Help! My daughter's dad is moving down street and is very unstable. No child support but helps with rides. Never hurt my daughter but is verbally abusive to me most of time. he confuses me...never know what to expect. But my daughter loves him. i have filed for child support but it takes sooo long. and dad is biggest martyr ever.. any words of wisdom?

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Brandy - posted on 05/11/2012

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I can empathize with you, completely.
My ex pays no support as he's on assistance and refuses to work or even look for a job.
Our daughter is 5yrs old. He sees her every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I've no doubt he loves our child, however he is highly verbally and emotionally abusive to me.
What I've done is refuse to communicate with him. Period. He was given the civilized adult talk, empathized with, had many many chances to behave and treat our situation in the manner of a mature and responsible adult and has failed every time.
My course of action was to:
1). Get myself into counseling and group therapy to learn what abuse is and how to survive all that's happened and is still happening. Educating yourself is invaluable, and having a support network can boost your confidence and self esteem so you feel supported and capable of dealing with what he throws at you.
2). He was given one last warning: if you continue to treat me this way and talk to me like this, I will find alternate measures of which to deal with this situation.
3). He kept up the threats, verbal attacks, text war and suggesting he would take me to court. It was finally too much for me to deal with on a daily basis, so I sent him one last text:

I will not deny you visits and seeing her, however from this point on all communication regarding her and visitation will be done through your father. He has agreed to this arrangement.
If you wish to see her during the week, she will need to be dropped off at a third party location as yet to be determined based on schedules, availability and agreement.
This is all being done to limit communication between us therefore limiting the hostility and stress.
A healthy relationship between you and our child is something I will not stand in the way of. However as I stated the arrangement(s) for such will now be done through your dad.

Essentially I enlisted the support from his father to act as mediator when he wants to see her outside his weekends, however I would no longer talk to him.

That was well over a week ago. He has not once had his dad call to arrange for him to see her, even though he continues to blast me in text about it. I've stopped responding and I won't take his calls.

3). I realized, finally, that I'm better than his treatment of me. He doesn't own me, and just because we have a child together does not mean he has control over me. I am in charge of me, not him.

Go to a lawyer and take your power back! As long as you allow him to manipulate you and hurt you through your child or otherwise, he will continue to do so because your acceptance of it shows him its ok. It's not ok! No one, especially the father of your child, had a right to treat you badly.

Kelly - posted on 05/11/2012

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Establish boundaries, especially since he is moving so close. And explain to him that in order to successfully co-parent your child together, he needs to act like a civilized adult and not say hostile things. You are the mother of his child and he needs to grow up and show some respect.

Louise - posted on 05/09/2012

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Stick with it, let the legal system get your money. You personally do not have to have any thing to do with him. Let him pick your daughter up and drop her off. If he treats her well there is no cause for concern. Just make sure you get what is owed through the courts and then the law is on your side. No arguements just pay up!

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