What do you do when your 11 year old boy hits you when he gets frustrated?
Kids express anger in different ways, and some express it with physical violence. How should you handle it if your 11 year old son hits you when he is angry?
At 11 he is also starting the puberty stage and the surges in testerone. Most boys do become more aggressive during this time. I would make sure he has plenty of outlets for his energy. Track, karate, basketball... Talk to him about how he expresses his anger and give him suggestions / alternatives to dealing with it. A punching bag, hand squeezer... Also, during this time a counselor can really help.
Most of the kids that are expressing their frustration in this form have other issues to go with it. I would know because I have a child that is in this situation, and it is getting better. Most parents that that are in this situation, have have children that express their need or want not being met and so they child throws a temper tantrum as a result. Even though they have addressed the not giving in to the child at the usual 18 mos developmental time frame, it is apart of the way our children process. How do you address this then when they are getting older? Well, clear directions that if they behave as baby throwing a temper tantrum they will be treated as one. The child needs choices in their decision making process and a cause/effect relationship. If you kick the choice are time in your room for a number of minutes (time outs are supposed to be number of minutes per/age, but I find not enough time to change the behavior-I double it for physical expression), no tv or computer for the day (outcome relevant to their collateral and value), going to bed at an earlier bed time. The other thing is teaching the child how to cope by modeling more appropriate responses once they have had a cooling off period, and then practicing during future physical instances until the child can do it on their own. (ie. breathing, using their words to self-talk, learning to tell the person they are frustrated with). Also, a therapist and doctor assistance is necessary.
No child of mine is going to hit me for any reason angry or not have the cops in your district scare the hell out of him. It worked for my oldest daughter when she tried it.
Don't ignore it, that's for sure. It most jurisdictions, at age 14, if the police are called, there's a mandatory booking into jail on suspicion of domestic violence. Counseling seems critical.
I met my stepdaughter when she was 11. She was/is severely troubled. At 14, she attacked her father. At 17 she ran away from home. I doubt she will finish high school and honestly, I am glad that she lives with her mother now.
Despite the best medical care, counseling in three different venues (school, mentor, private psychologist), special-ed plan at school, and all the efforts we both made, we had these problems. Her dad says now that there's a lot he didn't know and that he would deal with differently... and anger management education at an earlier age is top of the list.
At that moment, in his teens, I was stunned but not too stunned to react with a defensive maneuver and lay him face down on the floor with knee between his shoulder blades until he calmed down. I informed him I would let him up as soon as he calmed down but he would never be allowed to hit me. I saw it coming, he'd been sizing himself up against his 5'5" 118 pound mom and this was the day he pulled back to hit me. I did not hurt him, did not slam him to the floor or drop kick him but bent his knees with a leg sweep and with arm around his collar bone and opposite underarm literally laid him on the ground. The knee between the shoulder blade was to prevent his rising until he calmed. I'm not into being hit and he was 12 and bigger than me.
Next, we had a long talk about hitting mom and more appropriate ways of handling his anger.
1) Talk to me about the real issue.
2) You can't always expect to get your' own way.
4) Play hard physically
5) Boxing, Karate, Basketball, Baseball or Football to get aggressions out
6) Writing letters to person he is angry with with reasons why and the option to shred it after.
7) Talking to a counselor in confidence.
*** He chose to swim more when angry, to join a Karate class for more self discipline, to write down the issue and what he could do and the possible outcomes, to talk to me more often about the real issues he was upset about. Turns out he was genuinely upset over the amount of time he had to invest in homework due to his Dyslexia which he was also angry over and how little time that left for other things and that in light of that I wasn't allowing him freedom for enough other activities. Which got me to ease up on him concerning the homework and allow 2 sleepovers every month one at our home and one at a friends, fishing trip with dad at least once a
month when his dad was home, more games with me, more swimming with friends between end of school day and homework. An honored end of homework time whether he was finished or not. Time that was just for talking about him, me, us in which neither was allowed to answer the phone or the door, or cook and other activities.
