What do I do if I hate my child's boyfriend of girlfriend?

You can have an influence in the choices your children make in choosing a partner, but you can't always decide who they pick. What do you do besides setting a good example?

40  Answers

3 9

If they make your child happy, then that is what matters. Showing or stressing your dislike may only make them closer, and you farther apart. Just be there for them if things don't work out in the end so they know they can always count on you.

13
18 12

When things ended badly, we enumerated the person's faults that we had seen. But a year and a half later, they are friends again. We are just hoping it is short-lived....

4 21

I would give my opinion to my son and leave it at that. I was always told if you give your opinion and leave it alone, your child will eventually heed to your opinion of his or her choice and do the right thing. and also it depends on the kind of life he/she grew up in.

8
28 11

This is a very delicate situation. I haven't been there as a mother, but been there as a daugther. My best advice is to know this guy, give your kid the best advice you can, be sincere about the objective things you see (pro's and con's), and most of all make clear that even if you don't like him is she the one who will have to deal with him in a daily basis for a very looooong time, so she should be very carefull with her picks. If I see something dangerous, then forget about it and I will be involve.

6
3 1

This is a tough one. I hate to say it BUT, I would have a heart to heart w/ your child. I didn't and my son's girlfriend proptly got pregnant after 3 mos of dating and has done everything in her power to cause strife w/in our family. I wish now I had warned my son, now he has to deal w/ all her drama and BS. Even if they don't break up right away little comment do go a long way (without being mean about it). Simply do you two have the same plans for your futures and what do you believe about raising children. Differences there will make them think. Good Luck.

5
0 15

First, before making any judgement, get to know the person. If there are things you wonder about, ask. Don't ask your child. Ask the other person. "I'm really interested in your tattoo. What is the significance of the pelican?" and then, "Why did you decide to have it located on your forehead?" Seriously, we need to first examine what we do not like about this potential partner. If is is only a matter of appearance or a personality clash, it's probably not that important. If they are doing something dangerous or illegal, you really need to act.

3
1 15

My other two daughters and myself are in this situation right now and it's so difficult. The way I'm dealing with this is not saying anything about him to her and not reacting to her negative outbursts because it will make it harder for us. I know she's hormonal because she's five months pregnant with his child and she wants more than anything for him to choose her and be with her, as far as everyone else...they/we can kiss her toosh! She has tried so hard to push him on us and I refuse to change my opinion of him because he is such a bad influence. I feel that the reasons my other daughters and I don't like him are due to the horrible things she has told us about him and how he has treated her...but then he'll worm his way back in to her graces, however, we're still not forgiving/forgetting his choices....IF he's still around in 6 months; IF he gets and holds a job; IF he provides a home for her and the baby; IF he stops going to the bars and calling/waking her up in the middle of the night to come get him; IF he steps up to the plate, then MAYBE our judgment of him will change, but until then, he's the same hell bent gangster wanna-be that I pray my daughter will separate from some day!!

3
1 20

Try and understand why You are feeling this way and deal with it. If You don't
You could loose contact with You'r child. Look at the person from You'r child's
eye's. try and see what He or She see's.

3
0 0

Don't make a big deal out of it. The more you show your discontent the more they will cling.

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74 11

Looks like there is a lot of great advice there . My son never gave me the real opportunity to make any conclusions on this subject when he was away he made his choice, and made it clear it wasn't going to be anyone else. But when I met the girl, it was a wonderful experience and I love her as my own but they are so far away. My younger daughter who is just recently married and expecting our second grandchild later this year, has had many boyfriends, almost all we have met some more than once, and thought we liked several of them, as several did so much to help her. But in the end she made her decision when we weren't there to be able to help her with it, and I am happy with her choice. I can remember growing up with my own choices of bf's. and seeing them for themselves those with habits that I didn't like, yet liked them a bit too much, and was grateful it wasn't a regrettable situation in the long run. I could see the kind of relationship it was becoming and knew from that it wouldn't be a healthy one, so it was an agreeable ending even though it wasn't what I had wanted. There were others too, but they were not as long lasting and the one that might have been didn't work out either. Yet the one I made my decision to stay with, as my husband is still with me after 31 years. So I am most grateful for that. The advice I have seen here is good, though if it hasn't been mentioned already, please pray for the child's future mate, their friendship and their relationship and seek God's guidance for them, if it isn't to be then it probably won't last, if they are the least bit willing to pray together there may be hope for real change under the negative problems. But seek God for guidance in all this because He will help you in this matter, I know HE has helped me !!! Reading the Bible gettting help from various stable reliable ministries is also helpful here too.

