What do I do when a dad wants to return?
It can be incredibly hard for a mom to raise a child without any support from the father. But it may be harder to have the father return after a long absence. What would you suggest a mom do if the father of her children has been absent, but now wants to return to their lives?
It's not about what he wants. He's already demonstrated that his wants came first, hence he abandoned you and the children in the first place. It's about what you, the mother wants, PERIOD. There is nothing sacred in a marriage that the husband abandoned, so to use that term as a reason after he showed he can break his vows is a set-up to again be abandoned. What is sacred is the well being of you, the parent that has been left to soothe the broken heart of the abandoned child(ren). What is sacred is the strength you, the mother has demonstrated to the children to carry the weight of it. Don't abandon yourself. There is nothing sacred about a man who abandons his children.
in my opinion i grew up with out a dad and it sucks and all these people are wrong its not about what YOU want its about what your children NEED and children need their father. He made a very stupid misstake in leaving you guys and you should tell him he needs to help out with money for the children before he comes back and start out slow like letting him see them once every 2 weeks but take it from me I always wanted to know my dad no matter what. As long as he is not into illegal things it is best for your babies to get to know their dad.
Been there, done that!
My daughter, who is now 25, father bailed out when I was almost 3 months pregnant. I let his family know the baby was on it's way and I continued on with my life. His brothers were given pictures and often visited their niece but dad was a no show. He had another child a year after my daughter was born and he was an active participant in his life. He never told his MOTHER he had another child (my daughter was about to turn 5) even though I told her in person and the information came out over thanksgiving dinner when everyone was assembled. I know this information because I was still friends with the brothers.
After 5 years He shows up (he has NEVER seen or supported her) stating he wants to see his daughter. I laughed so hard I almost cried...........was he serious! It was 3 months before I agreed to let him meet her. My daughter took to him and he was great with her. She met her half brother, grand-mom and cousins for the first time. She was excited to have an extended family (my family was very small)and they were excited to meet her.
Dads presence was short lived and unstable because he kept going to jail. I was always honest with my daughter about her father but NEVER spoke ill of him (she would realize it eventually). The great thing that came from meeting him was the family she gained. My daughter is very close with the other side of her family and so am I. The inconsistent nature of her father has developed into the two of them having a NON-RELATIONSHIP. My daughter does not care about him at all because he has had no major impact on her life. His absence has caused him to not see his first grandchild.
1. if the dad is a jack ass the kids will know it.
2. If dad is not respecting your feelings about his return pray about it and do what feels right for your family.
3. You are going to have to be the strong one when dad breaks your childs heart (he will).
4. Fortify your child with the knowledge that YOU will always be there to love and protect them. 5.Don't respond to the father with anger because it weakens your position (dont open up for the Jedi mind trick).
6.Don't try to influence your child to like or dislike their dad, let the relationship develop on its own
7. YOUR KIDS ARE SMART, YOU HAVE DONE WELL, DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THEM!
I think it would depend on the situation. My son is eight and a half and hasn't seen his father since he was 18 months. In his case, I would tell him to go to hell and never come back...that's the emotional side of me. The logical side of me would really have to ponder the situation.
To be honest, it's not as if he has been living the most upstanding model of a lifestyle, so I think even logically I would defer to my emotional answer...
My daughter was 17 when my grandson was born. The father said he wanted to be involved, so he was given the chance. That lasted about 6 months. Then he married his on-again-off-again girlfriend and disappeared. He did Basic Training and got home from that around the time my grandson was a year old. For 3 months or so, we mucked around with him & the new wife having visits a couple times a week. (Mind you...all this time, there was no child support coming in. He's not even on the birth certificate.) Then around the time my grandson was 15 months old, the visits just stopped. (We found out later this was about the time the wife got pregnant herself.)
FOR TWO YEARS there wasn't a word. Then the dad and his wife separated. He contacted my daughter, who let him come visit a few times (with the provision that he was never to be referred to as Daddy, but just as Mommy's friend). The visits lasted 6 weeks or so, and then he was gone again.
