How you do you handle your 11 year old having break down?

Mandy - posted on 06/05/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My 11 year old daughter has started having total break downs in the last couple months. She can cry at the drop of a dime, and if she is told no she cant have or do something, it is like the end of the world to her. For example, she wanted to sleep over her friends last week, on a school night, and I told her no, not on a school, and she had a total melt down, screaming, crying, stomping up the stairs, slamming her bedroom door over and over and banging on the floor. I went up to talk to her, and she went on saying how it is'nt fair, and other kids get to do it, and i never get to do anythying, and then went on to tell me to get our of her room and to never talk to her again! I was kind of at a loss for words after that. I talked to my husband about it that evening, and he was also shocked by the behaviour. So, iw as wondering of any mothers out there of daughters around my daughters age could give me some pointers about how to handle this behaviour. I mean, i don't know if shes jsut having temper tantrums, or if maybe she may be getting close to starting her period maybe its hormones causing it, any tips would be greatly appreciated!!! Thank you!

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Becky - posted on 10/18/2011

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IDK, but I'd be a little ticked off if someone called my daughter a spoiled brat, but then, that's just me.
I know this is a few months old, but to Mandy, has your daughter been able to control her emotions better?

[deleted account]

Ha! My daughter is 11 soon and we have been having similar episodes. I find it hard because normally she is so reasonable that I talk to her more as a peer (she is the eldest of three, and very mature for her age)... so it is hard to click back into that parent mode ie "you will do what I am telling you".

I often run the scenarios past trusted friends who can be a reality check for me - this helps when I know I am doing the right thing but with the barrage of disagreement you can start to lose your confidence in your decision-making.

Hold firm when you need to!

Sherri - posted on 10/17/2011

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It is simply hormones. It will subside. Honestly right now her emotions are beyond her control and you need to be extra patient till she works through this.

I could care less if they slam a door. It gets the anger out and they aren't screaming at me. Although I tend to be a door slammer when I am pissed too.

Dana - posted on 10/17/2011

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Just because she's (most likely) going through hormonal changes is no reason for her to act like a spoiled brat. After she calms down, I would have a chat about acceptable & unacceptable behaviors, as well as consequences for good & bad actions. Punishments/rewards should fit the behaviors (doors off hinges for slamming, etc). I always make sure to tell my kids I love them after having these chats; it's important that THAT is the last thing they hear so they know that although you're mad at their behaviors, you still love them.

Tonia - posted on 06/06/2011

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wow, her horomones are really kicking in! Next time she slams the door, take it off the hinges and put it away. She's got to know that this behavior is not acceptable. When she's telling you about all the things she can't do, you can point out all the wonderful things, that I'm sure, she CAN do!

Christy - posted on 06/05/2011

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Mandy, I've been there! We use a book called, "Parenting with Love and Logic" to raise our kids and it has helped immensely! What it teaches is to let the punishment fit the crime. Slamming doors is definitely a form of a temper tantrum. The natural consequence is losing the door! Remove the door from it's hinges and stash it out of the way for a designated time period. We've done this many times at our house! When the child is calm, we have a discussion about being respectful to property, whether it's yours or not, and appropriate behaviors for venting anger and frustration.

I believe your daughter will be starting her period soon. Have you discussed this with her? It would be helpful for her to understand that the reasons she's feeling so emotional is due to hormone changes within her body. Understanding that this is normal may help reduce her frustration. My daughter was quite the emotional roller coaster. Once she started her period everything calmed down!!! She's now much easier to deal with.

It would be good to also discuss family rules with your daughter. It's helpful for kids to understand the reasons behind the rules. In doing so, I find that they're more willing to obey the rules. At our house we don't allow sleep overs. We do allow "late nights" and so the kids know what to expect when this option comes up with friends.

Valerie - posted on 06/05/2011

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it could be a combination of things...for sure she is testing the boundaries or peer pressure issues...hold your ground...review the boundaries with her...dont react to her tantrums...i would let her know that it is ok to be angry but the rule is she is not allowed to harm herself, others or property as she gets her anger out...one day she will thank you for holding your ground...i would also check with guidance at her school to find out about her friends and how she appears to be doing at school...i used to run group homes for troubled teens...work on being curious not furious...supportive stance...make sure you have clear family rules and stick to them...parents allowing sleepovers on school nights are probably a red flag. after yrs of observing kids coming from permissive and militant families, i would choose the militant based on the results...of course i would opt for somewhere in between... privilege with added responsibility...clear expectations one of which is respectful communication and behavior

Malikah - posted on 06/05/2011

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My 8 yr old acts like this alot and although shes not 11 I can truely understand what your going through my only advice is allow her to vent but in a resectful way. Ignore her when she is acting out and dont let her see that it is getting to you act as if she isnt doing anything if it gets out of hand start taking things that she really enjoys away from her. It works for the most part with me and my daughter.

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