I Keep Arguing and Yelling at My Daughter...Help!

Ty - posted on 04/09/2013 ( 8 moms have responded )

76

0

19

So, my daughter is seven years old and for the last year or so things have been going down hill. She is really smart and knows a lot of things. She is a super advanced reader and absorbs facts constantly in history, geography, biology etc. The problem is everyday is like starting at ZERO. She acts like she does not know the routine..brush your teeth, wash your face, pee, make your bed, clean your room etc. She also acts like she does not know anything about anything like we have just met and she dosent know what to expect from me daily. When she doens't like something she has a really nasty attitude and I can't stand it. Thinking about it right now pisses me off. It makes me angry because its normal stuff but she has a nasty attitude about it.

At every meal she smacks eating with her month hanging wide open even seconds after me asking her to close her mouth. She breaks the same rules every sigle day like no shoes in the house or clear your dishes when your done eating. For the past 3 years maybe more I have to tell her to go to the bathroom; she wont go she will just hold it for hours unless i say something or until she has to run to the bathroom.(AT HOME). She seems to be a different person and it feels like a struggle just being around her, I just had a baby and so i am really really tired and I was trying to read her a bedttime story while half awake and exhausted and without my glasses..I stumbled over some silly words like gummblinnunhub and some other made up words and she kept correcting me...it really got under my skin and so I yelled at her and told her to just go to bed without a story..then I thought I should talk to her about it and that just turned into me telling her that it isn't nice to be like that..that she knows i am sleepy and that I can read very well, its just been a long day but she just kept looking at me like I was stupid..i then reminded her that I taught her how to read...

I am not sure what to do...about any of this. I feel like I don't like my child and that seems very wrong. I have been doing good trying to bond with her and let go of all the things I wrote up above but tonight it just seemed to all blow up. I didn't want to call my Fiance he's still at a baseball game, I guess I am just really tired and needed to vent. It just seems incredibly wrong to not like your own daughter. Feel free to tell me off, I probably deserve it. It just hurts that I can't figure out how to fix this. Advice, support, judgement, I'll take anything.

t

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/16/2013

13,264

21

2015

Ok, first of all, quit expecting your 7 YO to behave in a mature manner. She's 7, after all. You had to be reminded multiple times at that age about your routine, chewing with your mouth open, house rules, etc. Just ask your own parents how frustrating it was to raise you!

That was not meant to be demeaning, but to point out to you that, yes, your child may be 'advanced' as far as her reading and schooling, but that does not mean that they are automatically geared to do everything that you demand of them every single day without forgetting routines, etc.

My kids (both GATE students, both advanced intellectually for their ages) were some of the most stubborn little rats around about doing their routine chores, hygiene, etc. Not because they were bratty children, but because they aren't mature enough at the age of 6, 7, 8, 9 to be expected to remember that much detail, that many nitpicky little things!

The short story is that your daughter's behaviour is annoying to you, which is common. Has her behaviour escalated since the birth of the new baby? Perhaps attention seeking?

I do think that she had a point, in your example about the bedtime story: You yelled at her that she could go to bed without one, and then you didn't like that she told you that you weren't very nice...well, momma, you weren't very nice. You could have gently explained "You know, momma's a little tired, and some of these words don't look right...how about YOU read to ME tonight instead?"...Rather than treating her like an ungrateful wretch that is banished to bed.

Perhaps another way of looking at it is that your 7 YO is NOT an adult. So, yes, she may "know" you're tired, but she doesn't understand how that should affect your interaction with her.

You need to find a way to increase your patience, and perhaps your understanding of children who have been tagged "advanced". You will have much better results with your children if all of your actions are rooted in patience and love, rather than frustration and fatigue.

Connie - posted on 04/15/2013

4

0

3

I am the mother of an 8 year old - soon to be 9. Much of what you've said resonates with me - ESPECIALLY the smacking of food.
You've said that you just had a baby - were these issues there prior to the babies arrival? There might be some animosity now that your daughter is not the "be all and end all" - and this is just her way of showing you she isn't happy.
My 8 year old has also been classified as gifted, so I understand what you are talking about regarding her ability to process information.
So - my best advise is to be honest with her - and explain things logically to the logical kid.
For example, yesterday at my "happy" (read sarcasim) home, my kids (I have another daughter who is 4) were fighting, and of course, the 4 year old was crying. I sat them both down, and in a stern voice, I asked them if they thought they would have ANY fun in the afternoon if they continued on as they were. My youngest said "she was yelling at me" my oldest said "no, I wasn't" and so on and so forth.
I told my youngest that if her sister was yelling at her, to turn around and say "STOP yelling at me" - but not to start crying, because crying would get her no where and just make her sister madder. I told my oldest that if her sister told her to stop yelling, then to stop yelling. Otherwise, the end result would be that they would both be punished.
If you sit down and explain to her your expectations and WHY you expect these things (like respect, courtesy, kindness, etc) I think it helps. This way they understand that it's not just "Because Mommy said so", but for a true reason.
Good luck - if you can figure out how to stop the smacking while eating, please share. That one is driving me nuts!!!

