Needing some reassurance

Chrissa - posted on 10/15/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I have a 6 year old from a previous relationship and my husband and I are trying to decide if we want another child. I am feeling on the fence either way. My biggest concern is that my son has 2 half siblings at his dads and he doesn't always have great experiences when he goes there (every other Saturday) he feels like an outsider when he is there and always complains that his toys are broken and such because one of the siblings gets to play with all of "his" stuff because he is never there. I feel guilty because the majority of our life is all about him and when he goes to his dads it isn't because he has to "fight" for attention, will he resent us for giving him a sibling? I also really like the life we have now, we have so much flexibility, is it selfish to not want another child because of this?

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Enna - posted on 10/17/2013

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Your son should definitely have some space and some stuff that is just his at his dad's house, maybe you could talk to dad about it. However, I wouldn't let that get in the way of you having another baby if you want to. You see the problems and you know what you can do at your house so it doesn't happen. Your house is his home, not dad's house because he's there so infrequently.
When we had our second child we made sure my older daughter (who was 6 at the time) got to be very involved about buying stuff for the baby, baby showers, going to the sonogram appointments, etc. She also took a class for older siblings. She was also the first to know about the baby, besides my husband and I. So she got to tell everyone the good news. We also talked to her a lot about how she would be the big sister, so she would help us take care of the baby and she would help teach the baby stuff and that the baby would think she was the coolest person on earth. She totally bought in. And she felt pride in the baby (she still feels a lot of pride for her sister.) We tried to make sure that she understood that the baby was going to be a part of our family and that she would be her baby too. (Not as a parent, but just as someone who the baby would love and she would love in return.)
That's not to say it wasn't hard after we had my second daughter, but it helped get her ready. They still argue and get mad at each other, but they also defend each other, have times where they're like best friends, and they always comfort each other when they're sad. It's wonderful to have someone like that in your life. Now they are 7 and 13 and I'm interested to see how things progress as they get older.
Anyway, in your situation, I would consider what's best for your son when deciding, but I would certainly think about other things. If you don't want to have another child I don't think it's selfish at all. You aren't obligated to have more children. And just not wanting to have to start back over is as good a reason as any. We always planned to have three kids, and while I would certainly love to have a son, it's just not right for us, so we are not having any more kids.

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Minna - posted on 10/18/2013

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Just to be devil's advocate here, maybe while you're all absorbed in the the presumptive new babe, it would be a great time for your husband to spend more time with your son on their own..
Does your husband want a child with you? Most people want to procreate. Is that why it came up? It's hard to weigh everybody's wants and needs. That being said, no way you should have one if you're dead set against it-but a sibling under the right circumstances can be a gift.

Julie A - posted on 10/15/2013

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Definitely not selfish. I say if it happens it's meant to be. Really sad your sons toys get broken an he feels that way. Maybe y'all can set aside some special toys for just him..

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