Need an explanation please!

Amanda - posted on 11/26/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have a son who is almost 7, and he started seeing his bio dad a few months ago, and he hadn't seen him in over a yr. He was abusive to me so I left with my 2 children I had with him. Well the problem I am having right now is that my son has had a complete change in behavior when he's with me! He is mean, and rude. Says mean things to me, and says all I do is yell at him. I have 3 other children who are all girls, and they're 4, almost 3 and almost 2. I also do inhome daycare and have 4 full time kids. So there is usually always kids here as well. I hate having to yell at him, but there are things he does diliberatly on purpose that he knows he's not supposed to do. He is talking about his private parts, and is being really mean to other kids. He has ZERO respect for me, and has just told me that If I yell at him again he's going to move out of this dump. He hates coming home after a weekend with his dad. He cries and cries all the way home. He tells me constatnly he wants to move with his dad. And after everything I've done for him it really hurts me that he says that. I know it's fun for him and his sister, My oldest daughter. They have no discipline there, and never get in trouble for anything. I can't try and talk to my ex about our son, because he doesn't get it. He thinks I am mean to him and that I can't stand him. Yes my 2 youngest daughters get somewhat more attention but they are also younger. I sit down every night and help our son with his homework. I spend one on one time with him. My fiance and I recently took him on a trip to see family in another state and didn't take the girls with just to give him alone time with us! What am I doing wrong and why do I feel so crappy about this! I don't think I yell at him but yes I do raise my voice!!! Please need some advice!

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Amanda - posted on 12/02/2010

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I agree that I wish I could get supervised visits if they won't just stop the visits all together! I was so mad and angry and fearful once they allowed him visitation every other weekend. I've sat down and talked to my son and he's told me that his dad told him not to call my fiance dad and not to listen to me. He said that he has to lie to his dad and tell him that he was bad for me and was mean to my fiance. He starts counseling next week. I'm hoping and praying that he tells the counselor this and that the counselor can maybe tell a judge so this can all end. It's obvious that his dad can't step up and grow up and realize that there is nothing wrong with him having a step dad. He's remarried as well and my finace and I are very careful on what we say about my ex and how we talk about him around the children. We keep our mouths shut unless our children aren't home. It just sucks that he can't be mature and enjoy time with his kids and has to stoop so low as to talk bad about us. I am hoping a counselor will be able to tell a judge with his professional opinion that the kids are being more damaged by being around him than they would otherwise. Ugh....I hate this!

Amanda - posted on 12/02/2010

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Sounds like dad is either talking about you negatively in front of him or to him. I think that dad should just not be in the picture, after not seeing his child for a whole year it doesn't really sound like he was too interested in a relationship with his son in the first place. This whole thing could be to get your goat using your son as the weapon. See consoling and an attorney, you maybe able to prove dad is not a fit parent based on your son's new behavior and a counselor could back that up.

Ellen - posted on 12/01/2010

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You're the adult, bottom line. They are the children, and in your house, it's your rules. If they don't respect your rules, then there are consequences. You need to be strong, and not be submissive to your children. It's hard, trust me. I've had 2 years of therapy with my son, b/c I thought I couldn't handle him. I think you should step one up, and have a talk with their bio-dad, and explain that you cannot allow them to act this way, and if it continues, then other arrangements will have to be made, regarding visitation.

Karen - posted on 12/01/2010

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I would for sure see about getting some assistance from maybe a school counsellor or something - how is he at school? Does he do it there to? It sounds like what is going on (regrettably I have been through this with quite a few people I know) is that the other parent is maybe unitentionally putting out there his feelings towards the situation and you. I have seen it happen but more often than not the other parent is trying to manipulate things - sort of get control and kids are impressionable - he clearly looks up to his Biological dad and would like to think he wouldn't steer him wrong so what he says and does must be on the up and up sort of thing.

What I would do is try and talk to your son - assure him that you don't mean to raise your voice at him all the time if you do and that you appologize for making him feel that way that is not your intention. Maybe try to take an hour or so each day and do something with just him even if it is just to get groceries or something. Sometimes when there are a lot of changes in a persons life they act out - kids tend to do it a lot - and they will hit you no holds barred to get a reaction out of you - and the more you react the more they push...and you can bet he is telling his dad all sorts of things - true or not - sort of playing both parties and getting what he wants from both all the attention he wants - good or bad he seems to want the attention. I would for sure not let him hear or see that it is bothering you for one and for two if his father doesn't get it - find a way to make him get it - all it is going to do is divide everyone on different sides and there is going to be a lifetime of resentment. All that needs to be done is some understanding and find some tools to help make the situation better for everyone. Baby steps will lead to bigger steps and then things will start to come around - you just need to speak to someone on what is the best way(s) to approach this and go from there.

Karen - posted on 11/30/2010

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My son is the same way and we (parents) are happily married.I seem to always have to be raising my voice at him too. I notice that a lot of kids around that age are about the same. I know sometimes I catch myself forgetting that he is 7 and not always know better. They are still learning about respect and sounds like he is playing with your stress. He knows you hate it when he does that stuff so he keeps doing it. They LOVE to annoy. lol. There are different things you can try. Like giving him a lecture not a yell about how that is disrespectful and if he did it to someone that doesn't know he is kidding it would hurt their feelings. Try to teach him compassion for others by reading books about people caring for others, talk to him about his feelings, and such. Or some say ignore the disrespectful behavior and act like you don't notice it at all. But I find that way doesn't work for our son as I have a terrible time ignoring it. Good luck.

Crystal - posted on 11/30/2010

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Is it possible to get supervised visits while he is with his dad? Obviously something is going on over there that you are unaware of. What is the agreement with you ex as far as legality? I understand that boys need their fathers in their lives, but if he's not being a positve influence on him, is it a good idea?

Michelle - posted on 11/28/2010

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Your son is playing on your insecurities he likes the lack of discipline at dads, probably hears dad say bad things about you and such and is repeating what he is hearing. Seek out counseling for both you and your son to get through this new transition. I promise all will be good eventually he is just trying assert his indipendence and unfortunately mom always gets caught in the crossfire.

Katherine - posted on 11/26/2010

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You need counseling for this one. I didn't think after an abusive situation you could leave your kids with him alone....I just know from experience.
Your son is probably confused right now. Who knows what his father is telling him. I really think you need to go and see someone.

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