needs help with a child who has bad outbursts

Amy - posted on 05/15/2011 ( 3 moms have responded )

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i'm looking for help for my sister she has her 4 stepkids now living with her and the daddy they have lived with them now for almost a year and one of the girls is haveing bad out bursts and they dont know what to do they have tryed everything she gets mad and always takes out on my sister tells her she hates her she dont have to listen to her b/c she isn't her mom she hits her and fusses at her the little girl has been though alot over the last 3 year her stepdad raped her over and over her mom did nothing about it even when she knew it was happen and the little girl is very open about it she already talks to someone but they just say just leave her alone she will get over it but she keeps doing it and my sister cant take much more if anyone knows how i can help her please let me know thanks

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Jane - posted on 05/17/2011

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If she is already talking to a counselor/therapist and they say to leave her alone...she needs a different counselor! Ignoring a problem/issue won't make it better. I feel for your sister. I have a step-daugher who is 11. She came to live with my hubby and I 3 yrs ago bc of some personal issues her bio-mom is struggling with. There are times when my SD has pretty bad outbursts too. She has alot of issues stem from feeling like her mommy doesn't want her, etc. It's a very had position to be in as the step parent. Sometimes I just have to send her to her room to "cool down" and then I will go in a few minutes later and discuss her actions with her. I always make sure to tell her that it is okay to have feelings/emotions but that we need to figure out how to handle and deal with them in an acceptable manner. I still struggle sometimes on how to handle her even now, especially bc now we are getting into adolescents/puberty and all of those emotions too. Be there for your sister and tell her to hang in there, she's not alone.

Lana - posted on 05/16/2011

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123 magic is a wonderful parent education tool. It's a DVD that is kind of expencise and avalible online. I used to be a parent educator and everyone I know that used the system had success. Also there are often parenting classes specifially designed for parenting step children. To find programs call your location child protective services, familyresource center, recreation center, ect. There are often therapy services specifically for children of sexual abuse in cities. Tha is a good way to find out about support groups and specific therapy. You can also ask the local child abuse protection agency about that.

Kellie - posted on 05/16/2011

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:'( poor child!

Firstly IMO the answer is NOT punish the child. Yes she needs to know boundaries and what is right or wrong but at this stage punishment isn't the answer. She is hurting BAD, beyond bad. She is acting out her anger, hurt and a myriad of other emotions she is feeling and she is taking them out on your sister because your sister represents what her Mother should of been.

Your sister needs to stop, take a breath and kill this child with kindness and love. She needs to let her know that no matter how badly she acts that she still loves her and will be there for her.

This behaviour is about testing your sisters love and support for her as she doesn't feel worthy of love, especially a Mother's love. Her own Mother rejected and abandoned her why should your sister be any different.

Any one who says she'll or should get over it is a wanker. Your sister needs to take her to a professional, is the person she's seeing a professional?

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"she already talks to someone but they just say just leave her alone she will get over it" This is what the therapist said to you?
Then she needs a new therapist.
and you are more than welcome to TELL your current therapist that I said that.
Tell that little girl every time you CAN...this is not her fault. She didn't do anything wrong...the bad man did. She didn't do this...and there's nothing WRONG with her. Hug her, love her, protect her. Brush her hair, play with makeup, sing silly songs and treat her like a little girl. If she has developed boundaries that she's not comfortable with people breaking...respect those boundaries.
Tell that little girl over and over again that the bad man will NEVER have the chance to hurt her again. Explain to her that hurting others does NOT make her pain go away.
If she is throwing a FIT....take her to a dark quiet room. or outside...anywhere that you've seen calm her before. Hug her, if she will let you. Sit with her if she won't let you hug her. Tell her you are there for her, and you will listen to any feelings she wants to talk about. Don't try to LIE to her and tell her you know how she feels...you don't...and she knows that. Tell her it is NOT HER FAULT. Ask her if hitting her sister makes her feel better...and then if she says yes, find out why. It's going to take a LOT of communication to get this little girl to let her guard down...she has a hard time trusting people, I am sure.
There are several online sources to help you...I was directed to http://www.rainn.org/ recently...and I can't possibly express how much they have helped me and my family.
I pray for that little girl...I feel so MAD right now! I want to go pick her up and hug her...my mother instincts are SCREAMING right now.

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