How much privacy do teens have a right to?
19 Answers
What should you do when you read your teen's text messages and are shocked with what you find?
If you are shocked by a text message your teenager has written or received, would you confront them about it? How else could you handle the situation?
40 Answers
46 Votes
I would without a doubt confront her with it. My kids know that as long as they're living in my house, they are entitled to no real privacy. If they need to hide what they're saying and doing with their friends, than you can safely assume it's wrong and they know it or they wouldn't be hiding it. I bought the electronic device they're using to text/call on, as well as everything else in their life, therefore, they need to show respect for my rules and wishes. I'm not unreasonable with my requests, just simply - if they want me to trust them...don't give me a reason not to. And if they happen to make a mistake, which all kids do, they expect to receive a consequence. Clear, honest communication + reasonable consequences = a happy, well-rounded teenager/family.
17 Votes
Well, I can see I'm going to be the odd mom out here. Yes, I am old fashioned so to speak. First of all I have a 13 yr old boy and 11 yr old daughter. They all the time give me grief that they want a cell phone and that I'm unfair for not letting them have one "like everyone else."
What did kids do years ago before there were cell phones? They got along just fine and there was not all this danger of them coming in contact with dangerous people and engaging in sexual txting. So therefore my children will not be allowed to have a cell phone until if/when they are in a sport or are doing something after school that they need to call me to come pick them up. I see no need for them to have phones, it is not a necessity!
My oldest boy who is now 23, did have a pre-paid cell phone when he was a teen, only because he was in sports and needed to get a hold of me to pick him up. But back then there was no txting and he knew that he was to use it for certain purposes only. If he wanted to call friends, he used our landline phone.
Now to topic at hand, would I check my children's messages and monitor what they were doing? You bet I would!! If I thought there was something inappropriate going on or their behavior changed I would not hesitate to check their phone and to take it away if need be! I am a very protective mom and I feel in the world in which we live now, you can never be cautious enough when it concerns your children.
My children are not allowed to be on any social sites online, they are monitored as to what they are doing on the net. Some will say that I'm not letting them grow and be independent, but I disagree. I am protective with them, but I always show them examples as to why I try to protect them and what can happen if they fall into the wrong hands or make a bad decision. I feel I'm not smothering them, I'm loving them and showing them that the world in which we live can be dangerous and cruel. And most of the time they agree with me and thank me for being protective of them and loving them like I do. I always talk to my children and am always aware of what they are doing, our lines of communication between all my children are very open and they are not afraid to tell and share things with me. My oldest son has always confided and shared what he was doing and I have always appreciated that very much, that he was comfortable to talk to his mom about anything. Sometimes things I really would rather not want to know, but am thankful that he feels he can talk to me!
But that's my perspective and the way I raise my children and I understand not all parents agree with this method, and that's fine! But I was raised in very much the same way and I feel I turned out to be a very responsible, compassionate, loving person. :)
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Debi - commented on Sep 15, 2011
Bravo! Bravo! Bravo! I couldn't agree more. My kids as well do not have cell phones. My 14 yr old daughter has an ipod that she can text on if she is around wifi, but that's it! My rule is when they are responsible enough to hold a job, they can purchase their own phone. I supply what is neccessary and deserved, not what is desired...otherwise I'd be broke and they'd be spoiled brats. Too many parents today try too hard to be their kids' friends and not their parents. My motto is that it's my job to keep them safe, not make them happy. It's their job to work with what they're given to make themselves happy. Nothing in life is free and my kids are taught that if they want something they have to earn it and that includes respecting my husband and I, our rules and being responsible with their choices.
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Cielo - commented on Sep 15, 2011
I so agree with both your views. It is beneficial to withhold certain things if it is for their own good. there are more perils in providing too much freedom in the use of social network, internet and the cellphone. HOwever there is absolutely no harm in delaying the use of these things until maturity has set in, and that may take awhile. Open Communication is indeed essential in fostering a harmonious relationship founded on trust, respect, clear house rules and a healthy fear of God.
