Does anyone else have a 9 yearl old dauther that can help

Amanda - posted on 12/29/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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I have a nine year old daughter and I am having some emotional issues with me. I can't get her to tie her shoes and button her pants. When I try to talk to her she thinks its all a game. Is this normal.

Help me out here please.

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Mary - posted on 12/31/2009

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I had some struggles between my 9 year old dtr at the start of the school year this year. Thought it could be just the stage she was going through and tried to give her some space, thinking it could be pre-teen angst. Things didn't seem to get any better, and ended up focusing on having some special time with her on a regular basis (give each other a manicure; she likes to cook so I try to have her help me make dinner 1x/week; bedtime is sacred--we do what she wants: read a book, scratch her back, etc) this has done wonders for us. Might work if you thought she was just needing some attention. Good luck, and good work Momma!

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I have a doll my mum bought me when I was a little girl, its a soft raggy anne looking doll that has shoe lace string on her shoes, I didnt realise the importance of it till I was older, all the times she told me to get my doll "ready" she was teaching me how to get myself ready with out the presure, Im not sure how old it is that girls grow out of dolls, but it really doesnt have to be a doll that you practise with. When you have free time and not needing to go out, do some craft with your daughter, wool is pretty cheap, so sit with her making bows out of wool and stick them to a peice of cardboard, it takes the presure off but teachers her how to do it, and then when she refuses to tie her laces, tell her you know she can do it as she managed the bows on the cardboard. same with buttons, when your ironing a shirt ask her to button the shirt up for you so you can place it on a hanger, and make a big deal out of how good she is at helping you. Then when she needs to button her pants remind her of the shirts she has helped you with. You will soon know if she is simply being dificult or if she really has a dificulty. Some kids just need to believe in them selves with out feeling that they are being presured.

Cathy - posted on 01/05/2010

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I beleve in choice, I have a 17, 5, 4, 3, and 2 year old and I have found that if you give them the choice between say doing up their pants or whatever it may be or say not watching TV for a day and let them make the decision on what it is they want to choose then they have chosen the punishment and it takes all responsibility away from you making it easier on you. You just have to reinforce that it is their choice and give them the options to choose from. Then all you just have to follow through with the punishment if they choose the wrong one. They will only do this a couple of times before they realise that it is them making the wrong decision. You just keep reinforcing to them that they were the ones that chose not to say "watch TV that night" it was not you that made that decision. I hope that this makes sense. Good Luck

Sutton - posted on 01/02/2010

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Do you really feel that this is an 'emotional game' she's playing or has she been able to do these things on her own in the past? Reason I ask.. when my now-9 yr old daughter was 5 and 6, we discovered she had a small issue with fine motor skills/dexterity. How is your daughter's handwriting? Maybe she could be having some dexterity issues and doesn't want to worry you/feel inadequate about it?

If all is fine in this area, then consider that at the ages our daughters are at now, they are more than likely having some confusion about wanting to be a 'big girl' but at the same time, it's scary to think of 'breaking away' from Mommy and I know with my own daughter, having a little brother is sometimes hard.. she sees me still having to baby him (somewhat.. he's 6) and she sees how much time he takes away from her, so we butt heads over silly things like this too.

Now that I think of it.. unless it's truly 'crunch time' before school, she prefers to have me still help her get dressed for school.. I gotta change that!!!!! Eeeeek!

Of course, when it comes to your tying shoes dilemma... the popularity of the sneakers and shoes our kids wear doesn't help.. my kids wear Sketchers that are all slip on/stretchy tops.. it IS a royal pain when they then get shoes they have to tie! We have become a victim of our society.. the lost art of shoe tying... oh my....

Teresa - posted on 01/01/2010

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mine is the opposite, she does everything for herself and my 5 yr old is nearly doing everything too, try complimenting everytime she does something u have asked her to do, try not to yell, it doesn't help, get down on her level when u talk to her and tell her she is a big girl and all girls her age do these things for themselves, good luck.

Leigh - posted on 01/01/2010

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I have an 8 year old and a 4month old and before the baby came i was doing alot for my 8 yr old when she asked me too or she'll cry or be very stubborn about it, and drag out getting ready for an hour, so id eventually give in and do it for her. Leading up to the birth of the baby i realised i couldnt and wouldnt have time for all that so i had to refuse to do things for her and after about 3wks of tantrums and attitude she learnt that i wasnt going to be doing those things for her any more. She is alot happier since, as she is more confident in herself, and knows that she is capable to do alot more than she or i thought.

Patricia - posted on 12/31/2009

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Is it possible she could be starting puberty? I started early and maybe the hormones are making her act out. I hit at 10. Just a thought.

