I have a boyfriend that I have been with for 3 years. I have a 9 year old son from a previous marriage and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. His daughter and I got along (she is 13), great when we first met. They moved into my home and then things started.. she was upset that we had rules and boundaries that her bio mom did not have. Her bio mom also started saying bad things to her about myself and my boyfriend and I could not take anymore. So we sat down my boyfriend, myself, his daughter and my son and tried to talk things out. She would not look or talk back to me when I tried to talk to her. So (I know big mistake) I said well then I guess we are done. My boyfriend packed her and himself and left and did not move back in. They lived at his house for about 1 1/2 years with him only seeing her on a minimum basis as she said she did not want to be with him because of me. Then he decided to move back in with me and make it work. His daughter has come to our home on three occasions since then and has had a great time, playing with my son and all of us. Then she goes home and tells her mom what happened at our house and says she said she had a good time to please her dad and hates me, does not want me around and is scared of me?? I am at a loss and have said from day one that this child needs counseling and my boyfriend agrees but says he can't make her go nor can he let me go when he takes her out to eat or sports games as it makes her uncomfortable to have me there, then how are we going to work anything out if she never is around me and see's how much I care about her?? Please someone help.

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Ashley - posted on 09/28/2012

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Thats a really tough situation to be in. I would recommend that you and your boyfriend sit down and try to get on the same page about things. You need to discuss that you feel that you cannot have a strong relationship with him or his daughter if she won't give you a chance. If he keeps catering to her she will keep doing this. She probably has a lot of fun at your house and she may actually like you but she may be struggling with how her mom feels about having another mother type figure in her life. I would recommend with her being a teenager to try to do something with just you and her as bonding time to help her be more comfortable with you. I was 13 when I met my step mother and she and I both knew I didn't need another mom. She became a confidant and a friend to me. I still had to follow the rules at their home, but my dad was the primary disciplinarian. She and I went shopping together, got our nails done, and did activities I really didn't get to do with my mom. After getting to know her and her making me feel like a part of the family and not just a visitor things went really well for us. My mom would always ask what happened when I went to visit so I pretty much only told her about what I did with my two younger brothers and my dad and didn't mention my step mom much and my mom stopped asking so much. His daughter may be feeling pressure from her mother not to like you as her mom may be insecure. I would see if the three of you could sit down and talk about how she feels, how you both feel and then go from there. She may not be the problem, the problem may be her mother. And her father catering to her not being around you could definitely cause some animosity. She definitely needs time with just her and her dad, but you should not be excluded from all activities. If he trully wants a relationship with you to work it needs to be a group effort. The only way to resolve it is to get more of a cohesive family atmosphere going when she is there. If he doesn't stand united with you and help her accept you there will never be a good long term relationship there. He (and only he) may want to sit down and talk with her about not talking to her mom about everything she does there. Maybe have her do what I did and pretty much not talk about anything she does with you with her mom. I really hope this helps you. I applaud you for trying to make this situation a good one and that you have really tried to make everything work for her and for all of you. Good Luck.

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