The ex-wife and Facebook

[deleted account] ( 170 moms have responded )

Are anyone else's in-laws friends with your husband's ex-wife on Facebook? Am I the only one bothered by it?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Anna - posted on 10/12/2011

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Lol. I just noticed a similar problem on my Facebook page: all in-laws are friends with the ex. I had a conversation with my husband and he does not give a shit as we hardly ever see them. I, to be honest, just find it weird the way she wants to be back where she was thrown out from. She trying to make conversations with them and everything. My husband is sure they will never call her where I am (and better they not). They are ok with me too, but this is the case when they cannot be nice to both of us. Anyway, if I notice too much activity on that front, I will just stop any communication with any of them who does fail to set the boundaries with the ex. The ex is just trying to get back where she was. My advice ladies, do not let this bullshit in your life and do not try to change things being "overly" nice, because it will turn against you sooner or later. Know your place, and everyone who does not recognize it can go to hell.

Karen - posted on 03/03/2013

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This drives me nuts, too. I'm sorry but, I am only human. Everytime my sister-in-law posts a picture of the family, the ex has to be the first to post some kind of "sweet" comment. As if with all her comments she can somehow work her way back into the family legally. I want to scream at her, "Don't you get it??? You're not part of this circle anymore. Go Away!" I think my sister-in-law is just too nice to tell her to buzz off or unfriend her for fear of the stink it'd make in their small town.

Samantha - posted on 12/23/2009

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I would say they def blame me for the divorce. Dear M-in-law didn't see that they had problems long before I entered the pic. We were both married when we met...I know it's awful and not something I'm proud of- I make no excuses for that, it was wrong. And so in some respect the family has a right ,upset I guess. But it's been two years and the m-in-law won't even meet me or my children. The ex has moved on but his mom and sister can't seem to get over it. The ex just irritates me- perhaps a little jealousy on my part, she IS taking 50% off his salary for CS and maint. She shops a lot, goes to concerts a couple times a month and travels. It pisses me off a bit. Get this though- I just noticed she added one of my coworkers to her FB page now too! Ugh... She's everywhere now! Yes, I check her page just to see what's going on- is that weird?? Lol.

Vivian - posted on 09/11/2012

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Elizabeth, this problem is quite common when there has been more than one marriage. It seems that your problem is with the in-laws, and not the ex? In any case my suggestion is that it is your husband's responsibility to set the rules and boundaries. Sure they can be friends with her, but your husband needs to tell his family what is and is not acceptable behavior. You should not be made to feel like a second wife, because you are his current and only wife. They should be happy and love you, just because you make their brother, son happy. As far as facebook is concerned, de-friend all of them and enjoy communicating with your family and friends. Don't give the in-laws the pleasure of knowing that what they say bothers you in any way. This gives them power. When you are in their presence, smile, be nice and walk away when they start being ugly. Eventually they will stop and share their misery somewhere else. I have been married 7 years to my husband. (second marriage for both of us) it took me a long 5 years to learn this lesson.

Brandonwine3 - posted on 09/03/2013

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It bothers me too. I think it sucks, you don't get a chance, my in-law's family is so in love with the ex, they don't even know me and act like they dont care. They tell the ex, you're the best, your great, your awesome and I am the one who takes care of their daughter and cleans up all her financial messes and other problems, but the ex is great. Sucks and I am tired of being treated like that. I don't care about them anymore and thinking divorce sounds like an option. Too much drama, and feeling unappreciated.

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Mary - posted on 08/11/2016

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Hi Kaye

I really do understand how you feel as most of us on here have been there. My brother-in-law's wife, is in constant communication with my husband's exes and it always drove me nuts. It can still irritate me but it is none of our business who others have a relationship with or interact with on Facebook. Facebook is a great invention but can be a menace. I changed my settings (and so did hubby) so that I do not receive her updates in my feed and also, sis-in-law can't share our photos with my husband's exes. They could be up to all sorts of shenanigans, trying to upset me etc but in reality, I haven't a clue anymore what they're doing and am all the happier for it.

It's not easy to extricate yourself from this behaviour but my advice is to not to cause yourself anymore suffering. I know because I did it for far too long. If they are trying to get to you, that means they are already threatened by you. You already have the upperhand! Narcissists love drama, so cut off the supply by not engaging, love your life and love your marriage to your husband.

Mary - posted on 08/11/2016

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Hi ♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ Lively

I perfectly agree with you that everyone should just get over their issues, not only for themselves but also primarily for the children. When my ex and I separated 17 years ago, I was in a very different place. After just three months, my ex started dating his now wife. I was just livid! I could not deal with it at all. I was adamant that his new girlfriend was a ‘demon’ and would never have anything to do with MY son as I was his mother and no other woman was going to trounce all over my turf. It took the best part of three more years for me to calm the heck down and deal with my issues. Afterall, I was the one who ended the relationship and his new girlfriend had nothing to do with all that. When my ex and I separated, we no longer had a say in each other’s personal life but it does take a while to process things and change an old dynamic which no longer applies.

