How does one manage a ten year girl that is becoming too sassy and rude with her mother?

K. - posted on 09/09/2009 ( 46 moms have responded )

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My daughter is getting beside herself if you know what I mean. She has all the answers all of a sudden is really pushing me to the limit. She responds to everything with a tone of sarcasm (past couple of months). I hear this is a phase for 5th graders. Is it true? Are there any other moms experiencing this with their young daughters?

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Juanita - posted on 09/14/2009

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Does she have a cell phone? does she have a favorite tv show? Does she have her own TV in her room? 1st write down rules and regulations of the HOUSE/HOME from now on starting today (date)- on paper. (Example) if you sass me once You will be restrected from------- for one whole day--2nd don't be lazy on your part FOLLOW THROUGH. 2nd if you sass me again the restriction will be extented for another two days. Continue the third time and go up to a week. If that doesn't work take her favorite tecknogy gaget away from her and give it away. 3rd this will cost you time and effort, but after your meeting with rules and regs she will get the point. Make sure there is no yelling at all by speaking to her softly and without anger.

Theresa - posted on 09/14/2009

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It's never too late to stop it! First of all, have you considered the input your child is receiving. What television shows are they watching? Are the children smartmouths, rude? Those would be the FIRST on the ban list. How do others speak in the home? If there is sarcasm and rudeness coming from others, the children are destined to pick it up too.
If you've already eliminated negative input from areas you can control - even if you haven't. Put your foot down! "This is acceptable behavior in our home, in our family. This is not" .
My second son was starting to smart talk back. Guess what? Bye bye cable! Boy did the mouth calm down after that. We got rid of it altogether, and it's not coming back anytime soon.

Find your child's currency, and take that away. Be consistent more than anything!

Allison - posted on 09/14/2009

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We too went through this and still are and worse she is now 12 and it hasn't gotten any better but only worse !

Lynn (Linda) - posted on 09/13/2009

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Well ladies I am sorry to say that I have 15 and 18 year old daughters. They both know in our house that opinions are always welcome (we don't have a problem with that) but disrespect is not. My husband and I will first take away things that really matter such as computers and cell/telephones and tvs but if it becomes disrespectful there have been times that they know a good old fashioned smack in the mouth brings them back to reality and you better believe they will apologize and they know its bad if I do that because it doesn't happen very often at all! I am a firm believer that parents don't realize they don't have to bruise or batter their children and still can have a corporal punishment in their home (IF NEEDED) in the long run for those of you that were spanked or smacked NOT beaten or bruised can remember you knew your parents always loved you that's WHY they disciplined you! For those that were physically abused this is a concept that is very hard for them to digest. My daughters love me and they have no fear to let me know how they feel and when they feel it but they also can go out in public with no chip on their shoulder for adults they need to show respect to. The know that respect runs both ways!

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Valerie - posted on 01/27/2013

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I feel your pain. I am having a hard time with my 9.5 year old daughter who think it's funny to put me down. She calls me elderly frail, etc., today she said she wanted a pig, 'oh wait I already have one' meaning me, etc. She thinks its funny. She is rude to me. I always try to tell her how much I am proud of her etc., but lately when she says things like this, I end up yelling at her and disrespecting her back by making her feel bad and telling her she is a bad daughter. Then I feel horrible about it. It's just a circle that keeps going around and around for me. Other timeswe get along great. We talk about she keeps me involved by telling things at school, etc. She's a great student. We go rollerskating together, she has a lot of friends etc. How do I keep my cool when she can be so very hurtful? She says she doesn't mean to hurt my feelings but she does.

Katie - posted on 09/16/2009

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I'M GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING, MAYBE NOT AS BAD AS YOURS SOUNDS! I CHARGE HER A DOLLAR EVERY TIME SHE IS RUDE OR DISRESPECTFUL TOWARDS HER FATHER AND I AND IT SEEMS TO WORK BECAUSE CHILDREN ARE MONEY CRAZY NOW THESE DAYS...IF YOU GET BETTER ADVICE...FEEL FREE TO SHARE. I HEAR THEY GET LIKE THIS RIGHT BEFORE THEIR PERIODS START....

