why are my 6 & 9 year old girls difficult whenever they have visited their father?

User - posted on 06/25/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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when my daughters come home from there fathers after 2 nights they have no respect for me,will not do a simple task that i ask,will not go to sleep early nor get up when i call them for school and constantly bicker with one another,even my nearly 3year old son is joining in & im worried if i dont get them under control the situation will always be the same.i have approached there father who doesnt really have boundries when they visit him and can stay up late to have a talk with them but sometimes he just laughs it off,im finding the situation at present very hard to cope with they find it hard because i have rules boundries and give them routine ,not even sticker charts and behaviour books have worked,i could go on forever! please can anyone advise me what they would do in the same situation? thankyou rebecca x

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Brandice - posted on 07/01/2010

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My daughter is 5 and my ex has visitation every other weekend during the school year and has her 5 weeks in the summer. Everytime she goes with him, she gets shuffled around to his parents' house and his wife's parents' house and might be at his house one night. Wherever she goes, she's the baby and gets to do whatever she wants. They don't tell her "no" and let her get by with murder. I am re-married and have a 17mt old so here she isn't the baby so she's not spoiled like she is over there. She would come back and I'd be like "where the hell did my angel go?!"
I finally sat her down and had a long talk with her. I explained to her that while she can get by with things at her father's house, or wherever, she knows what's expected of her at my house and she should act accordingly. I explained that no matter where she is, I'm still her mama and I'm still the boss.
She would get mad too because I wouldn't buy her whatever she wanted. I put a stop to that by telling her that I take care of her, feed her, and do fun things when I can afford it. She knows what money is and what things cost, so she seemed to understand this.
Maybe you can sit your kids down and have a similar talk with them as I did. It took a couple times talking to my daughter and getting to the root of why she thought she could act out at my house, but I figured it out and corrected it.
Good luck!

Chrissy - posted on 07/01/2010

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I went thru the same thing with my kids. My oldest used to be like that coming home from her father's house but now she don't go. My younger daughters used to be like that, and he set no boundries or if something happened no discipline.And I talked to him and told him what was going on, and like your ex, he laughed it off..not wanting to believe it. But he sees it now, he has put them on a routine that is similar to mine, so we have less problems. Hopefully, your ex will see what is going on and change (we can pray right?). Best of luck!!

Melanie - posted on 07/01/2010

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The problem is that their father has no boundaries for them. He may even mouth off to them about you. My mother suffered through this problem with me and my brother. After a visit to my father we had the same problems and we were little pigs too boot. All you can do is love them and explain that mom and dad have different rules and that when at dad's we follow dad's rules and when with mom we follow her rules. IF mom and dad are together for whatever reason then we follow whichever rules are from the custodial parent. It is the best solution that my mom ever came up with.

Suzanne - posted on 07/01/2010

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Do you have any friends with daughters the same age? You may need to team up (during these summer months) and create a "fun" alternative routine... create "movie" nights and "pancake breakfasts" that fit your boundries and create an "adventure day" outing as a reward... something they want (a movie, a day at the beach) as something to look forward to...
Get them INVOLVED in their routine....

Good Luck....

Angie - posted on 06/25/2010

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Kids will push and push and push to see how far we will let them go. Most likely it's the confusion and upheaval of bouncing back and forth. Again, it goes back to consistency. As long as you are very strict about bedtimes, etc, they will learn that what's works with Daddy doesn't work with Mommy. Good luck. In the long run, they'll be glad you were strict with them.

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