Our relationship improved greatly and he never tried to hit me again.
I am a huge supporter of getting both the family doctor and counsellor involved if my child becomes so angry that he feels he must hit me, or others.
That being said, I also work with adults with developmental disabilities and have been trained to restrain. When my sons were 17 and 14 they became very angry with each other and started swinging at each other. I grabbed the one son who was the most out of control and put him in a restraint until he was calm. I talked him down while I was restraining him.
That evening we had a family meeting about the days' events and how this was unacceptable. We discussed other strategies they could both use, ie. walk away to cool down, come and talk to me and we would work it out together, etc. There was never another incident so there was no reason to involve the family doctor or counsellor. However, both sons were aware they would be taken to counselling and would work out their problems there if it was to challenging to work out their problems in our home environment.
So for me I would say restrain (to prevent yourself from getting hit), talk, and if needed immediately seek counselling. I would also access my family doctor as this could be something to do with thyroids or something that isn't known about.
first you are the parent i know some people think that it is wrong to disapline your child but you should never allow your child to hit you know matter what because then he or she think that it is okey to abuse their parents and it is not children will grow up hitting you more because you is scared of your own child dont get me wrong i have never had to hit my girls i have four and i have one with behavior problems i learned of these problems when she was 5 years old and i got help. and you could try aeayc and they can direct you to the right people and if that do not work try the 3 strikes with him and that is what i did with my children the 3 strike put hands on him dont let him hit you because you is an good parent and why i am saying that is because kids can make you want to give up on him and you dont just like i did not on mine the ages of my children are 26,19,18,10 and they can tell you i never had to put hands on them much that is where the three strikes come in at. my oldest i hit twice age 19 and 23 my second oldest 1 time, 3 oldest none yet they know my limit as there mom . but dont give up god is so good he helped my daughter and me
WOW! That is NEVER a way to express anything (frustration or anger or whatever) to anyone and should NOT be tolerated under any circumstances. PERIOD. That is assault and for whatever reason this is happening (new or just getting old?) he needs to be told "Hands and feet to ourselves" However, if you hit him other times when YOU get frustrated....perhaps not the example to lead. Teaching a child to solve their problems without violence is critical to minimize future domestic violence in their life and adult consequences. My son is 11 and I cannot imagine him ever hitting me or anyone with emotion behind it and its been a life long lesson. Good luck to you and I hope it all works out.....
well all i have to say - as a parent that has experienced something similiar to this. my advice is to NOT let this continue!! i have 4 son's - they r all over the age of 18 now...and taking into consideration that he is still quite young and ur job is to teach him right from wrong and the consequences..This is NOT a behavior or reaction to situations in which he can not control - either way. If he learns or begins to think this is ok..then it will be more and more difficult to change - control as he gets older and grows BIGGER. Do not make the mistake of thinking that he will grow out of this behavior or that it is a one time thing..etc.. because if he has done it already and finds that there was or will not be any consequence for this...then he will continue to think or use this as an outlet to deal with his frustration. Look for a way for him to "cope" when this happens... my son loves music!!!! He has an ipod ... so when he is having a difficult or frustrating time dealing.. or coping...we suggest he take a few "time out" - minutes to sit and reflect on the situation!! and then go back to it and discuss it after cooling off... good luck and God bless!
i will let him know it's wrong for him to do dat and tell him not to do dat again, so dat he would nt grow up to become a bully. it's very important so dat he would know hw to control it's temper when he grows up.