My grandson will be 5 next month. His dad has been around MAYBE for a year of that, if you total it all. My daughter has tried letting him return - more than once - and he always bugs out again. Besides this, he has other traits/ habits that she just doesn't want influencing her son.
All of this is to explain her current absolute hardline philosophy of "NOT ON YOUR LIFE!" if he should try to come back again. While he's been schlepping around, living off of one relative after another, having one short-term job after another (not temp, but short-term, as in he gets mad and quits), she has established a stable home of her own and will finish college at the end of this semester. My grandson doesn't "miss" his father, because he's never had one. I'm sure some day he'll realize that there is someone out there who bears the label "father," and I pray that we're able to have the answers he needs when that time comes. But for now...no. The father doesn't get to come back.
I am a single mother with 2 kids, they haven't seen their father since last January, and now he is returning in the next couple of weeks. The kids are 14 and 11 yrs old and they have been so settled and happy without him despite the fact that they love him and miss him. The have been in touch by text and phone calls. They don't know whether to be happy or excited or scared and anxious at his return. I think they have a mixture of all these emotions. It is heartbreaking to see them so confused. I believe that children should know and love both parents and have both parents involved in their lives and I have continually tried to reassure them that their father really does love them and miss them. I have helped him to try to settle in the nearby town but he has thrown it back in my face twice now. So in a couple of weeks we start the whole process again and it is so unsettling for me and the kids. So in answer to the above question, all situations are different, so therefore all answers will also be different. However, I think the mother who has been left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts and lives is the one to make the decision as to what is best......best for the KIDS that is. That is the key here, the children are the priority. I try to avoid the kids filling their hearts with all the negative emotions that are associated with this truly awful situation, because that doesn't do anyone any good least of all themselves. Good wishes and lots of love and joy to all the single mothers out there, WE ARE ALL DOING A GREAT JOB!!!!
Wow! Tough question! and even tougher situation to live. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to be a single parent, especially when the father (or mother) is estranged. I've watched (and supported) my sister in this situation and a few of my close mom friends. When you're not a single parent, it's SO easy to sit back and judge and criticize and cast shame and blame on them as if they somehow deserve their circumstances. Single dads are often praised while single moms are so often the subject of scandal or pushed around and shamed. It's incredibly tough to be a single parent and a BIG part of what makes it so tough is this: (1) being lonely and overwhelmed and (2) dealing with all the issues that can arise for your child(ren) from the estrangement/abandonment. Every situation is different and some can be incredibly complicated and some can even be dangerous so when the estranged parent tries to return and thinks he just has free access and ability to reconnect and parent as he pleases, there are a number of things to keep in mind. First and foremost, everything should revolve around what is best for the child(ren). Sometimes single parents have so much pain and damage that they've pushed and pushed down for so long to be able to take care of their child(ren) solo without time for themselves to heal comes rushing back and it's EASY to refuse because it's too hard or because you want to make someone else hurt as bad as you do but that's why you should never try to do this alone. Establishing a relationship with a biological parent, no matter how long it's been, is always a good thing SO LONG AS IT IS SAFE but you need help and you need to have VERY strict rules. Sometimes the easiest thing is to get help that is legal in nature just so there is a 3rd party. I would suggest that the returning parent have to really earn privileges and that time with his child(ren) starts slow and is supervised for quite some time. I would also suggest that the child(ren) have some say in the whole thing. Children should NEVER be forced to reconnect or connect with a stranger without plenty of opportunities to understand what is happening, to talk through it, to be prepared and to set the pace. In other words, a single mom can't let her own desire to hurt an ex cloud her ability to do what is best for her child(ren) in the long run BUT she also can't be expected to allow or force her child(ren) to DO ANYTHING that is unsafe or that they aren't ready for. The single parent should also seek support in whatever form possible - family, friends, group therapy...... and should strongly consider family support as well.
If mom has to decide at birth whether she's in or out, so does dad. If he chose out, well then that's his consequence to suffer. I would not want someone that selfish in my child's life.
I must say, I love this blog/website THESE ARE ?'S I ASK MYSELF ALL OF THE TIME! THANK YOU!!!!
I am open to any suggestions you have because I am struggling with this same thing. Although my husband and I are in the middle of a seperation and divorce he has not wanted anything to do with our daughter until he got with a new woman. He now has her convinced he is the father of the year.
Hi there. I had a wise friend and I was having a hard time with my ex-husband. We would break up and get back together and get back together and so and so on.... So anyways I was really not sure what to do because I had a baby and i really didn't want to be a divorced mom. SO this is what my friend said to me, When you take your trash out to the curb and leave it there to be taken away, would you get that same trash bag and bring it back inside to open the garbage bag and start putting the trash back in your fridge and on your table? Of course I answered no and she told me then why would you consider taking him back? If you put him out to the curb so he can move on and you can do the same why would add drama in your life and bring your bag back in the house? I guess it was a weird comparison, but I am sure you understand what I am trying to say. And remember that we as moms have to put our kids before our own sometimes. You need to show your child or children what a strong person looks like and as far as the dad, take things slow if that is what your thinking. Go on dates and take it slow. Until your sure it is going to work again. The worst thing is to get your children's hopes up and everything with you and your partner goes south and then your kids will be hurt all over again. Hey girlfriend, been there done that and got the t-shirt. I hope this helps. I guess just let me know if this helps, ok? Caroline
Firstly I would implore you to consider all aspects of the safety of your child(ren). A) is it SAFE for them to be alone with him? B) Do they even KNOW him? C) What is the potential psycological ramifications of their re-acquaintance? If the answer to ANY of these is YES, then you have every right, and it is your JOB to keep them SAFE first. Now with that said, I have had the same or similar experience....and it was ugly. I feel that the only reason my son's father came back around after a 10 month absence/abandonment (at the time of 12 months that my son was alive) was not because he truly wanted to be an involved loving parent, but rather that he wanted to satisfy HIS OWN GUILT. Because whenever anyone would ask about my son, he would feel guilty. Yet I did not, and DO not get child support. He continually is "between jobs" or "HIS life is on the verge of collapse". How easy will it be for him to yet again, abandon you and your family. The kids dont need that and its damaging to them for a lifetime. And if there is not a current court order in place, it would be my instinct to not allow it if possible. If its not possible, then he needs to prove to you beyond a doubt that his motives are pure, he is a GOOD role model, and is financially responsible by paying his support. If he cares he will be willing and understand and will do all those things willfully. Then, and only then would I allow visits and they would be two hours at a time and SUPERVISED! By you if possible. If not then by a court appointed advocate.
How old is your daughter, and how long have you been raising her without his support? You have to be careful of peoples' motives nowadays, and make decisions in the best interest of the child, not yourself or how you feel. If he wants to be part of her life, I think that's wonderful. But at the same time, he should be helping you out financially. That's what a GOOD father would do, even if you get divorced. If you go through with the divorce, make sure you get child support......too many deadbeat Dads out there. That little girl is his responsibility too! Good luck!
I'm in a similar situation. What can I REALLY do? I am remarried to a wonderful man who has become the father to the two sons I brought into our family. They call him dad and have a wonderful relationship. Our family is so happy and the kids finally have the father they deserve! When they were around the sperm donor, they were in fear constantly and felt unwanted. He finally disappeared for about a year and a half, and now that the kids are finally happy and secure in their family with their REAL father, the sperm donor decides to show up at their school to see them. He hasn't called, or texted or made ANY attempts to even find out if they are alive for almost a year and a half and now he shows up at school? He wasn't allowed to because he wasn't on the emergency cards, but I am so scared that he is going to try and get his fix of the kids just to hurt and abandon them all over again! What do I do? That man is so unhealthy for our boys and I am so scared that he will hurt their progress and just hurt their hearts all over again!!!! What do I do?
I am in this situation now. I have never been one to agree with someone take always someone else's rights...... However if taking away his rights or not letting him see your children is what is best and safest for your child then it is your responsibility as a parent to protect that child at all cost!!!!!!
The father of my two sons walked out of our lifes when my sons ages where 5 and 3 didnt even pay any child support.Went and found another women stayed with her had more kids.Now my younger son turns 18 a few days after my aunt recieves a phone call and yes it was the dead beat father asking if she knew where his kids where.My aunt went ahead and gave him my number and he called me and the first words coming out of his mouth was am I a grandpa yet,can you believe it,I laugh and said how in the hell can you be a grandpa when you was never a father. And like one of the moms said,let your children deside.I told my youngest son first your father called he wants to know if he can see you ,my son said,"dose he have any money" I wanted to laugh but I told him stop that he said well he isnt good for nothing else. Later I spoke to my older son and he said okay I like to see him because I like to whip his ass for being a dead beat loser. two days later I heard both of them talking and they came to me and told me that he was dead in there book and not to talk to him again. So he called a few days later wanting to know what the boys said.I just told hi they said no ,he went to has far has to askk why cant they forgive. I told him I cant answer that question because its them who you hurt and missed out your lost buddy and hanged the phone ,that happend 10 years ago they dont ever talk about it. So my advice to mothers be honest with your kids to lie.The truth always comes out.,I kept my home phone listed all those years just so he didnt have any kind of exuses . To all moms dont beg a man to raise his kids it should be out of his heart,if he dont he dosnt love them.A mother or father will not stop searching for there kids they will go to the end of the earth if they love them.I dont believe in making a man or women to care and support there children they brought into this world. Those are the scum of the earth.
Dont let him back... He just validated that he can abandon and abuse and then return so the cycle will continue. Rarely have you seen a transformation of conciousness withthin a person who can emotionally blow a child, nevertheless their own.
Tread very carefully. Depending on the length of absence, and whether kids even remember him (and hopefully remember him favorably)... I would start with photos, emails, and such to try to ensure he's back and healthy to have around. Maybe not tell the kids he's back yet. If he shows himself to be sincere "long distance", then maybe a talk with the kids about him wanting to come back and see how they feel (if they are old enough). If they don't want him around, I would explain to him that they aren't ready but don't give up on them. Maybe they will come around. If they do want him around, then try some phone calls between them - maybe speaker phone so you can make sure conversations go well. If they get along after several phone calls, then a day at the park WITH you there (but maybe not hovering, just supervising). After that several times, THEN, if everyone seems ready, maybe a day at the park WITHOUT you. Again, if all goes well, then you can progress to maybe a day with him that's more loosely scheduled. Maybe an overnight... Just depends on how everything goes and what the KIDS WANT and what you are COMFORTABLE with. But, it does mean, you have to be a grown up in the situation. Just make sure the kids are safe (emotionally and physically) and let all other feelings be for a girl's night out, a glass of wine (or several) and a lot of bitching. I've been through this. He left again, but mostly my son wasn't ready (he told me he wasn't). I told the father to give him time and maybe he'll come around one day. The father has an open door if my son wants it, but my son hasn't taken it - it's been years. I think, maybe, he might try once more with his father as he reaches manhood (he's 16 now). If his father "blows it" again in his eyes, I think that will be the end of it all. His stepfather adopted him when he was 7 so he has all the choices in this relationship. That helps a lot. But my friend, her boys have not been adopted by their stepfather (it's been discussed) and their father is back and absolutely NOTHING but a destructive force in the boys' lives. He seems to LIKE it that way. This is not a man or situation to follow the above steps! ONLY if you know your kids may benefit from the relationship and there is sincerity all around. :) I will say, it takes a TOUGH MOMMA to be able to do all of this gracefully. I wasn't always as graceful as it may sound in this post! I cried a lot and really tried not to in front of my son. Sometimes it was unavoidable. Like after one phone call with his father, my son said he thinks he wants to call him Dad. I broke down. Right then and there. I hope anyone who goes through this has more grace than I did at times!!
