help me please???? is anone else in this boat??? is it normal???

Michelle - posted on 04/02/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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I have a 8 yr old step son but to me he is a son and not a step...when he was 4 his egg doner of a mother's ex boyfriend abused him and left bruises all over his butt...dhs stepped in and gave my husband primary residency and he lives with us now.....she gets weekend visits but she only takes him at her convenience and goes months with no contact and shows just how little she really cares about him....I am not sure it his behavior has anything to do with this but that is the background of it....so I desperately need help and guidance he is 8 and still pees the bed so we are working on it....few yrs back we found pee in his toy box we washed it up to him getting up late and being disoriented...i had to clean it all up and we just gave him a heads up like the following yr i find a corner in the back of his closet was destroyed from pee unknown how may times he did it...so he got grounded.....few months ago i find another spot soaked from pee...this time he was grounded for a week....today yet again we find his toy box destroyed and all his and his younger brothers toys destroyed and when confronted he just states i don't know why i did it.....i cant control my balder.....can anyone help??????





he has been in counseling since he was about 4 yrs old and we haven't gotten to much help...as of right now we have stopped the visits cause we don't think it is safe for him to be at his moms because she just got out of a mental institution and we believe she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and recently she tried to TRADE me her youngest baby from another guy for a copy of her mothers death certificate and we are afraid that she may do it to my son as well....i have spoken to the doc as well and they just say it is normal or it may be stress.......it has been 6 yrs now so he knows me and daddy are together and he loves living her and the therapist says he don't want a relationship with his mom at all so i don't think it bothers him to much when she don't take him for long periods at a time....and as for school he has no accidents there so it seems like more or a attention thing or something...how do you discipline that tho? we tell him we love him all the time and he calls me mom and we have a wonderful family but at the same time i don't think we can just ignore the bad behavior and pretend it didn't happen he needs to have a consequence..

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Kim - posted on 04/06/2010

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I have to wonder if he is doing this so that his 'mother' would have a reason not to be with him. I am a bad boy, that is why mom doesn't come to see me. That is easier to take than my mother doesn't like me so she stays away. He is 8, so logic is not always logical. Peeing in the bed is not controlable for many kids I would leave that one alone. And if his 'accidents' were in his pants I could buy the 'medical issue' idea. However, he purposefully exposes himself and pees. NOT an accident, but a choice.

I once knew a foster son who was so abused sexually by his mother, yes mother, that when he was in foster care he was found 'masterbating' and would 'climax' by peeing. This boy was only 4 years old!

I would gently question the OTHER son to make sure he is not present when the peeing occurs. Abused kids don't know what to do with the behaviors, even the nasty ones they encountered with adults, so they act them out. Since you can't truly know the extent of the abuse he was subjected to, I would be cautious with him and not let him be 'alone' with other kids.

As far as your therapist, fire him/her. 4 years and you have seen no progress? A good therapist will give you good results within 6 weeks! I have taken my oldest to one for other behavioral problems and the therapist had her changing some behaviors almost immediately!

I agree with the other mom who suggested you make him clean up whatever it is he has peed on. That is a natural consequence for his actions not a punishment but a matter of life. If you mess it up, you have to clean it. Just like picking up your shoes and clothes.
I would show no emotion when you find it just hand him what he need to do the job. You will want to go back and reclean whatever it was, but never let him know you are doing this.

Michelle, this boy has a chance because he has you. I would also like to suggest that you make a date with him twice a month. On the days he is 'supposed' to see his egg donor, I would call it "Mommy and Me Day." If she is to see him Saturday at 2, then at 2:30 YOU take him somewhere. Just the 2 of you. So no matter what, on the day he will be going with Mommy (that would be you) and do something fun. Instead of getting you as the 'booby prize" you can say "Great it is my turn!" Either way, he will feel special and loved. Who doesn't need that? You have stepped in in ever other way for the woman, why not step in on this one too? You might be surprised at the boy you come home with.

Good luck, and enjoy him

Kekua - posted on 04/04/2010

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It seems like inner turmoil - rage/frustration/whatever you want to call it. When kids are young, a lot of the time they feel like there is little-to-nothing they have power over, which is true, really. There's few things they can truly control, their eating habits and their toilet habits are the most obvious to them so those are how they most often act out.

I think that you should have him clean whatever messes you find. Even if it doesn't really get clean and you end up doing it again after him b/c what you're really after is having him go through the "atonement" so to speak and being responsible for his own mistakes.

My second suggestion is something called projection. There's something that he's hurt or angry about and while it seems very likely that it has something to do with his abuse, he may have no idea why he's doing it and it actually doesn't matter yet. What you want to discover is the emotion that's driving it. So projection would be you supplying an emotion and projecting it onto him. "You must have been feeling angry to want to pee on your toys/shelf/etc..." Which, usually, the child would follow with something like 'yeah I was mad b/c...' or 'no I wasn't mad I was...' or even just 'yeah.' If he's really not forthcoming or you're only gettng one syllable answers you could ask what was he thinking about when he decided to do it or how was he feeling when he defided to do it. Of course this only works if you find it soon enough that he still remembers doing it, so you kind of have to check over his stuff kind of regularly so that you can catch it whenever it happens.

The other suggestion I have is modeling. Let him see you drawing or coloring about something that you were angry or upset about or writing it down. I think the drawing is the best option b/c most kids will be curious when they see their mother using crayons, lol, and will naturally want to know what you're coloring and you can then respond with "well, such and such happened today and it made me really upset so I'm expressing that with my picture b/c it helps me to not be so angry/upset about it." Whenever I draw/write like this, I also tear up and throw away whatever I drew/wrote. I told my kids: I was so (emotion) and I don't like feeling so (emotion) so I wrote/drew it to get it out of me and then I threw it away b/c I don't want that feeling.

Again, as far as stopping the behavior, you have to go after the emotion itself, not the event that caused it. Behavior like this (in a mentally healthy child) is an expression. What he needs to learn is how to express himself in a more "normal" socially acceptable way but at that age a lot of kids are still not even aware of exactly what they're feeling without some guidance on recognizing certain emotions in themselves. Of course once you get through that you still may want to have him in therapy but I think you need to seek a different child psychologist if the one you had isn't working out.

[deleted account]

I am by no stretch of the imagination a psychiatrist but it sounds like your son may be having control issues. He is unable to control many things in his life but the one thing he can always control is where he "goes". My only suggestion you may already be doing, any chance you have give him a choice. For example, let him pick what is for dinner a few nights a week, allow him to make choices on what to wear or even what to do. If you don't mind going to the park or going bowling, allow him to choose. Most importantly listen to him, don't offer advice unless he asks for it, often times our children just want us to listen, understand, and know we love them no matter what.

Rachael - posted on 04/06/2010

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Calmly hand him a brush and a bucket of soapy water and have him clean it up himself. Supervise but don't help (you may have to reclean it later, that's not the point.) If he complains (and he will) explain calmly that you know it is an accident, but that we have to take care of our mistakes even if they are accidents. State bluntly, this is not a punishment. You accidentally made a mess. You need to clean it up. (Treat it like asking him to get a towel when he spills his milk.) While he cleans, keep him company and see what he says.

I would find a new counselor perhaps an art therapist--maybe he is having trouble vocalizing. It is unlikely that he doesn't feel some defensiveness and resentment. He may be doing this to "prove" that you love him and won't desert him no matter how "bad" he is. His "real" mother doesn't want him. She doesn't value him. She let a horrible person do a horrible thing to him--when he was young enough that he likely didn't know how to express his feelings of fear and shame. Children often act out in order to push caring adults away in order to test them (or to reinforce feelings--often subconscious--that they deserve to be abandoned or abused.)

29 Comments

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Julie - posted on 04/12/2010

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I am not in your situation and I don't want you to think in any way I am judging you because I am not. I can't imagine what you must be going through. With that said, I understand that he has had issue's that may be the cause of this however, maybe if you hold him responsible for his actions? Make him clean it up, don't replace things of his that have been destroyed by the urine. Also have you tried having him wear the night time boxers? Because it seems to me like if it was a bladder control problem he would be urinating in his pants, not in corners or toy boxes. It sounds more behavioral, like maybe he is angry and doesn't know how to express his feelings so he does this instead to see what his limits are.

Jaclyn - posted on 04/09/2010

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I have to agree with the posts about trying a new counselor. We have had to try 3 different counselors before we found one who could actually help my stepson. And although he still has issues, they are getting better.

