What do you do with a moody daughter?
How should you handle a daughter who is being temperamental or moody? What can you do to help calm her down?
I am a mother of 4 girls. 4, 10 and twin 18yr olds. I believe that most of what is wrong with society as a whole is due to parents trying to be friends with their children. This is an extra and first and fore most, we are parents. Call me old fashion but I will not allow my children to run my house or "set the mood" in my house. I understand moods as well as my husband, with 5 girls in the house, but if they can not be nice or act nice then they have rooms to cool off in. If they get out of hand then they will get a spank or grounded. Out of all of my girls I have only had two temper tantrums. 1 from both of my youngest. There was no feedback when they did this so they didn't do it again. We ignored them and they stopped and to this day we act like it didn't happen. I have taught my girls from an early age that there are consequences for their actions when they misbehave. I believe that consistency and a sense of fear in our children is key. If they know that there will be nothing done every time or not at all then they will continue. Don't get me wrong, I do not have to spank my children hardly at all. I do talk to them as well. I am a very strong believer that if you do not show your kids twice the love in which you discipline them, then you shouldn't. Always tell your children you love them and how beautiful they are. My twins come to my husband and I both to talk about anything (to much sometimes) as well as the others and we all have fun and act silly. They both go to college and they are all very well rounded kids and Christian girls. Also, every one of my girls are different. I have a do it herself perfectionist that is very mild mannered,a high tempered drama queen and independent, a very needy dependent and my crazy loud go getter. Did I mention that I do not allow whining!! Super annoying!!!
CHOCOLATE! :o) Seriously though, for me it has depended on what is causing the moodiness. I have 3 sisters, 3 daughters, several nieces and 2 granddaughters. Are they stressed? What's the reason behind their stress. What do *I* like to do when *I'M* stressed? Sometimes the daughter doesn't even recognize that she's being moody. I lovingly point it out and we discuss what she thinks might help. Sometimes she doesn't know, other times she realizes she needs chocolate or less people or "drive time", mom time or dad time. Basically I've found that there's no one answer that works. It depends on the age, the situation and the individual. Actually, I feel kind of badly for daughter number one because I didn't figure this out for years. Daughter number three is definitely getting the benefit of having older sisters. SO...I would suggest listening to your daughter...what she's saying and what she's not saying and go from there! I've found that even though they're young, they enjoy many of the same de-stressers that I like to use.
Children, esp adolscences, have mood swings, this is nothing that has not been occuring for ages. Temperamental and Moody.... those are part of the game of raising children whether girls or boys. Children come under a lot of stress from peers, family, media, ect. Finding out what is bothering your daughter is the first step, if she doesn't know then what will help her cope. Becoming upset or angry with her will only put her on the defensive and serve no one. Keep a calm tone of voice,this is what usually quieted my daughter down but if I became upset or raised my voice so did she.
(mother of one daughter, grandmother of one granddaughter and mother of one son.... but, as a professional, have worked with children through later adult life for many years)
I try to give my daughter some quiet time. When she is in a good mood- we discuss ways to relieve stress.
Always ask what's going on. If they are not ready to respond give them time. I find that the times my daughter is moody are one of two reasons, PMS or she needs some special attention. During PMS, we both have agreed to be aware and that it will subside and not to take things personally - sometimes we laugh about it when she cries for silly things.
When she is feeling insecure and need special attention, I encourage her dad to spend one on one time with her and I do the same as well. I've learned from my own lacking of not having a father when I was growing up and from my daughter when her dad has to work crazy hours - that there is a definite need for daughters to spend good quality time with dad. The moodiness can drive me crazy, but we've waded through and have figured out what works for us to help her through it. I don't dare tell her "I know you're insecure and need some attention". No, I just plan something fun with her or her dad will do something with her. Hope this helps.
I'm a big fan of Love and Logic and I'm also reading a book called: Parent Talk, Words that empower, Words that wound by Chick Moorman. The primary description for the book is: "How to talk to your children in language that builds self esteem and encourages responsibility". The first section of the book is about choices and how many children do not realize that they choose their attitudes and behaviors (quoting the book here for the most part).
My Daughter is a moody one and I have to use what I'm learning with both of these resources to not over react and to help her take ownership of her behavior. It works 85% of the time =) Sometimes it's just plain out exhausting.
Also, another thing to keep in mind as the parent is the acronym HALT: hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?. It's hard being the one who has to be aware constantly of the barrage of things going on with a child at a given moment but it's they're worth it =)
This is kind of funny to direct this to only a daughter especially if you have both a daughter and son. It is so hard to decide which approach will work depending on the child. With my children they always wanted to shut you out of their lives and make their own decisions and expect you to be the one to throw out the life saver when they needed it. If you tried to help before they wanted it they would close themselves off more. So I guess it was space for me even though there were issues that knocked me for a loop. But know that they are grown and I have grandchildren and soon to be great grandmother I have exceptional children and grandchildren. I have one grandchild living with me that I think I will have to turn to and intervention. I just hope that a lot of people go back to the old ways of my parents and go to church and teach common sense to their child and help them away from peer pressure. We also need to stand up and make a change in some of the laws that have become lacking.
Girls are without a doubt hormonal and emotional so much more than boys. I have two boys and one girl. My daughter makes me sure I could raise a football field full of boys compared to one girl. My daughter has been involved with people that she absorbed their manners, characteristics, temperament. Now that she is nearing 20 and out of the house, when she flys off with her hostile, insulting, name calling and out of control yelling behavior, I immediately let her know (without yelling back) that her behavior is NOT allowed with me and that it is offensive and disrespectful and I do not accept it. I have stopped our outings to take her back to her place when she rants at me and have told her I will not remain in her presence when she behaves this way. I put distance between she and I and let her know why. I will always love her but will not allow her to treat me with such horrid disrespect and hostility. I truly believe it is because she is unhappy in her own life and lives with a guy who himself has a 10+ raging temper. She must feel she has to compete with him when she is in his company and therefore it carries over to me. I AM THE MOTHER I will tell her and you do not speak to me in that manner. Mothers you have to set your boundaries and the sooner the better!!! Even at 2 years old. They may be soooo cute and you adore them so much, but you are their boss and they must learn they must respect and fear that so they don't carry on with temper tantrums when they are adults. Do NOT allow them to cross your line which you will establish. You don't have to beat them or yell. In a calm moment, you tell them what the rule is and you don't have to tell them the consequence because when they get older and more manipulative they will learn how far to push the rules and will even suffer your predetermined consequence to get what they want. Just establish the rule and follow through with a discipline item when it is broken, every single time. Be consistent. If they need quiet time, give it. If they know you won't stand for it, they will not try. You can talk together when moments are calm, but never try to get them to talk about their anger while they are angry. Girls are going to be full of emotional moments during their teen years because of how they feel about their beauty, body, boys, other girls, and during their menstrual cycles. Make a calendar when they get that and just be aware of mood changes. You were once her closest confidant but now her friends may become that. They may cut you out of the loop because they are doing wrong and would be punished by you. You are NOT their friend but their mom so be careful not to try to be their buddy. Be friendly but don't mistake them to be their friend. But moms, do not settle and be hurt by your child. If you allow them to hurt you by slamming you with words or actions, it will only get worse. Look to who they associate with always for a possible culprit. Remember--- a son is a son till he takes a wife, but a daughter's a daughter for the rest of her life. Hang in there moms and stand your ground! YOU are the adult and the boss.
My son is 5 years old. 70% of his time he is mourning, complainig, blaming others and moody. I have a 3yrs old son and he is totally different. Always in a good mood. Though sometimes he tries to copy his brother behavior, but in general he is ahappy person. It is difficult for us to make sense of his behaviour. He had severe fetal distress during labour and we suspect that is a major contributing factor to his character. We bought him a puppy recently and it has changed his character for the better. It keeps him busy and preoccupied. Otherwise we considering taking him for psychological assesement to exclude mood disorders, because at times it gets too much. We always try not to match his mood, and not dwell a lot on his behaviour. We remain supportive at all times.
Kids that are moody at the age younger than say ten or eleven are for different reasons than children that my kids age at now, 13, 15, 17. The only time my kids were moody before that age especially some people are speaking of ages 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.. is either not getting their own way, extremely overtired, not eating or drinking properly, not being disciplined correctly and last not being respected as a child (but wont expand on that). Children at all ages need and want boundaries whether they realise it or not. Teenagers are hard work with raging hormones and new ideas, peer pressure, pressures of school and life in general. If you take your time when they growing before this stage to make them the best person you can. Their teenage years are still full on but will be far easier and when it all snaps a falls into place for them and the day that they turn to you and say wow mum/dad I'm sorry I was such hardwork and I know understand where you were coming from and appreciate all that you have done even though didn't really get it at the Time, I do now My partner's 21 year old son at the time went to his father with these words. I personally believe. Sometimes they learn to swim best if they are just left to it once they know the theory.. Anyway all is connected.
I liked Theresa's post. They shut you out... and I don't mind throwing in the life saver when they need it, but i wish there was a way for me to get her not to shut me out in the first place. Could perhaps avoid the life saver issue later.