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Laura - commented on Sep 20, 2011
I sort of agree, but I must take exception with one fact. It drives me nuts when adults say "we never had cell phones and we turned out ok." Well guess what, so did our parents and I, for one, am not willing to give mine up, so I don't think it's fair for me to ask my kids to live in the dark ages too. It's progress and fully acceptable as long as parameters are set. Now, that said, if you personally decide it's not right for your kids - that is your decision and I respect it. I just don't think it's fair to suggest they live without them just because we did.
12 Votes
Part of growing up is making mistakes. It is difficult to shelter your children from everything harmful all the time, and if they don't learn it from you they will learn it from somewhere. I want my children to be armed with all sides of the knowledge spectrum. I want them to have all the tools necessary to make good choices, or a backup to get out of the bad ones. As much as I would love to protect them and keep them in a glass box, I know it wouldn't be right, and they wouldn't have a chance to grow up. I will ALWAYS be there to help them, though. No matter what.
10 Votes
I have been there, done that with my then 15yo old daughter who became involved in a very dangerous sexting situation. I found out when I noticed all of the messages on the phone bill. This person(out of state, never met) would not leave my DD alone, and my DD enjoyed it too much to stop. You bet we confronted her, like was said before there is no expectation of privacy in our house. She is very, very smart, but sometimes lacks common sense. Although the messages were disturbing, the problem was the danger of the situation. DD's behavior started going downhill, and after months of this problem we contacted the police about this person, and DD has been without a phone since last October 22. That day she got caught sneaking her phone and had over 1000 messages in a DAY. Be careful of respecting privacy, kids are kids, and what you may feel is innocent and normal may spiral totally out of control. I shudder to think where my DD could be if we hadn't intervened.
8 Votes
That depends on what you see. Is it something dangerous? Inappropriate? Embarrassing? I have always taught my kids never to write, text, take pictures of anything they would not want the whole world (me and their father included) to see. I have shown them real life examples of peoples lives being ruined by things they have thought would be private (ahem....Anthony Weiner). I also try very hard to remember that I said and did a lot of things that I would not want my mom to know and I turned out pretty ok. Doesn't make it right but it is a part of being a kid. Keep the lines of communication open without immediate condemnation and your kids will find you a trusted ally on their journey!
6 Votes
Confront your child. Your entire job as a parent is to monitor and shape behavior. Turning a blind eye because your child is "mature" or because you think they should have "privacy" is abdicating your role as a parent. I really do not understand the thought process behind parents that say to ignore it. I am not advocating that you "blow your stack" as others have indicated, but certainly a conversation is appropriate and needed.
6 Votes
I for one check my 15 almost 16yr old daughters phone often and take it away a far bit too. I have even had to go to the point of calling the boys who have been texting her and told them if i see anymore of the sort that I would get their parents involved also. In this day and age you cant trust alot of what other people out there are doing. How much about people do you really know? This is a different world than I grew up in. With cell phones, computers and internet you never know what or who is out there. I will make sure my childeren including my boys grow up to be respectful, caring, honest people with morals. Which you do not see alot of these days.
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Martine - commented on Oct 12, 2011
So, ... how would you recommend going forward with your suggestion to "get their parents involved also." ? I am in the position of needing (I believe) to contact my son's "girlfriend". They've both been sharing some pretty racy texts, and my husband and I believe it's reasonable for us to contact the girl's mother. Anybody have any actual experience with this?
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Chris - commented on Oct 12, 2011
I would just go and talk to the mother. The girls mother probably has no idea what her daughter is getting up to. I would also not come out first by saying "your daughter has been...." I would say " I just wanted to have a talk with you about our kids" and " this is what our kids have been doing"
4 Votes
My 15 yr old son broke our "circle of trust" so I in return had to invade his so-called "privacy" by searching through his text messages for answers. My son has always been very bright, charismatic, upfront, honest and open with our family. So as you can imagine, it came to quite a surprise to receive an alarming call from one of my son's screaming parents that their child was fighting for their life in the ER after indulging in drugs with my son. We had just dropped our kids off at a school dance not even 20 minutes prior! I searched through his phone and found all that I needed to know about what was going on in his life at the time since he was "too high" and too accustomed to lying at this point to give straight answers. The family wanted to press charges but it took the Grace of God to save the life of their son and to help his mom remember what a decent human being my son was - she had always called him a "good kid" and his good reputation had preceded him. We found out that the weed my son purchased was laced with several types of harmful known and unknown street drugs. My son was not aware of this and later regretted this decision. The only reason why my son did not "flip out" the way his friend did was because of his body weight and athletic build in comparison to his friends small build and low body weight- but my son was still "high as a kite" that night and if I would have periodically performed a cell phone check that entire incident could have been avoided. Both boys are really great kids- it’s the world we live in today and teenagers are susceptible to the pressure of their peers and culture to NOT go against the grain. It is OUR DUTY as good parents to try our best in making sure they do and to shape them into becoming well balanced, productive adults who are capable of making appropriate decisions. I periodically check both of my boy’s cell phones- especially when their behavior changes and they become a little bit more “sneaky” or their attitude increases and they are more defensive. Some things I let go but others, I act upon and help to avoid what could be another potentially life altering situation.
