you and him. A man want's peace in the house. So the man will go through alternative means of addressing issues with the child, by going through you, the mother, to get you to address the child…you will then get mad at the stepfather and retaliate on the stepfather for bringing up a problem with your child. Now the stepfather knows that anything that has anything to with your son will ultimately cause him to have problems. Now another situation will emerge...thanks your philosophy of "Support my son fully regardless", the stepfather must now practice child avoidance. Have nothing to do with the child, why? Problem avoidance. To keep the peace, the stepfather must now avoid the things that cause problems for him. Now as the mother with the naive notion of; "Support my son fully regardless", will be sitting back with her shoulders hunched saying, "what’s wrong, does this man despise my son"...no he does not despise your son, he despise the problems he causes. i.e. 1. Stepfather corrects son. Son tells mother. Mother fights stepfather. 2. Stepfather goes through the mother to correct son. Mother does nothing. Mother fights stepfather. 3. Stepfather doesn't say anything to son. Mother gives father peace. ****Do you see where I'm going? Grownups are quick to say that children have problems adjusting...it is also the mothers who have problems, because she is used to handling issues all alone, without the intervention or help of a man. When a man accepts a woman like you, with someone’s else child and tries to be a father figure, you need to adjust and allow him to be the man of the house. Not saying to put the man first and be against your son, but to be open to having a united front with the man. You can support what the man is doing by playing “Good-cop/Bad-cop.” If the stepfather lays down something to the child, instead of fighting the stepfather over what he said to your son... come behind the stepfather with gentle words to your son on why he better do as he is told or the consequences could be worst. Now...instead of stripping the stepfather of his fatherly-positional-power, you have now reinforced it and thus giving his position teeth. Now the child will be forced to adjust to having a father figure in the house....in oppose to saying, "you’re not my father, I don't have to listen to you."

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The kids are just kids and just learning to adjust to situations like this. HE is an adult and has had situations of adjustment all his life to prepare. Tell the kids to make their best efforts,and make sure they follow through, w/ ready consequences; and tell him that he takes the high road and sets the tone for a solid relationship or he leaves.

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Husband left me and my kids, i was passing though pains, sorrow, heartbroken, going crazy but this is how i restored happiness back in my life by getting my husband back. I’m Tiffany Wilson from UK. I'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband with two kids. A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.{Templeofloveandprosperity@gmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of Dr Frank Ojo a spell caster. So, If you have any problem contact him, I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you, Thanks to Dr Frank Ojo for bringing back my husband ,and brought great joy to my family once again, so here his email address { Templeofloveandprosperity@gmail.com } Website address: http://lovespell2.yolasite.com, His Mobile number: +234)80- 7237-0762, Dr Frank Ojo is the best spell caster online contact him if you have any problem.

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For now mom should do the disciplining and step dad should take a back seat. This doesn't mean they should take abuse, but until the child learns to trust the new parental figure he shouldn't try and rule the roost. It is ok for step dad to be firm when need be, but consistency is the most important thing. Kids need consistency, and the more consistent the step dad is the quicker they will gain the child's trust and respect.

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Well fist you have to talk to your children and find out why they are not getting along with their step-father and then speak to him about it. It would be a good idea to all sit down at the kitchen table and have a heart to heart about the situation. It is hard when kids/adults have to adjust to new situations. Make sure the children know that their step-father loves and supports them and as a mother you have to support that relationship. Find things for them to do together. Suggest activities that you can all do as a family so no one is excluded.

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my stepdad is putting cameras in the house to see if i am acting out like yelling at my mom

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Husband left me and my kids, i was passing though pains, sorrow, heartbroken, going crazy but this is how i restored happiness back in my life by getting my husband back. I’m Tiffany Wilson from UK. I'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband with two kids. A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce. he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.{Templeofloveandprosperity@gmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past 7 months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of Dr Frank Ojo a spell caster. So, If you have any problem contact him, I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you, Thanks to Dr Frank Ojo for bringing back my husband ,and brought great joy to my family once again, so here his email address { Templeofloveandprosperity@gmail.com } Website address: http://lovespell2.yolasite.com, His Mobile number: +234)80- 7237-0762, Dr Frank Ojo is the best spell caster online contact him if you have any problem.

