Heartbreaking political squabble gone awry, need advice.

Katie - posted on 02/11/2009

One of my college roommates is very liberal. We have gotten into arguments over politics, but never to the point where it got physical. We have agreed to disagree in order to save the friendship. We still email each other, we just don't forward anything about politics to each other. My husband can't stand her and wishes I would just end the friendship, but I can't do that. Other than the politics, we get along great. I hope you two can come to an understanding like my roommate and I did. It really helps the relationship. (It also makes it easier to see each other at our reunions that we have with our other roommates.)

Jen - posted on 02/11/2009

I think I need to patient even with myself, I feel now like I could forgive her if she seeks counseling or other help. I don't think my hubby will come around, in truth he didn't like her much before this so this was sort of the nail in the coffin...maybe even for both of us with her. I told my one sister that the Lord loves us even though we turn away from his love; that he gives and he gives until we are ready to receive. Well, I guess I'm just not that loving. I need to be shown love and kindness from people and am just not a bottomless pit of love. I dont' think it's reasonable for someone to expect everyone to love them unconditionally and continue to act like a jerk and still expect love.



Politics really do shape our daily lives, and how we perceive the world. It's hard to deal with someone who's brainwashed because so much of what they believe is not true but then they project their feelings onto us. I have a dear aunt that thinks George Bush has ruined everything, to the point where she was dishing up dinner one night and literally said, "well if George Bush wasn't in office we'd have more green beans..." You just can't reason with someone like that.



My problem with my sister too is the very ugly things she said, things like I don't deserve to vote or have an opinion because I don't have a doctorate degree, am just backwards, uninformed and ignorant. Why should I want to have any type of relationship with anyone who thinks that of me, blood relative or not? The thing that really bothers me is she knows I take great efforts to hear the other side, I read the garbage books she recommends, have listened to the Audacity of Hope CD now twice because we're stuck with our new President, and really do try to balance out each topic by examining both sides of the issue. She's never listened to Rush but thinks he's the devil, never has watched Fox news but knows Bush owns it and it's all lies... it's all so irrational. I do believe strongly that you can't possibly have an opinion on something based on what others have said, you need to examine things for yourself. It's all so maddening.



The day she tried pushing me down the stairs she told our other sister that we've just decided to agree to disagree. I think you can disagree without being disagreeable and if people just adopt the motto: I prefer clarity to agreement then it really takes the emotion out of the process. When I hear someone is a liberal I get excited because I love to chat with them...they're my new lab rat so to speak. It's interesting to hear them reason through issues, it's cute, and depressing all at the same time.

Whitney - posted on 02/11/2009

I'm thinking if you can truly forgive her, then that can help your husband to forgive, but really its between him and God.  I completely understand why he would be upset so I would be patient with him.

As for your sister, maybe it would be good to not talk politics for the sake of your relationship.  Maybe in time, have a conversation with her about it.  If she is still very passionate about it, just say to her, "Look, I don't agree with you.  We can agree to disagree but for our sakes, lets not talk about it."  Its hard believe me because I have a similar problem with my sister.  I thought we were pretty much on the same page until a few years ago when she moved to Boston and became 'enlightened' (brainwashed) to the way things were.  Even though we do not talk about politics much its hard to keep it completely out of the conversation because so much of it affects our daily lives.

Jen - posted on 02/09/2009

Peg, thanks for a glimpse into a liberal mindset. It's frustrating because I try to be kind and logical and it just doesn't work. I get infuriated because it's the conservative that gets the stigma of being close minded and irrational, when that's just not the case here. It's always been tough to chat politics with her because of the emotion involved on her end but now it's something that shouldn't even be attempted. I am struggling with wanting to be emotionally involved with someone who considers me to be an ignorant hick. I know she's not mentally stable and I'm praying for her. Prayer has helped, focusing on her and her safety has certainly helped, too. I am trying to focus on the fact that although she could have really harmed me and my baby she didn't. We're fine. I just want to be able to forgive her and inspire her to chat with someone to sort out the fog of early motherhood. My hubby is still beyond words upset with the deal...is there any way to inspire him to forgive, or is God the only one who can soften his heart?

Peg - posted on 02/09/2009

Let me give you a possible view from her perspective.  I was her.  Years ago, I was a "liberal".  My brother was/is the dyed in the wool conservative/Rush Limbaugh disciple. 

(having learned so much about the abortion issue, along with my renewed Christian faith, I have since become more of a conservative.)

Well, back in the day, we would really get into it, and I had the same old arguments that your sister has (greed, big business, intolerance, blah blah blah).  He would push just the right buttons and I would dissolve into tears.  I think he saw this as a game, as he never saw that he was hurting me, and has never apologized for any of it.  Because of these arguments, we have never developed a real relationship, in fact 10 years ago I stopped engaging him in any of these conversations (or really I stopped responding when he would goad me).  The arguments stopped, but so did any chance we had at a "friendship".  (He doesn't even know that my positions have changed.  In 2004, I took down our Bush/Cheney sign when the family came over, as I didn't want them to know how I was voting.)

I think my suggestion would be to be gentle with her (I know you were trying).  If she is like I was, she really isn't as informed as she thinks she is.  For example, socialized medicine isn't about medicine, it's about economics.  There's more to it than she thinks.  You may want to offer her, gently of course, studies on its feasibility, maybe even testimonies from the British system.  Just make sure these studies are from a neutral (read non-conservative) source.  She won't believe conservative sources.

Regarding the pushing, I can't believe she meant to hurt you, she was probably just caught up in her emotions and went a little too far.

I guess bottom line is be gentle with her, and feed her information gently to educate her.  (Prayer will help too!)

Hope this helps,

Peg

Katie - posted on 02/09/2009

She needs to understand that there are other opinions other than hers. If she wants everyone to hear hers, then she needs to let others express theirs without getting all riled up.

Physically attacking someone, though, definitely crosses the line. I take it she just had a baby. Has anyone looked into post-partum depression?

Michelle - posted on 02/09/2009

I would probably not discuss politics with her in the future.