2 Votes
Absolutely!, you should confront your child. It is your job as a parent to TEACH your child appropriate, and inappropriate. If you don't confront them, how are they supposed to learn! We as adults made a conscious decision to procreate, therefore it is our job to raise these babies up to be outstanding, upstanding members of society. It is our job to train them in the way they should go, what they should say, and how they should act. It isn't anybody else's job, just OURS! If you don't raise, and train your child when there children, then you will be one of those parents later in life that says " I had no idea my child was capable of that", after they've shot up a public place. We have to step up, be nosey, be inquisitive, ask questions, answer all the hard questions, free up your time and spend it with them, know their friends, know their friends friends, know where they work, know their teachers, ask their teachers what you can do to assist them in teaching your child, check homework, you know BE IN THEIR LIFE! Their counting on us!
2 Votes
We made it clear the day our two boys got their phones (beginning of middle school) that the phone was a privilege that we owned & paid for. They knew they had no expectation of privacy & that passwords could not be changed without consequences. The same holds true for e-mail & social networking. We make NO APOLOGIES for it either. We were not put here to be their friends - I prefer friends closer to my own age. They know that when they can pay for their own computers, cellphones & internet access ( not just for their 1/4 of the monthly bill, but their own accounts!) they can have the "privacy" they claim to need. They have both been saved from stupid choices because of this policy & were grateful to have been saved = in one instance, when another participant's parents were called, I got a lecture about violating my son's & her son's privacy & was told that it was none of my business what her son was texting mine. Oh Yeah??? Wanna Bet? Her son paid a high price for his privacy; both physically & legally, while my son got to sigh a HUGE sigh of relief and thank us profusely. Nuff said!!!!!!!
2 Votes
I have two children one is 9 and she doesn't have a cell phone. My son is 14 and he does have a cell phone. He is very active at school and has lots of activities where he needs to call me to pick him up. I check his phone on a regular basis. He is a very mature and honest 14 year old. We have never had any trouble out of him. However the fact that he is a 14 year old male teenager and my job is to be his parent not his close friend at this age. If I were to ever find anything shocking. He would lose his phone asap and there would be other consequences. These parents that say well thats what teenagers do. That is nothing, but a huge cop out. He would have to earn his phone back and also my trust depending on what was found. So yes I would absolutely confront them about it.
2 Votes
We just went through a huge custody battle over my husband's children from a previous marriage. They are ages 15 (almost) and 11. The Guardian Ad Litem said no parent is allowed to check text messages or Facebook so good luck addressing these issues with your children. Of course we think it is ludicrous. Basically, they want us to the give kids the same rights as you would another adult. They wonder why kids get pregnant and hooked on drugs earlier and earlier. DUH!
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Stephanie - commented on Sep 20, 2011
What are your thoughts?