Kristina - posted on 09/14/2009

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I guess it all depends on how you accept it from the beginning. and it's something that you can't let just slide that way she knows its unacceptable. My daughters 8 and shes becoming very good at it already.

Michelle - posted on 09/14/2009

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I have a 9 year old and I agree that it is a hormonal thing. I am starting to mark down on the calendar when she has her "meltdowns" and see if there is a pattern. I don't what I will do with that information, but it is a start.

Becky - posted on 09/14/2009

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I also have a ten year old little girl who is becoming quite mouthy.She knows everything before you tell her and likes to argue back.I feel your frustration as I too am right there with you.All we can do is hang in there and wait it out.I give her more attention and affection when she acts out to let her know that although I'm not crazy about her attitude,I still love her.Trust me when I say you are not alone!

Jill - posted on 09/13/2009

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my nine year old is starting the same thing. I do take things away and punish but that doesn;t seem to phase her.

Shawn - posted on 09/13/2009

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I didnt put up with it and quickly corrected the behavior. My thing is sending her to her room or with back talk it si "Say yes ma'am, and do it!" They only push you as far as you allow them to.

Jennifer - posted on 09/13/2009

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stop giving in to her is my only suggestion...get her interested in things she likes and walk away...she will never learn independence if you don't? sorry don't know what else to say...

Kimberly - posted on 09/13/2009

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My daughter will be 7 in October.. She can give so much attitude, she is bossy and wants to run the show. I think she thinks shes the grown up.. She is a only child and she has gotten alot of the attention from me , her dad, and few others in her life, now when she doesn't it she acts out.. She is very smart, in 2nd grade, I just worry cuz she has a hard time joining things if me and her dad don't stay right there with her, she doesn't like to stay and friends for sleep overs, but loves them to stay at our house.. Any suggestions on how to make her comfortable when me or dad is not right there with her???

Jennifer - posted on 09/13/2009

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you are certainly not alone, my daughter is the same. She is a great kid but can get an attitude going on. I too pick my battles, however, there are days which I believe she is out of line. I believe in letting her have self expression as long as she doesn't become rude. There are days where she is sent into the corner or her room for 10 minutes then I sit down with her and we are able to talk it out rationally. She explains her frustrations and we are able to problem solve to a solution that keeps both of us happy

Jennifer - posted on 09/12/2009

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My nine year old just told us last night when we asked her to clear the table that she is "not the maid". We stop her the minute she talks back and ask her if we deserved it, if she would like it if we did it to her, and if other kids would like it done to them. We are taking thigs away. You have to do this in a certain way. We at first talk about how much fun she is having doing whatever we are taking away then we let her know that she will be unable to do that activity for however long we have decided to take it away. Then we discuss why it is being taken away and how she can earn it back. My friend told me her daughter started at the same age too!

Leslie - posted on 09/12/2009

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OMG!!!! I have four kids and I am NOT looking forward all of this. I have (3) that range from 11 to 14 and (1) that is 5 going on 15.......sometimes I just want to go to sleep and wake up when they are all 18 years!!! LOL

Sherry - posted on 09/12/2009

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I have 4 daughters and a son.MY son thinks I'm miss money bags.I'm having the same problems like you.their dad drives truck,longhaul,exspecialy my 11 yr old,5th grader.I'm not sure what to tell you.I've tried all kinds of things.I guess if you try all differ things and stick with whats best.thats what i'm trying to do.I love to hear from other moms too.I wish there was a magic button 4 everything.I just took the tv out of my 11 yr old daughter room,she got mad but she'll have to show me that she can be better,alot better,stop with the attitude,the being i know more then you.etc.( kids) maybe talking to her about your childhood.maybe it'll get her to relize your human,lol.they'll look at you and maybe relate to some of your stories and relax.I'm sorry if i couldnt help.my 6 yr old is screaming in my ear,so chin up and good luck.

Paige - posted on 09/12/2009

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I thought i was the only 1 going through this, my daughter just turned 10 & she is sassier then ever, i hope it,s only because she is on the verge of puberty.She can be an angel when she,s ready.

Julie - posted on 09/12/2009

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The thing that works for my 10 year old is...I tell her I love her in a nice voice and if she wants me to respond to her she will treat me with respect. I usually get an "I'm sorry."