The pee thing sounds like an emotional issue that really only a therapist could help. Maybe it is anxiety, maybe it is a control thing... a good therapist can help you sort that out. And yes child abuse does leave long effects. Even though the physical harm has long healed, I can guarantee it left emotional and mental scars for him... and although he's happy with you, I'm sure it is salt on his wounds that his own Mom doesn't want to see him. That is usually hard for kids to admit to or open up to, he may be feeling that is all his fault and things. I know my stepson goes through those feelings as well. A new and better therapist is the key to moving forward in my opinion.

Cassie - posted on 04/07/2010

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My son did/does the same thing. My children were abused by their father and he has seem to fallen off the face of the earth for about 3 years now. The only thing i can say is be very kind and gentle. My son doing this is related to ADD along with some other disorders. Have you talked to your sons doctor? Is this the only behavior problem? You know he is a good kid now you just have to remind him and show him everyday even when he messes up! best of luck to you!!!!

Patricia - posted on 04/07/2010

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This sounds like Post tramatic Stress Disorder to me I would continue with the counseling and if you feel it is not helping go to a different one regardless of whether he says it does not bother him or not I am sure it bothers him that his mother does not want to see him. Research Post Tramatic Stress Disorder seek help from counselors and pediatricin as well as your husband be patient he may have long lasting effects that may never go away. I have a cousin who's mother abandoned him at a young tender age and he was definately sexually abused at a young age and he continues to struggle at age 29. Unfortunately sometimes damage done young can have lasting effects I pray for you be strong this little boy needs you.

User - posted on 04/07/2010

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It might be a lack of control. If his egg donor just comes whenever she wants then the little guy has no idea when she's going to come. Most little ones like schedules. Plus if her behavior is spastic he might be uncomfortable and not realize it or how to tell you. It might also be stress. When my little girl was in kindergarden she ended up peeing on herself during school for two weeks. We found out that the teacher was putting alot of unnedded pressure on the children. As stupid as it sound he might find it easier to talk to a stuffed animal or a love relative. Also if make sure he doesn't have a problem with who your taking him to for counseling if the person reminds him of his mom he might not open up

Geri - posted on 04/07/2010

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Well I would definitely say that its an emotional problem....I have 3 kids and none of mine have ever done that ....get a second opinion...get him evaluated...talk to your pediatrician..get a referral/reference to a child therapist that has a clue. Call social services ask questions regarding his behavior...call his school..find out if they are having any problems with him there...talk to the guidance councilor..I would be asking everyone that could possibly help .... I am sorry I can not suggest anything else..other than spanking or punishing him for this I really feel is not going to fix it...only because he is not little...he knows better but is still doing it...there are underlining issues at work here...fix them and you fix him... :)

Uney - posted on 04/07/2010

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My youngest son has almost the same problem at first would just say he is young and just to busy. then I would ground him. that did not work. then I got worried he would pee at school almost every day. I finally took him to his doctor they did some checking and have him on meds for his bladder

Kim - posted on 04/06/2010

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If he was just having accidents in his bed I would want you to know that a lot of kids wet the bed until they are older. My son is 10 and still does, he had relatives that we the bed until 7, 11, and maybe 17. He is a sound sleeper and just doesn't wake up.

Is he wetting around the room while he is awake or could he be sleep walking? Stress can lead to sleep walking. I'd try to keep an eye on him a little more and see if it is something he is doing on purpose or not. I just thought of another thing, could he be afraid to get up at night to use the bathroom? Maybe the ex boyfriend threatened him if he came out of his room at night and now he is afraid to leave his room? he may not even be aware of why at this point. You could always put a little potty in there and see if it helps. He'd really have to stoop to use it though. I hope things get better for all of you soon.

Heather - posted on 04/06/2010

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Oh sweetheart I am so sorry!!! Raising kids is so hard...Please find a new Counselor the one you are seeing is a quack..My son's Counselor is fantastic.. There is nothing normal about him marking your house with urine... God bless you and your family and I hope that you find help for him...

