Your position on how to handle bullying?

Jamie - posted on 11/05/2012

my husband and I have the same thought... my oldest child has been in this situation... he was out playing with a group of the neighborhood kids when another child came up and just pushed him down... there were no adults around, my son got up and punched him, he went running home.. i waited for the parents to come to my house.. the other children who were there all told the same story. this was not the first time this child had picked on mine.. but it was definitely the last...

Beth - posted on 09/06/2012

I agree 100%. My son was being bullied in school and the principle flat out told him and us that if he hit back he would be in trouble (btw this was after months of being bullied). I wrote them a letter that will remain in his school file until he graduates telling the school that the principle telling my son he cannot defend himself against someone who is doing him physical harm is not only dangerous for him, it is also taking away his constitutional right to defend himself. And being that the 'laws' within the school system are not above the laws that govern us, and next time I will hire a child advocate and take them to court.

Nicole - posted on 09/05/2012

Brenda, I realize this post is dated back..but since I came across it, today, I must say..Right On Sista!!! I couldn't agree MORE! :) ;) :) ;)

Victoria - posted on 04/10/2012

Strangely, I think a child can learn from bullying.



Part of life is learning to deal with conflict. While I certainly don't condone bullying, it has been going on since the beginning of time - even when there were no laws about it! However did we manage? ;) My strong opinion on this is that parents are the leaders here but that schools, youth centers, parishes and sports clubs may wish to teach conflict management. Particularly in H.S. I think kids could really learn some great life practices if they had a basic knowledge of things like attribution error, biases and other's world views. Mostly, that conflict can cause growth and stronger relationships... It is not all bad. How we deal with it is the key. Vicki (Mom of 3) http://www.consensusbuildersgoup.com/



(must type web site into search bar w/o COM prefix)

Tracie - posted on 04/07/2012

We teach our children that if someone gets physical with them, this person has clearly lost control of themselves and they should get away from them. There's no telling how far an out of control person will go in their craziness. Best to just leave them empty handed, looking like the violent/fool/aggressor they are.

Ellie Richardson - posted on 04/05/2012

Im totally with u on this one. I was taught the same thing. I dont believe in always leting teachers handle everything cause they have too many kids to deal with. I think kids have the right to defend themselves 100%. My middle child had a issue with a fellow class mate and I told my daughter that if the teacher doesnt help and talking to the principle doesnt help either then I will go see the parent myself, and I gave my daughter the heads up to defend herself if the other child tryed to lay a hand on her.My daughter is turning ten this month.

Kelly - posted on 04/03/2012

I was bullied in middle school. I went on to make serious errors in judgement which, in my opinion, stems from what was taken from me during my years being bullied. My kids' school has a new anti-bullying program in preparation for the anti-bullying law that goes into effect this summer. Both of my children have had issues with bullies. I have been in the main office and told the principal that I have little faith in the program as one cannot legislate morality. I have always taught my kids to walk away, never start a fight, but if you feel emotionally or physically threatened you have my permission to defend yourself. As long as you haven't started anything, you will never be punished for defending yourself...and the bullying stops the day you do.

Michelle - posted on 02/02/2012

When my son was being bullied by another in his class i invited the child over for a play date after school (they were aged 9 at the time). Worked really well and they became good friends after that with regular after school play dates following. He is now 12 years old and had another problem with another boy - did the same thing - invited him over for a games afternoon on the x-box and they are now best friends!!

Carol - posted on 01/30/2012

I suffered from bullying at school. That made me more introverted and picky with my friends. That made me seek for safety in books. Now when I look all the girls who bullied me I can see they were wrong and their lifes are wasted and mine not.



All we have to do is give our children security and selfconfidance. They must improve their skills and make it stronger.

Monica - posted on 01/26/2012

One thing you need to keep in mind is that in most cases of bullying (especially with girls, and as kids get older and more cunning) there is no physical abuse. Bullying almost always is emotional and psychological. The question is how do you recognize it and how do you deal with it. Helping your child feel safe sharing their experiences and feelings with you is a first step; they need to understand that they are not at fault. Much like drug use, you need to take a proactive stance and bring up the possible scenarios and the preferred reactions. Another important issue is the role of bystanders; the kids that just stand and watch while another child is being bullied, mostly out of fear and relief that it isn't themselves being bullied. All three characters in the bullying scenario (the bully, the bullied, the bystander) share responsibility for the behaviour, as do adults who might see even the smallest hint of bullying.



