i want to leave my kids

Rachel - posted on 10/12/2012 ( 12 moms have responded )

4

0

1

Can anyone offer advice? i have 3 children (boys) 19, 16 and 14 (Nearly 15) i split with their father five years ago. should of left him years ago and feel very bad that i didnt now. he turned to heroin which was the last straw after years of abuse mainly mentally but some physical. everything i say for my childrens best interests and every rule i try to put down for the whole of their lives he has undermined and now i am so sick of it i feel suicidal. i have suffered depression for years and been under the doctor, now the doctor is even saying basically its your own fault! i understand it was me who chose to stay for whatever the reason, but no matter how i try nothing seems to work. now i want to just leave and start again. my own mother left me aged two, i was abused by a family member, i never knew my father which is why i have tried so hard. but i am at breaking point now. i can not get better i feel if i stay :( i have been assaulted by my son and all 3 boys although being very close to me are so like their dad. should i just leave?? please help me

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Barbara - posted on 11/15/2012

155

0

12

I am really sorry to hear what is going on with your life. You have 3 boys and I am sure you were so happy with all of their births. The trouble now that you are going through is overbearing. I agree that you need family counseling and speak with the school let them know what you are going though at this time. I truly believe with family counseling you will save your family. I believe you need and what to save your family. Keep the boys leave the husband. Stay strong and keep the faith.

Jackie - posted on 11/15/2012

9

0

1

I agree that family counseling is important. Another thing that I have not seen mentioned here is the fact that you don't have to do this alone! You have these people on here that care and I care. Feel comfort in that. Also, everything is possible with God. When you call on Jesus, all things are possible... we can mount up as eagles and soar! You must believe in a power greater than yourself, and that this power can help you to find the next right move for your and your children's life. That counselor you talked about sounds like a quack. Let him go definitely. You are not worthless. You are a beautiful creation who has infinite possabilities.... Believe that! Let it become you on your journey. Don't give up. You will regret that more than you realize now.

Sherri - posted on 10/15/2012

9,593

15

391

Then you call the truancy officer and you let them deal with him. So that at least the school knows you are doing everything in your power. Also where would your 2 teens go if you up'd and left? They would have no one.



This post frightens me for you and for how your children who are almost adults will be as adults. You all need some immediate help and counselling.

Ariana - posted on 10/12/2012

1,309

0

624

You should consider going to a family councellor.



I don't know if you really want to bail as much as you seem to be very overwhelmed. It sounds really hard to deal with all of this. Going to a councellor will give you a way to express all the problems that have been going on. They will also be able to help you find coping skills and hopefully parenting skills for the boys.



Get a family councellor who can help you and your boys talk to each other and figure out what issues are going on and how to solve them.



You might even want family councelling as well as your own individual councelling (either with the same person or two, I would ask whatever councellor you have about it).



It sounds like there are a lot of issues going on and there is no quick solution, but bailing on them now isn't going to help the situation. Find a councellor and see if there are any resources in your community that could help.



Good luck!

12 Comments

View replies by

Bobbi Jean - posted on 11/18/2012

178

0

40

I agree with Dove. If the doctor is blaming you, then it's time for a new doctor. As far as court--call social services and get all the help they can give you. They should be able to set you up with a family counselor and support. This way you can also show the court positive action on your part.



Good luck!

Jessica - posted on 11/12/2012

130

7

6

Your 19 year old is old enough that he should be on his own shouldn't he?

Abigail - posted on 11/11/2012

10

0

0

Am sorry that you have had to endure so much suffering. my heart really bleeds for you. should you decide to take your children with you, l beleve all of you need to go for family counselling. already your children are manifesting the fathers behaviour well because that is the only role model hey have had. counselling will help them understand how dysfunctional their family life has been. you also need to go understand that you made the right choice to leave this abusive relationship. you mention that your sons ae being abusive towards you, will you be able to handle it when you are staying with them. are they willing to seek help with you. so History is repeating itself, but you are leaving your husband and that is breaking the cycle. because he is abusive. you need to get help like l said in helping you to deal with the abuse in your childhood, it was not your fault. you are depressed. l think you should get help for yourself so you are able mentally and emotionally to help your children. if you are able, remove them form your husbands influence while you are sorting out what to do. do you not have instituitions or people who can help those in your situation. Try the church s well. am praying fo you

Tina - posted on 10/23/2012

1

0

0

Hello,

Well things must be pretty difficult for you at the moment but hang in there. If I know one thing that is for sure, nothing ever stays the same. If we repeat the same behaviours, you will get the same result. So it looks like a change of inner dialogue, habits, behaviour etc is needed. A rule I go by is , people will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You have to learn how to stop people and yourself from treating your sons as well as your self, badly. First step is to get rid of the doctor you have been seeing. No Dr has the right to a personal opinion. So when you have your new Dr ,talk about your depression and that you would like a referral to see a psychologist and a family advisory help group. If you need to take medication, then do it. Medication has come a long way over the years.You can not do this alone. You and your sons have to heal from the past wounds. Especially you. So get help from anyone you can , the salvo, beyond blue are two I can think of.