My 4 year old and I have been down this road. She has a disorder called sensory integration disorder. Some of her moodiness is because I couldn't understand what she was needing to calm her down. Now we have a every 2 hour routine of jumping of a trampoline, spinning in circles, and dancing. In between we do a lot of coloring. It is her way of relaxing doing art. She has a lot of other neurological problems but this is the worst. We have also cut out red dyes from her diet and found that she has allergies to egg protein and milk protein. Her moodiness has calmed down a lot since we have figured out the cause of the problem.
You just show them that it's okay to have emotions but they should still be considerate towards you and others in the family. If kids, no matter if boy or girl, learn that the world revolves around them, they will grow up to be self absorbed and always carry an attitude of entitlement like they should get preferential treatment. You as a parent must maintain their respect in you, if you allow them to get away with too many things that are not right, they will not respect you and you won't have a fulfilling healthy relationship if you fear losing their friendship or allegiance. As a parent, you will always have to love your child more than he/she loves you and allow them to distance themselves from you at some point but if they respect you, they will always come back to you for parental love. That's why parenthood is not for the faint of heart and why not every fertile person is meant to be a parent
If your daughter is moody or temperamental I think you should sit down with her and discuss what the problem is Give a big comforting hug and pray with her, God has all the answers. God Bless all
I can't believe the answer suggesting chocolate has the highest votes? Seriously? The lesson learned then by kids is, having a tough day, eat a candy bar? Candy is the solution? Really? Next Generation of emotional eaters borne from this blog? I'm stunned.
I truly love the answer by the mom with the four daughters, Sarah Simms. A bad mood usually is a decision. You decide how you want to feel essentially. Now kids, they need a break on this and they need to be treated gently, but also you need to tell them the best way to handle themselves. Kids use their parents as a mirror. I am going to act this way, suss out how the parental units respond, and then either incorporate or discard the behavior based off the parents reaction. We forget how little they know, or how much we have learned about societal norms and values from our parents. I do totally of course believe their hormones drive them over the edge, their little bodies are changing and growing, they have these explosions of emotions that they can not articulate. I mean sometimes I am in a bad mood and I just cant figure out why and it looms over me, and sometimes the answer is just something small and insignificant, but it builds up inside of you. So the general thing I believe is long term bad moods are not tolerated at home. They are not to be encouraged. When you notice your daughter (or son) in a bad mood you ask them if they're upset, ill, hungry, tired, etc... if you can do anything to help them. A hug always helps. Lots of empathy helps. And then my favourite thing I do for my own general grumpiness or moodiness is putting things in perspective. You literally have to force yourself to practice gratitude for what you DO have going for you in your life. I mean looking at others, thinking how you could help them automatically makes you feel better about your situation. I mean when my 6 year old says she got picked on at school by a bigger kid, we turn it into an empowering situation, where I ask her how she handled herself, did she make the right decisions, and then the tables are turned, she instead can have empathy for her aggressor, and learn she has worth, and the bad moods diminish. I honestly feel like bad moods come from poor communication and feeling isolated. Then there are other factors too, like wanting things you cant have (like a $40 toy randomly in June), not owning up to lies (even when you have been caught out and feeling bashful and ashamed and turning it into moodiness), and general sulkiness. All times when dear daughters are sent to their rooms to give them some space so they can generate their own perspective and their own views. Generally within 15 minutes of silence (or crying) in their rooms I have little wet eyed daughters coming to find me to say they feel better and that they love me. The storm clouds dissipate and Sulky Susan leaves the house for the day.
Give the space they need, usually my teen needs to chat with friends and later she will share with me but they usually need time to themselves and don't push the issue because it will push them away.
I was the moody daughter - and I am thankful that I had parents who were parents, who were consistent and fair and who listened to me. I knew they always loved me. I know because my mum would always tell me - I don't like you right now, but no matter what happens, what you do or say, I will always love you.
I now have my own daughter and whilst she is very young, she has her fair share of mood swings. I hope that she will always feel loved the way that I did.
As the moody daughter my advice is give some space, be consistent if you say no stick to it, and know that your kid is most likely miserable just because they are. And knowing that they can rely on you to be there is the most important thing them, even when they are telling you they hate you.
Mine will be 13 in March. Try and keep calm, ask her what's going on, what's wrong. If she says nothing but is still moody I let it go for a bit. When she gets snotty or any kind of disrespectful, I hault it. Sometimes that's when she breaks down and talks. Sometimes she needs to go in her own room and chill out. It depends on what has happened, what's on her schedule, and where she's at in her monthly cycle. Since she started that I can almost bank on those wonderful 7-10 days of mood swings. She is a good kid and can be very sweet and considerate. Just have to keep plugging away and remain their parent vs. their friend.
