What do I do when a dad wants to return?

It can be incredibly hard for a mom to raise a child without any support from the father. But it may be harder to have the father return after a long absence. What would you suggest a mom do if the father of her children has been absent, but now wants to return to their lives?

40  Answers

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It's not about what he wants. He's already demonstrated that his wants came first, hence he abandoned you and the children in the first place. It's about what you, the mother wants, PERIOD. There is nothing sacred in a marriage that the husband abandoned, so to use that term as a reason after he showed he can break his vows is a set-up to again be abandoned. What is sacred is the well being of you, the parent that has been left to soothe the broken heart of the abandoned child(ren). What is sacred is the strength you, the mother has demonstrated to the children to carry the weight of it. Don't abandon yourself. There is nothing sacred about a man who abandons his children.

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well said. jg

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in my opinion i grew up with out a dad and it sucks and all these people are wrong its not about what YOU want its about what your children NEED and children need their father. He made a very stupid misstake in leaving you guys and you should tell him he needs to help out with money for the children before he comes back and start out slow like letting him see them once every 2 weeks but take it from me I always wanted to know my dad no matter what. As long as he is not into illegal things it is best for your babies to get to know their dad.

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Been there, done that!

My daughter, who is now 25, father bailed out when I was almost 3 months pregnant. I let his family know the baby was on it's way and I continued on with my life. His brothers were given pictures and often visited their niece but dad was a no show. He had another child a year after my daughter was born and he was an active participant in his life. He never told his MOTHER he had another child (my daughter was about to turn 5) even though I told her in person and the information came out over thanksgiving dinner when everyone was assembled. I know this information because I was still friends with the brothers.

After 5 years He shows up (he has NEVER seen or supported her) stating he wants to see his daughter. I laughed so hard I almost cried...........was he serious! It was 3 months before I agreed to let him meet her. My daughter took to him and he was great with her. She met her half brother, grand-mom and cousins for the first time. She was excited to have an extended family (my family was very small)and they were excited to meet her.

Dads presence was short lived and unstable because he kept going to jail. I was always honest with my daughter about her father but NEVER spoke ill of him (she would realize it eventually). The great thing that came from meeting him was the family she gained. My daughter is very close with the other side of her family and so am I. The inconsistent nature of her father has developed into the two of them having a NON-RELATIONSHIP. My daughter does not care about him at all because he has had no major impact on her life. His absence has caused him to not see his first grandchild.

My suggestions:
1. if the dad is a jack ass the kids will know it.
2. If dad is not respecting your feelings about his return pray about it and do what feels right for your family.
3. You are going to have to be the strong one when dad breaks your childs heart (he will).
4. Fortify your child with the knowledge that YOU will always be there to love and protect them. 5.Don't respond to the father with anger because it weakens your position (dont open up for the Jedi mind trick).
6.Don't try to influence your child to like or dislike their dad, let the relationship develop on its own
7. YOUR KIDS ARE SMART, YOU HAVE DONE WELL, DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THEM!

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This is exactly I was trying to say!

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I think it would depend on the situation. My son is eight and a half and hasn't seen his father since he was 18 months. In his case, I would tell him to go to hell and never come back...that's the emotional side of me. The logical side of me would really have to ponder the situation.

To be honest, it's not as if he has been living the most upstanding model of a lifestyle, so I think even logically I would defer to my emotional answer...

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thanks so much for this and i almost didn't log on. I'm in a similar situation as you.My son last saw his father when he was 18 months he's now 7 and then he came to Cape Town on business and wanted to see my son well after his bedtime and expected me to drive out to him, i told him to GO TO HELL!

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My daughter was 17 when my grandson was born. The father said he wanted to be involved, so he was given the chance. That lasted about 6 months. Then he married his on-again-off-again girlfriend and disappeared. He did Basic Training and got home from that around the time my grandson was a year old. For 3 months or so, we mucked around with him & the new wife having visits a couple times a week. (Mind you...all this time, there was no child support coming in. He's not even on the birth certificate.) Then around the time my grandson was 15 months old, the visits just stopped. (We found out later this was about the time the wife got pregnant herself.)

FOR TWO YEARS there wasn't a word. Then the dad and his wife separated. He contacted my daughter, who let him come visit a few times (with the provision that he was never to be referred to as Daddy, but just as Mommy's friend). The visits lasted 6 weeks or so, and then he was gone again.

My grandson will be 5 next month. His dad has been around MAYBE for a year of that, if you total it all. My daughter has tried letting him return - more than once - and he always bugs out again. Besides this, he has other traits/ habits that she just doesn't want influencing her son.

All of this is to explain her current absolute hardline philosophy of "NOT ON YOUR LIFE!" if he should try to come back again. While he's been schlepping around, living off of one relative after another, having one short-term job after another (not temp, but short-term, as in he gets mad and quits), she has established a stable home of her own and will finish college at the end of this semester. My grandson doesn't "miss" his father, because he's never had one. I'm sure some day he'll realize that there is someone out there who bears the label "father," and I pray that we're able to have the answers he needs when that time comes. But for now...no. The father doesn't get to come back.

