My daughter was molested by her godmother's new husband when her godmother left her alone with him without my knowlege or permission it happed twice during xmas school break and he confessed and is in the county jail awaiting trial, but I don't know if I should put her in counseling outside of the school counselor or should we wait for her to ask to talk to someone, I want us to get past this and not focus on this as much as we have been. If you have been through this please please tell me what worked and what did not work for you. I want my daughter to get past this and get back to being a little 7 year old girl.

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User - posted on 02/05/2009

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Quoting Tammy:

My daughter was molested by her godmother's new husband when her godmother left her alone with him without my knowlege or permission it happed twice during xmas school break and he confessed and is in the county jail awaiting trial, but I don't know if I should put her in counseling outside of the school counselor or should we wait for her to ask to talk to someone, I want us to get past this and not focus on this as much as we have been. If you have been through this please please tell me what worked and what did not work for you. I want my daughter to get past this and get back to being a little 7 year old girl.




This happened to me as a child. No one got me the professional help that I probably should have had.  Because of that this had an affect on my realationships as an adult and then even into my marriage. I have since sought out the help I should have gotten initially.  My marriage, self confidence and even self worth have flourished. I would definately advise you to seek a professional in that field for your daughter I was only two years younger than her when it happened to me. And all though the school counsler is good, you want some one who spealizes in that situation. I am so sorry that someone you trusted betrayed you in the worst possible way, my prayers are with you and your daughter and family.



 

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Deborah - posted on 06/05/2013

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My daughter is 14 and when she sleeps over the godmother's house, who doesn't have any children of her own, the godmother thinks it's ok for her to sleep with her. I don't think this is normal or healthy.

Kell - posted on 04/03/2013

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I was that little girl.. And yes therapy helps.. but youre little girl will also need reassuring that she is a good child and it is not her fault. When i was younger I didnt have any support from my parents as they did not believe me until he was caught with my sister some years later, but that was all i wanted as they were the only people in the world that mattered.. keep strong for her and she will get strong for you. if you notice her go quiet or seem disinterested in anything she usually likes, try to get her excited again or take her mind to something else.. She will never forget, but she can overcome it.. it will take time and patience.. just be there for her.. Im so very sorry for your experiences and hope this helps..xx

Miriam - posted on 02/06/2009

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first off Am so sorry to hear that his terrible thing happened to your little girl i can not imagine what you are going trough! i think you should give hr all the help she needs and one more thing do not forget to look after yourself trough all this you should consider counselling to it might help you best off luck in the future xx

Michelle - posted on 02/06/2009

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Wow I am so sorry that your daughter has to go through this.  I too have delt with this horrible situation as a child her age who did not speak up and said nothing till around the age of 14.  Please consider counseling totally outside of school.  I am sure that they are great.  I am sure that she will get through this just fine.  She already has a mother she trusts enough to tell her what horrible thing happened to her.  It is not about focusing on what happened but to help her understand that it was not her fault or even her godmothers fault that this person is so sick that he choose to do this.  It is hard to understand why someone would want to hurt anyone like this let only a child.  I still struggle at times.  I wish I could of came forward in the beginning.  Your daughter is a brave and you have taught her to love her self.    Your husband and you should be proud of  your parenting and your daughter.  My positive thoughts are with you and your family.

Jennifer - posted on 02/05/2009

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She needs therapy outside of school. This is very important. You may not see any effects now but you will later in life. I have a foster sister and a semi foster sister (she was a foster child of my aunts and now lives with my mom outside of the system). We have been from drug addiction to suicide and therapy is her main chance

Michelle - posted on 02/04/2009

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Personally I think that you should sit down with your daughter and ask her what she wants.  My nine yr old just had to testify against her dad b/c he made her do some things to her when she was 5.  He and I divorced when she was 6 and I didn't know anything about it until she came out and told me last spring.  She said that she was afraid that no one would believe her and that she would be in trouble.  She's had to talk to detectives and then had to testify in court twice.  He was found guilty at trial and is now looking at 10yrs in prison.  But she hasn't talked to counselor's they've been suggested for her but I've talked with her myself and she doesn't want to talk about it anymore, she just wants it to be over with.  This was drawn out for almost a yr and everytime I had to take her somewhere else to "talk"  about it afterwards she'd ask if it was over.  I know that counselling is good for some people but other's are fine without it so I would really just talk to your daughter about what she wants to do.  I went through all the crap myself as a teen and I was forced to talk about it when I just wanted to forget it, talking never helped me, it only made me more angry.  You know your child and what is best so it's your decision but I'd listen to what she has to say.

Amanda - posted on 02/03/2009

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Hi, well I was also molested as a child. I was 3 the first time, 6 the second, 12 the third and 15 the fourth, all by different people so I do know gow you daughter feels. After the first time my Mum made me go to councelling and I hated it, I just hated talking about it when all I wanted to do was forget it, but bringing it up every week was so hard. The second time she asked me if I wanted to talk about it and after a little while I did. The third I didn't want to talk about it again because I felt like it was my fault cause it was a boy who was 17 and he made me feel like I was the one who wanted him to do it, (meanwhile I was scared of sex because of what had happened earlier). Then the last time it was my best friends Dad. I tried to tell her (just in case it was happening to her) to mainly let her know she could talk to me if it was going on. I told my Mum AGAIN and she was going to go around there but I stopped her, also my Boyfriend was going to go there to. But I din't want to talk about it again (with anyone official), just a couple of my friends and that helped. So what I'm trying to say is that you need to ask her if she want's to talk about it, don't make her she'll hate you for it like I did my Mum. But ask her every now and then though, always let her know that if she wants to talk you'll be there and that if she doesn't want to talk to you that there is caring and understanding people that she can talk to. Just let her be the one to decide though, it will make her fell like she is in charge of things. I hope this helps you a little, mainly let her know how much you love her every day. Amanda

Angela - posted on 02/03/2009

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I would seek outside therapy. School therapy is in the school where she has classmates are etc. I would suggest a female therapist. The parent will be with them until a trust is built. She needs a safe place outside of school and someone who specializes in the field. A school counselor from my understanding only needs 4 years college and has an overview whereas a private counselor has 8 years I believe and they concentrate in specific areas. Just my thought

Alicia - posted on 02/03/2009

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I have worked with children in this situation through the Judicial System here in CT. My opinion, get her in to counseling outside of school. School Counselors aren't necessarily totally prepared to counsel children in this sort of situation, and some lack the knowledge to handle it. I think an outside Counselor would be a great idea. Even if it's something your child is having a hard time addressing now, it could possibly hit her hard as an adult. I think it may be something easier to cope with now. I'm so terribly sorry to hear about what happened to your daughter. I hope the bastard gets everything he deserves. And I commend you for wanting to do the right thing for your little girl. I wish you the best of luck.

Jenny-Lynn - posted on 02/03/2009

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Hello It's funny but it's not that I have just went through this with my 4 years old little girl. It was her (my addopted father) grandfather. She had told my (birth mother) mother what had happened. We had children's aid involved and they had sent her to counselling. It did nothing. She needs someone she feels she can trust, no matter who that person is you chould let her talk to them. I found that if we keep bugging them about it the just get closed off even more and then you get nothing out of them. I found with my daughter that when we don't ask her all the time if she needs to talk she just comes to us and talks. This is a very hard thing to go through and get over but with a little help and ubderstanding then maybe it will be thatr much easier.

I hope this helped you if not then I'm sorry. But if you ever need someone to talk to about any of it please do not think twice about sending me a message, it's better if you have help then if you do it on your own.

Kelly - posted on 02/03/2009

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Definitely do counseling from an outside source.  I worked with abused children for many years and play theraphy and counseling is a must.  God bless you and your baby girl.

LaTalya - posted on 02/02/2009

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Thank you for sharing this. I would suggest that you support her by getting her counseling outside of the school and as soon as poosible. Per all of the feedback above, it would provide her with a sense of safety. Choose the counselor carefully, to prevent any further emotional damage. I remember when I visited my first counselor, I went in and he treated me like a mental patient. Did not help any, but I kept looking as a young adult and found what I needed. You are a courageous, I know that this is not easy.

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Starting counseling now, even if she isn't wanting/able to talk about this!  That will give her a chance to build trust with the counselor so she can open up when that time comes.  Choose your counselor very carefully and be sure that they have experience/certifications in the area of dealing with victims of sex crimes.  I'm so sorry that this happened to her.  I'll be thinking about you all.

Margaret - posted on 02/02/2009

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I am so sorry to here this. I would get her into counseling as well. I will say I dont think you ever get over something like this, but it does help to talk about it and get your feelings out and to start the healing process.