2
3 1

If you try to pressure your child into giving up the undesirable-to-you partner (I'll call him or her the "bum" in my reply), of course you will merely be making your child want the bum all the more. The forbidden often becomes more desirable. Also,there's the natural attitude of any child in or past adolescence, "you can't tell ME what to do or who to love,Mom!" The best approach is to invite your child to INCLUDE the bum in your family. Have the bum come over often to dinner with the family (or dinner out,if that is what your family often does), invite the bum to family nights and family trips and activities,a LOT, and always be polite and pleasant to the bum and NEVER EVER EVER say bad things about the bum when the bum is absent. By behaving as if you are accepting of your child's right to choose, you are staying out of the issue and enabing your child to see the bum for what he or she actually IS. Also,if you can convincingly put on an act that you WANT the bum as a child in law,that will often drive your child to DUMP the bum."Something's gotta be WRONG with my partner, Mom actually LOVES him/her!" I know these things work from actual personal experience. And if you can behave this way with all your child's partners,some day the right one for ALL of you will become obvious. You know it's working against the bums when your child comes to YOU to complain about THEM. And when a breakup occurs, be supportive,but,again, don't do the negative talking,leave it to your child.

2
13 0

In our family all relationships affect the whole family. The children were raised knowing this. They got to weigh in on cousins, aunts, uncles and siblings' choices and knew when their turn came the same would happen. They understood that they would be expected to "run the gauntlet" in the family they were potentially marrying into and who they chose would have the same "opportunity" in our family.

My mother wisely told all of her grandchildren, "You never know who your heart will fall in love with, so chose your dates wisely." Our kids didn't casually date. They went on group outings, but the one on one date thing was only for "potential" spouses. Yes, there were a few that we shook our heads at. Yes, there were tears. It was not easy. In the long run, however, four out of five of our children are married, and to people we gave our whole-hearted approval to. Their marriages are supported by the full families involved. Gossip about one another is ill received. The "blame-game" is not played. Their children feel the love and support from both sets of grandparents.

If you dislike your child's dating choice, developing a full and sincere dialog with them is crucial. Is the reason you dislike the person because they bring out something bad or harmful in your child? Or, is the reason you dislike them because you feel they are doing something to you and your relationship with your child?

In one instance where we disliked our child's choice we asked our child why they liked the person? What qualities did the person bring out in our child? What made them a better person for being with them? We then listed some qualities we saw being displayed that were concerning us. We kept it focused on OUR child, not on the other person. We mentioned how our child appeared more anxious when the other person was present or made their presence known (via phone, text or facebook). We asked what that was about? Why would the person they professed to love cause anxiety? Was that a trait that they liked? It wasn't appealing to us and seemed to cause .... (ie: avoidance of other obligations; a withdraw from family; stopped participating in hobbies that they used to enjoy; etc...). We then mentioned qualities that appeared to make our child happier, more able to handle life, and asked if the person they liked/loved was able to sustain that healthier side of our child?

In the end, our child made a decision that was their own. We didn't need to say, "We forbid" or "We hate". They were able to see what we were seeing.

It is not smooth sailing. It does take a lot of effort. But along with the advice my mom gave our children she gave us a piece of advice, "That person is potentially the parent of your grandchildren and my great-grandchildren. God help you, you better help them make a good choice because if they create children together they are in our lives forever." It helped us to see that we wanted someone who brought out the very best in our children (and grand-children) and people they brought out the very best in, as well. Sometimes, the nicest, sweetest, people in the world still aren't the best matches to bring out the best in each other.

