10 year old daughter is mean to others and won't admit when she's done wrong

Lisa - posted on 05/23/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My daughter is ten years old. I have an older son who is 19. We live with my partner and his three sons aged 11, 16 and 19. We are two families who came together three years ago. The issue is my daughter and I am becoming increasingly distressed and worried about her behaviour. I have just had yet another call from school about her. I will try to summarise her personality - she is headstrong; very strong willed, and this is coupled with the fact she has no fear about answering back and is extremely persistant and constantly wants her own way. There are issues at school with the following ( I have been told by school that they aren't major problems but all the same I am concerned and need advice on ways forward):

•She can be mean to others and while she knows this is wrong, she wont admit / take responsibility for her words or actions
•The lady at school who deals with 'issues' has said that even when it is blatantly clear she has said or done something, she wont admit to it, even when others have witnessed things. It takes a long time until she finally admits to saying whatever she may have said (in this instance she called someone a name)
•She constantly says things aren't her fault, at school and at home. This could be something very small such and insignificant.
•When challenged about her words or actions, she says she doesn't care.
•She fabricates things - eg she told other children she has been to a teacher's house for tea. This has caused problems at school. Yet when asked, she says she never said it.
•Her so-called friends are a year above her; she has no friends in her year and I have been told people at school dislike her because of the way she is. Her 'friends' aren't very loyal and she has yet to form a solid friendship with anyone since we have lived here.
•She is very defensive and answers back to everyone. I have tried punishing her; taking things away etc, nothing seems to get through. The teacher has said she can't get through to her either and doesn't understand what causes her to act like she does.
•She has a good relationship with her dad and visits regularly. She has lots of love from family and generally gets lots of gifts. I make time for her on a one to one.

She can be loving, and caring, but there is a side that is over-riding the good and I am so concerned and don't know what to do with her. I have tried talking to her but can't get through. I guide about her how to treat people, right from wrong, and I am devastated that school have to talk to tell me these things. She is my daughter and I love her so much. I just want her to be able to form good relationships and for her to stop thinking everything is a battle. I know it must have been difficult for her to move in with my partner and his kids, but time has passed and besides she has always been a handful since being very young. I feel I am failing her and don't want her to grow up with these issues. It's also breaking my heart that people "don't like her" (as the teacher said). I am willing to change my parenting. Or learn new skills. Whatever it takes to improve things. My partner is very patient with her and has put up with all sorts; he is firm but fair but her behaviour causes upsets in the house. It is her attitude towards others which bothers me most and I fear things will only get worse unless we try and sort it out once and for all. Apologies if this is rambling - any advice appreciated! Thanks.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 05/29/2013

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Lisa, I'm gonna suggest counseling. It could be the blended family, it could be something else.

Counseling, and consequences for behaviour that are being consistently enforced.

Good luck

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Punishments. That child needs severe punishments. Not cruel, but severe. What is her most favorite thing to do/play with? Take it a way two weeks. If it continues, a month. No tv, no going outside to play, no friends, no anything till she stops. Kids who are mean that young will grow up to be a lot worse. I see teenagers (girls) who will pick on some chick for no reason. Calling each other "cu**ts, bitches, and so on. Sometimes loving your child means punishing them because it teaches them to grow up in the right direction.

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