How to talk to a friend about kid issues?

Cindy - posted on 11/17/2010 ( 13 moms have responded )

4

9

0

We have several friends and kids in the neighborhood, mine is 7 and the one we are having problems with is 12...she likes to control and manipulate the younger kids and my daughter comes home upset every time. It is now getting to the point where I try and keep our distance, but when they do get together something always goes wrong. I am not the only one with the issues, but can only speak for myself and my family.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lori - posted on 11/25/2010

35

76

8

I woud urge you to talk to the parent about her daughter-be honest but kind about it-you could say I have a concern about how my child feels about being with your daughter-she doesnt feel as if she has any say when she plays with her and is uncomfortable with how bossy she is becoming-I know she is older and feels responsible but can you please talk to her about how she is making the other kids feel. I want my child to be involved with your daughter as she is a good role model but if she isnt able to stop being bossy than we arent going to allow our child to be with her. If that doesnt work and things dont change then you need to continue to keep your distance and limit the time that your child plays with this older child.

Angie - posted on 11/17/2010

2,621

0

407

I can imagine that the 12 year old is getting bossy, especially with a 7 year old. She is growing up and her interests are probably not the same as the 7 year old anymore. It's best to keep them apart not only to spare your daughter's feelings but because the 12 year old is more mature in the ways of the world and might expose your daughter to things she's not ready to know. I have a 12 year old daugher and I know she can really be a pain with her little sister who is 10. It's really the pits some days. Good luck speaking with the mother, I really hope that'll accomplish a good result.

13 Comments

View replies by

Jen - posted on 11/26/2010

35

4

2

I think a 12-year old is too old to be playing with a 7-year old unless they are family

Rebeca - posted on 11/23/2010

25

17

0

I would suggest starting with talking to the parents in a polite manner. Try to explain your concerns about the situation. Sometimes parents are not aware that their child is acting up. Then if this does not work it is time to sit down with your daughter and explain to her that it would be best for her to find new friends. Let her know that if she chooses to still play with the girl then she can not be upset about what happens. This is kind of a learning experience on how to choose friends wisely. Good luck.

Cindy - posted on 11/18/2010

4

9

0

Good point. We are meeting tonight, I am a bit nervous and hope all goes well. Thank you for the pointers and will post the results - hopefully positive ones.....

Laurette - posted on 11/18/2010

24

27

0

Hi Cindy, If you and the other child's mom are very close, you should be able to speak freely with her and she should be to be receptive and you should remain friends. I agree with Angie that perhaps the children are frustrated with each other. And yes, you are perfectly right, she may be very overwelmed with having to look out for the others, she is not a baby-sitter. Perhaps you should broach the subject as that you are concerned for her child not your own.

Cindy - posted on 11/18/2010

4

9

0

Thanks Amanda, it has been one of those weeks of just thinking of solutions. Today I figured that us as adults need to be involved a bit more and oversee things rather than that ran and play type of thing. There is too much freedom for them all and then the 12 yr old is told by her mom to watch them I am sure it is overwhelming for all of them to think of her as a friend and a boss...Thank you, it is a process for sure.

[deleted account]

I agree with Angie. Such an age difference can reallly be the problem and not so much the 12 year old girl herself. She may be annoyed with younger kids, and the younger kids frustrated with her. I suppose if they have to spend time together because you and her parents spend time together it could be in a more structured setting? For example giving each child some responsibility, that way the 12 year old doens't need to boss the younger kids and the younger kids feel validated and important as well. Either way, good luck!

Kelly - posted on 11/17/2010

42

141

4

My pleasure Cindy! That's another tricky aspect - not getting too many other moms involved such that the poor mother feels outnumbered. Something I've learned long ago - if you speak sincerely, from your heart and are not too argumentative or blameful...just sincere, chances are the other mom will be receptive.

Cindy - posted on 11/17/2010

4

9

0

Thank you, it is so tricky since we are all pretty close and the kids all play together. It is just one of those situations that you don't want to hurt the others feelings. Another mother does want to join me in the conversation with her, so that may help I just don't want her to feel like we are ganging up on her. The mom thinks her daughter is being blamed for everything.....Thanks again Kelly for your input.

Kelly - posted on 11/17/2010

42

141

4

I would imagine this to be a rather tricky issue. Not sure what you are considering as possibilities in terms of dealing with this, but, I think perhaps the easiest way is to simply have your daughter find another playmate...i.e., play with the other kids and leave the "manipulator" alone. If you are thinking of going to the "manipulator's" parents, then you might approach it very informally - invite her over for coffee, along with other mothers who are experiencing what you are experiencing and approach the matter as a group.



Hope that, somewhat, helps! :) Stay strong and good luck!

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms