What's the funniest thing your child has ever done or said?

40  Answers

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rj

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Um.. have you read my blog. These things happen daily, today for example. my 5 year old asked if she could move alone to the next town so no one in her family would bother her. I said, NO, but I might go instead.

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My son was painting at pre-school. All the kids were dipping their brushes into big buckets of paint. Seeing a quicker method, my son decided to dunk his whole head into the yellow paint and proceeded to use his head as a human paint brush. He actually looked adorable, in a tiny punk rocker sort of way. But the clean-up was less than stellar.

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My children are a constant source of amusement for me. There really is no one moment because they are just so darn funny! For example, my daughter built a zamboni out of a cardboard box... she has no idea what one is, but she built one!

I save up all of their little funny things they say for the monthly Fly on the Wall posts I do. Here's a sample:

The Princess: "If I got eaten by a shark, I'd miss my Mommy."
The Professor: "No, you'd be dead."

The Professor: "What is in that?"
Me: "Wheat germ."
The Professor: "Ewwww! You're giving me GERMS????"

All the random things my kids say:

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/2012/12/21/fly-on-the-wall-the-holiday-edition-2012/

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/2013/01/18/fly-on-the-wall-january-2013-the-princess-edition/

http://sadderbutwiser.wordpress.com/2013/02/15/fly-on-the-wall-february-2013-the-professors-edition/

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My youngest son, at 6 months, throwing his first tantrum. Apparently he thought he should be allowed to eat a cinnamon roll too.

With my oldest, it was when he attempted to pump like his mommy. When I saw him, he went "milk!". He was 21 months at the time.

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Years ago when our son was three and our daughter an infant, our neighbor's mother was visiting the US from England. The kids and I spent quite a bit of time getting to know her, as her visits usually lasted several months. Her accent charmed us all, as did her well-spoken phrases and terms of endearment for the children in the neighborhood. I saw her strong influence one evening when, asked about how his baby sister survived her recent doctor visit and subsequent immunization, our son declared, "She was a BRAVE little soldier!" - British accent and all.

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My younger daughter is the comedian and always coming out with stuff that makes us laugh. She recently started saying, "You are disgusting". And one of the times she said this to her father, she was also picking her nose!!

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Last Sunday morning pep talk. Me: 'so Penelope, who is cute?'
Penelope: 'Neon (Leon, her 9 month-old baby brother) is cute, Pepette is cute euh...(hesitating) Aspa (Gaspard, her twin brother), is cute, euh...Papa (quite affirmatively) is cute. Maman (very determined tone) is NOT cute!'

Me: (fake laugh) 'hahaha'

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Once, I was looking for a map on the computer. My son, who was 3 at the time, came up to ask what I was doing. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

Son: Momma, what are you doing?
Me: Looking for a map since I don’t know where we’re going.
Son: Is that because you are a dumbass?

After I got the giggles under control, we had a long talk about appropriate words.

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Top Ten List of Funniest Things My Children Have Said:
1. "Hey Mom, maybe you can come to my school's book fair this week and buy a book on how to be a sweeter mom."
2. "Mom, guess who yells louder you or Daddy? I'll even give you a hint...this person does NOT have a moustache."
3. "Mommy, come and watch me do my new gymnastics move. I am super good at doing hampstands."
4. "And that's why you have me in this family Mom. So you can have at least one smart kid."
5. "Wow! Somebody get up here and see how glittery I am now!"
6. "Hey, I just made a new rhyme. Truck. Rhymes with f#*k. Truck! F#*k!"
7. "Mommy! Poop alert. Or in other words...the dog shit in my room again."
8. "I love you even when you yell. Like really loud yelling. But, just so you know, Grandma never yells at me."
9. "Take a video of me dancing to Justin Beaver and post it to Facebook. You will get so many likes. It'll be super awesome."
10. "Even though I saw that this mac and cheese came out of the freezer, I really still do think you are the best mac and cheese cook ever. Like in the whole world."

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I have three kids, all of whom are still pretty young, so there's a lot of unintentional humor; although my five year old son, is a bit of a comedian. Whether it's on purpose or not, my kids tend to keep me laughing on a daily basis like the time my daughter laid on my back while I was on the couch and told me my "butt was like a Pillow Pet;" or the time she called my breasts "hangers." When my kids aren't slinging "compliments," I'm laughing at the suggestions they have for helping me out like the time my seven year old suggested that I buy place settings made of waffle cones (after eating a waffle bowl at an ice cream party), so that I wouldn't have to do as many dishes. Or then there was the time that the five year old tried to cover up some gum in the dog's fur (no one knows how that got there), by putting a shirt on him.

