ANY and all help WELCOME!?

Katie - posted on 09/07/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Posted this in a "Specialty" Group but after more than 24 hours+, had not 1 response? Trying to REPOST here .... Hope this is ok?



Hello -

I'm new here and found the Site literally during this Lonnngggg Day 7 of my oldest Daughter, almost 5-years-old as of October, holding and holding in her BM, yet again.



She was "lightly" diagnosed with Enco. at age 3 after going through 2 days of trying to get some very "constipated / hard" stool out. She SINCE has not wanted ANYTHING to do with getting any more out - even though she has NEVER AGAIN been Constipated OR had hard stool. At the time, the Pediatrician (after my explaining what happened and it being so soon after the Constipation ordeal) said to get her on Miralax, 1 capful ever other day - which we did and she has SINCE been SOFT the rest of the way. When I had asked the Pediatrician "how to handle this?" and "is this a BEHAVIORAL thing?" - he stated that it was VERY COMMON and to have NO WORRIES, that this would rectify itself in time and as long as she does well with her stool being SOFT - she'll get over this, and that he had two daughters going through the same thing at the time.



Here we are at almost 5 years now, and she STILL will hold it as LONG AS SHE CAN, until we start getting on her that she must go - and even THEN, it can take days of waiting.



She IS POTTY TRAINED, and WELL - "wet" wise. And we even got to the point where she was going #2 on the Potty!! We were SO RELIEVED to be at that point, even though it was a lot of crying / whining / and being "reminded" in a constant manner that we NEEDED her to go ... - but, we WERE there.



She could not start School yet because she missed the AGE deadline, and so she starts in August of NEXT YEAR (2013) .... and I've READ that these children when they start, NEED TO BE FULLY POTTY-TRAINED?? So, what ... we just keep her "HOME" until she gets through this? Ugh ....



As she STILL gets "scared" going AT ALL - going on the Potty is a real PUSH - and TODAY, at day 7 now - I DON'T know how to handle this anymore.



My "Husbands" feelings are that this is TOTALLY BEHAVIORAL and MINE are mixed, but I'VE been handling the situation alone because he has REFUSED to "Change" a 5-year-old that won't "GO" on the Toilet, and says she needs a STERN VOICE. I do NOT agree -- she really goes through SUCH EMOTIONAL TURMOIL when she has to go, whether it BE on the toilet or not - and TODAY - well, TODAY her words broke me in half. --------> which brought me here.



Today, she was playing these typical "waiting games" trying to change her mind and buy herself "TIME" saying she'd go if I put her Diapers on, (still, mind you in tears saying this) - then when I said, "Alright, now let's go .... We need to get this OUT." - she'd say that because she wants to be a GOOD GIRL, she should go on the potty like all the other Kids her age and be "brave" - so when we went in the bathroom, she got TERRIFIED - went back and forth on this for like 10 minutes, until we ended up on the Toilet, me sitting in front of her and her crying - and of course, I admit, I got frustrated and said, "Enough, we're not going to do this "crying thing" every time, you need to go and NOW!" ---



.... out of her mouth, came - "Mommy, why are you mad at me? Why can't you FORGIVE me? You're not supposed to be *MEAN TO LITTLE KIDS* and you're making me cry and making it worse ..."



That was it. I let her off, put diapers back on (which are really PULL-UPS and she only uses them at night, OR IF WE GET TO THIS POINT SOMETIMES).



I started looking on the Internet because I'm NOT going to "BE" that person to her. For HER to say what she did, - made me feel HORRIBLE and I had a talk with her after about how Mommy worries about her and that Mommy will NEVER be mean to her - going on about how much I love her.



I'm in tears again NOW just typing this.



I don't know what to do - and the Pediatrician telling me to just "not make a big deal out of it" and "it's common" - DOESN'T HELP ME TO KNOW HOW TO HANDLE when we get to THIS CRUCIAL POINT.



The last 4 days, we upped the Miralax to every day - just to keep her soft and from all of the experience with this - with it every day the past 4 days alone, she will have a very WET stool - as we've been through this many times, almost weekly.



EMOTIONALLY, for HER and me and so that I can INFORM my Husband - and so I can HELP her GO, but NEVER in her eyes, be "mean" - or think she has ANYTHING AT ALL that needs forgiving - what do I do?



She's resting on the couch right now - this was horrible (and really didn't GET HORRIBLE if that makes sense? I was just at a "flat faced STERN at this point, NOT YELLING / SCREAMING - I NEVER do that with my Children anyway) and brought her to REALLY explain how I was making her feel.



Please, please help with answers / experience at this age / ANYTHING to help ....



Thank you SO much, in advance.



PS - we DO know the time-limits / signs of when we need to get her into the Peds office / Hospital - and know we're NOT there yet, she's eating / hungry, drinking - etc., but DON'T WANT TO GET THERE and it's NOT far away ...



Katie

Momma of 2 Girls, ages 5 in October and 2 Years Old.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dove - posted on 09/07/2012

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As for what she said.... my son says that to me EVERY time he gets in trouble. It's emotional blackmail and it doesn't work in this house.



As for the potty issue.... Your husband is not helping matters at all and you need to find a way to get him to back off of her. I know a little girl who had pooping troubles for YEARS over this very same issue. It was a battle for them and using the toilet should not be a battle for anyone. He really needs to be on the same page as you with this or I don't think it will ever 'solve' itself.



Sit your daughter down and talk to her calmly. She knows what's going on.... she wants to please you, but because of that bad experience she is terrified and her fear just makes the situation that much worse. It is probably a behavior thing, but you can't bully 'bad' (SHE is not bad at all... and neither is this behavior) behavior out of someone. Get her a stack of pull ups that she has easy access to... preferably in the bathroom. Get some large ziploc baggies and some baby wipes and put them with the pull ups. Teach her how to clean herself up and to zip up all the mess in the baggie (and wash her hands). Put her completely in control of when she goes and just back off. Don't even mention poop after putting her in charge of it. You can also get her a sticker chart to reward herself with a sticker every time she does it all (and so you can 'keep track' of if she's actually going). Let her know that you are available to help her if she asks for help, but that she is a big girl now and you know she can handle it.



I don't KNOW that this will work, but what you guys are doing obviously isn't working so it's worth a shot.

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Katie - posted on 09/07/2012

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haha, yes, I know it seems long, and IS - however, Pediat. Stated, if she's eating, active, no fever or pain or upset stomach (and gosh, she's gone 2 weeks at times, and then GONE, so - we're not in danger zone, AND because we're in constant daily touch with Pediatrician who is very aware of her "History" and her normal behavior / lengths she goes, etc - we're still ok right now.



You have GREAT ideas, especially for someone who's not gone through this and I appreciate so much, your posting .... Gives me at LEAST something to think about.



AND, BECAUSE these "Games" do NOT fly with US either, THINKING it was her "behavior", was WHY i was I was telling her yesterday, that "I had had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH young Lady and you're GOING to sit on this Potty, or keep those Diapers ON until you go!!".



It has NEVER gotten to THIS point with her crying and emotional before, she'd USUALLY see that her "games" weren't working, and GO POOP? So, yester, just took a turn.



... But a BIG TURN, and I can't / WON't do that again.



Thank you again.

Katie

Dove - posted on 09/07/2012

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Well... my idea of letting her be 100% in charge may not work so well if she needs help getting cleaned up, so you may have to modify my suggestion a bit to somehow include you in on the clean up.



She's on day 8 of not pooping? Then you monitoring it/reminding her about it really isn't working out so well, is it? I don't think any of my kids (or myself) have ever gone longer than 2 days w/out pooping.....



I don't KNOW anything here as I have zero direct experience with kids and poop issues. I'm just throwing stuff out there and that's all I've got. ;)

Katie - posted on 09/07/2012

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Thanks for replying .... Gosh, we're on day 8 now!!?? I would TOTALLY try that!! With much enthusiasm!! There are 2 concerns I have though, and maybe you could "suggest" some ideas about these?



1) She DOESN'T "clean" herself well at ALL after her BM's .... Infact, to the point it is a concern of it getting all over. She's OBSESSED with "Poop" in that she always wants to see what it looks like, etc - almost DISSECT it? It would be a mess ...



2) if WE don't monitor / keep reminding, I'm AFRAID that she'll never go and get to the point of vomitting?? How can we give her full run, when if it were UP to HER, she'd rather NEVER go?? LOL??



Would love your suggestions, and sat down with Husb. Last night and PUT him on board, he understands and has backed off 100%! thank God ....



I'm all for this, aside from questioning these 2 things ...?

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