1
60 13

Most people don't realize that silence is taken as agreement or approval. Without harping on the subject or nagging him; let him know how you feel and why. Tell him it's his choice but he should at least think about what you are saying. Treat her nice and leave it up to him to make the change. If you insist that he break off with her, it usually makes them defiant and rebellous. Pray a lot the God will show him the truth about here and if you are wrong, that God will show you the truth. Praying he makes the right decision.

1
9 10

I cannot say I have hated any but I have had a pretty strong dislike for at least 1. I have 6 children total, all teenage to young adult. Your child, no matter what age, is the most important. My oldest son died a couple of years ago and his "wife" was the one that I really disliked. Unfortunately for me, she learned of the "dislike" shortly before my son died. She is the Mother of 2 of my Grandchildren that I Love dearly. You have to love and pray for even those that you don't necessarily like. This issue has and still does cause a lot of trouble with my relationship with 2 of my Grandchildren (I used to be very close to). My Son is gone and She is their Mother with all power and control. Sometimes you just have to grin and bear it. In perspective, my own Mother is awesome and has always been there for me, my best friend. She tried to talk me out of marrying my first husband on our wedding day. If only I had listened to her. But, she always was there for me and she always tried to love, pray for, and accept the man I married through it all. (She always kept me close to her heart.) She never judged me or alienated me with hatred for the person that I thought I loved. I had to figure it out for myself as do my/our children.

1
12 11

I keep a particular philosophy in mind when dealing with teenagers, reverse psychology. The more you dislike who they like, it pushes them closer to who you don't like. If you are confident in how you raised your child, you should not worry about their choice. We as parents at that stage is to help guide them, give them choices, and trust them. If you don't pull them apart, then they usually get tired of each other and break it off on their own. I have a teenage daughter and went through both methods.

1
3 7

This hate has absolutely nothing to do with an individuals looks but definately with their behaviour, manerisms, background, beliefs & bad character. With that in mind I ll definately tell my daughter/son what I know or have heard and tell him/her that I dont support their friendship & it should be cut off. After all he/she is my child and I take full responsibility over him/her. If he/she is my child then I expect a positive response, aftero i gave birth to him/her and not the other way round. It pays to listern than to regret afterwards. Sembe siesebenza!

1
13 9

Please let us remove "hate" from our vernacular. Instead, let us appreciate our child's ability to choose a potential partner - whether in love or friendship - and celebrate their capacity to connect with other human beings on levels we may not otherwise be able. These connections are excellent ways to launch discussions around mental, sexual and physical health among other meaningful life lessons. It is our duty to support our children's choices with reasonable guideline to be discussed in plain, clear, respectful language that demonstrates the tolerance and understanding we expect others to show them. Be well.

1
31 22

First of all you NEVER hate anyone...You can dislike them, but not hate...That is such and ugly word...It depends on how old your child is...Get to know them...Give them a chance as long as they aren't trouble...Always be there for your children if things don't work out between them...Don't judge a book by its cover...

1
2 8

My son dated a girl that I did not care for - and I told him. I've always been honest with him about his friends and the girls he's liked. I told him why as well. Eventually, he was able to see what I saw and that relationship didn't last long at all. I've told him his time on this earth is valuable and should be spent with quality and not quantity. I think he's got it now.

1
0 0

My sons girlfriend said some hurtful things to me so as of now she is not allowed near me... my son lives with her she is 8 years older than him (I don't like that at all) and she is constantly nagging him she is very jealous and they fight all the time... I have tried to get along with her but when I heard her putting me down that was the last straw ... now my son is upset because he says if I don't like her it will never work.... my son and I are very close I told him if he wants to stay with her fine but not to bring her around me.... he never seems happy and she is dragging him down... I wish she would take her old self on and leave my son alone.... I don't know what to do I want him to be happy but after the way she disrespected me I cannot welcome her into our family or my home anymore.... HELP!!!