Charmaine - posted on 02/01/2009

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Its not so much the topic you talk about, its letting your daughter know, that it totally was not her fault, and that you are there for her. Its not something you can fix overnight, as it will now be a part of who she is and who she becomes as she gets older. It will come up when you least expect it, first kiss with a boy, hugs from family members, playing with adults etc........ If she knows you are there for her if she needs it, and has someone to talk to about it, I believe thats all i needed growing up with a similar painful experience in my life.

Traci - posted on 02/01/2009

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Once she has talked about it, it will get easier!! for both of you!! There is no way anyone could ever think that you are putting your needs before hers, this is HIS  fault, and I don't think it would hurt for you to find someone to talk to either, check with wherever you take her about family counseling to help all of you deal with this.



 

Tammy - posted on 02/01/2009

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charmaine, Thank you for sharing your pain, I will definately keep what you have said at the forefront of my mind while I pick out a counslor for her we have already had her talking to the school counslor about this, but I want to make sure that we get her to someone with experience in this area. I dont want to talk about this around her because I am afraid that the reminder with hurt her. It is hard for me to face what was done to her because it is so unthinkable that her innocence has been corrupted, she is very precious to me and the thought of her being harmed makes me craxy, but I dont ever want her to feel like I am putting my own needs before hers as this is her pain I just want to make it go away. I have cried and cried wishing I could take all her hurt away and out of her mind, it is killing my heart! I am sure your mom felt that same way! How to do talk to your child about being violated it is just so horrible! I just dont want this to be the focus of her life and to damage who she is.

Traci - posted on 02/01/2009

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you must remember the horror that was brought into her Godmothers life as well, she is obviously close to Alyssa and I am sure she blames herself and is devastated as well.  It is HIS fault reember that!!!

Tammy - posted on 02/01/2009

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thank you all for sharing your knowlege and experiences this whole thing has been a really terrible and shocking experience for all of us. My Alyssa is a very brave little girl and I am proud to be her mom. I never doubted her words for a minute and neither did my husband, but I think it was almost more terrible when he confessed because we then had to come out of the shock and except the horrible sick thing that happened to our baby girl! She is special needs because she was a preemie and the sicko knew that she was extra vulnerable! I lay away playing the what if game, but I know that if it hadnt been school break he would have found a way to get her alone, I am so angry at her godmother for bring this horror into our lives she is divorcing the sick bastard, but the damage is done.

Charmaine - posted on 02/01/2009

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You cant pretend it didnt happen, She will need counseling, and may for a few years as you just do not know how long this will affect her. I was sexually abused as a child, and never received help. My parents never wanted to talk about it, and they pretended it didnt happen. I delt with it on my own, but it became a huge issue for me when i reached puberty and when i gave birth to my first child at 19. Please do not just sweep this under the carpet for her, as i hold contempt feelings towards my own Mum, for not protecting me, or caring enough to send me to someone i could talk about it.

Traci - posted on 02/01/2009

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They will allow her to come around to it, it would be detrimental to her if they hounded her to talk about it, and you can meet alone with the counselor to give her tips to talk about to make Alyssa more comfortable with her, and I say HER, be sure to get a female, normally if she was a little older I would say get a man but she is to young to be with a male so soon after her abuse.

Andrea - posted on 02/01/2009

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My husband dealt with this from his ex-wife (long, strange story) and 2 of his kids received mandatory outside counseling from a judge.  (He was also given full custody of children too.) The counseling session lasted as long as the psychologist felt it necessary.  



The kids seemed and still seem the same "normal" around me, but I can not say it "hurt" them.  It probably helped them more than I could ever understand.  I agree to definitely get outside counseling and right away. Interview a few couselors and let your daughter decide.  If she doesn't care then pick to your best ability.  Your daughter will get over this. . . remember Oprah still has a hard time yet she is very successful indeed!

Tammy - posted on 02/01/2009

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thank you traci, we are in Minnesota. I actually do have a number to call that was recommended by victim services at our courthouse, I was nervous about getting her counseling until I read your reply I think if they start out on other topics it will help alyssa get to what she needs to talk about

Traci - posted on 02/01/2009

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Wow, definitely get her in counseling outside of school.  I have dealt with this on the personal level and on the professional level.  Let her counselor know that she hasn' t "asked" to tlk about it and they will start with other things and she will open up when she is ready but you definitely need to get her to a counselor.  There are free clinics in every state, if you go to the Department of Human Services they will be able to get you in contact with a counseling program, where are you and I could possibly find a good one through my contacts as I used to work at one here, in Arkansas.  ut a school counselor is not trained to deal with this level of concern.

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