How to handle situation with son's absent father.

Stacy - posted on 05/04/2011 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I separated from my son's father when he was 21 months old (son is now 4 1/2) because he left our son home alone with the oven on and a pizza burning inside of it after having been drinking. Since that time I have never let him have our son overnight and I have sole physical custody. From July '10 to Jan. '11 he was in jail for assault for choking one of his family members when he was drunk.

Since his release from jail in January he and our son have seen each other only 3 times (supervised by me). The last being March 20th. The last attempt his father made to contact him was March 26th. My ex-husband's father is coming in state this weekend and wants us to all go to dinner together. My son's father will be there. I think it's a huge problem that my son hasn't seen or heard from him in 6 or 7 weeks and then all of a sudden we're all sitting down together to have dinner. I am disturbed by this thought.

I don't want to deny my son the opportunity to see his father, but this sporadic BS that's going on right now can't be good either. I don't know what to do.

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Jane - posted on 05/04/2011

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Consider it visiting your son's grandfather, not visiting your son's father. Put on your best behavior and bite your tongue instead of saying something rude. Many family members only see each other once a year at Thanksgiving or Christmas. Consider this to be a similar situation and just go.

Your son won't think it's a huge problem. He'll just consider it another time he sees his dad. 4 1/2 year olds don't keep a calendar. He'll only have problems with it if you have problems with it.

Be the grown up here and go to dinner with Gramps. He has a right to see his grandson and to see his own son at the same time. Whatever you do, do NOT try to influence your son negatively. Let him build his own relationship with his dad even if it is limited because his dad is a poor parent.

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Kolbee - posted on 05/06/2011

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Im sure that it hurts u that u have to see ur son,miss his daddy so much,but i would go it would make ur son happy and he will make his own judgement of his father some day..at least u would be showing ur son uve tryed to keep him and his father in contact

Teresa - posted on 05/06/2011

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i feel that it is great for your son to see his grandfather and that he made the effort to contact you. I think the visit should be in your terms though, as to where, when and with whom. I would have a problem with having your ex there. Since you have full custody of your child you should be ensuring that you and he are safe, loved and growing together in a positive environment. If your ex is involved, especially if he is not sober, your life and your son's life will be on hold waiting for him to become a better parent, friend and something that may possibly never happen. I understand that alcoholism is a "disease", however, if your ex wants to be involved in your son's life he would do everything possible to sober up and get his life on track to do so. I don't think you should be concerned if he is or not in your childs life until he can get his life back on a positive road that will influence your child for years to come. Sorry if i sound harsh, but sometimes you have to worry about yourself and your children before showing sympathy to people that may not even want it. Good luck

Kristin - posted on 05/04/2011

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I do think you have the right to mention to the grandfather, that you do not want anyone drinking alcohol at the dinner due to dad's drinking problem. Say if your ex-partner has a drink, your leaving with your son. If such a thing happens and you leave, tell your son, for some people alcohol is dangerous, they don't know when enoughs enough and for his dad, alcohol makes him do not nice things. Simple, he's four no serious disscusion is needed.

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I don't think I would go, but I'm not sure if that's the right decision or not. Out to dinner means alcohol would probably be present and it sounds like your ex has a big problem surrounding alcohol.... I think I would suggest to Gramps to come over to MY place for dinner and maybe arrange for your son to see his father another time and under a different setting.

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