There are plenty of expert advice online and loads of resources available to find out how to start the conversation. There are also plenty of resources out there to discover alternative solutions for any bullying situation; the best resolution is restorative justice, rather than a corporal response.

Betsy - posted on 01/26/2012

My 10 y.o. daughter is not a fighter. She has been psychologically picked on since 1st grade. She says that all the kids in her class call her names, play tricks on her, trip her, tell her she is ugly, etc. Today she said one of the girls called me, her mom, fat, and said I looked pregnant. Granted I am fat, but this was said to her to hurt her feelings. The school has a zero tolerance policy, but all that means is they will turn their heads and look the other way. They don't have the means to deal with bullying of this kind. The Duty monitor at lunch tells my child to go play with other kids. WHO? She has no friends. I worry about her because she doesn't seem able to strengthen her inner self in order to withstand these types of attacks, and I know kids like that can take the pain only so long. How do I help her be strong?

Luz - posted on 01/24/2012

We tell our son not to go looking for fights, that it's always good to walk away before anything happens and stay away from the trouble maker...but if a person hits you in the face or the stomach or if they continue to bully you and you have made the teacher (teacher's aids) aware and they don't do anything, then it's game on. There is no reason for a child to be continually bullied.

Tamara - posted on 01/19/2012

One thing I think most everyone agress on is that its ok with us if our children "defend" themselves. Be strong and protect themselves, but what about the kids that are not "fighters" I only address it that way because my niece has been bullied off and on all through out school about all kinds of things, her hair color the way she dresses the way she talks you name it, shes been picked on for it, girls at her school call her names and it really affects her selfesteem, shes been pushed around and had threats made against her (thankfully nothing severe) EVERYONE told her ignore thier remarks and if things get phsyical defend yourself. She refuses, and I dont blame her, she doesnt want to fight she just wants to be left alone. She doesnt want to have to express herself using violence because then the next persons going to wanna take a wack at her. I couldnt view the video as its been removed but I am speaking from experience, something needs to be done about the verbal and mental abuse these kids do to one another, what happened to love and respect thy neighbor? Treat others as you want to be treated? Violence doesnt solve anything but prove its acceptable to be violent.

Carol - posted on 01/19/2012

We think the same but the older of my children was against violence and never defend himself. Now he's at elementary and he chooses to befriend other kids like himself and avoid bully kids.



The younger one goes for the same path. Both are little softhearted kids and have no streetwise to know how to handle such things.

Robin - posted on 01/18/2012

We are dealing with a bully right now who punched my son in the face last week at school and keeps pushing and hitting him. I'm glad to read that we're not the only parents who've told our children to stand up for themselves and do back to the bully what's been done to him (as long as the bully starts it first).

I wouldn't stand there and let someone beat on me and not fight back, and I don't expect my son to let anyone either...whether it's at school or otherwise.

He finally punched the bully today after he punched my son in the arm and the kid took off. Hoping this keeps things at bay but I'm sure it won't.

If any moms out there have tips on how to handle this please pass them along! This is our first time handling a bully situation and any advise would be greatly appreciated!

Jamie - posted on 01/18/2012

that is exactly my take on the situation.. don't start a fight but if some hits you don't stand and take it.. kids now are horrible, you should never put your hands on another person.. and if it's verbal harassment just walk away.. their parents didn't teach them if you don't have nothing nice to say keep it to yourself!

Ebony - posted on 01/13/2012

I'm all for self defense, I grew up with my grandparents and they always taught us arms length, when it came down to space and if that's crossed and they hit you hit back.

Katrina - posted on 01/11/2012

I teach my children the EXACT same thing. As a matter of fact my middle child had been dealing with some bullying issues. I met with the elementary director and the two teachers. Nothing was done and as a result I told my daughter that she should defend herself and that we, her parents, would deal with the repercussions!

JENNIFER - posted on 01/10/2012

unfortunately though physical bullying is not the only kind we have to worry about my daughters have a really rare skin disorder and they have been called names and been made fun of many of times by different kids last year my oldest daughter was told by an older boy that she needed to go in the trash and my daughter told the teacher what happened and it was taken care of right there and then and the principle and the other little boys parents were talked to. i know we teach our kids not to be tattle tales but when it comes to being verbally bullied i think it is much better to let someone know. and 2 years ago she was excluded from being invited to a birthday party because the mom didnt want her there because she looked different some peole can be so ignorant. verbal bullying can be just as damaging as physical and sometimes it can be worse.