Sometimes their moodiness has a lot to do with a self-esteem issue and on other occasions it just might be horomonal. Whichever or whatever, it is our job...as parents to skillfully dig until we find the answers we need to help them more smoothly navigate through their moodiness. I have an 11 year old granddaughter who is moodie 85% of the time. Often it's because she can't have her way. We do not indulge her bad behavior...nor do we condone it. There are just some behaviors that should not be tolerated or they will become ingrained negative behaviors that work against them as they journey through life. Administering an Xtra dose of TLC will help them to feel special and loved as they work through their growing pains. Lots of "SISTAH POWER" Love, Deborah
Love, love cures everything, if you decide for a cutting comunication response, you will never know the real problem is.
Having a teenage grandaughter living w/me I am dealing with female moodiness which is entirely different from my 3 sons male moodiness. I tell her she has a right to feel anyway she wants, but she does not have the right to subject the rest of us to her attitude! Sometimes I ignore her and when she is ready to discuss her reasons she will come to me. Sometimes I show extra kindness by not feeding it with an attitude of my own.
Not saying I'm very good at this all the time, but "a soft answer turns away wrath". I try to stay calm and speak calmly when the girls get moody and loud. I do try to ask what's going on, but also step in and put the brakes on when one is continually picking at and yelling at the other. Giving the girls alone time helps too. And time alone with mom is often one of the best medicines. We've talked about how it feels to seem to be mad over nothing. Talking it out is really good.
Threaten her. lol. I take away her cell phone, the only thing that seems to matter to her. She turned 16 a couple of months ago, I am refusing to get her drivers license until she matures and changes her attitude!!! It sucks. But she is my life and I love her so very much. She was such a sweet little girl.
Diet is so important for children with sensitivities like those mentioned here. NO food dies, and consider other food allergies. Essential oils are a useful tool, as well as, encouraging her to understand her own emotions. We love a blend called Peace and Calming from Young Living. Encourage her to understand when she is starting to "lose it." What does that feel like? Encourage her to identify this before it gets out of control. And reduce your schedule, if you can. Too much stimulation and being busy can be triggers. My 10 year has been this way all her life. We are finally finding solutions that do not cause everyone to be frustrated or upset.
I have an 8 year old daughter and at times it really feels like she is the ruler of the house. If she is having a bad day....the rest of us know it because she is a ticking time bomb. I have tried EVERYTHING to try and redirect her emotions. I have tried talking to her....no success. I have tried punishments (time out, grounding, taking things away, etc) and that only adds fuel to the fire. It's almost like she's bipolar sometimes. I have taken her to several specialty clinics and NONE of them can find anything "wrong" with her. She is "all over the map" with disorders. There is no way you can convince me that an 8 year old has 30+ different disorders. So they don't even know where to start checking what might be "wrong" and I don't know where to start with helping her cope with whatever is going on. Everyone (school, grandparents, etc) give into her when she is throwing a fit. She has learned that if she throws a fit long enough she will get what she wants...except with me. Only thing that I have found that works is let her throw a tantrum. Send her to her room and let her "scream it out". Eventually she comes and apologizes for being a "jerk". We talk about it and discuss WHY she was throwing a fit. I tell her that freaking out and screaming will not get her what she wants. Things are getting a little better. This has been a 4 year process :/ She doesn't throw fits nearly as often. I am not sure if it's because of our "talking it out" after her blow ups or if she is just growing out of it a little. As a single mom it gets draining. Honestly dreading waking her up fearing that she's going to wake up in a bad mood and I have to send her to school. I am truly hoping she is just growing out of it and realizing (because I have put my foot down with those that surround her and were giving her what she wanted) that you get better results when you "talk" rather than "freak out". It is definitely stressful and an emotional roller coaster dealing with a child that you want to help and there are soooooo many possibilities that are causing/adding fuel to her moods.