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Kelly - commented on Sep 22, 2011
What state are you from? The only way I will let my 16 year old daughter have a Facebook, e-mail, or anything else is if I know the password. We tried the "please trust me and let me change my password" thing, but it didn't work out. We caught her EXPLICITLY chatting back and forth with several guys, one of which was a 21 almost 22 year old. As far as the computer goes, I would say, if it is "against the law" to check their messages and such, I would put a password on the computer that only you and your husband know. When she needs to get on the computer, you will have to put the password in for her (without her looking), and she will have to sit in the room with you while she is online. That way, you aren't spying or checking on her, per se, but, hopefully, she wouldn't be stupid enough to say something inappropriate with you in the same room where it could be seen. As far as the cell phone goes, we use AT&T, and they have a package you can get on your child's phone called Smart Limits for Wireless. Here is the link for more information: http://www.att.net/smartcontrols-SmartLimitsForWireless Also, here is the link for AT&T Smart Controls which shows other options available: http://www.att.net/s/s.dll?ep=16594&ch=smct I too think that this is ludicrous!! We are PARENTS! Apparently, somewhere along the way, the government has forgotten that bit of information! I feel like, until my daughter turns 18 years old, I am going to do WHATEVER I have to do to keep her safe and out of trouble, and, if someone from the court system or DCS or whoever else tells me I can't, then they better be ready to tell me what I CAN do instead! My husband and I have also dealt with the court system since my daughter was 6 years old, so I understand what you are dealing with and going through. (She is actually my stepdaughter, but I am currently the only mother she has because her bio mother is no longer in her life.)
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Stephanie - commented on Sep 29, 2011
Thank you for your comment, I'm sorry I just saw it. I am from Virginia. I'm serious, our own lawyer blasted us (the stepmom also) in a room full of lawyers. Said "they are good kids they don't need to be watched like that"... I was a good kid too but found myself having premarital sex at 15. We were trying to prevent that. Plus, my stepdaughter's mother had a baby at 16 also. They say that the chances are higher for children with teen moms to have a baby when they are teens. I tried to state my position but they didn't want to hear it. This is a sad era we are in.
1 Vote
I have a 13 year old , he just became a teenager this year and I read his text messages and he was texting his so called girlfriend and I was checking them as I do. I found a message with him telling her he loved her at 13, not so much that it was inappropriate but just that it was way too soon to be talking about he loved her..lol I was definitely shocked, but we talked and I explained it to him that his female family members are the only females he can love right now and he has plenty of time for all that. So yes I would absolutely, confront him and my kids are still kids so there is no privacy, no closing doors unless you're dressing or bathing and I will and do check their phones, text messages etc.
1 Vote
Take it away - and don't give it back. Obviously the child isn't ready to communicate in a responsible manner. Ours don't have them to start with. If their friends want to call them, they can call the house line - and if we aren't home, they can wait, because nothing is that urgent when you are 16. Emails are Bcc's to both of us, mom and dad, and they knew that what the rule when they asked for an email account. Our kids know that if you can't say it to your parents, you shouldn't say it to your friends.
1 Vote
why would you be reading your childs text messages. control freak much??? Id prefer my kid to be sexting rather than having actual sex. at least that way she cant catch a disease or get pregnant. stop being a prude. its inevitable that teens in puberty are going to be interested in sex.
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Hayley - commented on Dec 11, 2011
And just where do you think 'sexting' is going to lead too???? Just curious do you have any children, and did you not read all the above posts?? Prevention or cure.......
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Tiffany - commented on Dec 31, 2011
Hayley...Michelle must be either a teenager herself or just super immature! "ID PREFER MY KID TO BE SEXTING"...WOW!!!!! And why read a childs text messages?...Hmmmm It's called parenting...I see many many parenting classes in your future....yikes!!!
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Denise - commented on Aug 29, 2012
@ Michelle, WOW!! How can u seriously say tht u "PREFER UR CHILD TO B SEXTING"??? I'm shocked do u have any boundaries for ur kids at all?? Do u sit and drink and smoke with hm too??? So I guess u and ur kids are best friends also right?! U r a parent first u shud not be encouraging ur kids to b engaging in such things. It starts with sexting thn how long do u think it will b b4 ur kids start to have sex? I see by the date of ur post was 2011 I bet ur a grand mother now right? And if ur not thn is only a matter of time till u r!! U need to educate ur kids sit thm dwn and tlk to thm, the world is a very nasty place for our kids u aint got time to let thm run wild. YES i will do ANYTHING to protect my kids cos I love thm and their safty cos first. Michelle I wish u all the best on the future for u and ur kids. Parenting classes r needed here!!!