Lori - posted on 01/10/2012

agree should set up a super intendant hearing with all the ppl involved and tell them you want somethin done

April - posted on 01/07/2012

i agree all the way but i'm having an issue now with my 11yr old bullying other kids since he was bullied at his old school now i find he's doing the same at his new school i'm not exactly sure how to take it how would u deal with it all i've done was telling him don't u remember what was done to u in the other school do u think it's fair that ur saying mean things and i'm just waiting to see if anything happens to that do u have any suggestions to that?

Chantal - posted on 01/07/2012

I know this is an American site, but I teach in an English school and the debate is still relevant here. I tell my pupils that if they choose to take matters into their own hands that they should accept the consequences. They live in a world where they are expected, at 10 onwards, to be aware of the legal repurcussions of their actions. One of my pupils, recently, attacked a pupil after a verbal spat. He is now being questioned by the police. I think it's fine to talk in hypotheticals and morals, but our young people have to deal with the consequences. The message we send to them should reflect that fact. On the other hand, I tell my son that if he is pushed he should push back. From a mother's perspective, (informed by working in a school), I don't want my son to be a target for bullies. I have two older daughters who receive a different message, as girls generally attack other girls' on a pschological and emotional level. My role for them is to build up their self esteem and withstand a different kind of attack.

Klara - posted on 01/01/2012

the bible also says,"an eye for an eye.." We can quote the bible all day... I think you have to start out with basic intervention. If walking away works, great! Unfortunately, walking away is not always an option. I started by talking to teachers, that didn't work, I called the prinicipal. It happened a 3rd time and I walked up to the bully himself and I told him if he even thought about coming near my daughter again I would talk to his parents and if need be, call the cops. Luckily that was where it ended. I would have gone to his parents and I would have gone to the cops if need be. Our kids have the right to feel safe at school, on the bus, and at home. This worked for me, I hope you find something that works for you!

Wendi - posted on 12/26/2011

My brother killed himself as a result of bullying...

Heather - posted on 12/26/2011

see i live in waterbury, ct and alot of parents up here really dont care what their kids do. you can go and talk to the parents and they wont do anything here. they just dont care.. its bull..

Heather - posted on 12/26/2011

see i live in waterbury, ct and alot of parents up here really dont care what their kids do. you can go and talk to the parents and they wont do anything here. they just dont care.. its bull..

Rachel - posted on 12/23/2011

I don't understand when someone is getting beat up, that the school does nothing. At the school I work in, automatic suspension. Now bullying, like name calling, they won't really do anything, I don't think people should physically fight over words. i was bullied in the sense I got made fun of, no big deal, that is life. When I was getting beat up, you can be sure I defended myself (off school grounds). My parents didn't need to know, it's all part of growing up in my opinion.

Sydnie - posted on 12/22/2011

I was bullied when I was young and not even the adult supervision at school would do nothing about it. teachers would just tell the girl to stop picking on me. This girl followed me half way to my home trying to get her dog to attack me and the police coudln't do anything all that the girls mom said is "My daughter would do no such thing" the Principle said "girls can be just so mean" More should have been done and the situation should have been taken seriously. I was taught the same thing you are teaching you kids and agree.

Klara - posted on 12/22/2011

I agree. I take bullies head on. I've had a couple instances where older kids have picked on my kids when they were younger, and I definitely call the principal. If that doesn't work, I talk directly to the bully and if need be, call their parents. If that didnt help, I WOULD call the cops. My kids have a right to feel safe, and I will not tolerate someone else taking that away from them. I don't condone fighting, but I agree... if someone else starts it and they need to defend themselves, its fair game. Sometimes physically defeating a bully is what it takes, If they lose control, they usually back down.

Heather - posted on 12/19/2011

i know what u mean.. its bull.. the schools need to start doing more to stop the bullying

Jenny - posted on 12/19/2011

I agree with you completely. My son is currently being bullied, and the school has failed twice in dealing with it. So I have told my son to fight back, but never start a fight. I'm sick and tired of him coming home everyday saying so and so hit and punched me!

Heather - posted on 12/14/2011

i agree with u one 100%. Thats how I am teaching my kids.. Someone hhits you first than knock them the fuck out.. my son is 10 and he gets bullied all the time by 3 or 4 different boys.. one kid rammed his head right into my sons stomact han punched him in the nose. another was throwing rocks at him, One kid wrote FAG on his arm.. Yes my son might be gay but either way i will always love him and be by his side not matter what.. all bullies out there need an ass wopping by someone. its getting out of hand...

Shellie - posted on 12/14/2011

I am with you! I have had this going on with my daughter for almost a year. I said ignore them but if they place there hands on you then step up and defend yourself or they will keep doing it. I tried reporting it and our state has a bullying law in school where you fill out a report. I can say this did nothing for us but waste my time. I think your right on and as long as your child is not starting anything then they are right! But I truly find this to be how many parents are not raising there kids right. A child should always be safe and in today's time they are not.

Jennifer - posted on 12/09/2011

First step is to tell them to stop and report it to any adult and the parent. As a parent it IS your job to go to bat with the school for your child (media threat and coverage works wonders sometime othertimes not so much) We have also told our girls that if the need to they can and should protect themselves but her is how my 9yr old looks at it (she was severly bullied in k) "If I hit back then I am no better then the person bullying me. And I dont want to be a Bully now if someone is trying to take me away or touch me when or where I dont want THEN its time to use my Kung Fu!" LOL Gotta love her

Kristina - posted on 12/04/2011

I didn't even read all of what you had to say. Sorry its just when i saw your questions. it kinda got me. I can't stand bullying. i really can't. i would make sure im hurt from everyone in school, to whom ever needs to hear you and what is going on. If that does not work then yes they must defend them self. Kick butt if its a must. good luck

Katie - posted on 12/03/2011

Well I would first advice they say STOP, Tell a teacher or adult and if that doesn't work..STAND UP for themselves!!

Emilie - posted on 12/02/2011

I think kids should defend themselves if they have too. My son has been bullied for years now and it just keeps getting worse. I have given him permission to hit the boy if he needs to, but he still won't. I can't stand hearing about all the mean things the kids do to my son and it is really affecting him at home. The boy that is bulling him might get suspended of the bus for a couple days, or they might just call his mother and that is it. I don't feel like the school is doing enough to protect my son. Maybe if my son did pop him in the mouth real good maybe the bully will back off. I don't like for kids to start fights but if the one being picked on or bullyed dosen't do anything then the boys will keep doing the same thing over and over.

Della - posted on 11/30/2011

I agree teaching self defense is the right answer. Teachers can't be everywhere.

badartworld.com

Kelly - posted on 11/28/2011

Children do not realize their own strength,telling them to finish a fight could end up in a tragedy on either side.Jesus teaches us "to turn the other cheek".I'm not saying they should stand there and take abuse,I do believe it's better to walk away.

Amanda - posted on 11/27/2011

I agree with Tammy Foster. Schools are unwilling to do what is necessary to end the vicious cycle of bullying. It does put parents between a rock and a hard place because if a child defends him or her self then they are punished even if they aren't the ones that started the problem. I have pulled all 3 of my children out of school for that very reason. Its as though common sense no longer exists and fairness is way to much to ask of any school official. My son was bullied and we gave him the advice to defend himself but instead of the bully getting punished, it was my son who was being suspended. So finally we decided we were not getting any where and I am now homeschooling.

Susan - posted on 11/25/2011

this just happened to my son who has autism and adhd, he has been bullyied and harrassed by the same boys foe 2 years now, last friday one of the boys came up behind him and hit him in the back of the head with a basketball so my son turned around and hit him in the face. he has had enough from these boys and one of them has been after him since kindergaten. my son got in trouble and so did the other boy, but this has been reported so mant times i can't count. the principle wanted to meet with me so when i got there i thought thing were finally going my way but boy was i ever wrong, he was there with my son's behavioal therapist, they basically told me that my son percieved that way and he isn't telling you the truth and if he keeps saying these boys are bothering him and all these false claims then i will file a bullying report on you son for false claims which is harrassment.just two days later the boy walked up behind my son and stepped on his heels and pushed him down so instead of turning around he walked away and told a teacher and of course nothing happened. but i do believe in protecting yourself and i have always told him if someone hurts you you fight back .

Aubrie - posted on 11/22/2011

i always tell both of my children not to start a fight but if they get hit handle it yourself bc mommy and daddy wont always be there. i dont believe its bad to teach your children to fight back at all!

Alana - posted on 11/17/2011

I agree with self defence. My daughter however has had times where no one interfered to help her. This is how i handle the situation.

First i deal with the school or camp. I tell them and the principle what is going on. I tell them that if it continues and if there is any harm to my daughter while in their care iw ill hold them responsible.

Also i state that if my child is continuously abused physically i will tell her to fight back. And i dont think turning the other cheek is sufficient. How many bruises/ battered things will happen before someone steps in?

I think self defense is how it should be. If a kid hits you and its a punch you hit back. You dont jsut stand there and take it. AS an adult would you allow it to happen to yourself. Why should a kid be treated any other way?

Ivy - posted on 11/15/2011

My children have been taught to contantly bring it to the attention of an adult and I get teachers and the other parents involved. Depending on where you child goes to school, it can be handled easily without anyone having to get physical and/or hurt. Children not wanting to go to school because of other children says alot about a the home life of the bully. It is a learned behavior either from them either being bullied themselves in the past by siblings or what they see at home between parents. After trying to get it resolved in a respectful and adult manner with no aid from the other parents. We have told them to protect themselves and I tell them that as parents we will back them up, not to worry since we did all we could to try to keep this from happening.

Kelly - posted on 11/15/2011

I suppose, it is at times necessary, I certainly would not want my child to be harassed by other children.On the other hand they are children ,whom do not often realize their own strength,and could potentially really harm each other.I also believe as Jesus taught us to turn the other cheek to thy enemies, often example leaves more of a lasting impression.

Danielle - posted on 11/15/2011

My son had a lot of problems with some boys last yr on the school bus so we've taught our son NEVER start a fight but if they lay a hand on you, they are free game. My proudest moment was a couple of weeks ago when a friend and I took the kids to the park and one of her son's came running to me saying that there was this group of boys cussing and pushing them. As I walked up, one of the boys shoved Logan and so Logan shoved him back, I was coming up behind Logan so he never saw me coming but the other boys did and they could tell I wasn't happy and they took off running. I can't tell you how proud he was of himself that he stood up and didn't take it. He talked about it for days. =)

Kelly - posted on 11/11/2011

I agree,yet we also need to teach our children that yelling,and violence is not an acceptable solution ,try to teach them to verbalize their feelings in an acceptable way.

Fiona - posted on 11/11/2011

Although I am NOT a fan of using violence to combat violence, I applauded Casey when this hit the news here in Australia. He'd been harassed by this kid (and others) for so long, and had been told a lot of it was his (Casey's) fault for not standing up for himself. Well, when you're cornered by a bully - never mind he's smaller than you - his actions are being cheered on or at least not discouraged by on-lookers and your demands to be left alone are ignored....well, sometimes you have to physically get in there!

Too many children are vilified for defending themselves when bullied - the education system is set up to glorify bullies and punish victims. Why not? It's easier to punish the child who will not fight back.

Another thing - the slam that bully was given looked horrific but wasn't as bad as it appeared. The coverage here in Oz verified that the bully not only walked away from the slamming but was was well enough to go to the media, claiming Casey bullied HIM! Which is a load of tosh, of course. Bullies LIE to get out of trouble.

Rebecca - posted on 11/11/2011

My son had a problem with that in school a few weeks ago. I called his teacher at her home that evening and it was taken care of the next morning at school.

Suzanne - posted on 11/10/2011

When my son was a preschooler he encountered a bully at daycare. I listened to him tell his side of the story. I sympathized with him and the feelings he had over it. Then I explained to him that bullies are sometimes acting out that way because they want and need attention but don't know how to interact with other kids to get it in a nicer way for lots of reasons... family atmosphere ect.. I asked him if he would be willing to try to make a friend out of the bully and he said he would try. I don't know all the details but my son began actively seeking out the bully's involvement in his activities with his friends. Low and behold he wound up with a raving fan. When the bully came very late to his birthday party with his father it became somewhat apparent why the child had problems interacting with others and where he learned it. I know it was lucky that things worked out so well for us and that the same actions don't always bring the same results but I think this approach is definitely worth a try especially for younger children.