Stay or Leave - my mariage is falling apart

Debbie - posted on 07/10/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I've been married for almost 20 years. We have three kids.

My husband lies about finances. Since we've been married he's lied and hidden debt four times. Each time I find out by accident - once because we had our car repossessed. The debt varies, this latest time it's about $2,500 but it's been as much as $17,000. We have no retirement because we have to bail him out. The first couple of times there was a gap of several years but we re-mortgaged our house in 2012 to pay off debt and I found out about the new one a couple of weeks ago.
I'm ready to leave but I don't want my kids to suffer. Each of them is involved in an activity music, dance or sports and I won't be able to afford their activities if I leave. Also, the middle one is having some emotional issues related to self-esteem and I don't know if he would be able to handle us splitting.

When I confront my husband he pulls the "I just don't want to let you down" card. But he is also very belligerent and argumentative and doesn't want to talk about it. I'm always the bad guy. I've tried doing the budgeting with him and that worked for a while but two years ago I was hurt in a car accident and it takes almost all of my energy to get through the day, having to keep on top of his activities and treat him like a child is not something I have energy for.

I want to do what's best for the kids but I'm tired of worrying about this and not being able to trust him. I signed on for a partnership with someone I can trust and depend on - but that's not what I have.

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Enna - posted on 07/10/2013

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If you can't trust your husband, and he is repeatedly doing the same things, then what kind of role model is he being to your kids? (I assume they probably don't know much about this, but soon enough they're going to see what's going on.) It's not good for them to see you repeatedly being lied to like this.
How can you afford the kids activities now, if you're in so much debt? $2500 isn't necessarily debilitating depending on how much you make, but it still sucks.
I'm definitely against divorce. My parents were divorced, and it didn't affect me as much, but it devastated my brother. 20 years later, and he still thinks my parents are getting back together. However, there are times when a divorce may be the only way out of a bad situation.
Maybe you could do a temporary separation and tell him he needs to get counselling.

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