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Wow I got chills reading this , this is the exact situation that I was in, almost to a T, being 17 him leaving me for long time love to marry her and him joining the military. This was very very spine chilling reading this, thank you for sharing

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Wow! Tough question! and even tougher situation to live. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to be a single parent, especially when the father (or mother) is estranged. I've watched (and supported) my sister in this situation and a few of my close mom friends. When you're not a single parent, it's SO easy to sit back and judge and criticize and cast shame and blame on them as if they somehow deserve their circumstances. Single dads are often praised while single moms are so often the subject of scandal or pushed around and shamed. It's incredibly tough to be a single parent and a BIG part of what makes it so tough is this: (1) being lonely and overwhelmed and (2) dealing with all the issues that can arise for your child(ren) from the estrangement/abandonment. Every situation is different and some can be incredibly complicated and some can even be dangerous so when the estranged parent tries to return and thinks he just has free access and ability to reconnect and parent as he pleases, there are a number of things to keep in mind. First and foremost, everything should revolve around what is best for the child(ren). Sometimes single parents have so much pain and damage that they've pushed and pushed down for so long to be able to take care of their child(ren) solo without time for themselves to heal comes rushing back and it's EASY to refuse because it's too hard or because you want to make someone else hurt as bad as you do but that's why you should never try to do this alone. Establishing a relationship with a biological parent, no matter how long it's been, is always a good thing SO LONG AS IT IS SAFE but you need help and you need to have VERY strict rules. Sometimes the easiest thing is to get help that is legal in nature just so there is a 3rd party. I would suggest that the returning parent have to really earn privileges and that time with his child(ren) starts slow and is supervised for quite some time. I would also suggest that the child(ren) have some say in the whole thing. Children should NEVER be forced to reconnect or connect with a stranger without plenty of opportunities to understand what is happening, to talk through it, to be prepared and to set the pace. In other words, a single mom can't let her own desire to hurt an ex cloud her ability to do what is best for her child(ren) in the long run BUT she also can't be expected to allow or force her child(ren) to DO ANYTHING that is unsafe or that they aren't ready for. The single parent should also seek support in whatever form possible - family, friends, group therapy...... and should strongly consider family support as well.

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If mom has to decide at birth whether she's in or out, so does dad. If he chose out, well then that's his consequence to suffer. I would not want someone that selfish in my child's life.

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I am a single mother with 2 kids, they haven't seen their father since last January, and now he is returning in the next couple of weeks. The kids are 14 and 11 yrs old and they have been so settled and happy without him despite the fact that they love him and miss him. The have been in touch by text and phone calls. They don't know whether to be happy or excited or scared and anxious at his return. I think they have a mixture of all these emotions. It is heartbreaking to see them so confused. I believe that children should know and love both parents and have both parents involved in their lives and I have continually tried to reassure them that their father really does love them and miss them. I have helped him to try to settle in the nearby town but he has thrown it back in my face twice now. So in a couple of weeks we start the whole process again and it is so unsettling for me and the kids. So in answer to the above question, all situations are different, so therefore all answers will also be different. However, I think the mother who has been left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts and lives is the one to make the decision as to what is best......best for the KIDS that is. That is the key here, the children are the priority. I try to avoid the kids filling their hearts with all the negative emotions that are associated with this truly awful situation, because that doesn't do anyone any good least of all themselves. Good wishes and lots of love and joy to all the single mothers out there, WE ARE ALL DOING A GREAT JOB!!!!

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Renee,
How old is your daughter, and how long have you been raising her without his support? You have to be careful of peoples' motives nowadays, and make decisions in the best interest of the child, not yourself or how you feel. If he wants to be part of her life, I think that's wonderful. But at the same time, he should be helping you out financially. That's what a GOOD father would do, even if you get divorced. If you go through with the divorce, make sure you get child support......too many deadbeat Dads out there. That little girl is his responsibility too! Good luck!

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Cindy, Thanks for the response. She is 9, we have only been seperated for almost 3 months but even when we were together he was always at his friends house. He has never really taken a big role in her life. I guess I have ignored alot of things thinking he would someday do the right thing. I do think it is great if he will step up but my feelings at this point is if he truly was concerend about our daughter then he would be concentrating on getting a place for her to come and getting his life together, not shacking up playing house to someone elses kids.

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I am open to any suggestions you have because I am struggling with this same thing. Although my husband and I are in the middle of a seperation and divorce he has not wanted anything to do with our daughter until he got with a new woman. He now has her convinced he is the father of the year.