0
0 0

wow, sorry but this is sick! do you also make such a big deal of who your child make friends with all the time or is it just the one they fall in love with? you have raised your child to the point after which they can take care of themselves, and after which you do no longer have a say in their relationships and life and so on. you're there to support when needed. unless you are asked for an advice and unless there's an abuse of somekind there isn't really anything to discuss. as it is very well said in the following article: http://www.drlauraberman.com/relationships/family-life/dislike-sons-girlfriend-q-a, "After all, you wouldn’t like it if your mother-in-law tried to control your husband or spoke badly of you."

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1

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23 0

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9 0

It depends why you don't like them.

If it's a personal preference thing - to toss out a random example, say the kid's got piercings and piercings gross you out - just keep your mouth shut. It's none of your business.

If you don't like them because they're doing something immoral or dangerous, however, you should step in. Talk to your kid about your concerns. See if you can get them on board, or if they don't completely agree, can you come to a compromise that eases your concerns? (For example, if he drinks and drives, will she promise to call you instead of riding home with him?)

If your kid's boyfriend/girlfriend treats *them* badly, you should definitely talk to them. Teach them about domestic violence and their rights in the relationship. It's not always hitting - emotional abuse can be toxic to a relationship as well. Their boyfriend/girlfriend does not get to call them names, or control who they see and how they dress, or things like that. Those can do as much damage, if not more, than actually hitting. (And remember that girls can abuse boys, too!)

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18 2

I actually had this happen. I did not like my daughter's first boyfriend, nor did her dad, or her step-dad. None of us forbid her to see him, but all of us voiced our opinions, and included facts (not only feelings). For a while, she was sad that "her parents were hating on her boyfriend" (her words), but after a month or so, they broke up. And now she's with a boy that we all like and treats her great. She recently stated that she only thought she loved the first boy, but she now sees that she never really did. Had we done anything extreme (like forbidding her from seeing him), I would bet that she'd still be with him behind our backs. Instead, she felt safe to move on when she was ready.

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268 33

there have been two girlfriends i didnt like that my eldest went out with. First one was older than him and def more expereinced in life, and suppose the jealousy was her taking my boy away from me and being more a man. She did have a bit of an attitude. The secoind one was just out to use him for the physical side, i knew she had a few boyfriends. that was short lived relationship thio he was upset when they finished, From a boys pov, i suppose i could understand why he was upset. a girl with long hair boobs and legs

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30 0

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0 0

Exactly! My point!
It has always been like this, if your son marries into low class, they ALWAYS use the CHILDREN against you to manipulate and get their way!

It is not only sad, but pathetic. I have come to just expect it. best thing to do is just not let yourself get close to the children to begin with, for me I am just backing off, I will not allow myself to even try to get close, because I already see the grandchildren game coming.

Not for me, I have raised my kids, and did my best.. now its his turn to learn.. and because he is with low class folks, they do not see or even understand the importance of having both sides of the family there for the children's sake... I can only assume we will hear from them when they need 'something' .. good luck with that. I'm just sorry my son chose to go with low class trash. I thought that he was better than that.

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7 25

my parents didn't like several of my boyfriend and told me then kept on telling me they even tried to ban me from seeing them which just made me see them for long after i would have my suggestion is to just let them know your opinion and then let them know that you will support their relationship as long as they are happy and offer a support system to them if they have worries

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16 24

I will tell you the truth about the mistake and blessing I made with both girls. The first daughter I forced her not to see the boy; which only made her want to see him more. The second daughter I trusted her to make the right decision and she always did.

I would set up some boundaries and stick to them. I tell you the truth, that its really all in God's hand and as much as we try to control the situation we can't.

The closer she is too you the easiest it will be for her to notice what you see.

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0 0

At the present time, I'm a bit in that same situation. I do not in anyway hate nor do I make use of that word. I dislike the motive behind the situation and I plan to talk with my family member this coming week. I'm on the outside looking in and I disapprove with what I see that I know he doesn't see. I know he will accept my point of view, but I don't know if he will agree with it. He's young and is trying very hard to make a life with someone who I know will destroy it in the end. Other members of the family see the same thing. I'm not one to involve myself into family matters, but when I see an accident coming, I will try to avoid it~same means.

