8yr old cries when its time to see dad.

Elizabeth - posted on 07/20/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Been separated since she was a baby. Was week on week off for awhile which was hard on her and I, but how dare I take her dads time away. she only started getting sad around age 4, however she was afraid of her stepmom so would stop crying real quick like. Now its verbal she says its too much back and forth. stepmom is out of picture and this does not seem to make her sad at all. dad has been gone overseas for 9 months, maybe she just need some more time to adjust to him again. However I feel its too much back and forth too. Everyother weekend would be better, as she's feel she had one home instead of two. Id force her to keep this up, but I feel im seeing some behavior problems, sad easy, hard time adjusting when getting to either home, lying a lot, mean girl a lot. the day she gets back she is clinging to me to do things with her, she has trouble getting back into our routine again, day two she tests all us, so she gets into trouble, then its all good for a day or two till its time to go back, she cries a lot, saying shes so sorry she was bad a lot and hopes she can be better next time so our short weeks together won't be so miserable on everyone, (What a big girl hay)..Help I feel awful for her. I went through this growing up too, but only saw my dad everyother weekend and that was ok with me. I am very close with my dad and mom. Should I trust in her feeling and not make her go so much or is it a faze and she'll get over it. Both homes are safe and loving homes with no real changes. I am worrying we are creating a emotional monster and I need to get a handle on things before shes out of control. She so smart and has great potential to be a wonderful person, but seems more stressed then most adults. is it wrong of us to force our kids to have two homes, don't they need a constant...help me please so torn.

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Elizabeth - posted on 08/02/2013

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I have never kept her from her dad, never even tried. Only concern is weather my daughter is just at the age of tears or if she is trying to tell me something. After a few weeks now she seems better and I do feel its just her being a girl and I am glad she can share in her fear with me. He got custody taken away and we never went to court so he has not changed it as we don't need a court to tell us who has rights. we both do. Thanks for being hard on me, as her mom I just want her happy and I feel bad because I did this to her, but that is something I still need to get over, not the ex, just the fact that I broke up a home. we were never married. I have been helping her dad understand her cries are nothing we can do but support her feeling and tell her to deal with it and maybe she will not cry when she is 9.. She cries and says yes.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/02/2013

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It is better for the kids to know both of their parents, and to be involved with both of their parents.

It is NOT OK for you to let her stay away from her father's, and I seriously doubt he'd be OK with the request either. You need to explain to her that this is a part of her life, and her daddy deserves to spend as much time with her as you do.

And whatever you do, you cannot make an arbitrary decision. If your ex allowed you to retain sole custody without it being a part of your divorce agreement, then that was awfully nice of him, and you owe him the same courtesy. If the divorce agreement determined custody, and you have sole PHYSICAL custody, that still doesn't mean that you get to decide to keep her from her dad, if he wants to see her.

I recommend mediation so that all can be in agreement, and your daughter can understand that this is what she's forced to live with, whether she likes it or not. She has two parents who could not co-habitate, and each deserve to have a relationship with their child.

Elizabeth - posted on 08/01/2013

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I actually have sole custody. We have never been to court and don't plan on starting now. I just wondered what is or is not good for these kids in these two separate home cases. I am worried about her personality in long run. will she never be able to settle down, I hate that she misses me so much. or is it just her tears shes fine while gone and seems fine when back. maybe I need to ignore her tears, just a reaction maybe.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 07/26/2013

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Well, what does your custody agreement say?

Is it a week with you a week with him, or is it different?

Stick to your agreement. If the child is having behavioural issues, you can request an amendment to the agreement, but would have to show the courts why you want it.

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