7yr old daughter hits me when mad

Wendy - posted on 01/11/2011 ( 31 moms have responded )

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I really need some advice on this one. I DO NOT believe in violence of any kind. I do not spank nor is there any type of violence in the home otherwise. But for some reason, when she gets angry, it's like she just doesn't know what else to do...you can usually see the frustration in her. An example: tonight she & i were playing a game & she didn't want it to end. her character lost she wanted to overlook that & keep playing-we did. her character lost again & she wanted to do the same-we did. but by the third time, it was getting late so i said no. i reminded her that she had actually lost 3 times now & i let it slide the first two so that we could keep playing but it was simply getting too late. looking back, i feel it was insensitive of me to point out how many times she had lost & i believe that is what upset her. however, when i said that, she hit me in the eye. it wasn't bad-didn't really even hurt. But...SHE HIT ME. What about when she's 16, gets mad & hits me? might hurt then. But the point is, I want her to be able to deal with her anger(emotions, in general) in a better way. I just don't know what to do- she gets time out & a lot of lecturing about how i can't believe she would hit her own mother. she always says she's sorry (& i believe she does feel very bad when she does it). She says she feels so mad that she just doesn't know what else to do to feel better. PLEASE ANYONE WITH ANY ADVICE on what i can do to help her.

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Kat - posted on 01/12/2011

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I would think having a hour a day that she can run out door's may work, alot of times i notice that when they are real tired they have little to no energy to fight, mostly after a long day at school.. I call it RUNNING Down the KID'S...BUT find out 1st where the anger is coming from.. Make time to talk....Good luck to you...

Candy - posted on 01/11/2011

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Maybe try to give her a "Mad Pillow" . Tell her that is the ONLY thing she can hit in the house. When she is mad she can go hit her mad pillow. When she clams down she can talk to you or daddy about whatever made her mad.

Julie - posted on 01/25/2011

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Hi there, I understand what your thinking and asking, but I have one question for you. The situation with the game, (as in you extended it to play longer ect...) is this a normal way of being with her? I mean do you let her get bored with stuff and she decides to stop playing or do you call the shots? as in "Mommy will play with you until... and I can't play with you now but later on today....?"
Because if she is the one calling the shots ofcourse she will get upset with you, and if it's not a usual thing then maybe she was just tired or frustrated. I didn't know my son was calling the shots until someone pointed it out. Its great to have a non violent household and discipline philosophy but non-violent does not make teaching your kids lifeskills any easier. They do need to learn (and 7yrs is not too young) patience, priorities and respect, and as a Mom we are their greatest example. So remember NO means NO and LATER means LATER, but that when you say you will do something do it. And if this was a one off "mad pillows" "dolls" extra fresh air will probably all help to work out her emotions, GOOD LUCK! p.s. Lecturing is a wate of time, keep it short and simple and then don't forget to tell them you love them and can always come to you.
Julie

Kelly - posted on 01/11/2011

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I like Candy's idea of a pillow. My mother actually had a "Damnit Doll ". It was a cloth doll with no buttons or anything hard on it that we could smack on the table, bed, counter, etc when we got mad......
was a great idea.

Donna - posted on 01/11/2011

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Wendy, my daughter is the same age and has the same problem with other underlying issues also..... i totally understand where you are coming from..... my daughter has a mad pillow and a special book with special crayons (really it's just a plain book and regular crayons) for when she is angry so she can draw and write them out....... then if she feels comfortable enough to talk about she will..... hope that helps a bit......

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Wendy - posted on 02/09/2011

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i am posting this followup for any1 interested in therapy outcome concerning this anger issue-we started therapy a couple of weeks back & so far the therapist feels she is expressing her anger towards other areas of her life w/me. she said i am a "safe target". some1 that she feels she can release some anger on w/out worrying about being hurt back. it appears a big problem here is she has been getting bullied worse than i knew about at school. & the dr. feels this has a lot to do w/it. the main thing to work on is WAYS to deal w/the anger. by the way, sky told her about her "mad pillow" & this therapist thought it was a good idea! thanks every1 for your help & following up w/me!

Wendy - posted on 01/26/2011

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julie, hhmmmm. interesting... ya know, she DOES pretty much call the shots. you're EXACTLY right. it's just the 2 of us here so, i've always felt, in order to put her first (as we SHOULD put our kids first), i let her choose MOST things. some weeks we eat out EVERY night & if she wants McDonalds 7 nights, that's what we do (however SICK of McD i may be). On occasion i have said honey, i'm about sick of McD, we ARE going somewhere else & yeah, she gets upset-usually refuses to eat- i RARELY, however, do that. being that it's just the 2 of us, i never felt that was a problem, though.she knows certain things HAVE to be done-like getting up & going to school, doing homework, etc. and as long as these things get done, i'm ok. i mean, if she wants to do h.wk. in morning-ok. night-ok. shower in morn or night? whichever-as long as it gets done.i just always felt what difference does it make- as long as it gets done. but maybe i am letting her call too many of the shots. i should probably lay afew more ground rules that will be stuck to...just never thought about this before...hhmmm...thanks for the input!

Agnieszka - posted on 01/24/2011

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please have a read (or see videos on youtube) about "NVC [non violent communication]". i think you'll enjoy it.
we should teach kids to name their emotions. instead of "are you angry" try "what do you feel?", say "feel anger" istead of "am/are angry".
i also think that do your best not to say "i can't believe that you[...]", "your own mother" - come on, it doesn't work... try to recall when you were a few years old or a teenager how you would react to those words... kids have a different perspective, they will only think you're 'whining', in this case they will most likely not understand.
hope it helps

Wendy - posted on 01/23/2011

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that's very nice of you to say. thank you! (& thanks for your help as well)- will keep you posted

Kat - posted on 01/23/2011

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Great Job MOM!!!! We need MORE Mother's that are intouch with their children as you have been with your's....Keep me posted.....

Wendy - posted on 01/21/2011

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i wanted you all to know that sky & i both have therapy appts over the next 2 wks. this website has been an answer to my prayers. all of you moms have given me great advice-advice which i have practiced. please keep giving it- you all are the only moms i have to talk to!

Julie - posted on 01/19/2011

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For both of you: Exercise, keeping a journal/diary, healthy diet, enough rest, and keep talking to each other. Did you know the thyroid gland controls your mood, sleep, appetite, growth, and affects how you respond to stress, your heart, your immune system, and other body systems?
www.cdc.gov
www.allthyroid.org
www.thyroid.org
www.thyroid-fed.org
www.the-thyroid-society.org

Kalpana - posted on 01/18/2011

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first a mad pillow and the next think a mad person. No hitting means no hitting, does not matter who or under what circumstance. I believe in managing anger not letting it out whenever i feel like it.

I smack my kids when they misbehave after 2 warnings and I tell them why I do it. When you keep explaining, it will make sense to them. Not just explain but question what they think will happen if they do this. My 5 year old can reason with me and answer and think of the consequence of his actions.

I strongly believe in SPARE the ROD and SPOIL the CHILD. you don't need to cane but they need to be smacked for serious things.

The mad pillow in my opinion is just fostering the habit of hitting every time they get angry. Now they may take to the pillow when they are young. When they find the pillow does not help when they are older, then they will turn to other things or people.

Kat - posted on 01/16/2011

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They usually act it out, or you will catch them hurting an animal or even tearing apart toy's even the ones she may LOVE...She's at a tough age, cause some kids do not know how to put into word's how they truely feel... Make sure your not baiting her with things like...how would you hurt them or ask yourself am I asking her or am I making any suggestion's... I'm sure with the right Dr. they will know right away if this is something she's really feels or something she maybe acting out because of the attention it has gotten her this far....

Wendy - posted on 01/15/2011

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as far as the movies go, yeah, im sure she has seen movies with the word stab- no doubt. how do kids w/ underline mental issues act at this age?

Wendy - posted on 01/15/2011

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i just talked to my daughter after reading your responses to my last post. she said when she talks about 'killing' the kitty & 'stabbing' the dentist it is just her way of talking/ expressing her anger. she doesn't want to hurt the kitty really & just wishes the dentist would have to pay for messing my teeth up, but she would't really want to hurt him physically herself-just 'maybe go to jail'. however, the wanting to kill mommy part she said is literal. when she is being lectured, she said she just wishes i would shut up sometimes & when i don't, she starts to want to kill me- ACTUALLY kill me... not just a way of wording her anger, either. she just starts to think about it. i asked if her thoughts went into detail about HOW, etc.... she said not really, she just starts wanting to kill me.(i have to say this thouroughly hurts my feelings, too). i'm afraid to say anything negative, because as we talk, her answers start (oftentimes) with 'what will happen to me if i answer?' i want her to be honest, so i always say 'nothing, i just want you to talk to me'. but, it's hard not to cry.

Kat - posted on 01/15/2011

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Has she been watching any movie"s that has used the word STAB lately??? Cause usually kids with underline mental issues don't usual express themselves this way at this young of age.... BUT i agree that you should let your Dr. know... It could also be that she see's the response it get's from you or the family.. Its good that you have open communication with her too.. And that you are aware of the problem's UNLIKE most parent's that have had their kid's go into their school's with gun's etc..And they usually said' They never saw any sign's"...

Angie - posted on 01/15/2011

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Her desires to kill something are not normal. Take her to therapy and find out what is happening in her mind. She's not okay and is crying out for help.

Wendy - posted on 01/15/2011

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all of you have given me a lot to think about & ideas to try & i appreciate you all taking the time. if anyone has any input on this next thing i'm writing' please reply. tonight i was in a lot of pain & went to the er, due to my (EX)dentist cracking my tooth. when she saw me cry, she said ahe wanted to 'stab' the dentist for hurting me. she said she 'wished she had a knife'.she makes comments like this often when she gets angry with others that are not around. i am the only person i know of her ever hitting in any way, but she makes these types of comments occasionally. is this normal talk for a 7yr. old? or am i just overly worried? over the past 2 days, she has mentioned wishing she had a 'knife to cut/stab' someone on 2 seperate occassions & wanting to 'kill' the kitty once. how should i take this kind of talk? it concerns me. i've told her that all feelings are ok, it's how you respond to them that can be wrong, as a child, i use to have thoughts that bothered me (like someone was prettier than my mom & would make me feel bad). i told her if she ever had bothersome thoughts to talk to me about it because i'd been there & would understand. that seemed to make her happy-that others had been there. after many 'are you sure its ok if i tell you?'s. i found out her thought was 'killing mommy'' - not the thoughts i was expecting at all. she thought this while mad at me & afterward felt bad for thinking it. is this kinda thought process ok/normal if she isn't violent?

Jennifer - posted on 01/12/2011

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Wendy, I can say my son at age 5 done the same things as your daughter. I knew from about the age of 3 something was wrong and just didn't "click" with him and it was as if something was off. But he would get mad over the silly (to me) of things and then go off and I mean beyond anything go off! If the dogs were around, he would kick or hit them, his sister, me, his dad, it didn't matter and it got to the point where we would sit him in his room to calm down then he became violet with his things or himself. But keep a dairy of her day to day things so when you go to the doctor about the ADHD, you will have a record to show them and they can better dignose what the real issue is. I pray you find out what is going on and pray that you get some answers!

[deleted account]

I am not one to advocate for meds or labeling children. Because of that I have endured a tested, strained and hellish relationship with my children, esp the oldest two. My children are currently seeing a therapest. Our home is not leave it to beaver however there is no abuse. Matter of fact my kids dont watch tv, but what I choose to let them see a couple of times a week, etc....I was having the same problem with two of my children. My doctor whom I highly reguard and helped my family to get stabilized told me, children dont hit!, have tantrums, beyond the age to two and arent agressive, if they do there is a problem. It is all in what is acceptable in the home, and the parent decieding to reach out for help. With all that being said I would take her to some therapy and let some one unbiased take a look "in". Best wishes

Stephanie - posted on 01/12/2011

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it sounds like a issue of trasntions going from one activity to another, if so look into a visiual board with the 5 min count down that way an acttivity is over and can move on to the next, helps me and my son, he stopped hitting me because of not being frustated about not knowing what going on when a child knows they are more comfortible moving on. plus a visiual board is easier to carry around when on outtings, dont think its healthy to encourage hitting but thats just me i guess, i hope this may help.........

Wendy - posted on 01/12/2011

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Charlene, ADHD is actually an issue that is currently being addressed concerning her. The weird thing is, she will show signs of it then not show any signs for a while. Right when I'm thinking 'no, I don't think so...', something else pops up to cause concern of this issue. Is that normal w/ADHD? This has actually been a big issue. I made the mistake of mentioning it to her & she got very sad- said it made her feel like something was wrong with her. Her 2 half brothers are ADHD & her half sister is ADD. I don't know what to think...

Wendy - posted on 01/12/2011

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You guys are great & have given me a lot to think about & ideas to try. I am actually planning on trying them all at different times & see which seems to help her the most. Thank you guys for taking the time to help- it means a lot.

Charlene - posted on 01/12/2011

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Hi Wendy First of all is your child hyperactive at all. Because I am raising my grandson and he has ADHD and he used to do that and more. The only thing I can suggest to you is that you take away from her the one thing she loves most and let her know that it's ok to show her feelings but not by hitting. Hope this helps. Charlene

Angie - posted on 01/11/2011

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We did the mad pillow thing too but it only worked for a few weeks and then my daughter grew bored with it. When my daughter used the pillow it was very difficult for her to keep her anger to one thing. If she could have focused her anger on one thing, the anger issue wouldn't have exhisted. Restraint taught her more about how to deal with her anger than any of the other things we tried. I have anger issues and I use clay to mold in my hands when I'm angry. I find throwing clay against a scrap of plywood or a fence in the summer helps. Play-Doh is great in a car - she can mold it or just smush it into the container. I think finding ways for her to channel her anger at an early age will be a benefit. Mine wasn't addressed in childhood and it's been a huge struggle to find an appropriate way to handle my anger.

Candy - posted on 01/11/2011

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Maybe you could have a smaller one for the car and travel. They sale travel pillows. you could even decorate with a mad face painted on the pillow case. I am glad I hope it works for her.I would tell her when she gets mad somewhere and the pillow is not around she has to learn to hold it until she is home with her pillow. Good luck. At her age you could interduce counting to claim down and breathing. Tell her to breath is the claim air and breath out the anger air.

Wendy - posted on 01/11/2011

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cindy, i think the 'mad pillow' idea is great & believe it would work for her. i worry, however, about when we are not @ home or when the pillow is not available to her. any suggestions for those times? (ps. i mentioned the mad pillow to her & she got VERY excited over the idea. she WANTS one!...thank u)

Wendy - posted on 01/11/2011

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angie, what are positive ways to deal with anger? do you (or anyone else!) have any suggestions? (-ps.thanks for the feedback. it was very helpful)

Angie - posted on 01/11/2011

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Some people just need a physical way to deal with their anger and she may be one of the people. Most likely, she is just too young to know how to deal with her anger and will outgrow it as her verbal skills improve. For now, give her a positive way to relieve her stress but keep reminding her that hitting people or animals is not okay and remove her from the situation until she can act appropriately.

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