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0 14

I'm currently going through this right now. I always liked my sons GF but have been very specktical about her. Last year when they attend different high school, my son was doing average. When he told me she was going to be attending his HS this year I raised the bar of expectations and told him any distractions would end the relationship. He kept his end and has done very well academically. But unfortunately this past weekend she tried to control him and when she didn't get her way she humiliated him on Facebook. I called her on it and told her to stay away. My son was upset with me but understood that I was protecting him. Now she wants to get back together with him and I am not allowing it and now he's made the comment that I'm trying to control him like she did. I'm torn with this one.

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2 8

My son normally asks me what I think of some of the girls he likes or is dating. He also knows he can either take my opinion or not, ultimately the decision is up to him, I don't have to like her...& if she is able to make my son happy then it's good enough for me!

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2 14

That's how it is with my daughters and I, they always ask me what I think about the person but make their own decision knowing they are the ones who have to live with the person. And I have always tried to teach my daughters that anyone they become involved with should Respect them for without Respect Love is just infatuation. As a rule I'm an accepting person; however, if my daughters are in any danger from a relationship I WILL MOST CERTAINLY INTERVENE!

0 5

Get to know your child's significant other; have him over for dinner, learn more about him, meet his family. Get involved. Offer advice. Talk to her about sex and how she can protect herself. Let her know you're on her side no matter what. For every negative, give a positive. Offer stories about other people's relationships, but make no direct comparisons. Do your best to stay neutral.Tell her that you trust her to make good decisions, even if you're having doubts; she'll at least consider that when decision-making time rolls around. Guilt goes a long way. :) And make sure she understands that all actions have consequences, some good, some bad.

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2 0

First of all never let your son/daughter know you have this strong dislike for this person,you looking for a battle you already lost (it can be about you judging of their chooses)get to know the person (find some good things)what interested your child about this person ,what is it that your child is looking for or is liken that draws them to this kind of person? what about you do have some issues with the kind of person,personal ask yourself .every relation is a part of life maturing .If you are praying mom pray for wisdom for you child.Be there for them and never tell them you told them so,let them have their on mistakes.praying for you

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6 1

I myself have always used reverse psychology in this case. I invite the child over and get to know them and their interests and their interests in my child. By opening your home to them and making them feel welcome, you have created an environment for the children to be together under your close supervision without them being any the wiser. Plus, it really makes your kid mad that you like their bf/gf and want to hang out with them!

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2 14

unless you wanna loose your kid you say nothing....youre so nice to the other half that your child has nothing to complain about then (shine a light to the devil)...when it all goes pear shaped you simply say ...i never liked your partner because....but i love you enough to stand back & let you find out for yourself...the ONLY time you interfere is if there is violence....a 12 bore normally sorts that out :) if you try n steer your child away chances are they will rebel just to prove you wrong....im always nice to my daughters boyfriends just nicer to the one i really like...

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5 6

why do you hate your child's bf/gf? whats the reason? then talk to your child explain.. communication is always ways to understand each other.. don't forget that your opinion maybe different from your child. just be there for your child and support whatever it is....and its true you cant choose for your child.. when you were like your childs age did your parents choose the man for you? there are lots of things to consider and think about..besides negative feelings just give you bad decision..try to look at the positive side of it..like this person can make your child happy..just be there for your child and help her to understand your point..if your reason is good enough maybe sooner your child can see it and he/she will end up the relationship...just try not to be the villain try to be the friend.

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6 18

I agree with Melissa. Most times the person your child dates is only temporary and chances are they will move on. If you make a big deal about their choice, they might feel you don't trust them and that could get ugly.
Just be there if they need you if and when it is over

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3 17

just pray and god to hold her and love her, you can't pick who your child love.

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3 35

sometimes all you can do is just be there for her and if you dont like him and she knows it it could push her closer to him my best friend always stay with the guys her parents hated but for some reason when she got a guy they loved it was over so fast ? good luck

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1 2

Well I think you should be polite and accept them for your child because in the end your child is the one that has to make the choice as to wether this person is good or bad for them. It is very hard for a parent to sit back and possible what someone hurt their child but sometime you have to have the tough love to do that because that is the only way a child learns is be trial and error. And all you can really do is be there for your child and guide them the best you can.

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