help. need to talk about my adhd son

Ginger - posted on 04/26/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My son is 10 yrs old and on intuniv for adhd for about 3 months now. He has lived with his dad and step-mom for 7 years now due to me going to prison for five years. I've been out for 3 years and doing good. I get him every weekend. I don't agree with their punishments and I don't know if it's me or them. Maybe I'm to laid back, not sure. They have stopped whipping him with a belt after I talked to them. He once took his step mom's credit card (didn't use it) so she went to his room, took all clothes out of closet and drawers and piled them in the floor, she then poured all his trash from the trash can and piled it all up together and waited for him to come home. This past week he took his ipod to school, (which was a christmas present) so they took it for good and he won't be getting it back.
He's not a bad kid at all. He forgets his homework alot and I've read that's a part of adhd. since being on Intuniv he's getting F's and he can't stay awake to learn his school work. He tells me he hates his step mom and feels like his dad don't stand up for him. I don't want to argue with them because I have no rights, and I don't want my privilages taken away, but I'm tired of not being able to stand up for my own child. He says he don't want to live with them, but he doesn't want to change schools either. He also has alot of anger issues and emotional issues. I feel he's being treated unfair there. Any help, I would greatly appreciate. I love my son very much. I just made some bad mistakes.

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Laila - posted on 05/18/2013

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First of all I wish you the best of life ..I also have a kid who have ADHD ....but I have taking her to Dr...and she is taking RITALIN 5 mg ..very low doze ... and she is doing very well ..kids with ADHA can be very difficult to deal with the only one who could put up with it is only the Mom ...because its your child you love and care for there well being not the stepmom or dad ...its your responsibility to get the help he needs...most schools have a program called resources. ..they offer him one and one help...take him to a Dr so he could be happy and you ..ADHD effects the child's self steam badly ...please get him the help he needs ...there is nothing wrong with him he is just not focus ...good luck ..

Alicia - posted on 05/10/2013

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Every single day is a challenge AND a blessing! Treasure it with all you have, and try not to get discouraged. Give your son expectations, guidelines, structure, and do not allow any bad mouthing about his dad or step-mother. If he wants to discuss what is going on in their house, tell him you are willing to listen, but if he is going to be complaining, he has a time limit of 5 minutes (or set your time limit) on Friday at 5pm only (or whenever you set). If he ever wants to talk about anything, you are there to talk, but you are not there to listen to whining or complaining about his dad. Your time together is a gift, and you are going to use it ___________. Another book recommendation is "The Edison Theory". Tells about other famous people (like Thomas Edison) who had ADHD, and how they lived with it and thrived! None of us are perfect, and to live under the umbrella of that expectation is ridiculous. Another option while dad is practicing his music - is son in a quiet setting getting help with his school work, or is it too stimulating? (Or is he expected to be doing something church related instead of school?) Are you allowed to go to the church and help him there even though it's not your weekend visit? Are you allowed to volunteer at school?

Alicia - posted on 05/09/2013

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Going to church so many days a week could be a problem for a child with ADHD, and if his homework isn't getting completed, it is time to refocus his scheduling. While I believe God should come first in a family, going to church is not putting God first in my opinion (note, my opinion only). Could you ask for a family counselor court appointed mediator? There are often learning disabilities associated with ADHD children, despite the fact that they are quite intelligent. Working together for the benefit of your son will make EVERYONE's lives much smoother (experience talking here). Keep your cool, use kind words, pray for God to intervene, and trust Him to guide you where He wants you to go. Remember, God has a plan for your life, and for your son's!

Alicia - posted on 05/05/2013

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Well done for staying on the right track after getting out of prison! Keep up the good work! Having a child with ADHD is challenging, as their minds are wired differently than other minds, and they are expected to behave like other children. Think of it like putting a square peg through a round hole, and constantly forcing it to fit, day in and day out. Poor kid has to try to conform to everyone else's expectations at school, and being on medications that are mind altering for a 10 year old, whose mind is still developing? Who knows how it is going to affect him? Every day was a challenge with my son, and I got calls almost daily from the school. He is now 25, married, a father of one, and a correctional officer in a prison (no medications now). There were days I didn't know if we would make it or not without losing all of our hair.