I have two children. Both of their dads were not very involved. My daughters dad was in prison for most of her young life. he got out and was a part of her life for two years before he chose drugs over her. He now wants to be a part of her life again, and I am willing. Kids need their dads...But ultimately I have left the decision up to her. She is 13 and can decide for herself if she wants to open her heart to him. I try not to push her, but I do tell her you never know....my son's father was not in his life until he was 3. He tried to be involved and then was killed not long after he became a part of his life. Life is short. I don't want my daughter to have an regrets that she at least tried. if he chooses to be absent again, or if anything tragic were to happen (like with my son's father) at least she will have known him and have no regrets. It isn't about me at this point. it's about my kids. And all I want is what is best for them.
I used to hope for this...now I feel like fleeing the country! It's always mixed feelings because your baby deserves the best- but the guy is a total jerk.
I am humbled by reading the many challenges other men and women are faceing with their marriage life,having problems with their spouse as I am on day eleven of The love spell i cast on my woman which i ordered from the email@example.com the spell really make me feel reliefe as i am now happy with my marriage,anything i say now she believes me eventhough i lied she believed me than ever. God has continued to give me strength each day as I go on this marriage journey and I want everyone who reads this to know I lift you up to your faith.never to loose hope take a chance and tell the firstname.lastname@example.org your problems this will give you daily encouragement,so do not sit down and think all hope is lost,do something to make the spirit proud of you,win back your relationship. May the spirit bless each of you courageous enough to win back your relationship.
My daughter is three... her father left when I was 6 months pregnant after he had sexually assaulted me and I didn't hear from him until after she was born. A nasty court battle ensued as I filed for sole custody and child support. He left his well paying job and attempted to reduce child support to next to nothing. In the year after her birth he spent 10 hours with her and then moved to the other side of Canada. The courts ordered sole custody, full child support, and reasonable visitation (including web cam sessions every 2 weeks). In the past three years this man and his mother come and spend on average 15 hours with my daughter in my company at their request. When she gets overtired, as she often does, as they usually jam pack the visit and overtire her... they leave her crying with me and get in their car and wave as they drive off. In between these annual visits there is absolutely no personal contact between my daughter and her father. When I approached him during one of the visits to ask him to consider her wellbeing he told me it didn't matter if she was overtired as it would only be for a few days. Today he called and told me that he wants to return to my daughter's life... I'm not opposed to it completely but would like to reintroduce them cautiously as I have no faith that if things don't go his way he'll bail on her. At some points I've even considered challenging his parental rights as he's an absent father .... no phone calls, no court-ordered web cam sessions, nothing but a 4 - 5 day visit once a year where he and his mother want to run her into the ground. We're on day 4 today and my daughter fell asleep while I was bathing her before the outing this morning. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation?
my daughter is 4 months old. i married her father over a year ago . we knew eachother for only a few weeks.. i admit it was the biggest mistake of my life. we faught all the time after wards,, he was always talking to other girls i mean girls 14 thru 17... he was 18... i was 21.. he and i broke up due to all the drama he decided to maove 16 hours away. he knew i was prego.. after all of this i got back with my other twos dad and have been back with him since then... (my marrage and relationship with the 18 yr old was like my rebound i guess) he then ignored my pregnance and everything and ended up in jail i guess where he moved to and now is back around this area and wants to go to court for custody issues.. does he even have a chance.. i mean he hasnt ever even seen her.. he only writes to me to tell me about whas up.. never asks about her never trys to c her or anything just thretens to take me to court for dna or something,, we still r not divorced what do i do
??? hes only been back for about three weeks has a new girls friend and a job(he never keeps one itll last for a few weeks)... he lives with his mom which her house is soo nasty n=and smelly... they have lots of pets in a three bedroom apartment.. three dogs four cats fish a rat and birds.. they potty everywhere no one clease theyre even aloud to eat out of ur bowls while ur eatting it.. i mean hes not stable or clean or anything.. what would u do?