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My best friend has the exact same issue. Her son's dad was never a big part of their son's life. Two years they have been separated and divorced and he would spend every other Wednesday night with their son--and sometimes not even that. Although it was written in the child support order that he could have their son every other weekend, not ONCE out of two years did he ever spend a weekend with him. Well. The dad up and got married 4 months ago, and what do you know....my friend gets served with child custody papers--he wanted to get primary custody of their son!!! You know, the son he could never even spend a weekend with, the son who's school he has NEVER visited, the son who he could only spend a few Wednesday nights with here and there because any other day of the week (and especially those fun filled weekends) was a bother. Here were his motives, 1) he was tired of paying that hefty child support (he makes a lot of money)n and 2) now that he had a new wife to stay home and take care of the kid, he found the idea of being a dad more paletable. If a father wants to be a part of a childs life, that is the best possible scenerio. But once he has been absent for a while, he's got some proving to do, he's got to earn back that right, because as a parent, my job is to protect my child, even if it means protecting her from her own dad!

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Hi there. I had a wise friend and I was having a hard time with my ex-husband. We would break up and get back together and get back together and so and so on.... So anyways I was really not sure what to do because I had a baby and i really didn't want to be a divorced mom. SO this is what my friend said to me, When you take your trash out to the curb and leave it there to be taken away, would you get that same trash bag and bring it back inside to open the garbage bag and start putting the trash back in your fridge and on your table? Of course I answered no and she told me then why would you consider taking him back? If you put him out to the curb so he can move on and you can do the same why would add drama in your life and bring your bag back in the house? I guess it was a weird comparison, but I am sure you understand what I am trying to say. And remember that we as moms have to put our kids before our own sometimes. You need to show your child or children what a strong person looks like and as far as the dad, take things slow if that is what your thinking. Go on dates and take it slow. Until your sure it is going to work again. The worst thing is to get your children's hopes up and everything with you and your partner goes south and then your kids will be hurt all over again. Hey girlfriend, been there done that and got the t-shirt. I hope this helps. I guess just let me know if this helps, ok? Caroline

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Hi my name is kim, I had my kids at a young age 16,18 two daughters my kids dad went away out of there life when they were 1 an 3, never came back until they were 23 an 27, mind me I never dog talked about him to them, he stomped me out when I was 8 months pregnant with my second child, today I still don't know why, any I let them have that choice to have a relationship with him, so they asked me why an what happened I told them the whole truth, about us, they told me my pass is my pass, they found something they liked about him, he passed away 7years after they meet, I asked them what did he said about what happen he said to them he didn't remember anything cause he was so high, he passed away this June 2013, left them 20,000 a piece, I stepped back broken hearted cause we have so close, they haven't talked to me, one of my daughter's said she was cutting me of never explaining why, Im screwed up in the head, I never seen this coming, I need help, can someone help me explain this to myself, feel like I'm about to have a nervous break down.

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Firstly I would implore you to consider all aspects of the safety of your child(ren). A) is it SAFE for them to be alone with him? B) Do they even KNOW him? C) What is the potential psycological ramifications of their re-acquaintance? If the answer to ANY of these is YES, then you have every right, and it is your JOB to keep them SAFE first. Now with that said, I have had the same or similar experience....and it was ugly. I feel that the only reason my son's father came back around after a 10 month absence/abandonment (at the time of 12 months that my son was alive) was not because he truly wanted to be an involved loving parent, but rather that he wanted to satisfy HIS OWN GUILT. Because whenever anyone would ask about my son, he would feel guilty. Yet I did not, and DO not get child support. He continually is "between jobs" or "HIS life is on the verge of collapse". How easy will it be for him to yet again, abandon you and your family. The kids dont need that and its damaging to them for a lifetime. And if there is not a current court order in place, it would be my instinct to not allow it if possible. If its not possible, then he needs to prove to you beyond a doubt that his motives are pure, he is a GOOD role model, and is financially responsible by paying his support. If he cares he will be willing and understand and will do all those things willfully. Then, and only then would I allow visits and they would be two hours at a time and SUPERVISED! By you if possible. If not then by a court appointed advocate.

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After being in relationship with him for 3 years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email is DRAISEDIONSPELLCASTER@GMAIL.COM you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or any other problem.

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2010 I felt pregnant and since then I told the father I'm pregnant and he leave. Never help me with anything and gave birth in 2011.Know a week ago he and his wife decided to come and for the first time in his life he saw is 3 year old girl. For so many years he missed so many wonderful things. What can I do cause his wife said that I must call her if I need something. For 3 years I do everything on my own. I'm Confused.PLEASE HELP

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It depends on the situation that caused Dad to leave. If Dad left because of a divorce, and the circumstances were not good, then no way! Children are very adaptable to the surroundings but also very aware of things between parents (especially bad).

