being in love with a man that is still struggling with addiction and you being 4yrs clean

Jenn - posted on 03/25/2011

So sorry for the superlong post, I didnt realize how long it was!! Anyways, really, if you ever want to talk pls msg me..Be strong and follow your heart. Maybe jail will do him some good, he can get clean and he will have a lot of time to think about things, I used to pray that my fiancee would get arrested because at least then I would know where he was and it would be very hard from him to get high, I could sleep at night without worring about him killinghimself or somthing...That being said, he could come out a totally different person. I would definitely offer him support but I would probably not make any promises. Congrats on being four years clean, I am almost 2 yrs clean!!!

Jenn - posted on 03/25/2011

I have a similar problem. I have been with my fiancee for almost 11 years, he was my middle school sweetheart, and we have two beautiful children together. We were each others first love and the only person the other has slept with. We grew up together, he is my best friend, he knows me better then anyone and vice versa. We have both struggled with addiction together. We got hooked on the drugs together, did them together, were junkies together, and then we decided we were going to get clean together. When I found out I was pregnant for my 2nd child, my daughter (I also have a four year old son) I knew this was it, I HAD to get clean. He signed himself into detox on an in patient program. I also wanted to sign in because I was preggers and plus I just was done with the drugs (Oxycontin, hydro-morphine, other opiates/Valium/cocaine when I couldn't find opiates/crack cocaine) as I wasn't having fun, i was using to be able to function. To not be sick and be able to take care of my son. Anyways, I wasn't allowed to sign i to the program because we couldn't be in at the same time. Instead they put me on methadone. A few weeks later my fiancee got out and he was also on methadone. I have been clean for two years now, and he was clean for quite a while too, he is totally clean from the opiates. We were doing so well. However, he still does other drugs here and there. Not the ones we were addicted too but still drugs nonetheless. Usually he tries to lie about it, which really pisses me off because I have been a junkie before you cant scam a scammer. He keeps saying "I don't know why I even did it, I am stupid, blablabla, I am doe I am never doing it again" when i catch him high or whatever. But then a few weeks later he does drugs again. It really makes me upset because after all we have been through with drugs (we have both overdosed together and almost died..not on purpose, we almost lost our son, we were arrested and charged, got evicted, sold everything we owned...we went to hell and back) and after all that he STILL wants to do drugs..It also bugs me because he lies to me, and cuz I am clean and I don't want that BS around me or my kids (he doesn't do it at home usually at a friends but will come home and I know he is high)..I LOVE him and I know he is a good person and I know he loves me and the kids, he is a great father and when he is clean everyone wants to be around him, he is such a funny, friendly people person, everyone is drawn to him..But when he is high he is totally different, he doesn't come home at night, he picks fights, he doesn't help me, he is gone all day, hes rude and mean and angry. It breaks my heart. It is so hard and I know I should put my foot down and tell him to get out until he is clean for good but it is hard. My kids love their daddy's so much and when he isn't on drugs he is an amazing fiancee, but right now he knows that he can do it and nothing will happen, he has no consequences. He has been on one of his little trips the last few days, he isn't home right now and it is 3am, I am not sure where he is, he has been distant the last few days...I am not sure what he is on or what he is doing, but most likely its something bad.. I am struggling with this because I am scared to kick him out he has no wheres to go, and I don't want him getting himself killed or something driving one night sleeping in his car, I know he still has a drug problem, not as bad as before, but it doesn't take long to go from once in a while to every day, especially when you have been an addict before. I am sorry for the long post but I feel your pain. If you EVER wanna talk to someone who understands and gets what your going through please don't hesitate to message me. I am a SAHM and I am always online at night, so just message me anytime. Sorry for the long post.

Collette - posted on 11/09/2010

I was married to an addict and I learned the hard way that you can't help them - they have to help themselves and face their demons on their own.

Some of them make it and I congratulate you on your success. But in the end I fear he will drag you back down to those places you hoped to never be again.

You have come far, I know you love him - but this time you have to love yourself enough to do what is honestly best for your life in the long run.

Marie - posted on 11/05/2010

That's true what Collette said, I waited 2 years and like I mentioned before he's been out a year, no changes have been made all talk no action. If you don't see the change or if he is gonna be in a very long time, maybe you should move forward, take care.

Collette - posted on 11/05/2010

I would move on. He has to take care of his own problems and he could end up in prison for 10 years or more. It's not even fair for him to expect you to wait.

You also don't know what he will be like when he gets out of prison. Will he be able to get a job? Will he get discouraged and go back to his old habits?

I would not wait but you have to do what you think is best for you.

Marie - posted on 10/24/2010

My daughter's father still struggles with his addiction, he say's he wants to get it together, he has been out a year and it went from bad to worse. I have almost 5 years sober, and am making my life better everyday, he's dragging me down. If you're man goes in and is willing to at least try, then yes wait, at the first sign of a slip, RUN!

Amy - posted on 08/01/2010

I am new to this group. My name is Amy Brown. I go to Alanon meetings. Which help me deal . I have learned you can not cure him/her, you can not control them and I did not cause the adiction. I am truely blest for the program.