Maybe not everyone would laugh in these situations, but I think these kids are hilarious.

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My 2-year-old gives impromptu singing performances from her “stage” – a flipped over laundry basket. Recently, when she treated us to “Head Shoulders Knees and Toes,” the words were perfect, but she pointed to the wrong body part every time. As she sang “eyes and ears and mouth and nose” she was touching her chin and tummy and feet. And then she ended her verse with one last resounding “Mouth!!!!” Comedy gold.

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My middle darling, at the age of five, once pooped behind a tree in our yard. He alerted me to his 'accident' by informing me, with his pants still around his ankles, that, "His pants just fell down and poo slipped out of his butt." Inappropriate humor is our salvation here.

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Anyone who follows my page or blog knows that Logan says some pretty funny stuff. The reason I find it so hilarious and endearing is simply because we weren't sure he'd ever talk at all, so to have him not only talk, but to have such a great sense of humor is just a blast.

He speaks in "Loganese", a mixture of made up and altered words that have become part of my regular vocabulary. If you piss him off- you might be an "asspenis", a "dudebag" or the mackdaddy of Loganese swear words- a "mama-feather"

If you're in his good graces, you might be "honeynugget", "sweetie pie", or the ever coveted "hot sauce". Some days I get "chicken legs", and I've even been called "monkey nugget".

It's pretty hard to pick just one moment when every day is like a comedy act.

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I could write an entire book about the hilarious things my 3 children have said and done throughout my 21 years of Mamahood! One of the most recent funniest moments was when my 9 year old daughter, Lexie, innocently asked me, “Mama? Do monkeys have tails?”.

So after some deep thought and trying to visualize swinging monkeys in my head, I determined that I truthfully did not know the answer! So, I said, “Just Google IT!” “Just go on the computer, go to Google and type in ‘do monkeys have tails’ and click ‘images’. Then you can see pictures of monkeys and you will know for sure if they have tails!” - Brilliant solution, right?! Ya! Not so much!

So, Lexie grabs the laptop, plants herself down on the couch and googles ‘Do monkeys have tails’ and I go about my business.

“OH MY GOSHHHH!! MOM!! THAT is NOT a TAIL!!” She exclaimed in disgust! “THAT is his "JINGLES!!” She said with a look of horror on her face.

“JINGLES??? What do you mean by ‘Jingles’." I shouted. All I could see is her eyes peeking just above the laptop screen as she was still clearly looking at these images in disgust.

She puts the laptop on the couch beside her, looks at me and says, “You know.... ‘JINGLES’!!!" She says as she cups both her hands as if she is holding two balls.

Her brother starts laughing hysterically...ugh!

“WHAT?! WHAT are you talking about?!?” I say as I leap over to the couch and swipe the laptop. WELL! First, I notice the very first image - A bare human butt with a tail! WTH?! THEN, the image directly beneath that is a monkey or an ape butt with a big gianormous prominent pair of “jingles” hanging low! OH Good G! What have I done?! I think to myself. By this time Lexie is laughing with her brother while I ponder about how I have scarred my daughter for life and how I should have NEVER trusted that something so innocent as ‘do monkeys have tails’ should be Googled by a nine year old without parental supervision. And by parental supervision, I mean googling it myself to make sure it was 9 year old friendly. Lesson learned!

Later Lexie told me that it was ok that she saw those jingles because they were on an animal and you can see dog jingles all the time. She was trying to make me feel better. "Well, I guess animals don’t wear underwear do they?!" I said and laughed out loud.

So now, around here, “JINGLES” is our new term for the said part of the male anatomy! Everyone should call them "jingles"! =)


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At 13 and 10, my kids are older than many others here. So I need to select my answers wisely to avoid embarrassing the snot out of them and earning myself top billing in their future tell-all memoirs. That said, reflecting back on their toddlerhoods, two stories come to mind.

My daughter --- Back when my girl was only two, she and I were making a quick run through a crowded grocery store. The lines were long and the woman in front of me kept blathering on and on about Angelina Jolie being “on the cover of TWO magazines at the SAME time.” (I know. Yawn!) My daughter started whimpering and trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t hear her over Angie’s obnoxious nemesis. Now completely fed up with me, my daughter grabbed my cheeks to turn my face to hers and scream, “MY VAGINA FEELS SPICY!!!” (I still don’t even know what that means.) And it worked. She had my full attention. I never broke eye contact with her until we left the store. Stupid Angelina Jolie.