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BE CAREFUL HERE NOBODY CAN HELP YOU HERE OR EVEN SUGGEST HOW YOU CAN GET YOUR EX OR LOVE BACK,ANY TESTIMONIES OF MOST SPELL CASTER HERE MUST BE IGNORE.BECAUSE MOST OF THEM ARE SCAM I MEAN REAL SCAM WHICH I WAS A VICTIM AND I GOT RIPPED OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BECAUSE I WAS SO ANXIOUS TO GET MY WIFE ROSE AFTER SHE LEFT ME FOR OVER 2YEARS WITH MY 7YEARS OLD SON JERRY,I HAVE APPLIED TO 7 DIFFERENT SPELL CASTER HERE AND ALL TO NO AVAIL THEY ALL ASK FOR SAME THING SEND YOUR NAME YOUR EX NAME ADDRESS AND PICTURE PHONE NUMBER ETC WHICH I DID OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND MOST OF THEM WERE FROM SOUTH AFRICA UNTIL I SAW THIS Email Online ABOUT DR KAKA SPELL IN NIGERIA AND I DECIDED TO GAVE HIM A CALL.HE ASK ME FOUR THINGS MY REAL NAME,MY EX AND MY EX MOTHER NAME AND £500 AND SAID MY EX WILL COME BACK IN 24HOURS SO I HAVE TO END THE CALL AS I HAVE PAID OVER $7000 ON SPELL CASTING AND COURIER AND NOTHING HAVE WORK FOR ME AFTER 3 DAYS I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I HAVE LOST SO FAR BECAUSE OF ROSE SO I SAID LET ME GIVE HIM A TRY SO I CALLED HIM AGAIN AND SEND MY REAL NAME,MY EX AND MY EX MOTHER NAME AND THE £340 BECAUSE I SWEAR IT WAS MY LAST TRY SO I WAS WAITING AS HE TOLD ME TO WAIT TILL NEXT DAY AND I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT BECAUSE I REALLY LOVE ROSE AND WANT HER BACK AT 9PM THAT DAY I SAW ROSE ONLINE ON FACE BOOK AND SHE SAID HI AT FIRST I WAS SHOCK BECAUSE SHE NEVER TALK WITH ME FOR THE PAST A YEAR AND 9 MONTH NOW I DID NOT REPLY AGAIN SHE SAID ARE YOU THERE? I QUICKLY REPLY YES AND SHE SAID CAN WE SEE TOMORROW I SAID YES AND SHE WENT OFFLINE I WAS CONFUSED I TRY TO CHAT WITH HER AGAIN BUT SHE WAS NO MORE ONLINE I COULD NOT SLEEP THAT NIGHT AS I WAS WONDERING WHAT SHE IS GOING TO SAY, BY 7.AM THE NEXT MORNING SHE GAVE ME A MISS CALL I DECIDED NOT TO CALL BACK AS I WAS STILL ON SHOCK AGAIN SHE CALL AND I PICK SHE SAID CAN WE SEE AFTER WORK TODAY I SAID YES SO SHE END THE CALL IMMEDIATELY I GOT OFF WORK SHE CALL ME AND WE MEET AND NOW WE ARE BACK AGAIN I CALL DR KAKA THE NE

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I am Becky by name. Greetings to every one that is reading this testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster on this address dr.Wisdomspellhome@gmail.com, have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave him a reply to his address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and after 3 days that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring lovers back. because i am now happy with my husband. Thanks for Dr. Wisdom. His email: dr.Wisdomspellhome@gmail.com

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Thanks to the great man of all people he is the greatest man i have ever seen since i came to this world i was frustrated but one good day i just said let me go to the internet so i came across the good work of this great man the great Lord Ogbuka so i contacted him for him to help me bring back my ex boyfriend and he laugh he said is this your problem and i said yes then he told me to clean my tears that it will just take him 3days to bring him back after i gave him all he required i waited till the 3days came and that faithful day i heard some one knocking at my door who did i find, my ex boyfriend he started begging for forgiveness that is how i got my ex back through the Great Lord Ogbuka temple, i advice you to contact him in any kind of problem email Ogbukaspelltemple@gmail.com

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I suggest to take things slowly, and only if the child shows an intrest in him being there. Start with a phone call at a time that works for hi (so no excuses) and have him call the same day and time for a certain period of time. if he is late do not answer. show him there are cosequences. then if all goes well move up to his seeing her in a public place at first same day same time just like the calls, and have the calls continue. Every child deserves the chance to know their parent. regardless of all our faults none of us are perfect.

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My name is Mrs. Caroline Smith,From USA ,and I’m happily married with a lovely husband and three children.I had a very big problem with my husband few months ago,to the extent that he even packed his things away from our house. He left I and and my kids for almost 5 months,and i tried all my possible best and effort to bring him back.I discussed it with a very good friend of mine,and he gave me an advice concerning a spell caster, that he is the only one that can handle my situations and problem,that he’s always ready and able to do anything related to spell casting and helping of the needy, Pls every every one i would like you all to contact him with his email address,which is as follows.”Ogbukaspelltemple@gmail.com I never believed in spell casting,but My friend convinced me and i had no choice than to follow my friend advice,because i never dreamed of loosing my lovely Husband. And i contacted him with his email address,and i discussed with him all my problems and worries and so surprisingly,he told me that I’ll get my husband back a day after. I didn't believed Him, until when i got home,the next day,my husband called me to inform me that he is coming back home…..So Amazing!! That’s how i got my back through spell casting and our relationship was stronger than ever. One of the price i was asked to pay was to tell it to the people around me that problems like this,can always be solved by awani. So! my advice to you out there is to visit this same E-mail address,and tell him your problems too,if you are in any condition related to love issue or getting your ex back or and problem at all, pls Contact him and have a happy life. you can contact him via email (ogbukaspelltemple@gmail.com