1 Vote
At 11 my daughter began her begging for a cell phone, we didn't get her one until her 13th birthday. She began extra activities, staying after school, sports, etc. She can call and text, nothing more. I do not feel that she needs to be connected to everything at 13, too much of the internet can be a problem. She has chores to do in order to "make the money for the bill", it is not given to her, she must EARN it. The text messages are a battle that I now fight. I do use her phone as leverage and she loses it quite a bit, due to grades, homework, the 13 yr old attitude. It is a privilege that can be taken away. She was informed from the start that is not a private device. She began deleting them to "hide" them, this lead me to believe there was a reason she was hiding them. This prompted new policy "if I am paying for the service, I have the right to read them". With this said I don't go snooping unless she gives me a reason to do so. I was shocked and appalled at the messages she was getting, I mean WOW. The language used by some of the kids included things that even I try not to say. If there are truly inappropriate texts then I will call parents (haven't had to yet). I try to give her room to grow and learn, yet protect her from the many things in life she truly does not understand, as some of the best lessons learned are the hardest and most painful. I do confront her about the things that are texted, we have candid open discussions about the consequences of her actions or the actions of her friends.
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Martine - commented on Oct 12, 2011
At the time you posted this you had not yet had to call the other kid's parents, but have you now? Hubby and I believe we should contact our son's girlfriend about the texts they've been sharing. Anyone have any experience with this?
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Angela - commented on Aug 30, 2012
Danielle, it's poor electronic housekeeping NOT to delete texts! I used to work for a mobile phone network and the number of people (children, teenagers & adults) who had technical issues with their phones simply because they were sentimental enough to keep every text they'd ever been sent (plus copies of quite a few that they'd sent out themselves). Remember there are websites on the Internet where you can text a mobile phone anywhere in the world for free and it's NOT recorded on your own phone. And the computer used for this doesn't have to be the one in your own home. There are computers with Internet access in schools, colleges, neighbourhood community centres, public libraries etc ... Sounds like American kids are way behind British kids in stuff like this! When we went over there on holiday (vacation as you call it!) a few years ago my son's cousins were really impressed that he had his own phone at 14, LOL!! In the UK, kids take this for granted. Personally I wouldn't like a kid under the age of 10 to have one though.
1 Vote
I would confront them and ask them what is the meaning of the text. Ask questions depending on the answer. Also, find out what are the intentions behind the texts.
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Alexa - commented on Sep 21, 2011
My daughter is 15 and I do not agree for her to have a cell phone. She wants to be like all the other teens but I will not allow it.
1 Vote
I would confront my child, I made the mistake already of getting mad and responding to the person , and the school well we know the schools are not great at listening to the wole story, So the person that really was not that involved but was my daughters best friend took the brunt of i, and it ruined their friendship. I am sorry for that to this day. I should of just tlked to my daughter then her friends parents.. the scholls go overboard on too much.
0 Votes
before i start let me tell you that i am 19 years old no kids & i disagree with all of you let me tell you why. i want to share how my mother raised me a kid who has done many drugs drinks, sexually active and probably should not be alive today because of the situations i get into and i think my mom handled my life perfectly. My mother could not have raised me any better yes she was my best friend but she is also my mother. she gave me a phone at 14 and she never once read any of my texts or emails. she let me have myspace as long as she was on my friends list and the same went for Facebook in fact it is a family rule (extended family) that they all be on my friends list and they all frequently monitor my page and ask me questions about the friends i have on there. if there is anyone that seems out of the ordinary she asks me to tell her about them and i am truthful. she has no issue as long as if anything sexual, illegal, or slightly odd happened, i tell her. whenever i would get a text she would ask me who i was texting, to see a picture and what their last name was. if i ever went to hang out with them she needed their number, parents names, and their address. to this day nothing has changed we always talked about drugs and alcohol just to be open.when i actually was using drugs she never said she knew but she gave hints and threats until i got clean all she said was I'm proud of you and left it at that. when i became sexually active she gave me rules that i be on birthcontrol &use condoms as for drinking, she has known since i started at 16 all she asks is that i tell her who I'm with where i am& that i do not get into any car no matter what &text her every hour and when i go to sleep&when i wake up. i owe my life to her and many of my friends do as well because somehow she found the balance between parenting and friendship. I'm telling you from your children's point of view. they will find a way around you the tighter you hold on the worse it is. best of luck
0 Votes
good
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0 Votes
I haven't read the everyone comments. I have one question, if your kids know that you will be checking their text messages one would think they would delete any potentially "parent offensive" message prior to you having access to it?? Just because they know you will be checking doesn't mean they will not engage in that behavior it just means they may have to get sneakier with it.