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I'm a single mother of a son and it bothers me to hear woman say they out men that are not there child's biological father before them! Especially the lady that states he treated her son funny but there kids together good ! Like hell no I don't want love that much that I would make my child feel secondary ! If it was his biological father and were married I can see slightly but trufully children need love especially when they have no biological father I grew up resenting my mother because she put her husband before in I found myself promising I would never do that to my child ! But I guess woman need love so bad companionship that your kids interest are secondary no way guess that's my Virgo way of thinking but I totally respect woman who choose the alternative route

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I don't know what to do, my husband does not get on with my 10 year old daughter. She actually lives with her dad and comes to mine every couple off days, I was dealing with adult abuse 3 years ago and asked for help so she seems to have a more settled time being under her father's care. Anyway she has learning difficulties and just doesn't listen and answers back all the time. My husband has tried to get along with her and do things with her, but now today he has resorted to staying in the outside shed and watch movies while she is here over night, he will come in later but its all so uncomfortable I don't know what to do. He does get angry and sometimes I feel he isn't approaching our situation right and it even comes to the point of not talking to me. Please give me some advice

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I've been married 16 years and have a son, 19, from my first marriage. My son was 1 when we married and we also have a son together who is now 15. I mourn for the days when the boys were little and were happy to play in the back yard or with their trucks or even help dad build, but basically were just little boys enjoying life. Don't get me wrong, both boys are still gorgeous and enjoy life, but obviously one is now a man. He also still hasn't figured out what he wants to do with his life which is fine, but my husband is putting pressure on him to figure himself out. My son spends a fair bit of time in his room playing computer games which he says relaxes him, and my husband just can't stand that. My husband is a builder and very proactive and busy, so at the moment they have absolutely nothing in common. Being 19 now, my son is starting to stand up to my husband and is telling him exactly how he feels. This is creating so much tension and my husband can't handle it. My son has been out west working on a property for food and board and loving it and has come home for a week for a visit. I could see such a change in my son; confident, happy, free and easy and was so excited for him to see his stepfather who I was sure would see a change also. Within one hour of seeing each other, my husband and son were arguing over the fact that my son had only cleaned up half the kitchen, and had left the rest for his brother, which was the deal. When my son put this point across in no uncertain terms, my husband just started yelling at him saying he thought he might've learned something whilst he'd been away, to just do the whole job and not worry about waiting for others. I think my husband could've so easily said, hey mate, I know your brother should've done the rest, but how about just finishing the job and I'll speak to your brother. No, there had to be yelling and then a 5 minute lecture about how hard my husband works for a living! What do I do? I don't want to cry anymore.

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I am going through a very similar situation at the moment... Out of four sons just my 19 year old does not get along with my partner... He is the only one living at home now and as been spoilt, my partner tries to get him to do more for himself and be an adult, but my son as recently started working and doesn't think anyone can now tell him what to do... If my son is in the wrong I will tell him and also with my partner I do the same... My son worries about me because his dad abused me for 26 years so he has s3n himself as my protector because for 2 years after I left his dad it was just him and I and we are close... My other sons agree with how my partner says things because he is a really good man but its just the arguing and I don't know how to stop it... Do I give up and walk away from the only man who has every shown me love and respect or do I continue to live with conflict.???

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I was lucky enough to raise in a culture where the Mother who get married when she has children and her X is still alive, is pretty much considered a H**E.

The Step Father should not have to anything with your children (especially if their father is still alive).. after all he is there because he is interested in sleeping with you!

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Me and my husband have been trying for a baby for over three years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 8 months before somebody told us to contact this spell caster who is so powerful, We contacted him at this email arewaspecialistttemple@gmail.com I copied the email and I sent him a mail he replied me and I told me all my sorrow is over, but after three years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to try anything. And I'm glad we came to Dr Dahiru, Because his pregnancy spell cast put us at ease, and I honestly believe him, and his gods really helped us as well, I am thankful for all he has done, he then told me that I should wipe my tears with such comforting words he told me to buy some items that his going to use to cast the pregnancy spell I did and he made the spell for me and told me when next I meet with my husband I we conceive,at first I thought it was a scam but I just followed my inner mind and I sent the money for him to buy all the items after some months I went to check with my doctor and I was 4weeks pregnant, thanks to Dr Dahiru spell temple,I want to use this medium to tell everyone having similar problem. contact him via email: arewaspecialistttemple@gmail.com if you are trying to get a baby or want your lover back. he has powers to do it, he has done mine,