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My advice is to really sit down and pray and then talk with your child(ren) if they are old enough find out what it is that they want... Do they want a relationship with their father (if there is a step-parent involved) find out if they are content with the love you and their stepdad are giving them? Sometimes you will find that they do not want as close a relationship as it might seem.. I am going through this right now my eldest children's father has been away this time for a year before then it was almost three years. I allow the children to associate with their father because they want to... here lately it has been a struggle to get them to even make the decision to see him, in this case I am going to sit down with their father and let him know that because the children are uncomfortable with how he comes and goes consistently and frankly so am I its time to make a move for the good of my children.

Hope some of what I wrote helps

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My name is Mrs. Caroline Smith,From USA ,and I’m happily married with a lovely husband and three children.I had a very big problem with my husband few months ago,to the extent that he even packed his things away from our house. He left I and and my kids for almost 5 months,and i tried all my possible best and effort to bring him back.I discussed it with a very good friend of mine,and he gave me an advice concerning a spell caster, that he is the only one that can handle my situations and problem,that he’s always ready and able to do anything related to spell casting and helping of the needy, Pls every every one i would like you all to contact him with his email address,which is as follows.”Ogbukaspelltemple@gmail.com I never believed in spell casting,but My friend convinced me and i had no choice than to follow my friend advice,because i never dreamed of loosing my lovely Husband. And i contacted him with his email address,and i discussed with him all my problems and worries and so surprisingly,he told me that I’ll get my husband back a day after. I didn't believed Him, until when i got home,the next day,my husband called me to inform me that he is coming back home…..So Amazing!! That’s how i got my back through spell casting and our relationship was stronger than ever. One of the price i was asked to pay was to tell it to the people around me that problems like this,can always be solved by awani. So! my advice to you out there is to visit this same E-mail address,and tell him your problems too,if you are in any condition related to love issue or getting your ex back or and problem at all, pls Contact him and have a happy life. you can contact him via email (ogbukaspelltemple@gmail.com

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Just say no. He still has the same problems.

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A GREAT SPELL CASTER(Dr Ogbuka)THAT HELP BRING MY EX BOY FRIEND BACK TO ME. My name is jose i want to testify about a great spell caster that helped me when all hope was lost. I broke up with my ex boyfriend with just little misunderstanding hoping we will get back shortly,but things was growing worse until i contacted Dr Ogbuka who help me with his powers to bring him back, i have never believed in a spell caster until i come across Dr Ogbuka Well it will be of great sin if i should go out from here without dropping the contact of this great spell caster,in case you need the help of this great spell caster you can contact him through his email:Ogbukaspelltemple@gmail.com once you contact him all your problems will be over,once again i say very big thanks to you sir for helping me to recover my ex boyfriend, and please sir keep your good work cause people may need your help. := love marriage := Business problem := Problem in husband wife := Foreign traveling := Problem in study := Problem as childless := Physical problem := Problem in family relations := problem in your love := Willful marriage := Promotions our wised love back

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I'm in a similar situation. What can I REALLY do? I am remarried to a wonderful man who has become the father to the two sons I brought into our family. They call him dad and have a wonderful relationship. Our family is so happy and the kids finally have the father they deserve! When they were around the sperm donor, they were in fear constantly and felt unwanted. He finally disappeared for about a year and a half, and now that the kids are finally happy and secure in their family with their REAL father, the sperm donor decides to show up at their school to see them. He hasn't called, or texted or made ANY attempts to even find out if they are alive for almost a year and a half and now he shows up at school? He wasn't allowed to because he wasn't on the emergency cards, but I am so scared that he is going to try and get his fix of the kids just to hurt and abandon them all over again! What do I do? That man is so unhealthy for our boys and I am so scared that he will hurt their progress and just hurt their hearts all over again!!!! What do I do?

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You - commented on Apr 30, 2013 I am so happy to have come upon this thread. I have been driving myself insane with my current situation. My ex husband has come in and out of our daughters life all of her life. She is going to be twelve soon. His absences were sometimes months and sometimes years. He has struggled with drugs since she was approximately one. After finding a vial of crack in her mouth incased in a glass jar at slightly less than 2 years old I have been hesitant to allow him anything but monitored visitation which he has not ever kept up for long. Three years ago he moved 2300 miles away with not so much as a phone call to say he was leaving. This was after marrying a woman who was arrested for prostitution and having dragged their three children up and down my state through evictions and hotels for years. Last summer he calls and says that he has changed his life and would like me to send our daughter to stay with him for the summer 2300 miles away. I declined. He was on probation in his new home state at the time. He called for awhile, visited once and then fell off the radar for the next couple of months. Last November he called again making plans for a Christmas visit. He was unable to keep this visit but showed shortly before New Year's. We met for another monitored visit and then he left to return home. I was served papers to appear before court for neglecting to allow him to exercise his visitation just before February. We are due to appear in court shortly. He moved back in March(to the best of my knowledge) and has been calling more often. However he was arrested in early April and was kept incarcerated until the end of the month. I met with his wife and children during his incarceration to allow her time with her stepsiblings. Neither he or his wife have jobs although he does do the occasional side jobs from Craigslist. He has made no effort to help support her. They live in a suspect neighborhood for lack of a better word with a woman I have never met and her daughter along with their three children in an apartment. I still have not been given the address. He has stood us up for more than half of our scheduled visitation dates. My daughter is petrified she will be forced to go spend time with him and his family without me. He has been told that she is afraid of spending time with him away from me. The longer this goes on though I have noticed a drop in her grades and an increase in her attitude with me, her stepfather(with whom she had a good relationship with prior to this) and her little sister. She was against therapy at first and I was hesitant to force her but as the problems seem to be piling on top of each other I have scheduled therapy for the both of us with sessions with my husband and second daughter to follow. I have been a wreck and the situation has affected my relationship with his mother and sister with whom I have kept in contact with and who have relationships(sort of as the apple did not fall far from the tree minus the drugs) as well as with his second daughter from yet another of his relationships for which we had a prior relationship.

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I am in this situation now. I have never been one to agree with someone take always someone else's rights...... However if taking away his rights or not letting him see your children is what is best and safest for your child then it is your responsibility as a parent to protect that child at all cost!!!!!!

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The father of my two sons walked out of our lifes when my sons ages where 5 and 3 didnt even pay any child support.Went and found another women stayed with her had more kids.Now my younger son turns 18 a few days after my aunt recieves a phone call and yes it was the dead beat father asking if she knew where his kids where.My aunt went ahead and gave him my number and he called me and the first words coming out of his mouth was am I a grandpa yet,can you believe it,I laugh and said how in the hell can you be a grandpa when you was never a father. And like one of the moms said,let your children deside.I told my youngest son first your father called he wants to know if he can see you ,my son said,"dose he have any money" I wanted to laugh but I told him stop that he said well he isnt good for nothing else. Later I spoke to my older son and he said okay I like to see him because I like to whip his ass for being a dead beat loser. two days later I heard both of them talking and they came to me and told me that he was dead in there book and not to talk to him again. So he called a few days later wanting to know what the boys said.I just told hi they said no ,he went to has far has to askk why cant they forgive. I told him I cant answer that question because its them who you hurt and missed out your lost buddy and hanged the phone ,that happend 10 years ago they dont ever talk about it. So my advice to mothers be honest with your kids to lie.The truth always comes out.,I kept my home phone listed all those years just so he didnt have any kind of exuses . To all moms dont beg a man to raise his kids it should be out of his heart,if he dont he dosnt love them.A mother or father will not stop searching for there kids they will go to the end of the earth if they love them.I dont believe in making a man or women to care and support there children they brought into this world. Those are the scum of the earth.

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Dont let him back... He just validated that he can abandon and abuse and then return so the cycle will continue. Rarely have you seen a transformation of conciousness withthin a person who can emotionally blow a child, nevertheless their own.

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I went back; he put alot of work into my manipulation and when I was finally moved into our house and had my supposed "family" after being abandoned pregnant. I found him in our bed sleeping with another woman.. Funny part is we were buying engagement rings four hours prior. These men who perform these type of behaviors are not playing with a full deck. And he is a normal union guy; blue collar...

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Tread very carefully. Depending on the length of absence, and whether kids even remember him (and hopefully remember him favorably)... I would start with photos, emails, and such to try to ensure he's back and healthy to have around. Maybe not tell the kids he's back yet. If he shows himself to be sincere "long distance", then maybe a talk with the kids about him wanting to come back and see how they feel (if they are old enough). If they don't want him around, I would explain to him that they aren't ready but don't give up on them. Maybe they will come around. If they do want him around, then try some phone calls between them - maybe speaker phone so you can make sure conversations go well. If they get along after several phone calls, then a day at the park WITH you there (but maybe not hovering, just supervising). After that several times, THEN, if everyone seems ready, maybe a day at the park WITHOUT you. Again, if all goes well, then you can progress to maybe a day with him that's more loosely scheduled. Maybe an overnight... Just depends on how everything goes and what the KIDS WANT and what you are COMFORTABLE with. But, it does mean, you have to be a grown up in the situation. Just make sure the kids are safe (emotionally and physically) and let all other feelings be for a girl's night out, a glass of wine (or several) and a lot of bitching. I've been through this. He left again, but mostly my son wasn't ready (he told me he wasn't). I told the father to give him time and maybe he'll come around one day. The father has an open door if my son wants it, but my son hasn't taken it - it's been years. I think, maybe, he might try once more with his father as he reaches manhood (he's 16 now). If his father "blows it" again in his eyes, I think that will be the end of it all. His stepfather adopted him when he was 7 so he has all the choices in this relationship. That helps a lot. But my friend, her boys have not been adopted by their stepfather (it's been discussed) and their father is back and absolutely NOTHING but a destructive force in the boys' lives. He seems to LIKE it that way. This is not a man or situation to follow the above steps! ONLY if you know your kids may benefit from the relationship and there is sincerity all around. :) I will say, it takes a TOUGH MOMMA to be able to do all of this gracefully. I wasn't always as graceful as it may sound in this post! I cried a lot and really tried not to in front of my son. Sometimes it was unavoidable. Like after one phone call with his father, my son said he thinks he wants to call him Dad. I broke down. Right then and there. I hope anyone who goes through this has more grace than I did at times!!