[deleted account]

When my kids have tried to be rude with me, I made it clear if they talk to me like that that I have the right not to give them my attention. Worked with all 3.

Kimberly - posted on 09/11/2009

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Give her a warning that you are going to put her on a very strict punishment. If it continues, go forth with the punishment and keep your foot down. Take away everything that she likes to do, and everywhere she likes to go. Make her read a book and verbally tell you what it was about. In the bible, James chapter 3, talks about the tongue. No man can tame the tongue. Pray as you discipline her and be consistent. Everything will workout.

Sara - posted on 09/11/2009

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I would tell her if she can't answer you with out an attitude she is going to start to lose privilages.

Stephanie - posted on 09/11/2009

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I am so glad that I am not the only one. I have a 10 year old daughter too and lets say that today was a day from as you can all guess. If this is what she is going to be like when she hits puberty I am moving out for that week and let my husband deal with her. The mouth is non stop and sarcasm is always at the top of the list. I blew up at her just cause this has been non stop for days. I felt bad and so did she and all is cool. I just wish I knew how I could not let it bother me. Taking things away works for a little while and when she gets them back and we start the process all over again. I wished that there was a cure all for this. Thanks for all the good advice.

Barb - posted on 09/11/2009

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Thank you so much for posting this question! I have a 9 (almost 10) yo daughter that is doing the same thing. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone! Thanks for the advice!

Camille - posted on 09/11/2009

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I was told when my daughter was 7 that they are starting (being sassy) sooner these days. My 10 year old can drive me bananas! Then she is the sweetest little girl and sister in the world. It may have to do with hormones. Maybe, they are on information overload with all the technology these days. I don't know. Life is so NOT as simple as it was back when I was a child. They are missing out on so much. It makes me sad for our children.

Teresa - posted on 09/11/2009

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my daughter is 11 , she started with the sassiness in 5th grade, and still is sassy. oh, yah she knows all the answers. just wanted u to know your not the only one with a sassy daughter.

Fiona - posted on 09/11/2009

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My daughter has only just turned 4yo ... and already has the "mouth with attitude"!!! I can't believe it! I think it comes from some Barbie movies she's been watching ... she likes to re-enact them. Well, I've told her that there will be no more of those movies, as I don't like the way she behaves when she's been watching them! Oh dear ... I'm not looking forward to double-digits, and the teenage years! :(

Debora - posted on 09/11/2009

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if they are into computer games try taking some computer time away by setting a timer say like the one on the oven to go off when they are on that if they don`t stop you will unplug computer make sure the time limit is age suitable .you can do the same with tv gamesystems,dvd ect.since i find time outs do not work.you can assign a chore to them since this teaches responsiblity and self respect .i am told if they do not respect ones self they will not respect others.

Sheila - posted on 09/11/2009

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This is great! (well not really) I have an almost 10 year old son who has been going through this for about a year now and I kept thinking "what am I doing wrong?" It seems like it doesn't matter what I do the attitude doesn't change and it's very frustrating. The worst part is he has a 5 year old brother who likes to be like his big brother UGH! But after reading all these responses I now have renewed faith that I can conquer this! Probably just in time for the youngest to start! So I thank all you ladies for showing me that it's not just me! and for all the great ideas to handle it.......lol

Laura - posted on 09/10/2009

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My dau. (now 10) was born with an attitude my boys never had and I've had to stay on my toes constantly.reminding her again I'm the parent and she's the child.And children must always respect their parents.One on One time helps,and giving her chores and responsibilities.Throw something fun in once in awhile even if it's just baking a cake,she thinks that's a privilage.Recently she learned how to run the washer and loves to help with laundry but doesn't like to hang them out.My 6 yr.old likes to hang them out and that works really well.Grandma got her started on a sewing project and seems to help to.Parenting is hard .don't know if this is of any help to you or not.

Patricia - posted on 09/09/2009

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Frustrating...lol...for sure....I have an 18 yr. old boy and an 8 yr. old girl. My son was a huge challenge. I hear girls are worse as far as the sassy and attitude part goes. I have been through some schooling for being an assistant day care teacher and that training has help me ALOT as a mother. The best thing you can do is catch it and try to put a stop to it before it gets out of hand. You have to be strict yet patient and understanding. Taking a privlege or/and choices of is the best way to handle it. I also tell my daughter thats fine but I dont want the attitude and then we talk about something else. My daughter listens very well to me. (knock on wood) She may have learned to behave well after watching all the trouble her brother got into when he was naughty. Good luck.....