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Hi there! I have a friend who had a step father as a child and the three kids did not get along with him right from day one. He was a lovely man and I'm sure yours is aswell! When the stepfather first came into the family the kids were just three, six and nine. They would do things to the stepfather like spit in his face when he opened a door, kick him in the shins and run away and lots of silly and annoying things like this at first. As they got older they got really close with him but there was still the occasional prank. When the oldest was around 18, he and the step father started to have arguments and the oldest would be disrespectful to the mother and then the step father would stand up for his wife and this would cause problems and tension between stepfather and son. I know that there was a time where they had a big fight when the oldest boy yelled at his mother and was half kicked out half moved out of the house and went to life with his real father, who the three kids had been visiting every week. The stepfather and the mother couldn't get in contact with the boy and they ended up not speeding for about six months. Soon enough, the boy started to miss his younger siblings and started to take his younger sisters out to the movies or park ect. At times he would see his mother and eventually tey all started going out as a family again but the boy never stayed at there house. After a couple of months of meeting a mere times every week, the boy ran into trouble at his dads house and had a fight with his dad. He then moved back in with his mum and stepfather and younger sisters and has been living there since. The dad and him soon started talking and are in full contact now, it did take them a while, about eight months though.
My advise to you would be to make sure that your husband doesn't interfere with any fights that you or your children may have. If there does come a problem like a fight, then just leave it for a while. The fight with soon sooth over.

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GREAT THANKS TO DR. SAM THAT HELPED SAVED MY MARRIAGE AND HELPED ME GET PREGNANT. I'm Stephanie Williams from USA, for over 4 years now of my marriage i have been trying to get pregnant, this almost made my husband to divorce me because my mother in-law was planning to get him another girl, i was always crying everyday because my marital life way going down. My mother in-law made my husband believe that i was the cause of us being able to give birth, i was always crying, my heart was broken into pieces. My husband and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. We have done one IUI with no luck. My husband has a sperm count which goes up and down,the doctor has recommended him taking the Proxeed supplement which he is doing over 3 years with no change in the situation my husband who has low sperm count? It just seems to me that if the sperm are unable to fertilize the egg it will not matter how many are produced. I am was so confused until i contacted this powerful spell caster online who I saw a number of testimonies of how he has help so many of them so I sent DR. SAM a mail and I told him all my sorrows and pain he replied me and ask me not to cry any more that he will help, he sent me some instructions and caution, DR. SAM (the spell caster) performed the ritual rights and I bought some items to complete the rights and he told me to have sex with my husband within 2weeks of doing this I felt dizzy and I went to the doctor and it was confirm that I was pregnant thanks to DR. SAM spell temple now am a mother of a bouncing baby boy and joy has been restored to my marital life and am very happy, no more stress from my mother in-law. If any one needs such help don’t wait all life time to get help in getting pregnant contact DR. SAM now on his personal email : miraclefertilitysolutiontempl1@gmail.com or miraclefertilitysolutiontemple@yahoo.com or through his website: http://miraclefertilityso.wix.com/dr-sam You can also contact him through his mobile: +2348110496031. Contact him now for pregnancy spell and love spell to bring back your ex lover

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I have two lovely boys but am no longer with their father. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years now and am experiencing real problems between him and the children.

My boyfriend has been brought up in a very strict manner and believes that parents are more important than children and that they should be seen and not heard. I on the other hand believe that being a parent is the most important job you can do and that although manners and discipline are incredibly important, fun is important too.

My youngest son, who is 8, has very mild autism. My boyfriend however feels that he is 'getting away' with things.

After an altrication this morning I discussed things with my children and one of them said that he doesnt look forward to coming home sometimes as he knows he will get shouted at.

Whilst I love my boyfriend, my children are more important and I want them to be able to remeber their childhood fondly.

What I am looking for are some ideas how to get my boyfriend to enjoy the children and not focus on the little things and for my children to respect my boyfriend - any ideas?