I do not check my kids phone messages, I try to monitor in other ways. I will on occasion (usually with some type of reason, not necessarily a trust issue but any kind of change in their life) check the phone bill and check those numbers with their contacts stored in icould to find out who they are talking to. I then will take that information and Google it and check whatever comes up, Facebook, tumblr, whatever. The kids do not know that I do this and I have yet to find anything bad but if I did I would find some way of confronting them without letting them know how I found out.
Kids are smarter these days, they aren't using Facebook as much, there are so many other apps out there that parents are not aware of or don't have such ease of access to like Facebook.
0 Votes
I was shocked by a text my daughter wrote and she lost her phone for a couple months, now she has to turn her phone in to me each night and I read everything. If anything has been deleted I tell her I will assume it is something she is ashamed of and she will lose her phone again. she is 13, by the way.
0 Votes
Oh yes! My kids know that I have access to their email accounts FB, phone etc. I do trust my teen daughter but if I found something inappropriate, she would lose her phone for a while...that is for sure! If she misuses the computer/FB, then she loses access to the computer. My youngest was up watching TV in her room during the night and I took her TV for quite some time. She hasn't crossed that line again. They know "Momma doesn't make idol threats!" LOL Because the rules are clear in our home, we don't have to worry about this often....thankfully!
0 Votes
If they receive one, not much I can do about it. But if it's one they happen to be sending, guess what? I paid for the phone, and the service, and you have now been temporarily disconnected until I feel fit to turn it back on.
0 Votes
Apart from the first initial shock, I think you have to have a talk with them. Not confrontational because they are going to feel pretty bad in the first place that you have found them out. But if the content is particularly objectionable, I think it is your duty as a parent, to sit them down and have a chat. If you go on the offensive you run the risk of them clamming up, or them getting beligerent, neither of which is going to improve the situation or get the truth. Tread gently, but tread you must.
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0 Votes
0 Votes
I look at keeping our children safe online and in their digital world against bullies, sexting and predators. The way I do this is by monitoring my child. I use a free service that monitors facebook and it notifies me if my son is threatened, sexually solicited or harassed, or even offered drugs. It has been very useful. It provides me a peace of mind when he is on facebook. I upgraded my service and pay a small fee to monitor his cell phone activity as well. Especially since social media is out there and kids like to upload videos and inappropriate photos. There are many laws today that we parents dont realize that our children take inappropriate photos and post can be construed as manufacturing and distribution of child pornography in some states and we parents get charged with this because we pay for the phone. It is a fine line that is being walked when we do not know what our children are doing with their cell phones. There are free workshops about cyberbullying, sextexting, child predators every Wednesday night at 6:00pm PST at www.abeanstalk.info Please attend, it is great information. If you would like more info, please let me know.
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Nancy - commented on Sep 13, 2012
What service do you use to monitor their facebook and text? I have been looking in to it and would like an opinion from someone who actualy uses one.
0 Votes
To all the people who believe that their kids don't deserve/need (don't know the correct way of phrasing this!) any privacy, can I ask, what happens when they grow up and move out? This is a genuine question as I am undecided on this issue. I suppose I'm just worried that the kids might go completely off the rails with their new found freedom, or they might grow into adults with trust issues.
0 Votes
I'd be thrilled I found them! It's better than not finding anything and knowing their up to something...but you don't know what.
0 Votes
When I allowed my son to finally have a cell phone, he was told not to put any passwords on it and to know that nothing on there would be private. I meant what I said. When I found inappropriate texts, I called the girls' parents, and we all had a lil pow wow. You have to nip some things before it gets out of hand.
0 Votes
Been there & done that.
I sat my son down, explained what I found and explained what I needed to do - Call the girl's mother. He pleaded, and begged. I told him I would think about it.
I stressed for quite awhile before I made the call. And, then another call & then another call. The mother wasn't returning my phone calls. Turns out the girl was deleting the phone messages. BUT - I finally left a msg that the mother found and she called me back.
We had a lengthy conversation. While her daughter was offering 'testicular pleasure' to my son, she was telling her mother how they had shared their first kiss just a few weeks prior. Her mother wasn't aware and was shocked at what she learned from me.
The next day, the girl was crying throughout school and wanted nothing to do with my son. Turns out her father beat the daylights out of her and it took her almost a week to recover from that experience.
A hard lesson.
Would I do it again? I would think twice - but I can't imagine not telling the other parent - because I would want to know.
0 Votes
Why aren't kids simply deleting what they don't want their parents to see? I can't understand this!
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Martine - commented on Oct 20, 2011
My guess is that most kids are not yet "smart criminals", which actually speaks well of them. As long as they make these goofy mistakes, there's hope. :)
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Angela - commented on Oct 26, 2011
It's in the interest of EVERYONE who uses a mobile phone to clear their read texts and their call logs regularly. Any important information that needs to be retained should be noted somewhere suitable instead of having to scroll through dozens of texts to find out a phone number or something! This is simple "good electronic housekeeping"! So if your teenager deletes information from their phone, do you assume they're hiding something or is it now a "crime" to practise good electronic housekeeping? Some models do not automatically save sent messages either. The fact is, you're not going to be there to overhear every personal conversation your child has with friends, so I wouldn't read too much into texts. The child/teenager that wants to cover their tracks can do so quite successfully by accessing a website that offers free texting directly to a mobile phone number of your choice (there are several of these websites on the Internet). They can even do this on a computer at school or in the Public Library so no record is held on the history on the computer in their parents' home. Any text received from a website service obviously does not give the phone number of the sender. In the UK, most teenager's phones are on a Pay-As-You-Go tariff. You have to be 18 to have a phone with monthly billing. Although details of calls and texts sent from a Pay-As-You-Go account are accessible online, any child aged 5 or over can have an account in their own name and of course the online log of what is being done with the phone only has details of outgoing calls and texts. If a teenager bought their own phone and maintains all top-ups at their own expense, what right do parents then have to investigate? Indeed, if a teenager buys and maintains their own phone entirely at their own expense, how do their parents know they even own a phone? Many teenagers have more than one mobile phone. There is lots of scope for maintaining one's privacy. Mobile phones weren't around when I was a teenager. However, if they had been I'm pretty sure I'd have done my homework on the ins and outs of maintaining my privacy long before I even owned my own phone! I used to work for a mobile phone network and believe me, quite apart from teenagers, a good number of adults don't even handle their phones correctly - a whole heap of money could be saved by asking the right questions before you start using any type of mobile phone. THis isn't about being a "smart criminal" it's simply about being a savvy human being!
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hummm...take the phnoe away from her and don't give it backl let her get her own phone
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To all --- we have a 14yo son whose texts to his girlfriend are too racy for our blood. We believe we should discuss this with the girl's mother (her dad's out of the picture). Anyone have any experience with contacting the sexting recipient's parents?
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Yes and took the phone for a year. He was being bullied/threatened. The other family was also confronted/police.
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I have been in that situation with my daughter,at the time she was 15.And yes i confronted her and also took her phone from her for two months! I check her phone from time to time and unless she erases texts it has not happened again.She never knows when i may check it.
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I would with out a doubt confront my child with the situation but walking in I would have already taking some type of action. My situation was a bit different as my daughter was receiving the texts but was not the one responding and she still was in trouble. I would first contact your carrier and suspend their line as punishment and then sit down with my child and explain that having a cell phone is a privilege not a right and the only reason they even have a cell is so that I can get a hold of them not so they can communicate with their friends. Many cell carrier now have very active parental control programs that you can purchase that restrict the from calling number not approved or even receiving calls from numbers not on your approved list... It is our jobs as parents to set boundaries for our children not the other way around. If they don’t like it then get a job and pay the cell bill yourself, that’s the only way that me as a parent would be able to not control the cell and good luck with that because the only way a carrier will do that is at the age of 18 or if they purchased a prepaid cell and bought cards for minutes. Not very fun but it’s a reality! Hope I helped and gave you food for thought
-9 Votes
You have to choose your battles the same with kids! I have seen shocking messages. But not to the point I would be alarmed. I mean if it's about depression or drugs then you should be concerned. Things that may land him in jail etc. But sex conversations is what I found and at 15 it is what I would expect. Not worth blowing my snooping cover over! Though I was still alarmed that he does the things he does.
