Lying

Rachel - posted on 12/12/2011 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Pls help. My nine year old daughter has got into the habit of lying. She will look me in the eye and swear she is telling the truth, followed by tears if she is not believed, (due to the fact that she has been caught lying before). I even now give her a chance to change her story and tell the truth when questioning her but she just modifies her story to cover the first lie. This issue has been going on for quite some time and I now just dont know what to do. Any advice welcomed.......

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Ayen - posted on 12/15/2011

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i always believe that trust should be present at all times... when i caught my 8 year old lying about something she's done, i had a. realization that she's scared of me thats why she's hiding in her untrue story... i talked to her that
1. it breaks my heart that she cant tell me the truth even if it will get her into trouble... lies have a way of being found out and it makes her less credible next time she speaks the truth... i then assured her that no matter how bad it is I am here to listen and understand and that i am older and i have been through whats shes going thru...
2. i am more open about things with her, citing examples of past shortcomings i had with my mom and how we resolved things and now me and my mom are friends... i told her that i want to be her BEST FRIEND all the time... and that she can rely on me for anything... we have this "BFF" moments where we openly share stuff with each other... i need to assure her all the time that i am also capable of mistakes but i more capable of telling the truth because lies hurt people i love and i will not do that to her.
3. i also told her that sometimes Mommy has to be the Boss... there will be punishments but it doesnt make me love her less... i assure her all the time that i also got punished by my mom several times and it proved to me that my mom loves me and wants me to be a better person.
4. when caught lying, i would make it a point not to embarrass her infront of anyone and talk to her separately... it helps her trust me more...
5. most importantly, i need to be consistent with all of these... open communication and constant bonding really helps... the root of her lying may not just be because she's afraid but may also be because she needs attention... so it is very important that i communicate openly all the time.

well i hope this helps...

Michelle - posted on 12/12/2011

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My son tried that at about the age of 6 and the only thing that worked for me was I told him a lie. I told him that if he could behave for an entire week I would buy him something and at the end of the week when he had earned his reward I told him I had lied and this of course really upset him then we talked about the importance of always telling the truth and how it hurt when someone lies to you. I did however get him his reward when the lesson was all said and done. I have had very few issues of lying since then and he will be 11 next month.

Amy - posted on 12/12/2011

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We have a very similar motto here when you tell the truth the punishment is not that bad, if you lie your punishment is tenfold!

Kimberly - posted on 12/12/2011

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I have always lived by the rule that if you do something wrong, there will be a punishment but if you do something wrong and lie about it the punishment will be three times worse. My daughter is only 2 so it only been my sisters and niece and nephew who I have used it with. Maybe explain to her that by lying she is making it very hard for you to believe anything she says as you dont know when she is telling the truth and that it really hurts your feeling when she does it as you raised her to not lie. good luck with it

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/12/2011

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It does seem to be an age thing. Be consistent. If she lies, punish her, BUT...if she lies, then does tell you the truth, don't punish her as bad. There lies the rub...You want to punish the lying, but reward being truthful. The reward, in this case, is not getting into as much trouble as if she'd lied.

It's tough. I think the thing that worked best with us was pointing out that we can't trust them when they lie. And questioning EVERYTHING that they tell us. (even if my son said it was nice outside, I'd go check and make a point of showing him that I couldn't believe him) He got the point.

I still catch him, once in awhile, but he's getting to the point where he is realizing that he's not a good liar, and he can't get away with it. Of course, now he wants things like sleep away camp...and I can't allow that, if I can't trust him... (that's another of my examples to him)

Keli - posted on 12/12/2011

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My son started lying when he was around nine too. My nephew is nine and we have started to catch him in lies also. This is a normal and difficult stage that most kids go through. my son would insist that he wasn't lying even when shown evidence that he was lying. I had to ground him from all "screen time" (computer, tv, video games etc). He still wouldn't stop lying. It got so bad that I had to ground him to his room (all fun things removed) for days at a time only coming out for meals and bathroom needs (he is very social and being cut off from the family was hard for him) I also made write the definition of lying in the dictionary over and over and over. He wrote pages of the definition. I also gave him a concordance and made him look up and copy and memorize all Bible verses that had to do with lying. This went on for months. No one punishment worked right away; but eventually the lying did taper off. I still catch him lying once in awhile; but when confronted he admits it right away and apologizes.

I realized that these punishments seem extreme; but I am a single parent and I was desperate. I had to let him know that lying was not ok. The important thing to do is to stay consistant in your punishment and your convictions. Don't back down. This is where you help shape your daughters views on lying for the rest of her life. Hope some of this helped nad good luck

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