My son --- His story can really best be appreciated by clicking this link … http://olddognewtits.com/2012/04/24/the-day-things-got-hairy-at-disney-world/. It's my top-viewed blog post of all time.

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Well, I begin each post on my blog with a quote about the funny things my daughter and son say. Sometimes I even include my husband, Chris, in these quotes that tickle my funny bone. Here is one from each of them.

We were decorating for Halloween when this exchange occurred:
Me: "It looks like Halloween puked in here."
Chris: "Mission accomplished."

As we were preparing for Hurricane Sandy, Tuck came out with this one:
"So we're getting a snowstorm from one side and a hurricane from the other? We should call it a 'Snurricane'. 'Snurricane Sandy.'

A conversation with Mags:
Mags: "Can I wear your ring, Mama?"
Me: "No, Mags, this is my wedding ring. It's very special to me and I don't want it to get lost by accident."
Mags: "That's the ring that means you're married to Daddy?"
Me: "Yep. Sure does. It means that we'll be together for our whole lives."
Mags: "And he can never, ever escape from you. EVER?!?"
Chris: (looks at me, smirks) "Yep. That's about right, Mags."
Me: (sigh)

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Just recently, my sister in law got married. When we went to the rehearsal dinner, the priest from our church joined us. About 15 minutes into the dinner, my 4 year old said "Look, God came to dinner with us."
Everyone had a good laugh. And the priest thought it was awesome. It's kinda like when my kids mistake me for J. Lo I guess...
It's also awesome when the same 4 year old tells people that she drinks wine and beer. She doesn't, of course! But she says she is going to when she goes to college. God help us. I should be happy that she wants to go to college, right?

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In the words of The Boy himself, "You are only famous because of me. I should have a blog, and if I did, nobody would read yours." Yes, he's a peach. I blog and FB about him all the time, because he's right, he's comedy gold.

The Boy is 11, and this one happened a couple of months ago:

The Boy: If I could time travel I'd go back to when I was 2 so I could stay home all day and poop in my pants.
Me: I'd go back in time and kill Hitler before he killed millions of innocent people.
The Boy: Oh....Well I still wanna sit around and poop in my pants.

Another one from last summer:

The Boy: WHile you are gone can I be the boss?
Me: No.
The Boy: Can I at least be the boss of the house since I know all the rules and stuff?
Me: Yes.
The Boy: Well, can you also grant me the authority to slap people?
Me: I think you know the answer to that.
The Boy: Crud!

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My boys are the funniest beings on the planet. Everything they do is funny. However, the single funniest sentence I have ever heard was from my niece, not my sons.

She was 5 years old and holding her lady parts as if she had to pee……

"Do you have to go potty?"

"No…. I farted and my fart went from my butt to my hoo-ha. Now I’m trying to pop the bubble."

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The little one's only funny nonverbally at this point but the oldest one comes loaded with material. A few weeks ago, we were out kicking the ball around in the back yard. I asked him, "Do you wanna play dodge ball?" To which he enthusiastically yelled, "YES!" and then dropped to all fours and barked. Yeah, it took me a second too.

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My babies are 6 weeks old, so they haven't really done or said anything that funny. Other than what my husband and I like to call the fartcry. He coined "hashtag fartcry -- #fartcry" and thinks it will become a sensation on Twitter. Fingers crossed.

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I have 4 children and they've all done their share of amusing things over the years, but my youngest gets the prize for the most embarrassing one. When he was a toddler, he accidentally dialed 911 while I was busy hosting a Tupperware party for 25 women. When three young, handsome, police men stormed into my home, I believe my lady friends thought I was hosting an entirely different kind of party.

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(Side note: To get this story, you have to know that my kids are somewhat trilingual, meaning that they speak three languages with varying degrees of fluency.)
When my oldest was about a year and half, we went to visit my in-laws in Italy. My sister-in-law couldn't come over (something about being a doctor and needing to save lives or some other silly excuse) so we called her on the phone to let her "chat" with my daughter. What followed was the funniest 10 minutes of my life.