Emily - posted on 04/06/2010

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Sorry what a hard situation, I feel for yous and your son, sounds like he has had a rough time in his first years of life , poor wee man some people just dont deserve to be mothers and fathers, hes might need lots of attention he probably seeking any that he can get neg or post, how is his realationship with his dad? 8 yr old boy need their dads fully involved in their lives, sounds like you doing a great job not giving up on him and giving him a loving enviroment to live in, consequences or peeing every where, you have to have some may have to get him to clean it up? keep asking why he doesnot go toilet keep up the good work ,, good luck xxx

Jami - posted on 04/06/2010

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The peeing is actully normal "kinda" my brother did it as well for years the only thing was he did it when he was a sleep at night and even during his naps he knew he did it you might see if thats when he does it sleep studies at hospital are usually the wasy to go.

Jeniffer - posted on 04/06/2010

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you are truly a brave and wonderful woman and how lucky is this child to have you it sounds to me as though you are taking the right steps is there a possibility that he was sexually abused before he came to you. this may be his way of venting his anger at being hurt by his mother. Make sure he understands it is ok to be angry and it is ok to talk to you about it and if his behavior continues he ABSOLUTELY must have a consequence take his bedroom door off of the hinges or put him in pull ups at night and explain to him that this is unacceptable and will NOT be tolerated there are other ways to express his anger

Diane - posted on 04/06/2010

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I think that the advice posted by Kakua is right on! The advice she is giving is great and it is obvious that she has had some education in regards to kids that have ongoing issues. I would def try it and like she said try a different therapist until you fing the right one. There are alot of people with a license to be a Dr., therapist or a psyciatrist , but alot of times you will find that they are not helpful do to a lack of knowledge. If you are not seeing progress with a therapist ect. then find another one until you find the right one. I often ask people that i know in the medical feild who the recommend. You may also need help from a therapist to help you with the advice Kekua gave you. Good luck!!!!

April - posted on 04/06/2010

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Hi Michelle, it sounds like you are working with an emotional issue in this little man.. the peeing can be a type of emotional release.. I would try providing him with some sort of bucket or other receptacle in his room and allowing him to pee in a place he feels is safe for him.. the fact that he is peeing in his room indicates he feels safe there.. lots of positive parenting and praise when he uses the bucket.. and no response when he doesnt.. an indifference to the mistakes and praise for the attempt to use the correct item will eventually have a beneficial effect on his psyche.. as far as more counselling goes.. if he has been seeing a counsellor for 4 years already, chances are he feels like there IS something wrong with him.. ideally you want him to feel happy within himself..so perhaps seeking assistance yourself in ways to assist him rather than continual analysis of his behaviour would help him too.. then the love that you undoubtedly have for him will be obvious to him too..

The bladder lies in the emotional chakra and if he is suffering emotional stress that he cannot articulate, then a release from this area is helping him.. as suggested earlier.. enabling him to continue that release in his chosen "safe space", but in a more appropriate way will help him to reach a point where he can deal with it on a different level and begin expressing himself in different ways.. the example method above where you display your own emotions in picture form is a great leveller.. and brings you back to a level he can relate to..

All in all, I think you are doing a great job and to have asked for assistance here shows that you genuinely love and care for him.. At 8 they are beginning to solidify their personalities, so keep working with him and trying to remain positive and validate what he is working through.. feelings of abandonment run deep, and emotional stres can be very difficult to come through at any age..I am fairly certain he understands consequences, but his safe space is more important to him than the consequences you are facing him with.. we can all be emotionally stubborn and hold onto things we should let go of.. and at his age, he is still very much in the 'feeling' mode of growth..

I hope this has helped you a little, and perhaps given you some strength to continue to explore ways to help your son.. Good luck and keep up the great love you show him.. Love and Light to you and your family..

Ashley - posted on 04/05/2010

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I would say take him back to counseling my Step-sons counsaler said peeing like that can be a sign of some type of abuse.. dont let it go push for them to figure it out...my step-son pees EVERYWHERE in the house...but just like yours has no accidents in school.