My son, just turned 16 and after a 10 year absence his father wants to re-establish contact and move from one state to the state we are living in so he can be a "dad". I really need advise!
Backstory: His father I were married 10 years, because of his continued addictive and rage behaviors I divorced and moved 2500 miles away. Even during the time we were married we didn't live together more than four of the ten years. In the divorce proceedings I made some very strong stipulations protecting my son from his father. The stipulations included the following; 1 year of clean UA's, 1 plus year of clean time, 1 year of outpatient recovery, 1 year of living on his own without the support off his "mommy", complete parenting classes, 1 or more years of behavioral therapy to deal with his PTSD (Vietnam Vet) all these terms MUST be met prior to any contact. The judge was surprised and proud of me for making all these stipulations, the judge commented to me I really care and know what is best for my son. I was awarded full custody. No child support was ordered because he was living on the streets by the time the divorce was finalized.
Over the last six years I we have worked really hard to establish a healthy and happy life. My son, had not had any real male role models in his life and we are paying the price now. My son struggles to keep friends and feels very awkward in social situations. He is currently in therapy and is learning new tools to make him a stronger individual. During this time, when he ask about his father I am very careful not to make a negative statement. I want my son to develop his own thoughts and process his feelings. I would just tell him what I knew, and that is I do not know where he is and I just can pray he as found piece and sobriety. For the most part that would satisfy him.
Now present day; he calls us about six weeks ago and tells us where and what he has been doing. Told us that he was in a coma for six months and was finally clean. That he has nine months of clean time. He has been working with the VA to get his life moving in the right directions. After about 30 minutes on the phone I made the decision to let him speak to my son. I handed over the phone and walked away so my son could have some privacy. About 45 minutes later my son comes out of his room with the biggest smile I have seen in a long time. I asked him if he would like to discuss or if he had any questions. We proceeded to talk about what was said.
Then two weeks later all communication stopped because my son, had a mental breakdown (not because of his dad) but because of the serious problems we were having with bullies at his school. When I communicated this to his father he flipped a switch, and starting to blame me and tell me that if I had not moved away none of this would have happened.
Then yesterday out of nowhere he calls us again to tell us that he relapsed and was inpatient getting the treatment he needs. I told him that I am glad he is in treatment but because of my court ordered stipulations I do not want any further contact. He then proceeded to text my son on his phone and threw blame at me. So now, needless to say, my son is HEARTBROKEN and very confused. Today on his facebook page he writes "Why now? Why after all these years? He was never there for me when I needed him as a child, I am only two years away from becoming an adult"
My heart is breaking for him, I really tried to keep him safe and my one major worry is now coming true.
We need advise on how to proceed. Any members willing to offer suggestions we are here to read.
We will bring all this up in his next therapy appointment but I want input from other mothers.
Thank you for reading our story.
Legally, the Mom would have to let the father have visitation, unless it was proven detrimental to the children, regardless if he has paid child support. As far as the Mom just letting him back into their daily life, that's a decision she has to make. If he walked once, he may again. It would depend on the reasoning for his abandonment.. On the bright side, if he has returned the mom should be able to get a child support order and enforce it. If it's a viable situation where he wants visitation and you don't want him to have it then there is mediation and/or supervised visitation. Most men despise supervised visitation with someone watching their every move with the children. If they really care about their child they will agree to it. In a day and age where this situation is happening everyday, it's time to reflect on why it's happening. Women need to make better choices. But the most important thing is the children. I never talked bad about my ex, and I went back to court and got my child support raised. I made sure he had to take the boys every other weekend and I lived over and hour and a half away. He got tired of the drive and got tired of the child support. Within 8 months he signed adoption papers to my now husband. When the boys were grown, they tried to have a relationship with their biological father and it fell flat within 6 months. They came back to me and told me I was the best mother for getting rid of him. It's not about the mom, it's about the children.