My little one, who is normally shy and unwilling to even hold the phone, suddenly gained a newfound confidence and desire to bond with her relatives. She talked nonstop for more than 10 minutes, only pausing periodically to catch her breath and allow her aunt to ask another question. What made the situation so funny was that the whole conversation was completely incomprehensible. Not incomprehensible in the "baby talk" way, but in the "I am trying very hard to speak fluent Italian with my zia, never mind that I don't have any idea what I am saying" way. Her intonation and accent were flawless, her words were completely her own.

We caught most of the scene on video (along with the other countless hours of video we made of our first child....the second kid is lucky to get a guest-starring role in direct to dvd films) and still pull it out to watch from time to time.

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My child is not quite 2-years-old, and has been a late talker compared to her peers. This used to cause me a lot of anxiety, but at her 18-month check-up, her pediatrician told me to stop worrying and that the words would just come one day. So I put the flashcards away, turned the TV back on, and let her just be a kid again.

Christmas rolled around, and we had a lot of family events on our agenda, the last of which was a trip to my in-laws on Christmas night. By the time the table was cleared, the leftovers were distributed, and the presents were packed into the car, my child had officially had enough. She started to kick up a fuss when I was bundling her into all of her winter gear, and when I momentarily stopped dressing her to say something to my sister-in-law, she decided enough was enough and yelled, "PUT MY SHOES ON!"

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You might as well have asked me what my favorite song is.

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My second daughter was about 3 when I had my son, and a few days after he was brought home she was "supervising" me as I started changing his diaper. She put her face right up by his diaper area and exclaimed "Oh look at his cute elephant!!"

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Could any mom really narrow it down to one? I think, as parents, we are all amused by our children on a daily basis. I guess it's no secret that falling asleep in incredibly strange places has definitely topped the list of ridiculously funny stuff my kids have done. My oldest face down on the ottoman has to be right up there as a top funny moment!

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Oh, goodness. My children are a constant source of laughter mingled with abject humiliation. I can't possibly narrow it down to one thing - so here's a sampling of my daily life:

A then 3-year-old Lena asked me: "Mommy, what is hot and dangerous?" Oh, God. How do you explain the hot mess that is Ke$ha to a preschooler? I stumbled through an explanation about an attractive woman using it to her advantage. Her response: You know what else is 'hot and dangerous'? Fire. And lava." Yes. Yes it is. And a far better answer than mine.

My littlest one, Emmeline, loves to roar like a lion. One day we found a bunch of dandelions that were going to seed. Thinking she would roar, I asked Emmeline what she thought dandelions say. Lena answered "Blow me."

Not to be left out of this, my 2 year old Emmeline is a constant source of hilarity. Here are a few examples:

Lena: When I grow up, I'm going to be a veternarian.
Emmeline: No you not. You gonna be a witch cuz you is mean.

Right before Christmas we enjoyed breakfast with Santa. Afterward the girls each took a turn speaking with Santa. He asked Emmeline "Have you been a good girl this year?" Emmeline responded "Um....no. Me haven't."

Emmeline: "I eed you a open da door."
Me: "Please ask me again in a nice way."
Emmeline: "Open da damn door now. Peas."

It is very hard to reprimand your progeny when you are laughing at them being assholes. But, as a SAHM, my job description does include "do not raise a flock of assholes." Looks like I have my work cut out for me.

I need a raise.

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I have four children. They all say HILARIOUS things every day (even the bulldog talks to me) which is why I write a blog, www.queenbeepost.com, featuring these conversations. Many of the most hilarious dialogues are those with our "family clown," Charlie, who is nine years old...and wise before his time...and FUNNY!!!!!

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My munchkin is only six months old so I don't have any fun sayings, but she did have a poopsplosion that threatened to bring my Hubby to his knees so yea that was pretty hilarious and horrible at the same time.

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Today he told me that a song playing on the car stereo "wasn't my jam." Instead, "it is his jam. " But we can share. Thank God.

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ZOEY: Mom, you're going to die today.

It was funny because I didn't.


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Oh my. I am not sure. The one that strikes me right now was when I was driving down the street with my oldest son (at the time he was 3) and we drove past an over-weight elderly man who wasn't wearing a shirt. After witnessing the hair chest and belly on display my son observed, "Mom, some people just look better with their shirts on." Well played, son.

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That's like asking me to pick a favorite food. Impossible.

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When making breakfast one Sunday morning my 9 year old son and I had this conversation:
Him: Bacon is yummy!
Me: Yes, bacon is yummy.
Him: Is bacon good for you?
Me: No, unfortunately bacon is not good for you that's why we only have it once and awhile, not everyday.
Him: But, it has pig in it!