Michelle - posted on 04/05/2010

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Honestly I think what needs to be done is you and your husband need to get full custody of this little boy and have bio moms rights taken away. He probably knows more of what is going on then you think and his insecurities are coming out in an improper manner. For all you know bio mom could be telling him things like you are going to give him away and if she is schizophrenic she may tell him things and people are out to get him. He is reacting in the only way he knows how good or bad the result is the same you tell him you love him.....so if you can get her rights revoked adopt him and I am sure he will calm right down as you will have proven to him that you want him forever. I know this is a hard time for you but they know a lot more then you think, and he may just be insecure with his place in the family

Georgetta - posted on 04/05/2010

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All I can really advise is that you keep him in therapy and may need to see a neuropsychologist. Have you guys ruled out a "physical problem" with the bladder with his family. I would not ground him for the peeing, just because it can reinforce that he is "wrong" instead of him understanding that he should not be peeing on things. Also, this is a harder one, did dad wet the bed when he was older? Or Mom (harder one)? Please don't send him back to his mother's, but be sure you guys have this in writing and go before a judge so that no contempt charges are brought against you. I hope that all is well and we will be able to grow from such a traumatic childhood. Being with someone who is mentally unstable can be very hard on a child.

Crystal - posted on 04/04/2010

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Have you tried letting him talk to a councilor. Maybe there are some medication that may help out with is behavior. Some may say that it is the way his "egg donor" treated him as a younger child dont fool yourself he still remembers most of it. Or maybe his mental states from her.

[deleted account]

there is likely a correlation between the abuse/neglect and the peeing. a few years ago i worked in a pre-kindergarten class and we found the toilet paper roll was being peed on several times a day for about 2 weeks, when we finally found out who was doing it and asked him why, he said that he was mad at his dad. i would advise to have him checked by his regular doctor, though, to see if there is a medical issue... my son has always had accidents and i would punish him and get so angry because he was "too old for accidents" but later found out he has encopresis and can't even feel when he has to go.

Rhonda - posted on 04/04/2010

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Have you spoke with his Dr. Also have you sought counseling. I'm glad you are advocating for him. God Bless your family.

Tammy - posted on 04/03/2010

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my Mom & Step dad has Foster kids & they go to Sand therapy Its therapy for kids but they put there feelings in the sand with little figurines.... its a good way to find out what is going on inside there little heads some times
have a look at the site below it's really good way for kids to express them selves.
http://www.naturalparenting.com.au/flex/...

Michelle - posted on 04/03/2010

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he has been in councoling since he was about 4 yrs old and we havent gotten to much help...as of right now we have stoped the visits cause we dont think it is safe for him to be at his moms because she just got out of a mental institution and we believe she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and recently she tried to TRADE me her youngest baby from another guy for a copy of her mothers death certificate and we are afraid that she may do it to my son as well....i have spoken to the doc as well and they just say it is normal or it may be stress.......it has been 6 yrs now so he knows me and daddy are together and he loves living her and the theripyst says he dont want a relationship with his mom at all so i dont think it bothers him to much when she dont take him for long periods at a time....and as for school he has no accednts there so it seems like more or a attention thing or something...how do you discipline that tho? we tell him we love him all the time and he calls me mom and we have a wonderful family but at the same time i don't think we can just ignore the bad behavior and pretend it didn't happen he needs to have a consequence..

Rachel - posted on 04/03/2010

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it sounds like hes confused,with his mothers' visits so irregular and all, do you have allow her access if she just messes his head up? perhaps that would help, but maybe try counciling for him too, we found number twos in my sons drawer when he started nursery, so perhaps its stress. hope this helps.

Jackie - posted on 04/03/2010

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Sounds like he is responding to the situations. My (step) son used to do the same thing and occasionally does now. Not as bad as yours but he would just pee in his pants several times and not tell anyone. He has wet his bed apparently several times and didn't tell anyone about it. We found out when my husband went to tuck him into bed and smelled it when he moved the covers.



Have you thought about taking him to the DR just to make sure that everything is working ok with his bladder since he says he can't control it? What about at school? He is 8 so I would assume he is in school, have you talked to the school about your son having any problems with other kids or with teachers?



Maybe some counseling could help. If he was abused as a younger child it might be affecting him now. Instead of punishing him so much, try talking to him and seeing if you can find out whats wrong. My husband and I did that and eventually he told us that he is MAD that his mommy left and that by doing this he hopes it will bring mommy and daddy back together again. Its hard for young kids to understand things and except them for the way they are.



Those would be my suggestions as I have and stll am going through the same thing only my son is 5.

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