My 6 year old is having problem with friends at school.

Anna - posted on 02/08/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My six year old daughter is a very outgoing sweet little girl, outside of school she doesn't have problems making friends, my husband an i have a lot of friends with kids her age and she plays well with them. She also gets along great with her friends from her Karate class and our neighbors kids.
We live outside of the US and she goes to a private school where the main language taught is french. She didnt have any trouble learning french and she does very well in school.
Last year when she was in first grade, she had a best friend who she spent all her time with at school. The thing is that the girls mom though her daughter was obsessed with my daughter ( the little girl would cry if my daughter was not next to her in class or if my daughter didn't go to school). So the mom made the bad decision of prohibiting her daughter from playing with my daughter since she thought it was affecting her school work. My daughter was heart broken when her friend told her she couldn't play with her anymore. The thing is i think her other friends started thinking there must be something wrong with this girl ( my daughter) if a mom is telling her kid she cant play with her. I had various meetings with her teacher, school psychologist, and the girls mom and finally (2 months later) the mom called and asked for my forgiveness crying that she had made an awful decision and that she really regretted it. ( I think it really hit her when in a class activity that she attended my daughter asked her if her daughter and my daughter could be friends again.) My daughter really wanted to keep the friendship with this girl so i accepted her forgiveness and my daughter finished off the school year great and didn't have any more problems with any friends. This year when she started 1st grade she was really happy and she finished her first semester in December getting along with all her classmates. She was really happy going to school. ( the best friend from last year was in another 1st grade class) And she had made a new best friend in her new class. In January after school started up again is when all the problems started. I don't know what happened exactly but she started having problems with different girls in her class. She still has her new best friend but there is a group of girls that are calling her names, playing mean pranks on her. The other day they were playing that they were princesses and one girl ( one of the two leaders in the girls group) told my daughter that she couldnt be a princess since she has dark brown hair. That princesses have light colored hair and that witchs have dark hair, so she had to be a witch. These 6 girls are always saying mean things like that to her or doing mean things to her ( today 2 girls were poking her with a pencil). And i think that these kids being mean to her are encouraging her other classmates to not want to paly with her. She tells me that sometimes she asks kids if she can play with them and they will say no. Today i asked her why she doesn't tell her teacher and she tells me that he doesn't like them talking in class and that she would rather tell me so i can tell her teacher. ( Her teacher is French and i think she has trouble telling him things sometimes since her classmates and her are just learning the language) I have been talking with her teachers and i have told them everything my daughter tells me and they have promised me that they will help me out and find out what the problem is. I asked for their help about a week ago and my daughter has told me that her teachers ( she has an English and a french teacher, she spends more time with her french teacher) have been talking about how friends treat each other and that you shouldn't do to others what you don't want others to do to you. I think it has helped a little since she tells me that her other classmates have let her play in games at recess. But it breaks my hear when she starts telling me that she sat on the stairs with her best friend because one of the mean girls told her she couldn't sit with them at the table. Even thought the teachers talking to them has helped some with her other classmates, the 6 kids who are bullying her are still being mean to her. Today her mid trimester vacation started (she has 1 week off school). i wrote an email to her teacher today asking him to help me out to try to see what else we could since this was really worrying my husband and i. I even told him that if we don't see any improvement by the end of the week after they start school up again, that we would seek help from the principal and that we would try to meet up with the kids parents to see what is causing this behavior. I'm also looking into getting the emails or numbers of the parents of the kids that are being mean and setting up a meeting with them. I dont know what to do anymore? My daughter is really persistent, she tries to be nice to these kids trying to be their friends, but they keep being mean to her. The only thing that makes me happy is that she has her 1 best friend in her class and that she also has other friends in other 1st grade classes who she can play with at recess. But it really breaks my heart when she says things like mom i dont know why my classmates hate me. In her little heart she wishes she could get along great with everyone ince her teachers have always told me that she is a leader in her class. i dont know if the mean kids think that she is trying to take their place as leaders? Anyone going through anything similar? Any advice on what we should do? Sorry its so long, i guess i really wanted to take out everything i had bottled up inside!

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Wow that just took me back to first grade, lol. First of all, you are doing great and being very supportive of your daughter during this time, and that is what matters most. Sometimes kids are just mean. I remember after my dad passed, me and my mother moved to her old home-town with her parents, and it was in the middle of the country. I didn't want to go because me and my mother weren't close at all. But I tried to be positive about school. I am half black half white, and at the time I was the only multiracial child in the school. I didn't notice until school started and I tried to make friends. I asked a group of girls if I could play with them and they said "no! you don't look like us!". I was stunned. I went to this same school until the 8th grade, dealing with the same nonsense the whole time. My mother didn't know, because she never talked to me or asked me how school was. So you are doing great supporting her!

Just tell her that kids can be mean sometimes, and it's not her fault. My aunt gave me advice once that I wish I would have known sooner "I don't care how nice you are, or what you do, there is always going to be somebody somewhere who doesn't like you, but guess what? That's their problem, not yours! And it doesn't determine the kind of person you are or what you do in life, so why worry about it?" While I know that might be a big concept to understand for a first grader, maybe you could break it down to her level. Your daughter sounds like a sweet girl! I hope everything works out!

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Anna - posted on 02/10/2013

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Thanks Kristen! Im really sorry you had to go through that, it must have been really tough! Today i was actually talking to her about it and i think its one mean girl that is encouraging the rest of the girls to be mean to my daughter. Im really hoping that by talking to her teacher, school or the girls parents we can solve this.

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