Help!! is my daughter a bully?

Samantha - posted on 05/17/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Help!! i dont know what to do... this afternoon at school i was approached by a mother and was politly told that she was concerned that my daughter 7years old was bullying her daughter aged 5 and another girl aged 7 in the class she has bee accused of calling one girl ugly and another girl fat, im really confused as this doesn't sound like the actions of my child and am now very confused as to what i should do next , i know i need to talk to my daughter about this but how do i do that without accusing her before i know her side of the story? She was very good friends with one of the girls but since has made some new friends in the class as more children have now joined the school, could this be due to the other children feeling pushed out by my daughter as she know longer plays with them very often or could she be turning into a bully? she has been known to be bossy with her friends but ive never known her to be horrible, really need so advice. thankyou.

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Christy - posted on 05/18/2011

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Is your daughter your oldest child? Her bossiness could definitely turn to bullying and hurtful towards other kids. Take the other mother's words at face value and discuss the situation with your daughter. Help her understand that words hurt and it's best to be nice. Help her learn to walk away from a situation if she's frustrated so that she doesn't hurt others. Practice at home and make sure that you and dad are not using any condescending words towards her or anyone else for that matter.

My youngest started out a bully. We've done a lot of training to teach appropriate behavior and what to do in a difficult situation. He's 7 now and we work on it daily. The good news is he's doing great!

Christy
mother of 4!

Melanie - posted on 05/19/2011

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the question I would be asking is was this a one off event or has it been systematic.

If it was a one off event (eg your daughter said your not my friend anymore because you are fat), it was playing with hurtful language and pretty normal for that age group. A simple conversation with some role playing, if I said (insult) to you how would that make you feel, if it makes you feel like that how do you think x felt when you said it to them. Be aware this may cause your daughter to cry as they realise the consequences of their actions.

If it is simply this the other child involved also needs to learn some resilience - something you can teach your daughter also. Stop it, I don't like it when you say ..... is a an example.

Bulling on the other hand is long term. If your daughter was bulling these other children she would have to name calling etc everyday (and possibly several times a day). This is much more serious and stronger consequences need to in place. Talk like I suggested above but also have consequences and work together with the school. Have consequences for breaches of the agreement.

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Jen - posted on 06/02/2011

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My youngest is a sweetie; very cuddly; and adorable; polite, helpfull...all-around-cutie....at home.



In the last couple months I've come to the realization that she is different at school; she's different with her peer group or just kids her own age at school then she would be here.



Its starting to show up a bit at family gatherings when she's with her cousins. Not that she's a bully...she's just...not acting as nicely as I am trying to raise her.



School is a different social situation then home-life. She's gotta learn the same rules apply...and I point them out to her. She's realizing she's been caught out..and I frequently ask her how she's behaving with the kids at school and remind her to be nice etc.



It hasn't changed the relationship or her self-esteem etc to point it out. She just realizes that her mom really does know everything. ;)

Samantha - posted on 06/02/2011

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After a long disscussion with her teacher, i found out the other mum had talked to her about the fat comment that had been made, the teacher was also very shocked for it to be my daughter that had been accussed as although she can be bossy (which can sometimes been seen as bullying) she is a very calm and plesent child, the teacher has since sat and spoken to my daughter and x about the fat comment to find out the other child had been lying and it was due to my daughter moving into another circle of friends and her being left out! that se had said the hurtful things about her. as for the 5 year old child that my daughter had been blamed for the teachers where not aware of any situation being between them (this child being a very good friend of X and the parents being very close!) the teacher will keep in mind both situations and keep an eye out for all of them. I talked to my daughter about bullying and she understands that we will not tolerate any form of bullying be it her being bullied or her doing the bullying and explained to her in great depthes how hurtful and damaging it can be to a person.

Donna - posted on 05/18/2011

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I would approach the teacher first, maybe she could have a word with the whole class about bullying, my eldest was bullied at playgroup by a friends son and in the end my friend removed her son from the playgroup, its horrible finding out your child's being bullied but must feel horrible to find out that your child could be the bully, children can be very harsh to each other at times one minute and then best friends again the next.

Try to keep an open mind about the situation and get help from the teacher after all she is with them for most of the day x

Debbie - posted on 05/18/2011

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i'ld ask her whats been happening and get her side of the story. i would say if its not something you would expect from her its starting on the other side or peer pressure. if there are new children, they may all be finding where they fit in the group so hopefully wont last. good luck :)

Candace - posted on 05/18/2011

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Your daughter is showing signs of insecurity. You must ask yourself why. She may also have some anger she does not understand. Sometimes children are feeling this way because of issues at home or a lack of instruction in values. Permissive parenting seems to be a trend these days in many households that is extremely damaging to children. Sit your child down and make sure she knows that there will be zero tolerance of her bullying other children. Then give her tools to deal with feelings of jealousy and anger. Do you know what those are? If you do not, get some parenting classes that include an explanation of the three styles of parenting and how they affect a child. Start now because by age 17, you do not want a child who is out of control.
From a mom with an Early Childhood degree with a concentration in early intervention.

Deborah - posted on 05/18/2011

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First thing you should do is talk to your daughter's teacher. If the teacher cannot verify what this other mom told you, have a chat with your daughter about her friends at school. Unless this mom witnessed her doing these things firsthand I don't see why you should think she's a bully. Find out all of the facts before you worry yourself grey.

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