Stepson is driving me nutts

Penny - posted on 03/29/2010 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My stepson is a sweet child , I know he is very confussed about the divorce of his parents But I am very tired of constantly being blamed for everything that has happened in their life . His dad decided he wanted out of the marriage before I entered the picture . His mom takes no ownership in her sons actions what so ever . We cant even get her to give him mexication for his allergies .

I met my stepson last year and ever since we met he has been saying very hurtful and ugly things to me when my husband is not in the room . Like I hate you , I want you out of my house . etc

I am at the end of my rope with this child !

Things are so much nicer here when he is with the bio mom , But I understand my husband loves his son , but this child makes it hard to be around him for me and my children .

I am not sure what I can do at this point .

4 Comments

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Jaclyn - posted on 03/31/2010

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I was in this exact situation. The sad truth is that the bio mom is probably feeding the son these thoughts. Most children are not naturally hateful to someone who is nice/caring for them. And yes, the bio mom is probably doing all of those things out of spite. Seriously, I've been there!!!

All you can do is keep being there for the kid. Be nice, be caring, be comforting to him. And hopefully he will continue to see that you are nice and caring and not trying to take his Dad away from him or take the place of mom. It might also help to talk to Dad about it and have him talk to his son. The son is a lot more likely to take it to heart if it is coming from Dad.
All that said, it is still important that your stepson learn it is not ok to disrespect you. Those things are hurtful and not acceptable for him to say to anyone, especially someone his Dad loves. Give him different words to use, like I'm mad at you, I'm upset with you...etc. At 5 he is old enough for somewhat of a talk about it. And ask him why, and see if he can answer. Ask him what you can do to make it better for him. When he says move out, let him know firmly but gentle that is not his choice or an option. He might not know a lot of answers at this point, but it will show him that you are there for him and care how he is feeling. It is a hard road, especially given the situation with bio mom. Patience can be trying, but keep it with the son as much as possible. Prove that bio mom wrong. He will see it as he gets older.

Amanda - posted on 03/30/2010

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well like I said before that your husband needs to set time aside for just him and his dad.....like you said he is not used to having to share him and he is so young that he doesnt know how to focus his anger and frustration about the seperation and you are the outsider and to him you took his daddy away. and by the sounds of the mom she seems a lil crazy, so I bet she is telling him that you took him away and putting these thoughts of anger into him, and he doesnt know anything else....she wants to not be at blame in his eyes for anything so she is going to focus all attention on you two...

it is so important for him to do things with him to make him feel important individually so even if it is just simple things like going to the store just the two of them, or out to lunch, or to the park, or fishing, or for walks,.. I have three boys, and know that they are easily entertained so I am sure if it was just the two of them he could do anything with him....
I wish you so much luck but I know it must be hard...but know that he is 5 and doesnt even know what he is saying, they are words from other mouths!
lots of love in your family I am sure....he will hopefully feel comfortable enough soon to talk about his feelings,,,,

Penny - posted on 03/29/2010

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He is 5 years old and the custody they have is every other week , so one week he is with us and one week he is with Her . I do try to encourage my husband to spend time with his son , Playing etc .

When I moved here to be with my Fiance' now husband , I told him he would have to get use to the changes . The ss never had to share his father with anyone other than the bio mom and I have two children who live with us fulltime . The ss is the one saying things like he hates us and doesn't want us here . Has even gone as far as to say He wants me dead . and then we have the lovely looks he shoots me whenever I enter the room . Or speak to my husband

I have tried to offer help to my husband for dealing with his ex , I wish him and her could co parent for the sake of this lil guy , But if he suggest anything she does the opposite . I am wondering if its just not out of spite ,

What mother doesn't want to get their child theraphy if it is needed , He has been asking her to do this since last Nov . She has the ss on her insurance so we need her to give us the info and she has yet to do so .

I only hope in time all this will work its self out !

Amanda - posted on 03/29/2010

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how old is he?

Coming from a single mom home when I was growing up I understand in some way cause I hated when she would date...I wanted to have her to myself and didnt want anyone to interupt that...

you should see it from his eyes, the little bits of time that he has with his dad, you are there. and I know that you want to be there, but you should ease into the situation. he is obviously very emotional and hurt by everything and needs comfort.

they should do little father son things for a couple of hours in the time he is there for his visit, so that he knows he is still his little man, and that he loves spending time with him doing those things.He misses his dad being there for him solely, and not seeing him on a regular basis, (nightly) is going to take him time to get use to....

kids do not adjust always easy and fast, and every kid greives in their own way, and you seem to be the outlet of blame. U were that outsider that came in when things changed for him...I know it is hard for you but think about what he is really dealing with...and if things dont change over a period of time, family cousiling is always a good way to get out peoples true feelings, and find comfort and closure.

I wish you luck and hope that you can find some extra patience with him, so that your marriage can be long and happy....I can promise that it will all work out, it just sometimes takes a long time...I hated my moms bf for a long time, and actually never formed a real relationship with him till I moved out...

Good luck!

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