I need help with my future step daughter...

[deleted account] ( no moms have responded yet )

My step daughter, who is 6yrs, she is bright beautiful little girl... I guess i need to say sorry now, there will be some rambling involved...
some background info
Her mother basically left her, she now spends her time on drugs, the last we heard, and hasn't had anything to do with her for the past 2 1/2 years..
My partners ex, he was with for 3 years is all she knew of a mother figure, and she wasn't that good, when they meet, she had a 3month old daughter, and his ex played favorites with her daughter for the whole world to see... No praises, no pickup hugs and kisses...

Now when she wets her pants, she stays in them, doesn't change, or tells anyone she has wet them, i've tried telling she can't do that, "because we are girls, you have to change your pants straight away, you could get sores and/or infections"
Now my partner has been thought it all, he has done the reward charts, doctors, therapist, taking toys away etc etc and it doesn't work.... the therapist said she is just being lazy, its a phase and she will grow out of it, but its been over a year....
I maybe blowing my own pipe here, but since I have been in the picture, she has improved on quite abit of things, her table manners, her behaviour has improved and she has 4 dry days so far in a row!!! And i have praised her, she has gotten her toys and books back, gets to watch movies now, so i'm HOPING that has worked some what...
When she didn't wet her pants yesterday at the Holiday progamme, i was so proud of her and gave her a big hugs and kisses, she gave me this look as to say 'what the hell was that!!' normally when you hug a child they put your arms around you, she had her arms down, like she didn't know what was going on.
We were at the lake on Sunday, having a picnic, she and my son went to the toilets, i went in after awhile, and there is a lady there talking to her, asking her where is her mummy her reply was "i don't have one" "she left me", that broke my heart, to hear a little girl say such things.

Sometimes when your are explaining things to her, she will give you this blank look, like she doesn't understand and it is rather frusting!! And she won't do things, if she makes enough noise she will expect someone to do it for her... e.g putting her seatbelt on, brushing her hair...
When i was teaching her how to ride her bike, it was like she expected me to ride it for her. I kept telling her, I can't ride your bike for you darling, YOU have to do it... and after a day she got it, and is now hooning around the house with my son on their bikes...
I believe she lacks ALOT of confidence and she doesn't have her own personality, my son still sucks his finger (which i've been trying to stop) so she has just started to suck her finger, and she gets in trouble for it....
She is also still in night time pull ups, and its not the odd wet one, it is soaked every morning, i've asked my partner what he has done, and he has done everything what i did to my son when night time training him...
its not that i don't believe him, but i wanted to go though the motions myself, just so i know i've done it and whats happened...

so basically i would like help with a few key points
1. how can i encourage her to stay dry during the day
2. any suggestions how to get her to be dry at night
3. how can i get her to be confident within herself and be her own person

I come from a family of 9, and i'm the 4th oldest, so its not like i don't know whats it like to be around children, but i don't know what do to in these situations.

can you please help
all comments welcomed

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