I don't know where you live, but what I am reading in your post is child abuse. Strangers have the right to call and report anonymously if they think a child is being abused. My suggestions would be for you to read the book "How to Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Leeman, and arranging for the school or someone neutral to suggest the same to the dad and step-mom to read. Ask the school to suggest mandatory parenting classes to the family due to ADHD issues and the fact that your son is failing his classes. There should be an advocacy group in your area for children with learning disabilities ~ check into it, and check into legal aid or possibly with your own attorney for legal advice or referral. There might also be a local C.H.A.D.D. group in your area -- very helpful for the entire family.

While you have him on the weekends, take him to church, get him involved with a good Sunday School Bible based youth group that will build his positive self-worth and teach him good choice making skills.

Raggedy - posted on 04/26/2013

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#1- Welcome to the outside world! Getting your son back for weekends is awesome!
#2-Any child who looses a Mom for that amount of time is going to have issues. You are back, you are involved, your love and support is making a huge difference in his life.
#3-I know it is hard because you feel like your hands are tied. Since your son has to live with them and you can't protect him while he is there the best thing you can do is support him in what he is feeling and what he is going through. Give him whatever advice you can to try and make his life easier there. When he gets old enough things will change. If you feel like something really serious or bad is going on then have your son tell an authority at school if he can't talk to his dad. It is possible you have rights to be involved with his school and that might be your way in.

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Ginger - posted on 05/19/2013

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He gets off the bus at his dad's employment and has to do his school work there. He is not helped at all. He does it and it goes back in the backpack. It is not checked, except on Wed. when I am with him and we do it together. When he goes to church, his work is supposed to already be done, if it's not then he doesn't take it with him. One time he forgot it, so he was up until midnight to finish it. When he goes to church for his dad's band practice he just plays with the other kids. I think it's too much for him, and he has told me that he hates going all the time. He says sometimes he just wants to relax at home. They are always gone. They eat out every single meal. I feel this is way too much for any kid, especially one with adhd. Anytime I say anything, they just turn it around on me. I don't kno what to do, but I want to do what's right for my son. I've been out of prison for 3 yrs now and have not tried to do any kind of custody because I have thought his life would be better with them. I cannot give him the things he gets from them. Now I'm starting to feel different. I feel they can give him material things, but he doesn't get any love from them. He also tells me they don't love him. When I talked with his dad about that, he says Tommy is just saying that to make ME feel better. They just blow everything off.

Ginger - posted on 05/09/2013

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thank u so much for your advice. i didnt know where to turn and you ladies have really helped me.

Ginger - posted on 05/08/2013

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Thank you so much for all your info and your help. I will take your advice. He does attend church with his dad and step-mom every sunday. Actually they do so many church activities I wonder if it's too much for him. He's getting to the point where he hates to go. His dad is in the church band so they go to church Monday, Wed, Thur, and Sunday. I think that's why alot of his school work isn't getting done also.

Michelle - posted on 05/07/2013

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hello,
I also have a son 7 1/2 with ADHD and is on adderall 20mg and it scares me everyday to give him the medication. I have read that this medicine can cause all kinds of problems. His dad is in prison right now, we are not sure when he is coming home. But, for most of his life he has been with his Daddy. So, I totally understand what your going through it's rough, you just be strong and everything will work out.

Ginger - posted on 04/27/2013

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Thank you so much for your support and your advice. You have no idea how much this info helps me. I really do appreciate it.

Ysantizo - posted on 04/26/2013

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I have a 71/2 year old ADHD also on intuniv she comes home and complains about the teacher and kids at school,also makes me feel like she's been treated unfair. Wonder if this has to do with the ADHD or if is really happening .....
Today we went to school to pick her up,2 class mates got close to us just to talk bad about her saying she was cursing when we come from a Christian background we don't curse, and I know for a fact she doesn't curse,made me feel like they are pointing fingers at her... So sad.... Just keep and eye on everything don't ignore what he tells u. But have an open mind.. Is it happening or not... =/

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