What are some good ways biological moms and stepmoms can get along?
We get that trust can be difficult to establish, especially between step parents and birth parents. But for the sake of the kids (and your own peace of mind), what are the best ways you've found to keep the peace with bio moms and step moms?
It would be helpful to draw clear lines around the two houses. Mom is the boss in her house, Dad and the stepmom work out what the parenting situation is in their house. Moms trying to legislate how much input the stepmom has into situations in Dad's house is counterproductive. If there are decisions to be made about the kids that *both* Mom and Dad should have input into, then the stepmom should respect the Mom's boundaries about how much the stepmom will be involved.
Both sides should get in the habit of stepping back and trying to determine what their own real motives are in every situation. Neither side should assume that there's malicious intent if something gets miscommunicated or messed up. And neither the stepmom or the bio-mom should let the children talk badly about each other in front of them, much less reward the kids for it.
My thoughts are this: What about the times when the step mom wants nothing to do with the bio mom? I tried with both step moms my kids have had or currently have. Neither one wanted to do much with me be it talking or anything. I think that they heard just one side of the story from my ex and/or his family about me and made their decision on the type of person I was from that. The current step mom has tried in the past to put her foot down on visitation issues that are the talk of me and the dad, she has tried to get me to allow her to home school my kids with hers (its against the law in my state for any other than guardians or parents to home school kids), and she has also tried to put her thoughts into those major decisions that are up to me and dad. We have joint custody. How do you handle those times? As for rules and such, I have always done what was done before he and I divorced as far as rules and he has decided to do his own thing and not consult me on it. For instance, the kid does something and looses a priviledge....instead of making sure that the said privledge is still lost at my house or his it gets lost in the shuffle.
After reading Anne Robotti's answer, O can't think of anything to add when dealing with cooperative people..
However that assumes all 3 or 4 of the parents/stepparents are willing to respect all of the boundaries.