How do I tell my daughter?

Amanda - posted on 06/29/2012 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 6 years old and will be entering first grade in a few months. She was home schooled by my husband for kindergarten. The question I am having is how and when do I tell her that her father isn't her biological dad? I know that once she enters school the kids are going to say something. She is mixed black - I am white, my husband is white, and her two younger sisters are white. She brings up the question of her "brown skin" a few times a month. My husband is the only father she has ever known and is a great one. We always tell her that God made her skin brown and that it is beautiful like the way it is. It breaks my heart when she says she wishes her skin was white like mine. She is such a sweet and tender girl. I just don’t want to hurt her or make her feel alienated. Her biological father is a dead beat who is currently in prison. She has multiple siblings, but their mothers are also dead beats on drugs.

Has anyone had a similar situation? How do I handle this in the best way?

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Kristin - posted on 06/29/2012

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I think the best thing to do here is to be honest with her. Tell her that ypur husband is not her biological father but that he loves her like she is his, and that he is still her dad. My aunt and uncle adopted a little girl and they told her she was adopted and that her real parents were not able to take proper care of her and they loved her as well. Let your daughter know that her real daddy is out there somewhere thimnking of her and that he wasnt ready to be a dad. I would not tell her he is prison though as she is still too young to understand, and maybe one day in the future her real dad will wasnt to see her but thats a bridge you can cross when and if you get to it.

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Ashley - posted on 08/11/2012

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I can tell you there is going to be a lot of questions on her part, and maybe a little anger. Tell her that your husband is her father and will always be her daddy no matter what. Tell her that she has another father out there who wasn't ready to be her dad and couldn't take care of her the way your husband has. Tell her she is loved and that she will always be your and your husbands child no matter what. She is most likely going to start asking about her sisters and if they have a different dad. Let her know that although they do that doesn't make her any less their sister and they hers. Make sure she knows that she isn't loved any less because she has a different dad and be ready for some acting out on her part for at least a few weeks if not longer. Be ready to talk to her often and get her to tell you when something is bothering her. It is either not going to bother her at all because she has a dad that loves her or it is really going to raise a lot of questions and doubts for her, depends on her personality. Be prepared for both, be prepared to be patient and know there is going to be an adjustment period if it is the latter. Good luck and I truly hope things go well for you.

Amy - posted on 06/29/2012

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Let me start off by saying I've never been in your situation but I would of been telling my child from the beginning. You have the perfect opportunity to let her know the truth since she questions you a coupe of times a month, the sooner you tell her the easier it will be. However she may think that your answers have been less then truthful and there potentially could be some trust issues in the future.

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