8 Comments

View replies by

Errica - posted on 05/15/2013

2

0

0

I read about what you were saying about expecting to much from a young kid. I do the same thing and I realized that but for some reason I still expect it. As a child myself I also had to know everything and take care of myself pretty much, there was no reminders like you said........that's why I feel I expect to much from my 9 year old and I get upset with him when he doesn't keep up the routine. If I could only impound that in my head that he's only a kid and he's going to behave like a kid then things would be ok. I haven't always been so strict but these last 2 years I've been different......I use to be able to laugh and have fun with my son but now it seems like all I do is worry and stress about things that need to be done around the house or what bills need to be paid or getting ready for tomorrow I'm always go go go and I never stop. It's like i'm trying to keep my mind busy all time.

Errica - posted on 05/15/2013

2

0

0

I'm in the same boat like you are. I have a 9 year old son that it seems like we start at ZERO everyday as well. I do everything I can...I lecture, we watch videos from scared straight, I have so many talks with him, I'm patient, nice, etc etc but nothing seems to work. I feel like I'm a broken record, at times I just want to cry because I don't know what to do. It's nice to know other people that are going through the same thing........I laughed when I read this because it was like reading something I wrote lol.
I needed that laugh so bad tonight because I just keep replying certain moments in my head about my son and its driving me crazy because I feel helpless and I feel like I'm drifting away from him instead of being close to him. I feel like a horrible mother for feeling thing way but I do know that every parent drifts from time to time and it just takes some good people in your life to let you know that your not alone. I'm sorry I didn't write any advice on here but I had to respond because were going through the same thing......all I do is hope and pray he turns out ok and this is just a faze that will pass.....I HOPE I HOPE

Sam - posted on 05/15/2013

17

0

1

You need to get her to become a. Big sister. Maybe that will help. Make her feel like you need her help. But tell her you got to do certain things a certain way. Maybe getting her involved with thinking she has big responsibilities. But you got to encourage her. If not she gunna pick up on the bad habbits I.e yelling. Meaning she'll play with her dolls and yell at them. Basically mimics what you tell her.. or make her a rewards chart. Checks off every time she does her chorses.

Ty - posted on 04/20/2013

76

0

19

Shawnn,

Things are going way better!!! Her reading to me at night is going great at because most of the night I am exhausted from caring for my newborn and handling the house. I can still work on my patience though...today I caught myself being a bit harsh but at least today I saw it, and realized I was wrong and stopped myself. Tomorrow I am going to try not to have any incidents of me lashing out at my own kid.

I also realized somethin else, I am a tired mom...I lost my mom last year, got pregnant a couple months later, and recently had a babu, and so I am greiveing, recovering from pregnancy, and caring for a newborn too...I am not going to swing back into the person I was 16 months ago it's going to take some time and I can't try to force myself to be that mom I was and I can't let my daughter's healthy desire for me to return back to my old self asap make me resent her - i honestly think that's what i have been doing she just wants her mom back and I want to give it to her..it just is going to take some more time...but for now..stopping the damage I am causing in her and our relationship will help her see Im still the same mom I was before I lost mine.

Honesty is always the best medicine...I appreciate it, truly.
t

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 04/19/2013

13,264

21

2015

Ty, thanks for seeing beyond my "blunt" :-) How are things going?

Ty - posted on 04/17/2013

76

0

19

Thanks to both of you for being honest with me about my behavior. I don't have parents around to ask and as a child I was expected to know all the things I ecpect my daughter to know. There were no options for me, I had to take care of myself period. I was not reminded about school work, or teethbrushing or making my bed. It was told once and I knew to do it from then on. I understand that I cannot expect my daughter to do anything that I did at her age, she isn't me and most kids aren't me. That isn't a normal expexctation to have I guess. For some reason, making a bed, brushing teeth, clearing the table, etc seem to me like things a 7 year old should know to do daily. I guess not.

Also I am going to try and explain things to her some more, and try to be more patient and calm. Her behavior has not changed with the baby this all occured before and it continues to now. I don't consider this as nitpickicking with my daughter, I just wanted to her to have decent manners At the table and with her personal hygeine. My 7 year old life was nothing like this...and I can't expect her to be me...I am going to tell myself that every morning.

t

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms