Counting blessings

Shonene - posted on 12/25/2009 ( 3 moms have responded )

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After an early start to a nutty day full of excitement, I wanted to take the time to verbalize my "emotional" state of mind before nostalgic moments of the day fade.

I had my "AH-HA" moment around 7:20 a.m. while watching my 5 year old daughter and 13 month old son ooo and aaahhh over the gifts Santa Claus left during his noncturnal visit last night.

MY AH-HA moment:

For the last 8 and half years I have felt incredibly empty, just a shell of myself and the reason behind this has been the unexpected death of my 47 year old mother. I never had the opportunity to say good bye, tell her how much I appreciated what she did for me, express how her sacrifices have made me the woman I am today, or congratulated her for just being my mother.



Today, I realized while watching my two WONDERFUL children: my own mother is still alive. She lives through me, my children and their children. I have honored my mother by becoming the kind of mother she was to me. Strong, independent, compassionate, firm and loving at the same time.

I have immortalized her by providing the same DNA she gave to me. Through my children my mother was here today to celebrate my 8th Christmas with my Husband, my 6th with my daugher, and my 2nd with my son. Though I miss her being here physically, miss hearing her laugh, miss her sense of humor, and miss her FANTASTIC elderberry pie: I was able to embrace my babies today and feel the love for through their love for me.



So I am counting my blessings today. Though they are beyond numbers: I am incredibly thankful for the man who gave me my children; and I am thankful for my wonderful children. Who have helped me honor, continue to love, and are a fantastic memorial to the incredible woman who gave me life. I love you, MOM~Merry Christmas, whereever you are and may you continue your walk around the milkway!

Your Daughter

Shonene

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Shonene - posted on 12/28/2009

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Thank you Valerie and Heather! Sometimes in this crazy world, I think we all feel like we are the only ones to have ever lost a loved one (especially a parent). It's like belonging to an exclusive club, where the membership dues are very high.

You both give me inspiration and Heather you made me realize, like you said, I am not my mom. I have had tremendous anxiety about leaving my children too soon. I have kept a journal marking triumphs, disasters, SPECIAL life lessons, documented memories for them both. All in the event I am not around to say those things. I would have given anything to have my mom around for both pregnancies, to have the advice and I remember when's that only a mother can give. So I put pen to paper, wrote down everything little thing I can think of. From who I am as a mother, to what has shaped me as a woman.

Thank you both: warm hugs to you (and anyone else that may read this who has lost someone close) and I hope and wish every one a Happy, TRULY happy new year.

[deleted account]

i too lost my mom when she was in her 40's, for the last few years i have had anxiety and panic attack about leaving my own two children too soon, i also never got to say goodbye. like you i had an ah-ha moment a few days before christmas... only mine was letting go. i realized that i am not my mother, and i didnt make the same life choices that she did.even though i love her and miss her everyday, im not her, and i will be here for my kids. once i had that moment, it was as if my whole life came back into focus. =) you are lucky to have such great memories of you mom...

good luck to you on your journey ....

Valerie - posted on 12/27/2009

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well done shonene. it is a hard thing to lose ur mam. i did when i was pregnant seven years ago. there are times when i look at my 6 year old daughter and see my mam. thats when it gets a little easier to accept that eventhough they are gone they are stil with us. so big hugs to u and ur family . and to ur mam in the stars xxx

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