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My situation is so simular to yours. I dont what to do. I have 3 children that are not my bf. But i now have 2 that are. I am a stay at home mom. My older kids want him to leave. .. i try and talk to him and he blows up. Never changes. Its been 5 yrs. I feel like i am torn b/t my kids.

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I have been with my husband for over 10 years and been married for 2 years. I have 4 children. The two oldest r from my first marriage and the 2 little ones are from my 2nd marriage. Before my 3rd child was born, my husband was amazing with my oldest son who is now 17. But they have the worst relationship ever. My husband likes to command him to do stuff every time he looks at my 17 yr old son. He doesn't like the fact that my son loves to play xbox. My son doesn't like to be around my husband at all. My husband likes to out him down in many ways. My husband is always telling my son he has to get a job. I think it's because my son's presence bothers him. We are always fighting about this and my husband only sees his way. My 1 year old's dad is not in the picture physically, but he does talk to my son on his cell. I don't know how else to go about this. I have asked my husband I want a divorce, he says I take the easy way out. I think I'm just fed up with my husband.

Please help.

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Hi um I'm 11 and me and my stepdad is always arguing and we only get along at times. And The First I Got In Punishment Bye Him Was When I was In 2011 I Was 9 And I Got Mad At Him For Yelling At Me To shutup So I Left Out The House And He Found Me By Our Car I Got In Trouble. And my mom was being on his side she was nice before she met him now she's not! What should I do...

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help them bond with each other

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I HAVE A HUSBAND HIS IS MY SECOND ONE. WE HAVE NO CHILDREN TO GATHER. I HAVE THREE. ONE HAS ALREADY MOVED OUT GOTTEN MARRIED. THE OTHER TWO STILL AT HOME AGE 16 AND 20 . THEY DO NOT GET ALONG WITH THEIR STEPFATHER AT ALL. I SEEM TO BE IN THE MIDDLE . SEEMS I ALWAYS HAVE TO CHOICE BETWEEN THE TWO. LIKE THIS MORNING MY HUSBAND LEAVES OUR HOUSE BY 8 TO GO TO WORK. MY SON GETS ON THE BUS AT 6:30. I WAS RIDING WITH MY HUSBAND TO WORK THIS MORNING. BEFORE WE LEFTED I TOLD HIM WE CAN DROP MY SON OFF AT SCHOOL. HE SAID NO THAT HE NEEDED TO START WALKING TO SCHOOL AND WOULD GET THERE BY TIME SCHOOL STARTS AT THIS TIME IT WAS ALMOST 7 AM. WE LIVE ABOUT 3 1/2 MILES FROM SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY. HE SAID I COULD NOT TAKE HIM. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY WE CANT JUST DROP HIM OFF ON THE WAY. IT IS ON THE WAY WE NEEDED TO GO. HE TOLD ME HE NEEDS TO RIDE BUS. WHATS HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRY TO BE NICE TO YOUR KIDS AND TAKE THEM TO SCHOOL EVERY KNOW AND THEN? MY HUSBAND WAS SO MAD AND REFUSED TO TAKE HIM. SO IM GOING OT TAKE ME HUSBAND TO CATCH A BUS FOR WORK IN A LARGE TOWN. AND MY SON STAYS OUT OF SCHOOL. IS THAT FAIR TO ANYBODY? SLO MY CHILD WILL STAY HOME CAUSE OF THIS PROBLEM THIS MORNING. WE LIVE A SMALL TOWN. THANKS FOR LISTENING.

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I think your husband is wrong and cruel to do that, I have problem my husband does mot like my son, if ir carrys on I shall take my boy and leave

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I think it's important for your children to get along with step parents in general. But it's important for the step parent to prove that they want to honestly be apart of the childs life. There has to be quality time spent on it because the bottom line is your child isn't going anywhere. My husband grts aling great with my children but it wasn't always like this. Now my kids are adults and they wouldn't change there relationship for anything in the world

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I'm not going to get married to a guy if they don't get along with my kids, but you need to protect the child if tha't necessary. I'm not referring to disagreements, but malice or abuse. The step father needs to accept that this kid is more difficult than others, but he needs to be the adult about it