My thoughts are no, don't allow it. You want a father figure for your child(ren) to be stable and there on a consistent basis. You shouldn't have to worry about him skipping out on you when things get hard, and it would be much harder to have to explain why "daddy" keeps showing up and leaving then if he was never there at all. When you find "the one," he can take the place of daddy and they can know that one as daddy, not the one who comes in and out of their life. It's just now right to toy with their young emotions.
If Dad is willing to go through the process of setting legal terms, setting up child support, setting up visitation and such, THEN and only then would I slowly and cautiously introduce him into my child's life. Someone who disappears for prolonged periods HAS to have some kind of accountability and he clearly can't be counted on to provide it himself. But if he is willing to jump through the hoops and be financially dependable then he has the best of intentions and wants to make a full-time commitment. At that point you owe it to your child to have a father, no matter how you feel about him.
The correct answer, whether anybody would do it or not, is to welcome him back into the child's life. Remember the Prodigal Son? This is God's example to us for how to handle situations like this. It's really easiest to figure out, if you put YOURSELF in the position of the other parent. So then the question would sound like this...What should a father do when a mother who has been absent for a long time, wants to return? Now pretend you're the mother...how would YOU want to be treated? Would you want the door slammed in your face? Would you want to be yelled at, belittled, put down? Would you want to hear "Go to HELL!"? Or would you want to have the police called on you? How about if he said "Oh look, it's your long lost mother...wonder how long she'll stick around this time, a week?" No, you wouldn't want to be treated like this, right? You would want the father to extend grace to you, reach down and pick up your precious little one and say "Look Sweetheart, Mommy's here! Give her a big hug!" and then put that child in your arms. It's hard to get along with someone you once shared life with...period. Nobody said life would be easy, and we all have different choices to make. Making the right choice is sometimes the hardest...anger, bitterness, hatred get in the way. But you CAN'T model this for your child(ren), not if you really care about them, not if you really love them. Look at your child as the one whose father has returned finally, the one she missed, the one she was confused about, the one she had hope would someday return. Support your child's feelings about the situation, instead of influencing your child with YOURS...If safety is a concern then invite the father to stay awhile and visit/play. When it's time for him to leave, tell him he can come again (and then if it happens, invite him in once again). If he gets to the point that he wants to take the child out, then include yourself and go along...happily, and with a humble attitude. Remember this? "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." Interpretation...if YOU yourself ever make mistakes, make bad choices, do the wrong thing...put down your stone (your haughty attitude). Basically, if you are perfect, go ahead, throw the stone!
We go through this periodically. My ex disappears for long periods and then shows back up demanding "his time." Since the decree gives him standard visitation, he is entitled to his time, and there isn't much that I can do without goihg back to court. So I play this "to litigate or not to litigate" game all of the time with myself. I try to take cues from my kids. If they are okay with it, then I am okay with it. I remind them that he loves them the best that he can. It isn't the best, but as long as its enough for them, then its enough.
A friend sopke up in court against her father when she was 11 and resented her mother for a long time over being in that position. That plays in the back of my mind alot. So unless I see real danger, I leave it up to them.
Things are starting to change. He recently found a new girlfriend and wants to play family. The boys are now 13 and 14 and it isn't as fun to go on his new adventures with him. They want to be with their friends in their normal life, not once again pretending to love a new life.
So here I am back on my favorite litigate or not game show. Only this time, I am seeking the guidance of a counselor for the boys and an attorney for me. Just to know what is the best course of action, if any.
The key question here is HOW LONG DOES HE PLAN TO STAY? Because if he is going to continue to walk in and out of the child's life that does not promote healthy trust issues for the child. If they plan to stay for good, there should be some guidelines and small play dates at the house or "as a family" never just give him all the rights like he was there all the time, because it would be very awkward. For an example.. set up a date and time a few times a week ( Monday 8-?) at the house or wherever and tell your child "Daddy MAY be here later" and if the father remains consistant then work on some family building and long term arrangements. I grew up with out a father and it would annoy the hell out of my and was a big let down , when I was told my father was coming and he would bail.