I like Lorinda's answer. However, if the moodiness is not stress but rebellion, I would simply ignore her, she will speak to me sooner or later
OK, My Story is a little different. First of all, I like to congratulate, Sarah Simms!!~! :) :) :) ~~!!! What Book did you Read? LOL!~!! I not only like your methods of discipline, although, I have not done Much Spanking, I TOTALLY AGREE with your methods!!! I am Now the mother of a3 girls, ages, 28, (Just Married, 9-17-11), Now we are expecting our First Grand Baby. I say We, As in my daughter, and Myself; as I have been a single mom, for Most of their lives; although I have 2 girls, and 1 son, by a 15 yr. relationship, which their father, finally stopped acting stupid, and actually they have been in his custody for 16 yrs. The 28 yr. old daughter, followed by a son, age 23, have been on their own for 5 yrs. now!!! My Emily is 17, and remains with him. He also lives with his parents. My last , age 16, resides with me, my mom, and 3 1/2 yrs.. ago, my brother came to live with us, due to illness. So it is 3 by a 15 yr. relationship. One, 16 yr. old Daughter, by a short, failed marriage. The situation is a whole other story. I unfortunately had been diagnosed with stage iv, Breast Cancer, when my 17 yr. old was age, 5. I will have to Continue, Have appt. to keep. Be back around 9:00 pm.
never forget to love her,and be a patient Mother.
I ask her is she PMSing then she ask me the same and she gets thats she is acting moody and needs to explain her behavior. If that fails a class of wine for me and stay out of her sight! LOL
Mostly i accept it. Everyone has their moods. I get moody too. Hugs, Humor, Ice cream, walks, dark chocolate help. Get from her how she wants/expects you to deal with her when she gets moody. If she cannot shake a bad mood, get some medical advice.
Your question is kind of broad. How exactly is she moody and why?
CHOCOLATE!!! THAT'S MY ANSWER LOL!!!
Have a 5 YO Granddaughter and she is ok in school but when she steps in the front door of our home (where she lives) she starts whinning. There are times we can't understand what she is saying because of the whinning. Its like she doesn't know what the words, hush, stop, no, be quite,means PLEASE HELP US.
I was surprise to hear my 3 year old answer back and have the mood swings of a preteen! However I quickly realized that she was first, testing her boundaries, second she was trying to act like mommy (specially when she puts her dolls and stuffed animals in time out for not listening to her) and last that it was her defense mechanisim to deal with mommy not being "happy". I noticed that sometimes I am focused on what I am doing and she will ask me something and when I answer back she gets defensive. I let it go and a few seconds later she comes asking "mommy are you happy?". It daunt on me that she thought I was mad and therefore was simply reacting to my non-verbal cues! Always remembering that "Children learn what they see" is helpful in watching how I behave in front of her and asking additional questions about what she is experiencing at preschool.
My daughter is very head strong...at the age of nine she always knows what she wants.But sometime I know her choice may not be good for her in future ,then I have to be clear at that tim,e ..that no other option is better for her...that is always difficult time for mhe.She doe't understand without logics..and even if she understand she makes sure that her idea should be followed.Then I tell her the stories where the simmiler act(of her choice was done..and the consequences were adverse..) And I remind her that last time I had listened to her when it was genuine this time she should understand why mumma is saying this .But that time I have to be firm b'coj the children have there own ways of deviating you.And if not that time then also keep trying as there would be a time wn ur child will understand the reasons behind what u say.Keep saying what's best for them ...one day it will workj.
wondering what i had ever done to deserve what has happened i have always supported her
I have a 6 year old who is very disrespectul to us and even some visitors - and she does not grasp the concept of 'be nice to us and we will be nice to you'. We do deal with this behaviour with time outs, stopping treats and generally ignoring the obnoxious behaviour but this is getting harder as she seems to lack that caring element which should come out when someone knows how much they have hurt another person. I've been in tears so many times because of her hurtful words and actions but still she continues in the same vain the following day and sometimes even only a few hours later the same day! If anyone can offer any words of wisdom, as to what to do next please - I am listening!
i would like to know as my daughter can be very moody
I guess, we can pray for her.. every night, you can lay your hands on your kids and just pray for them.. and trust God that they will change.. Believe and you will receive whatever you ask in prayer, as long as it is with in God's will.
Sorry I can't help you there, I'm still trying to figure it out. Don't really know what to do myself. It is my granddaughter that I am having trouble with. She's 11 going on 30, and thinks everybody should do whatever she wants.
As a baby, she lived with her other grandparents, and they spoiled her terribly. She was allowed to do whatever she wanted. Don't get me wrong, I spoiled her myself, but I tempered it with discipline. I didn't let my own kids get away with anything, why on earth should I let my grandchild.
Anyway, she is a problem we are still trying to come to terms with. Had her tested. Doctors say she is fine. When she is in school, or anothers home, she is good as gold. She comes into our home (which is her home too) and destroys it. She is belligerent, lazy, and violent when she doesn't get her own way. Tried to talk with her, find out what is going on, but she stares at me and starts to make up stories. Tried punishing her, she asks for more. She truly doesn't seem to care about anybody but herself. I was telling my daughter, I would like to put her in Brat Camp. She said she was to young yet, but it was tempting. Need some other views and ideas please.