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I have two children. Both of their dads were not very involved. My daughters dad was in prison for most of her young life. he got out and was a part of her life for two years before he chose drugs over her. He now wants to be a part of her life again, and I am willing. Kids need their dads...But ultimately I have left the decision up to her. She is 13 and can decide for herself if she wants to open her heart to him. I try not to push her, but I do tell her you never know....my son's father was not in his life until he was 3. He tried to be involved and then was killed not long after he became a part of his life. Life is short. I don't want my daughter to have an regrets that she at least tried. if he chooses to be absent again, or if anything tragic were to happen (like with my son's father) at least she will have known him and have no regrets. It isn't about me at this point. it's about my kids. And all I want is what is best for them.

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I used to hope for this...now I feel like fleeing the country! It's always mixed feelings because your baby deserves the best- but the guy is a total jerk.

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Well said. I don't really have the mixed feelings any more, I just wish he'd leave us alone.

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I am humbled by reading the many challenges other men and women are faceing with their marriage life,having problems with their spouse as I am on day eleven of The love spell i cast on my woman which i ordered from the winexbackspell@gmail.com the spell really make me feel reliefe as i am now happy with my marriage,anything i say now she believes me eventhough i lied she believed me than ever. God has continued to give me strength each day as I go on this marriage journey and I want everyone who reads this to know I lift you up to your faith.never to loose hope take a chance and tell the winexbackspell@gmail.com your problems this will give you daily encouragement,so do not sit down and think all hope is lost,do something to make the spirit proud of you,win back your relationship. May the spirit bless each of you courageous enough to win back your relationship.

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My daughter is three... her father left when I was 6 months pregnant after he had sexually assaulted me and I didn't hear from him until after she was born. A nasty court battle ensued as I filed for sole custody and child support. He left his well paying job and attempted to reduce child support to next to nothing. In the year after her birth he spent 10 hours with her and then moved to the other side of Canada. The courts ordered sole custody, full child support, and reasonable visitation (including web cam sessions every 2 weeks). In the past three years this man and his mother come and spend on average 15 hours with my daughter in my company at their request. When she gets overtired, as she often does, as they usually jam pack the visit and overtire her... they leave her crying with me and get in their car and wave as they drive off. In between these annual visits there is absolutely no personal contact between my daughter and her father. When I approached him during one of the visits to ask him to consider her wellbeing he told me it didn't matter if she was overtired as it would only be for a few days. Today he called and told me that he wants to return to my daughter's life... I'm not opposed to it completely but would like to reintroduce them cautiously as I have no faith that if things don't go his way he'll bail on her. At some points I've even considered challenging his parental rights as he's an absent father .... no phone calls, no court-ordered web cam sessions, nothing but a 4 - 5 day visit once a year where he and his mother want to run her into the ground. We're on day 4 today and my daughter fell asleep while I was bathing her before the outing this morning. Any suggestions on how to handle this situation?

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To explain the schedule visits... an example would be a three hour visit at a museum with a 1.5 hour drive each way to get there and back to meet them there.

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my daughter is 4 months old. i married her father over a year ago . we knew eachother for only a few weeks.. i admit it was the biggest mistake of my life. we faught all the time after wards,, he was always talking to other girls i mean girls 14 thru 17... he was 18... i was 21.. he and i broke up due to all the drama he decided to maove 16 hours away. he knew i was prego.. after all of this i got back with my other twos dad and have been back with him since then... (my marrage and relationship with the 18 yr old was like my rebound i guess) he then ignored my pregnance and everything and ended up in jail i guess where he moved to and now is back around this area and wants to go to court for custody issues.. does he even have a chance.. i mean he hasnt ever even seen her.. he only writes to me to tell me about whas up.. never asks about her never trys to c her or anything just thretens to take me to court for dna or something,, we still r not divorced what do i do
??? hes only been back for about three weeks has a new girls friend and a job(he never keeps one itll last for a few weeks)... he lives with his mom which her house is soo nasty n=and smelly... they have lots of pets in a three bedroom apartment.. three dogs four cats fish a rat and birds.. they potty everywhere no one clease theyre even aloud to eat out of ur bowls while ur eatting it.. i mean hes not stable or clean or anything.. what would u do?