Don't take everything on board. It's not your fault. When we know better we do better. We are all human, none of us are perfect. It's no surprise that the boys are abusive towards you. They have watched their dad be abusive towards you and therefore you have taught them that this is how you interact with mum. This is to stop. You all must love each other so use this as your foundation. You need support and guidance right now so seek it and use it. I get the feeling you don't have a net work of supporting loving people around you right now and that you are not use to asking for help. Well that is where the change of behaviour, inner dialogue and habits come .in. Hang in there. This is your opportunity to shine.You show your boys what a strong, loving and courageous women you are.Make yourself proud. I believe you can do this. Big Hugs, TE

Rachel - posted on 10/22/2012

4

0

1

Thankyou all :) no my children nor like their dad in way that he's on drugs. They just have his ways in general, some of which have came from abusing drugs such as sneakiness and lies. i have been trying to get the right help now for five years :s that is why i am @ the end of my tether. social services dont want to know, they have came out on several occasions but as i dont live in a pit, starve my kids or beat them they do not want to know! i have had a 6 week help from a referral service attached to social services but 6 weeks isnt very long time to sort years of escalating problems. councilling and doctors paha! well i suffer depression, i was sent away to phone up healthy minds, which i did. i then poured my heart out and was told that i needed a phychiatrists help, got appointment felt happy that @ last some1 i can talk problems through with. but when i get there my appointement has been cancelled, eventually after persisting i was seen and i was told my doctor had cancelled it? phychiatrist said i need some form of councelling but not from him given a leaflet. came out feeling totally let down. phoned doctor he denied cancelling it for me. now to top it off even though i will be on medication for rest of life for depression my doctor is saying i am not depressed??? confusing isnt the word! so just as i start to feel better Wham! i started a college course to try and get back on track and to get some confidence back and try and find and be able to keep a job. now my esa has been stopped! i want to work but with all these probs and depression it is so hard :(

Dove - posted on 10/16/2012

12,536

0

1354

Call the truancy officer, social services, a counselor.... Someone, anyone and get the help that your entire family needs NOW. Please. If a doctor is saying it's your fault (whether it is or not)... that doctor is not out to help you. You need someone who will see the entire situation and HELP you... not just lay blame.



Hang in there and do this for you and your boys!!

Sujai - posted on 10/13/2012

1

9

0

I know how it is when you get desperate... But don't give up!!! Sounds to me like a lot of the problems in your household stem from chemical addiction, (I assume that is what you mean when you say, "they are like their dad") as the mother of a sixteen year old I find that in this day and age we are up against a lot on those levles.

I find there are four general plans of attack on the situation: first you have the lock down method, these kids are just trying to get away... They fight with their parents a lot & often try to run away.

Then you have a surprising number of "do whatever you want" types. Unfortunately all these kids are being set up for probation & juvenile hall, & all kinds of failure before they even have a chance in life.

Next you have the "my way or the highway" approach... There is no way for that to end well... These kids are alone in the world, with no guidance when they need support the most. And are also headed towards insurmountable failure.

Then you have a more middle ground ie "I don't want you to, but please confide in me if you do" if you can try to remain non-judgemental you can try to guide them away from things that could ruin their lives... Such as drugs, alcohol, & crime... Getting there can be a lot harder than all that tho, especially if you already have problems with communication, & dependency.

I think that getting help is a great place to start. We set up certain types of relationships with people over the years & It can take years to break them back down. But it is ever so worth it!!! An elderly uncle said to me "When we are old and look back on our lives we will judge ourselves based on how well our kids are doing" If you run you will hate yourself in your final hours, or even sooner. Please stay strong, consider the future & seek help... Sending hope & loving thoughts to you & yours

Rachel - posted on 10/12/2012

4

0

1

PS i have been taken to court for youngest not attending school, am on probation and he doesnt seem to care. next time i will go to prison even though i am doing all i can to get him up and to school.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms