11 yr. old daughter thats out of control!

Kari - posted on 10/28/2010 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have 3 kids . 16 yr old daughter 14 yr old son, and 11 yr old daughter. Our 11 yr. old was always a happy baby but now noone wants to be around her. She wines, Wont clean up after herself and is very disrepectful and says rude comments to everyone. She has add and is on medication and it helps a little at school , but her behavor at home is horrible. We are at our wits end and dont know to do. We try grounding from the computer and tv and time outs, yelling at her, and being nice. Its like she doesn't care about anyones feelings. I dont know what to do. My other 2 kids are not like this and never have been . Please help!

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Elfrancine - posted on 10/30/2010

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It could be anything. Wrong friends, puberty maybe? My daughter is also 11 and she's started with her menstruation in Feb this year. I have to say that she was always a lady and very sweet, but she changed a lot after puberty started. She's not nice to her little sister and are also disrespectful. I can't really say what will help. I've learned to be calm with her. Try not to bite of her head when she's not nice, and I think it is helping. They also don't believe in "play" on that age. Strange, because I used to play till in high school. I think you should talk to her a lot more... take her to a coffee shop, just the two of you. Try and find out what makes her really happy and sad. Maybe she will confide in you when she realizes that you are there for her every step of the way. If you know what is on her mind, maybe you can solve the problems from there. I believe that if you spend quality time with your daughter things will look different in a couple of months. It helps me with my 11yr old :-) Good luck! Oh, when she starts whining, just ignore her... and tells her later very calmly that you do not appreciate that and that if she wants something she can just ask nicely and you will help.

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Adrienne - posted on 11/02/2010

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Hang in there! I have 4 children, two of which have adhd, and come from a family where my father and sister both have it (though I do not.) At your daughter's age, when all kids have many emotional and behavioral changes, the add or adhd child's experience will always be more extreme. I guess a good way to explain it is she is having the same experience other kids do, but through a megaphone.
Chances are her body is a riot of hormones making her feel out of control within herself. Unfair though it may seem to your other kids, you may have to treat her somewhat differently. You really have to pick the important battles. Ask yourself, "Is this behavior something that affects her character?", "Will this behavior make her an outcast?", "If I let this pass, what will the outcome be in 15 years?" You really have to think long term or you will lose your mind trying to correct every little thing. Also, really appeal to her sense of fairness. Make the punishment fit the crime. I.e. If she's rude to her sister, not only does she need to apologize, she needs to think of and do one nice thing to show her that she cares about her. Also, routine and predictable consequences for misbehavior are really important. She needs to know where the line is she cannot cross on important issues. Finally, reward improvement, even if it's just a kind word. We always let our kids know when they mess up. Make sure she knows when it's getting better too.:) Hope this helps.

Angel - posted on 10/29/2010

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I can't help at all. But we can chat if you want. Msg me. This sounds like my 7 yr old ADHD daughter. I swear she's a teenager in a child's body!

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