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My son, just turned 16 and after a 10 year absence his father wants to re-establish contact and move from one state to the state we are living in so he can be a "dad". I really need advise!

Backstory: His father I were married 10 years, because of his continued addictive and rage behaviors I divorced and moved 2500 miles away. Even during the time we were married we didn't live together more than four of the ten years. In the divorce proceedings I made some very strong stipulations protecting my son from his father. The stipulations included the following; 1 year of clean UA's, 1 plus year of clean time, 1 year of outpatient recovery, 1 year of living on his own without the support off his "mommy", complete parenting classes, 1 or more years of behavioral therapy to deal with his PTSD (Vietnam Vet) all these terms MUST be met prior to any contact. The judge was surprised and proud of me for making all these stipulations, the judge commented to me I really care and know what is best for my son. I was awarded full custody. No child support was ordered because he was living on the streets by the time the divorce was finalized.

Over the last six years I we have worked really hard to establish a healthy and happy life. My son, had not had any real male role models in his life and we are paying the price now. My son struggles to keep friends and feels very awkward in social situations. He is currently in therapy and is learning new tools to make him a stronger individual. During this time, when he ask about his father I am very careful not to make a negative statement. I want my son to develop his own thoughts and process his feelings. I would just tell him what I knew, and that is I do not know where he is and I just can pray he as found piece and sobriety. For the most part that would satisfy him.

Now present day; he calls us about six weeks ago and tells us where and what he has been doing. Told us that he was in a coma for six months and was finally clean. That he has nine months of clean time. He has been working with the VA to get his life moving in the right directions. After about 30 minutes on the phone I made the decision to let him speak to my son. I handed over the phone and walked away so my son could have some privacy. About 45 minutes later my son comes out of his room with the biggest smile I have seen in a long time. I asked him if he would like to discuss or if he had any questions. We proceeded to talk about what was said.

Then two weeks later all communication stopped because my son, had a mental breakdown (not because of his dad) but because of the serious problems we were having with bullies at his school. When I communicated this to his father he flipped a switch, and starting to blame me and tell me that if I had not moved away none of this would have happened.

Then yesterday out of nowhere he calls us again to tell us that he relapsed and was inpatient getting the treatment he needs. I told him that I am glad he is in treatment but because of my court ordered stipulations I do not want any further contact. He then proceeded to text my son on his phone and threw blame at me. So now, needless to say, my son is HEARTBROKEN and very confused. Today on his facebook page he writes "Why now? Why after all these years? He was never there for me when I needed him as a child, I am only two years away from becoming an adult"

My heart is breaking for him, I really tried to keep him safe and my one major worry is now coming true.

We need advise on how to proceed. Any members willing to offer suggestions we are here to read.

We will bring all this up in his next therapy appointment but I want input from other mothers.

Thank you for reading our story.
Jayne

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My daughter's father has a history of drug abuse too, you can request drug tests and if they are positive for any illegal substances you can keep him away from your son. I hope that your son sees that none of this is his fault, it sounds like he has a strong smart mother who is focused on him rather than the troubled dad. Too many women put their child(ren) second to chasing an ideal love life, at the detriment of their children's well-being. My daughter's father suddenly reappeared in her life after almost 3 years no contact, refusing to pay child support, refusing to acknowledge paternity (child support ruled him as the father by default from lack of response to acknowledge paternity). Now he has a whim to see her and I just want to protect her from his violent tendencies, drug use, immaturity and all the usual suspects of a selfish deadbeat dad trying to relieve his own guilt. Navigating the legal system is a nightmare! I am in college trying to get my nursing degree and I dont have money for a lawyer, but I really need some direction on my rights in California and filing abandonment, name change (she has both our last names because I had more faith that he would get his act together with the hope that a newborn brings - reality has set in since then...) and what I can do in response to demands for visitation from a literal stranger to her that feels like being a dad suddenly. Stay strong.

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Legally, the Mom would have to let the father have visitation, unless it was proven detrimental to the children, regardless if he has paid child support. As far as the Mom just letting him back into their daily life, that's a decision she has to make. If he walked once, he may again. It would depend on the reasoning for his abandonment.. On the bright side, if he has returned the mom should be able to get a child support order and enforce it. If it's a viable situation where he wants visitation and you don't want him to have it then there is mediation and/or supervised visitation. Most men despise supervised visitation with someone watching their every move with the children. If they really care about their child they will agree to it. In a day and age where this situation is happening everyday, it's time to reflect on why it's happening. Women need to make better choices. But the most important thing is the children. I never talked bad about my ex, and I went back to court and got my child support raised. I made sure he had to take the boys every other weekend and I lived over and hour and a half away. He got tired of the drive and got tired of the child support. Within 8 months he signed adoption papers to my now husband. When the boys were grown, they tried to have a relationship with their biological father and it fell flat within 6 months. They came back to me and told me I was the best mother for getting rid of him. It's not about the mom, it's about the children.

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