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When my husband and I first got together, we moved very quickly. 2 weeks after we started dating, we decided that we wanted the same things in life and that we were meant to be. We got married almost 3 months later. We have been married, now, for almost 3 years. I have 2 daughters and they were 5 & 10 years old at that time. My oldest's father hadn't been in the picture in a very long time...he had a tough time dealing with the severity of her disabilities. She is developmentally delayed in all areas and is completely reliant of her caregiver. My youngest daughter had just met her bio dad the month prior to my husband and I dating. Talk about timing. I never married either. The way we approached my 5 year old was that she was the luckiest girl in the world because she gets 2 dads. She loved that idea and so we went with it. Her bio dad has only come around maybe 3 or 4 times since then. She refers to him as her first dad. She calls my husband Daddy and he considers them his children. The girls adapted very well to my husband moving in and becoming a part of our family. My husband and I present a united front and the youngest is expected to be respectful of that. She knows that my husband and I talk about everything and so there are no secrets. We also include her in family discussions. My husband and I decided that we would like to have a child together and before we moved forward with that, we talked about it with her. We are all on board. Everything is not great all the time, though. My oldest absolutely adores my husband and he is an amazing dad to her. I am blessed to have found a man so open and accepting to take care of such a needy child. My youngest, on the other hand, is definitely a Mommy's Girl. She gives him a hard time a lot. I don't necessarily think that it's the fact that he is her step-dad, though. She's 8 years old and testing boundaries at this time. I'm more passive and he is more firm. So she can't get much by him most of the time. On the weekend's, though, they go out and do Daddy and Daughter time which both enjoy very much. I personally think that family dynamics vary from family to family and that there is no one solution to make it all work. You just have to figure out what's best for your family and give your children and husband a fighting chance. Even though my youngest does not get along with my husband at times, I think that that is just kids being kids. Her and I don't get along all the time either. I don't love her or my husband any less and she doesn't love us any less.

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16 33

I have been married to my second husband for, it will be five yrs. in Nov. I have three children from the previous husband all teens and a little girl that will be five in July with the new hubby. We have a huge blended family with many step adopted children on his side but the children mentioned are the ones that we live with.
The kids did not like the "step father" idea or the fact that I was having a child with him. I sat down with all of my kids alone at first and spoke to them. Explaining as well as asking questions. I explained that just because I am named "Mami" did not mean that I'm perfect and make no mistakes, we do. I asked them if they wanted to see me happy and told them that everyone deserves to be happy.
I also told them that I knew and understood that this new change would not be easy or fun at first but according to the choices we all make we can make the best of this situation.
I shared that this new man in my life loves me and will love them and support them the same but will never want to take the place of their father, which is very much part of the kids lives.
With all that said, I made sure that they understood that my husband and I are the adults in charge and they will respect that at all times. I asked again if they thought I should be happy and be respected? The answer was "YES". I answered them with O.K. then you all should want to respect and make the most of accecpting him because you love me and understand that your mami deserve to be happy, loved and respected. Bottom line, RESPECT!
Will it be easy all the time, NO it won't but there will be RESPECT PERIOD!
I let all this soak for about a week and then had them come together with my husband as well and talked, ask questions and begin to communicate properly with a "free floor" (no consequences) still with total respect.

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34 14

I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years, although we've had more downs than ups. Things have not worked out well between me and him because we fight a great deal. I have 2 daughters, ages 11 and 10, from a previous relationship. I was never married to their father. We were going to get married, but split up before we did. That was 11 years ago, and we fought over the children (mainly custody) for a long time. My daughters love my husband, their stepfather, but now that their real father and I have gotten closer, and even before then, they often told me they wanted me to get back together with their real father. My youngest does not like that I changed my name to match my husband's when we got married, and wants me to change it back to my maiden name since both of my daughters have my maiden name as their last, not their father's.
They told their father they want me and him back together as well. He is EXTREMELY jealous of my husband and does not try to hide it. He looks at pictures I post of my children on my facebook, but if he sees a picture of my husband, he will close out the page. My daughters have told me their father wants me back. I do love their father which makes things a bit complicated. He is married to a woman he no longer loves and whom my daughters absolutely hate. He has 4 children with his wife, and the 2 older ones take to me more than their own mother. The 2 babies don't know me that well yet, but hopefully in time they will. Whenever my husband and I fight, which I admit is often, and my daughters see it, they will tell him "I hate you!"