Latoya - posted on 09/09/2009

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i have had a ten year old in my household before. when my stepdaughter was ten, me and her dad had just met and her parent s were going through some things so i got ALOT of attitude and mouth, but i found that standing my ground and making it quite clear where i was coming from worked out quite well, i also let her know that she could talk to me abt anything and she came around slowly but surely. but her parents took things from her that she enjoyed whenever she decided that she wanted to be a sassafrass as my grandmother used to say. so try a little of everything, and see what works the best. when all else fails, a little old school mama never hurts!!!!

Vicki - posted on 09/09/2009

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This happened in our house recently, with our almost 10 year old. He suggested something that is actually working, when the tone rears it's ugly head, we say, "A.C.", which stands for attitude change. I think the reason it's working is because he'd rather have say AC than give him the big lecture. Before coming up with this solution there was some yelling and privileges taken away, and what you might call a stand off situation so he could see how serious we the parents were about not tolerating this type of behaviour.

Ronda - posted on 09/09/2009

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My daughter just turned 9 last week. She too, has a MOUTH, and a know-it-all attitude. She is the baby, and the only daughter, so I assumed I spoiled her too much. I remember before having a daughter, that my sister and her daughter didnt get along well. I thought my sister was being mean, or picking on her, but realized....Now it's my turn! LOL........If you figure it out K, please, let me know too!

[deleted account]

I hear ya!! my 10 year old daughter has been going through this for almost a year now. I found that if I spend some one on one time with her it did get better. just her a i went grocery shopping , lay on her bed at night and read a book (usually has it for homework) even just a 10 minute walk in the evening with her she will sometimes talk and i can express my feeling at the same time without anyone else hearing or putting their 2 cents worth in. if you figured something out to please let me know.

hope this will help.

thanks,

jennifer

Heidi - posted on 09/09/2009

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My daughter is 11 going on 30...or so she thinks lol. she has been the same way with me and even more now that she has a friend that is VERY outspoken with her parents. I have taking things away from her for lieing or giving me attitude. I also have put a limit on when she can see friends. I told her if she doesnt shape up ..she will no priviledges outside the home. So far so good!

Erica - posted on 09/09/2009

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Oh yes! It's better now than it use to be. The UGH everytime you say something to her...I ignore it and pick my battles with Tia (my daughter). She is a great kid most of the time but that attitude is something else. I just send Tia to her room, if she is walking around all sad faced and like she just lost her best friend over nothing...I'm like just go to your room...I don't want to see it. The mouth though....I tell Tia you have a choice to talk to me with respect and everything will be cool or you can make the choice to be smart and look at the walls in your room...your choice! They like to have a choice so...they choose and then if she picks the smart mouth, I say I'm really sorry you have chosen to be smart and go to your room we really could have had a great day together. You have to stick to it though! Works with time. :0)

Faye - posted on 09/09/2009

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I have an 8 year old exactly the same please dont think its just teenagers......

Shawntaia - posted on 09/09/2009

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most kids do the opposite of what we tell them but us as parent have to just make sure our kids know that we love then and we are there for them.....I have even tried letting my kids voice their opinion as long as they are appropriate and not disrespectful...again good luck

K. - posted on 09/09/2009

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Wow. Exactly. Way too much mouth and toooo much attitude. I am so happy to know that I am not alone.

Jennifer - posted on 09/09/2009

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i have a 10 year old and am going thru the same thing, the mouth and attitude, i think a lot of it has to do with puberty and their bodies changing and they don't know how to deal with it, all we can do is keep being patient and wait for the good children we know they can be to come back, soon please

K. - posted on 09/09/2009

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I hope it will pass soon. It worries me that this could be how the mother and daughter hate relationships begin and last through the teenage years. As positive as I try to remain, she goes in the complete opposite direction.

Shawntaia - posted on 09/09/2009

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that comes with the double digit age I am going through it with my 10 year old son and I have found that punishment is doing a great job...start taking things away and I bet things will start changing....good luck

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