Rachel - posted on 12/31/2009

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I'm sorry are you talking about my step daughter??? It sounds like we have the same child, except mine does that with everything. She will not zip her coat, brush her teeth, brush her hair, put socks on, tuck her pocket's in on her pants, tie her shoes, anything and everything. What her issue is is attention. I told my husband that if he wanted to live a peacefull life he would immediately put her in councling, as I couldn't take it anymore! The councelor said that she just want's attenion. I have done several different types of punishments, like letting her go out like that, taking away things, making her stay home while we went out, everything and nothing worked. Our latest idea is making her write I will not...... 150 times to start, and if she back talkes with attitude about that she has to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out. She hates that, and usually for a week or so her attitude changes. I'm sorry that I don't have anything good to offer you, but you're not alone.

Anita - posted on 12/30/2009

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I have a 10 year old daughter and she didn't behave like that - not that she's an angel either!. I would just let her go out they way she dresses herself - her mates/friends will probably laugh at her but this may just be the shock she needs to be independant. Another option is to talk to her best friend or her best friends mum to see if there are any issues going on in your daughter's life that you are not aware of? LOL

Hilary - posted on 12/30/2009

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I have a 10 year old and an 8 year old... My 10 year old has alot of maturity issues and is ADHD, we have some of those issues with her from time to time. Like everything else in my house though, if she can do it, she is made to do it. Coping skills for her come into play here though because there is usually a melt down with it. But eventually, we get past it and move on to the next one. Counseling has helped alot with coping skills with her also. You might consider looking into that for your daughter. It could help her more than you think. 2 of my 5 kids go to counseling, even if they don't need to and just hang out and chat, its good for them to have someone other than mom to talk to and to tell them the same things that mom would. Not a psychologist or a shrink.... just a certified counselor can help a ton!

Rebecca - posted on 12/30/2009

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Being from a family with health issues I would be interested in finding out IF she can do it. It is unusual but not unheard of for young children to get arthritis. I have Fibromyalgia and can't button shirts very well anymore.
I hope it's more of a behaviour issue, than a physical one.

User - posted on 12/30/2009

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My daughter is 8 and a half. She comes up with some crazy combinations of outfits. I have let her know that it is ok to have your own "style" as long as it is appropriate for being in public or going to school. Buttoning your jeans and tying you shoes is expected for a girl her age. Otherwise she won't go and do fun activities. Let her pick out some comfy play clothes for weekends and after school. Don't get into a power struggle with her. Let he know what is expected and leave it at that. When she continues to act inappropriately with not being completely ready to go then she owes you the time she's wasted over this issue. Maybe taking her time away whether it be no tv, not going over to a friend's house or something she's been asking to do will help her realize that when her time is being wasted it's not such a funny game anymore. Remember, choose your battles, you are the mom after all. This issue will pass soon and having you be a good strong leader and role model will help her a lot. Don't make a big deal over it just let her know, if she values her time this clothing issue will stop otherwise you will decide how she uses her time. I think when you take some of her independence, free time, etc. this will no longer be a problem.

Danielle - posted on 12/29/2009

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Mine is turning 11 in a couple weeks, but we did have the pants issue with her. Come to find out her father's wife was after her about getting fat if you do this or do that and blah blah way out of line. The pants issue for us was solved because her pants were getting too tight and they hurt her belly when they were buttoned. She didn't want to say anything about them being too tight because she was afraid of being told it was because she was too fat because she ate some potato chips at a friend's house. I am sure your problem isn't as extreme, but is she maybe uncomfortable in her pants and shoes is they are tied and buttoned so she wants to leave them undone?

[deleted account]

Maybe you could talk to her about the move? My oldest daughter was having problems like this every time we moved. Maybe she's having trouble adjusting. Maybe the kids are making fun of her or she feels left out somehow. It's hard to fit in with a new group of kids.
One thing I used to do is I would give her a time limit, then if she wasn't done in the allotted time I would either have her go like she was (when practical) or I would do it for her. Being independant, she did NOT like that at all. Let her know how much time she has and what the consequences will be if not done in that time period. Don't be afraid to get creative. Sometimes we have to think outside the box beyond the simple answers. You know your child best. Is there something she hates? Is there something she would hate to have taken away?
Another idea is a sticker chart. If she gets it done quickly, she gets a sticker on her chart. It seems silly to us, but kids love that kind of stuff.

Amanda - posted on 12/29/2009

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Oh yeah we just moved to a new town and new school. But she's been doing this for about 1 year now.

Angie - posted on 12/29/2009

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Neither of my girls went through that (they're 11 and 9). Don't give in to her if she is capable of doing this. Just remind her that you can't leave the house until she gets herself dressed. She'll soon learn that it's better to do what she needs to do than give you a hard time. It sounds like she's craving attention - have there been any changes in your household lately????

Heidi - posted on 12/29/2009

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I have not seen this with my step daughter. I agree with Susan. Have you asked her why she is acting out?

Susan - posted on 12/29/2009

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well maybe while she is in this phase, get her slip-on shoes or velcro and elastic waist pants. If she hates them, she'll comply with tying her shoes and buttoning her pants,or you can let her go out like that and the comments she gets will motivate her to tie and button...embrace the simple confrontations, they get more complicated as they get older!

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