My son's story. Dad and i split up when he was 5 mths. He saw him twice after this with the last time being when he was 16mths old. He called maybe once a year maybe twice and most of the time never even asked to speak to our son. Our son has always asked about dad and asked why he doesn't see him. That breaks a mother's heart. I always said he loves him very much but is busy. Well our son is almost six now. His dad called wanting to see him. I said yes but with supervision and its court ordered that way to. Our son has severe allergies to many foods, asthma, sleep apnea and needs meds daily to keep him from the hospital. His dad refused, saying that he was not wasting time or money to see our son if he could not have him all weekend by himself. There was no way that I could allow that type of vist when Dad has no idea how to do the meds, what to feed him, and not to mention the fact that our son has not been around him since he was a baby. Listen, every kid needs both parents. They also need two stable parents. You also have to protect your child to. With my son I want the dad to be a part of his life . The only problem is he feels he can have our son right off after not being a part of his life. Our son deserves to be safe and secure. Yes he is the dad but he has not been acting like it and needs to get a relationship and learn how to take care of our child before a weekend away can happen. I hope for my son's sake his dad wakes up and sees our son soon .
First of all, it's not about either one of you, its about the child. I hate it when parents make it about them. It's not. Get over yourself.
If he wants to come back, let him. Talk to your child, depending on their age, and say "someone wants to meet you/see you" and make it a suprise. If they have never met their father say "this is your daddy" when you introduce them, or just let them play. If they have met, don't say anthing. I wouldn't talk about it first, just from my own experience of hearts getting broken when it doesn't actually happen, just make it be a suprise.
I think a court order should be made before any time is spent with the child just to protect your rights. However, let him have to answer to his child as to why he wasn't there and don't add to YOU having to explain to your child why you kept them from their parent.
I believe in the long run that its best for a child to have both parents in their lives. I know its not fair that you had to to raise your child on your own but please don''t make your decision based on anger or anything like that, not saying that you are though ;) Ive known people who didn't let the father of their children in their lives because of anger and some because the fathers really were unsafe people. As long as he's not going to hurt them or anything I would let him see the kids.
I say, if you feel your child is old enough or responsible enough to make the decision, let them.
I am in that situation. My son is 11, and his father has not been in contact since he was just 5. He called and expected me to just allow him to start communication again after all of this time. What I did was leave it to my son to make his own decision. He said no phone calls, but his dad could write him a letter (which he did). My son read the letter, crumpled it up, threw it across the room, and walked away. I knew then he had made the decision to keep things the way they have been for so long. When I asked him why he did it, he said because the letter seemed too fake and his dad was trying too hard. That's the last we have talked about it. I did tell him that it will continue to be his decision though.
And before any people out there think I am wrong for not forcing the relationship...My sons father is/was a heroin addict, an abuser, criminal (stole our tv and jewelry and pawned it and stole my checkbook and emptied my account) and an all around not-nice person. We are better off for not having him involved, because he has not changed one bit since the day I left him.
I say, if you feel your child is old enough or responsible enough to make the decision, let them.
my childs dad and i were never married he has no parental rites he walked out wen she was 9mths old hasnt saw her since and now ive got letter from solicitor saying he wants to see child surely he cant do this after 9 long years help im at my wits end with worry
This can be a very tricky situation. I would contact a lawyer and a child psychologist and get a consultation with each of them. I would allow supervised visitation if the father is trustworthy and has never been abusive, as long as the father is willing to pay for and go to counseling with you and the children on a regular basis. Otherwise, I would not allow him back into their lives except through a court order- one which included family counseling. This father must NOT treat his children like objects to be taken out and played with as he wishes and then just put back on the shelf for long periods of time. Ave is right. There is nothing to be gained by your children if the father upsets the woman who picked up the pieces of her and her children's hearts and mended them with strength and love when the father took off. He would have to earn his way back by proving his motives are good OVER A GOOD, LONG TIME, before I would let him near your precious children!
Therapy, Therapy, Therapy!!