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132 14

Being a child who had two different step dad's here is the advice I would give. I was not okay talking to my mom about my issues with my step dad's as she would take issue with what I said and not be objective. It is hard to be objective for sure. I would ask the kids to sit down with a grandparent or trusted friend or Aunte etc and that way they will be able to have a conversation where they don't feel judged or like their mothers is going to get mad at them. Later on the mom can talk to the other adult about the issues and hear their thoughts. Let the kids know this is going to happen so their is no secrets or feel like they have been suckered into anything. The parent then needs to find a way to address their concerns. Kids often have a better understand of the situation then the adult in the relationship as they are not blinded by rose coloured glasses. Both my step dad's were not great guys and if my mom had listened to me she would be better off.

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24 7

As a kid I was in a situation where I had a step father and I hated him. That's strong coming from me as I never hate anyone. My best advice: If the biological father is still in the picture, there will be resentment if the step father tries to act like a father. My biggest problem with my step father was when he tried to act like my father (either in a positive way or trying to boss me around). I already had a dad and I didn't appreciate him trying to act that role.This isn't to say the child shouldn't respect the step parent--my mum always let me know if I overstepped the line in terms of respect and I always felt shameful about it. If there is something the child is doing the step father is not happy about, he is better off informing the mother and letting her deal with it instead of trying to assert his authority; it will lead to much less resentment.

Mostly I just wanted him to let me be; I was happy not to get in his way if he didn't get in mine. I know this doesn't sound like a great solution and it's hardly 'happy families', but for me I don't think we could ever have got to that point no matter what he did (and believe me he tried everything to get in our good books at the start). The problem, especially later, was that he acted very different towards us when our mum wasn't around. I know there are probably much nicer step dads out there and there are kids who get along really well with their step dads, but there was no way to bridge that gap for me.

I think another part of the problem was that mum got together with him so soon after her divorce with my dad. My advice to mums in that instance would be to take things slow and give it time. Allow your kids to first get used to the idea you're not with their father anymore and you won't be getting back together before introducing a new man into their lives.

Talk to your kids and keep communication open so they know they are still valued and you can be aware of any issues they have and you can address them.

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0 0

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1 11

i am in the situation where my children had to adjust to a step dad in their life. they are still very much involved with their real dad as well so at least they dont have to feel like their dad is being replaced, but i have always felt very strongly about the fact that my kids will always be mine, and they will always come first and my 2nd husband was always aware that i have to put their happiness first. at the same time, i feel that if my childrens feelings were unreasonable toward my husband, i would try to straighten out the feelings. sit down with my kids and my husband and explain how things are working and how everyone is together to make things better. if though, my kids felt that my husband didn't treat them well, or unfairly, i would talk to my husband and if these issues couldn't be worked out i would put my kids first, whatever that might take.

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127 0

Well...it's a bit late now. In general I'd say that if the children aren't comfortable with and accepting of the new man, then don't marry him. You have the children; be there for them. Know that eventually it's your turn again. If the man's the right man, he'll respect their childhoods and your commitment to them and wait on the side. If not, you know whose happiness he puts first. I have seen the damage that forcing stepparents on a child can do. Every situation I've seen that's worked out well has begun with the children gravitating towards and embracing the potential stepparent right from go. If it doesn't happen...then I'm sorry. Say goodbye, or till later. They get one childhood, but there are many men in the world. In your case, OP...your boy is old enough that his stepfather can simply back away. Don't force them to have anything to do with each other. If your son can live with his father, I'd recommend that. You write: "Good modelling to children requires that the husband and wife put each other first: if they see their parents doing that, they are more likely to do it themselves and thus perpetuate good modelling of relationships." I believe this is true when the marriage the children came from is intact. When it isn't, it's perverse to give this "good modeling" line, because the children are well aware of having been pushed to the side, and having seen their parents' attention taken from them. I'm a single mom. I expect to stay that way until my daughter is grown. While I do have relationships with men, they're very much on the side, and I wouldn't change that unless it was clear that not only was the man a good fit for living with me, but my daughter embraced and more or less campaigned for the marriage. My job is to bring her up as secure and whole as she can be; afterwards I can go back to pleasing myself.

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