Trying to Discipline better

Carmel - posted on 05/04/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have the blues somedays with my 5 year old son. We are going through a phase of just fighting, I have decided to step back and stop yelling and arguing. I feel like I am the bad guy. Helpful tricks anyone. He is a good kid just sometimes does not want to listen to anything his mother says.

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Lisa - posted on 05/05/2010

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Well, first of all yelling and screaming never works. When you yell and scream trying to get them to do something you are only saying that they are in charge. As long as you are yelling they are in charge. That has to stop! No more yelling and screaming.

Now for your sanity girlfriend,
The first thing you need to do is write down the top 5 things he does to irritate you. You are going to work on those first. You are going to sit there with him and have a talk. He is 5, he will understand.

Step one
The first thing you say is
This is what you are doing. These are the things that you are doing that are not working for our household any longer. Let him know he is disrupting the way the family lives and he can no longer do that. Tell him again these are the things you are doing and rename them and say these are the things we don’t like and rename them are the things that are going to stop.

The key here is repetition of the things that you want corrected so he hears them several times.

Step Two
Then you ask him what are the things that he is doing that are disrupting the family and make him name all 5. If he misses any of them repeat the first part in its entirety highlighting the things he missed. Ask again, what is it you are doing to disrupt the family.

Step Three
Then you state that because he is insisting on disrupting the family you are going to have to have some changes. Let him know mommy loves him and wants to protect him and so she is going to protect him from continually making mistakes.

Then you decide on some sort of disciplinary action (choose corporal punishment. There is a way to effectively use it which if you are interested I will discuss with you, but you decide what works for you).

Step four
Next you tell him every time you do this thing to disrupt the family, you will be doing it deliberately, on purpose because we have talked about what you do to disturb the family and you are insisting on doing it. You may no longer have the permission to do this. From now on it is a no no, naughty, disruptive thing and when you choose to do it you are choosing to be in trouble. Do you understand? Then say, listen I mean it. If you do this again, you know now that mommy doesn’t like it, daddy doesn’t like it and we are not going to do it any more. So, if you do this you are going to get this.

Step five
Then ask, Are you allowed to do this any more? What will happen if you do this? Okay so we know if you do this then this will happen right?

Okay and send them off to play……………..

Here is where parents screw up! They don’t follow through. Plain and simple, they don’t follow through.

When you see him do what he is not supposed to do you must take action and do what you said you were going to. If that is time out them by golly, he had better get on time out.

When you discipline you must say why

So, okay he does it and he has to go on time out. You put him on time out and ask him, why are you on time out? He will probably tell you but he might even say I Don’t Know! Then you tell him, ( repetition here!)

Remember we discussed and then you repeat step one, step two and step three.

Give him his time out and there you go. You must do this each time with each infraction. Trust me, he will get tiered of hearing what he is doing wrong and tired of being on time out. It is time consuming but it works.

As he changes his behavior you can add infractions to your list until he is doing everything at your command.

When I call my kids names, I hear yes mom! Even my 19 year old. My kids are rarely in trouble, in fact, I cant remember the last time they did deliberate disobedience………..

I hope that helped a little
Lisa

Cecilia - posted on 05/09/2013

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I agree on not hitting. You're teaching the child hitting gets your way.

What happens when your son becomes bigger than you? Unless you're pretty big- it will happen. Never a good path to go down.

What happens when you can no longer hit hard enough to make him cry and he laughs at you? What type of discipline would you switch to then?

There is a huge difference in your child respecting you and your child fearing you. I want respect, don't you?

Shana - posted on 03/21/2013

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You lost all credibility when you said to choose corporal punishment. So it's ok to hit him but not ok to use your voice?? Not that I think yelling is fine, but seriously, what do you suppose you are teaching him by hitting him.

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Cecilia - posted on 05/09/2013

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feri, go to the main lobby of the forum and post your own thread and people will be able to help you more directly to your issue. just go down the page a little and you will see a box that says start a conversation. hope that helps

Debbie - posted on 03/23/2013

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Motherhood is a journey not a desination. It takes lots of practice and patience to learn what we need to learn. I didn't have the coping skills I needed to handle the everyday battles that creep in and often found myself feeling like the children had more control over me than I had over them. Children need a leader. They are learning too. We don't have to discuss everything with them, they need to learn to how to follow instruction and use time effieciently as well as have quiet time away from all the stimulation of the day. They need to learn how to communicate effectively too, rather than temper tantrums that seem to bring the combat zone into our homes destroying that love at home we want and need for refuge. I had lost the joy of motherhood and didn't see it changing anytime soon. Out of desperation, I discovered a little program called the happy face token system. It claimed that my children would be calling me the best mom in the whole world within 30 days and they would be doing exactly what I needed and wanted them to do, happily and cheerfully, the first time asked! I could hardly believe it, but it was my last ditch effort so I tried it. It was true. I was so amazingly simple and seemed to be made for the happiness and blessing of being a mom. It seemed to come with the consistency factor built in so I could mean what I said and it promoted genuine family unity and love in ways I could only imagine. The children loved earning tokens for the reward list that in itself was unique. They learned self-reliance and looked for ways to help me and each other. I couldn't pay them to do what this program got them to do. One day, my children told me I was the best mom in the whole world after they had done all their work! I can acutaly say I love being a mother now and I never thought that would happen. There is a good web site that discusses this program. http://yourethebestmom.com with lots of ideas and links that discuss this program. The happy face token system is guaranteed to work with children K4-12 within 30 days or you get a full refund. I've never heard of such a thing, but I didn't need the refund because it worked miracles in my family. We used it many years without anything else it was that good.

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Consistency! It's the single most important thing in the world.
I started reading Lisa's comment below, and it looked promising until I read "choose corporal punishment." No, that does not work. Ever. In any circumstance. Please don't.
We (try to) run our household in a very peaceful way. We're equals - meaning we all treat one another with respect. We listen to one another, we come up with rules for the whole family (not just the children), we try to compromise so everyone is happy in our home. We talk... A LOT.
We rarely yell (it's a work in progress), and we focus on natural consequences whenever possible. For example, if you're (nicely!) asking your son to clean something up and he refuses to do it, talk to him about WHY he should clean it up. (They could get broken or lost, someone could trip, Mom can't vacuum with the stuff there, it doesn't look nice, etc.) If he still doesn't want to clean it up, express to him how it makes you feel, and then either leave them there, or move them if they're in your way. Don't put them away for him, though.
If you're consistent with this type of conversation, he will learn to respect and value the members of his family. It works in most scenarios.
It works both ways, though - you're a team. When he needs help, or is having a hard time with something, he needs to be heard as well. It creates for a less stressful environment, and it works!!!

Good luck!!!!

Angie - posted on 05/05/2010

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The trick is consistency. Sit down, with the entire family, and set the rules. Make sure he understands the consequences and then stick to it. Don't allow him to do, even once, what you don't always want him to do. It is tough now but in the long run he'll be a much happier and respectful person.

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