-12 Votes
I would no more sneak a peek at my daughter's text messages than I would steal and read her diary. That kind of parenting is creepily invasive. If I thought there was a huge problem that had to be dealt with, I sure as heck wouldn't waste time CSI-ing her phone, I'd go straight to the source.
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Renee - commented on Aug 19, 2011
I agree with this, to a point. If you have a teen that is known to lie to you, has been acting strange like they are not themselves, when you suspect something bad in her life is going down and can't believe her because you know she won't tell you the truth, then reading texts and having protective parent controls on your computer might be necessary. However, if you have a child that is mostly open, close to you, and trustworthy for the most part, I would not look into their texts. My daughter loves sharing her texts with me, she's almost 16 and we are very close. She tells me everything, even bad stuff like smoking weed or drinking, so that's refreshing. There was a girl here in Massachusetts that was being bullied online and on her texts, girls telling her to just kill herself, and so she did. So, if my teen was just not acting normal in any way and would not admit to anything being wrong, I'd definately investigate to make sure she was safe. She's my baby, and I lost our first child at 13 months in 1993 so I know what it feels like when your child dies. Our kids don't often clam up though, so we are very lucky. So I say it depends on the situation.
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Jocelyn - commented on Sep 17, 2011
Exactly. The original question in this thread simply begs another, from me, at least. Why would I be looking at my daughter's text messages? In the first place, I'd have to get in the car and drive 14 hours, break into her dorm room like a fat old ninja and hope to hell that her cell phone wasn't clutched in her hand. She is still a teen, but she's in college and absolutely entitled to the same privacy we extended her re: the cell phone while still in high school. If texting is an issue for you...don't sign up for the service. In summary, and to repeat: the only credible circumstance under which I'd be looking at my daughter's text messages would be if I suspected there was a huge situation that required parental intervention and in that case I wouldn't waste time with her cell phone, I'd deal with her directly.
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Janine - commented on Oct 5, 2011
my story has a lil different twist to it. my oldest daughter, she is 26 now, has/had a cell phone, i dnt remember any major issues happening. i now have an 18 year old daughter who has grown up in the era of the "raging cell phone, everybody has to have one, i cant live w/o one era". and it has sucked for the last 3 years about. for my daughter her phone was her way to vent to her friends, she was kind of a loner, she confided in me, hated her sister, and my husband wasnt always home for her. she would text friends all the time, many of these were just text-friends, she never actually saw them, they just texted. so, for my dau it was an outlet, she has ADHD and FAE mildly, and we finally figured this out just within the last 3 months, the FAE part, the ADHD has been hell to deal with. jamie's phone was like an extension of her hand. it went everywhere with her. to the store, to the bathroom, to bed, to school, to a friend's house, wherever. it was like a security blanket for her jus to have it. i would never hav had the opportunity or priviledge to even get close to reading a text she wrote, once in awhile she would tell me when we were hanging out in her room. this was her privacy and she felt truly invaded by someone checking her phone. she would fight u for it on the floor til she got it back from you. the texting became an issue about a year ago, all of sudden her life just got out of control, beer, pot, texting, lying,, taking off and not telling us where she was going. u r right, she was hiding sumthin......she has addict behaviors, and she has to learn how to lkeep them under control or they will control her. both her birthparents r addict/recovering alcohoics. we adopted jamie, Praise God. i wouldve loved to takejamie's phone from her, i had it disconnected about 3-4 times until verizon started charging for thatl then bullying started in our town......we have 2 14-yr old female suicides. soooo very sad. and it was thru fb and texting. iim goad for jamie's needs that i didnt alwayss take jamie's cell away, but i did learn alot about jamie as now she has a 3 week old baby, named harley, so that has slowed her down. ik jamie had texts i should have read. she also became sneaky. it was hell.......so we had alcohol, pot,. addictive behaviors/usage, pregnancy, i guess i feel like we got the lesser of 3 evils. i can deal with a lil baby girl!!! now that jamie has had time to think about life, she uses her phone more sensibly....she is a hard cookie to try to crumble....take it away, i have lesser battles, bit let her have it, it and its so much better for her. i think it is her safet net......
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