There is no hit or miss methods when it comes to dealing with your children. What may work for one, may not work for the other. But I have found that dealing with the violence issue straight away has worked. I am also very conscience on what they watch as well. What their friends get away with their parents is not going to work with me, as their parent. They seem to have developed appreciation that I will not limit their choice but I will deal with their behaviour as I see fit. It is my job and duty to guide them through the turmoil that we call life. So is it acceptable for our two year old to hit us? Or why is it so unacceptable for our 11 year old as well? Are they not both lashing out in frustration? I've made it very clear that I have a no hit policy at home. They have been trained from a young age that there is consequences for their actions. Be it with word or hand, but always tempered with loving kindness. And I am very grateful that I have their father's full support on this issue. So they know that they can't use that way to lash back at me. But you should make clear that you do not accept that kind of behaviour. No matter what issues they are dealing with. Hitting out at their mother is a big no-no. We don't take it from the bigger males, why should we take it from the boys? Why, because he is a child and doesn't know any different. I do believe that excuse went out the back door in the ninety's. And if some of the stuff that my own children have come home with from school. The age of innocence has gone.
Hi, actually I was attending a good workshop on anger management for children. I can't remember the tips now, but I do remember that many things that we thought were good weren't helpful. I will try to find the worksheet and send you the info, meanwhile I found this book on Amazon, it has mostly great reviews, a lot of them, so maybe try to order it from a library
I would defiantly talk about the fact that hitting is not the way to go... and i would let them know that those behaviors could lead to more serious actions like involving police... i would use the scare tactic and have an office come talk to him tell him what happens to boys that hit and how they turn out... even a trip to the local jail to see where people that abuse or fight end up!!! seriously that behavior has to come to an abrupt end or it will go down hill fast!!!
You don't let him. But if you ALLOW your child to hit you.....then you need to correct what you just allowed IMMEDIATELY.
I use the word "ALLOW", because that's what happens. If you are facing your child in the heat of an argument, or you are looking at your child....then you will be AWARE of the possibility of it happening, and especially if it has happened before. You would then be able to PREVENT a hit, if you were in that position. Regardless, aggression of this kind of self-expression, should ALWAYS be addressed IMMEDIATELY-WITHOUT DELAY. The only thing that should prevent you from addressing this negative and harmful emotion, is an emergency.
You need to IMMEDIATELY inform your child that this type of behaviour WILL NOT BE ACCEPTED EVER-UNLESS he is being physically harmed and he has to use it as a self-defense mechanism used to potentially save his life or others. Then you should ASK your child why he thinks it's ok to hit when he gets frustrated? Let your child know you aren't that upset about it. And you would be upset probably, but I would be CONCERNED more than anything. The only way you will get the answer from your child, is to SHOW your child a POSITIVE EXAMPLE FROM YOU, about dealing with frustration.
SO. COOL YOUR JETS when your child hits you. Find out why, and while doing so, maintain your composure. Tell your child something like this: "Look I'm really FRUSTRATED (and use this word) and upset that you hit me." "This is not acceptable behaviour and I will not tolerate it." Then say:
"I AM NOT MAD OR UPSET WITH YOU." But, I'm still a little frustrated that you felt like you had to hit me." In the future, when you feel like hitting me or someone else, I want you to come talk to me about it. I will always be here for you." THEN DO IT. DO AND SAY WHAT YOU MEAN TO DO.
Then ask your son if he wishes to talk about it? If not, so be it. Don't FORCE your child to talk about it. You gave him the option to do so, therefore backing up what you said earlier. And he knows there will be consequences the next time he hits you or someone else. Follow through next time if he does it again. It needs to be a consequence he wouldn't like. Not spanking either. Spanking is a form of hitting. What lesson would you be teaching your child if you spanked him...if spanking is a form of hitting and he is in trouble for.....hitting?
Know what I mean? Good luck!! Have patience with him. Keep the faith!! :)
You would have to let your child know that hitting someone is not an option. My son is 11 years old and he tried to hit me one time and I let him know real quick that if he hit's an adult or any other child, I will put him on punishment for a few days and also talk it over about what happened.
I would hit him back and ask him if he likes being hit. Sometime the shock of receiving the same action that they have done is enough to make a child stop bad behavior. For all of you out there that are against my suggestion just remember that sometime a time out or grounding doesn't work for all children.