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A few weeks ago we were at a friend's house so that the kids could rehearse for a performance they were giving. My 15 year old plays the trumpet, and several other kids in the high school band were performing in a gig in town as part of a Young Artist Series. One of the boys who would be singing and playing guitar was a local kid who made it to Hollywood and was on American Idol for awhile. So my friend and I are sitting on the couch watching all the kids warming up and starting to play. All the teenage girls' eyes were on this boy like he was a giant chocolate cupcake. Except 15. 15 was texting, looking around, not fawning over
this kid, like she could care less. I was joking with my friend saying, "wow, she has no interest in this kid whatsoever." My friend said that she was probably
texting someone about a basketball game or something. She was like the Honey Badger, she didn't give a shit. Fast forward to the end of rehearsal,
the boy left around the same time as us. He shook everyone's hand, nice to meet you, blah blah blah. We got into the car and 15 said: "Oh my God
he's SOOOO HOT!!!" I cracked up!! She said she saw how everyone was looking at him and she didn't want to be all obvious so she was playing it cool.
When we got home she was ALL over Youtube checking him out. I was peeing myself.

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Wow - this is tough. Probably the funniest moment for me and my husband was the time the triplets (age 2 1/2 at the time) actually worked together to move a piece of furniture (a heavy night stand) from one room to another room. The two boys pushed and pulled slowly gaining an inch or two at a time, while the girl walked behind them (not helping at all) yelling "Push!" "Push!"
(This is probably one of those moments you "had to be there" but seriously, it was tears running down the cheek hilarious.)

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My 5 year old daughter was sure my husband was having an affair:

Adolpha: Mommy, where's Daddy?
Me: He's at work.
Adolpha: How do you know he's at work?
Me: What do you mean?
Adolpha: I mean how do you know? Maybe he tells us he's at work and really he's meeting a girlfriend. [Whoa. Where is that coming from - you're 5!? Actually, I have an idea. A close family member has been going through a divorce this year and it's been weighing heavily on my kids and worrying them that we might meet the same fate.]
Me: No, I trust Daddy. Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend. He has me. [But, of course, now I start wondering. Does Adolpha know something I don't?? Has she picked up on something the Hubs let slip?] Hey Adolpha...has Daddy ever mentioned a girlfriend before?
Adolpha: No. [Maybe she's seen something.]
Me: Has Daddy ever introduced you to a lady when I wasn't around?
Adolpha: No!
Me: OK, [phew] see? Daddy doesn't have a girlfriend. If he did we'd see him with someone we don't know or he'd talk about her sometimes.
Adolpha: I think he's with Miss Marlene [a close friend of mine].
Me: What??! [I'll kill him!] How do you know? Why do you think that?
Adolpha: 'Cause, she's your prettiest friend. She's a little prettier than you. He would want a pretty girlfriend. Y'know, one prettier than you. [Gee, thanks, kid.]

A couple hours later, the Hubs got home and I "casually" mentioned the conversation I'd had with Adolpha: "Adolpha thinks you're a cheating bastard. Are you cheating on me, you jerk? Do you think Marlene is prettier than me?"
He laughed and called me crazy.

I laughed and then demanded to see his cell phone records. After he handed over his phone so I could check all his incoming and outgoing calls, emails, and text messages we went to put Adolpha to bed and have a talk with her.

Hubs: Why would you say I have a girlfriend?
Adolpha: Because Mommy doesn't love you as much as you love her. She only loves you this much. [Pinches her fingers.]

Hubs laughs and nods.

Hubs: Yup!

Me: Adolpha! Why would you say that? That's not true at all. [At least I don't think it is. True, there are some days that I love him less, but not every day.]

Adolpha: Yes it is. Girls always break boys' hearts because they don't love them as much as boys love them. It's OK that Daddy loves you more, but...he might get a girlfriend 'cause you don't love him enough.

Hubs (chuckling): Goodnight, my smart girl.

And so there you have it: Love advice from Adolpha. She's basically told me my friends are too pretty and I'd better step up my game a bit and convince the Hubs I love him more or else he just might get a girlfriend.

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One time while driving, we saw a truck almost cut off a cop that was speeding by with sirens blaring. I couldn't believe the truck and commented, "He's going to cut off the cop! What a dick!" From the backseat my 3-year-old daughter said, "Dick? What's a dick, Mama?" Before I could answer, another cop sped by. She saw him and yelled, "Hey! There's a dick, too!"

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