It would appear unfortunately, that my husband’s two exes are still where I was. It’s been 16 years since he split from Ex1 and 11 years since he separated from Ex2. He has a 13 year old son with Ex2 who lives in Norway and two children with Ex1, who lives 80 miles away. Ex2 is now married (got hitched the same day as us..weird!) but Ex1 has never even dated anyone in all this time. On the day of our wedding, Ex1 sent a funeral wreath with a sympathy card to us at the church, just before our marriage ceremony. This is outrageous behaviour and in my opinion, this woman requires professional psychiatric treatment.

On the day of my now husband’s wedding to Ex1, she threatened to stab him and for the first year together, they slept in separate rooms. My husband had a complete nervous breakdown due to the effects of her extremely abusive behaviour, sustained over many years. Both of her children had to be referred to child psychiatric services because of her. Under these circumstances, it is absolutely inappropriate to have this woman as part of our family. Ex2 tried to get my husband to sleep with her on one of his visits to his son, even though she was in a relationship with her now husband. Sounds like something from a TV soap opera! If we were troublemakers, we could have informed her husband but we didn’t. My husband sent her packing and that was the end of it. I understand completely that for the stepkids' major life milestones, we will all be together and will behave ourselves but outside that, no contact. My husband’s exes are very against our marriage and have tried to break us apart. That is why we have imposed the boundaries necessary to protect our marriage.

Emotional abuse is just as severe as physical abuse but harder to prove. If a wife was being beaten by her husband, with continuous broken bones and a bruised face, where she finally got the courage to leave him and find happiness with a new husband, I do not believe that this abusive ex-husband should be invited to her family events, let alone photos of him on display in her parents house, just because he is a former member of the family/father of the grandchildren. Of course it would be great if everyone got along but with personality disordered, aggressive, hostile people, a different approach is required.

I have no issue at all with a direct response (I do that myself) but a ‘one size fits all’ mentality doesn’t work when dealing with toxic exes. If my husband’s exes changed, we would respond in kind but regrettably, so far this isn’t happening.

Heck, that wedding in three days time sounds great but complicated!! I’m still trying to figure it out! On a positive note, I’m delighted to say that I now get on great with my ex and his wife. They have two beautiful little girls that look very like my son, who in turn dotes on them. I am a photographer and when both girls were born, my ex and his wife asked me to do the photoshoot for them, which I gladly obliged. My husband had no problem with this at all, as my ex doesn't cause any hassle whatsoever. If our son gets married one day, I would have no problem with us all being together and for my son’s stepmother’s family to all be invited. Not my wedding, so I won’t have a say but great for our son that he won’t feel torn on the happiest day of his life. It’s good to focus on the positive, we can forget that sometimes!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/10/2016

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Actually, I do not use "ms" when addressing most people, if I have interacted with them for an extended period. However, when people seem me "rude and inconsiderate" for my no blinders direct approach, they obviously have not interacted with me, thus "ms" in a direct response. Plus, I try not to defer to "Mrs", as for some, that is not offensive.

My responses will probably never please everyone. They are blunt, and to the point. I will call out childish and vindictive statements. If that bothers people, I can't help that...except to say that the truth must hurt, or they wouldn't be making a mountain out of it.

In my opinion, it is ALWAYS preferable for adults to act as such. All of the stress and strife over what one's in-laws do or don't do in regards to relationships is stupid! The only thing the children in these situations learn is that it is OK to get pissy and throw fits when things aren't their way. See, my family figured this out decades ago, which is why we are all friends, supportive of each other, and interact well and frequently. Heck, in the next three days we are having my husband's brother's family join my side for a wedding reception for my adopted youngest step brother on my mom's side. (See what a mouthful that was?) My bio brothers will be there, my ex sis in law, her new hubs, my dad (my parents are 35 years divorced), his second wife, my step sibs from his third marriage...and we will be a happy family and have a great time. That, to me, is a perfect world.

I too am a biological parent, a second wife (but to my first and only hubs), a step mother, step sister, and step daughter 4 times over, as well as daughter in law, and ex almost daughter in law. So many different points of perception!

Kay - posted on 08/10/2016

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Um... this makes me livid. They (my mother in law and sister in law) are constantly liking her posts and MY sister in law calls her, "Sister". SO rude, because they don't treat me the same! WE have been married for over 7 years now, and they have been separated for 10, and never got married in the first place! My husband's ex is a manipulative, lying person. I am hurt by this behavior...

Mary - posted on 08/10/2016

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ Lively

I have noticed that when a user agrees with your opinion, 'Ms.' is generally not used as a prefix to their name. It would appear that it is predominantly reserved for those with whom you disagree with. This is a petty putdown. Saying that, however, another way of looking at it is I haven't been called 'Ms.' for quite some time. Nice, considering that I'm now a Mrs. and well into my 40s. Thanks for the compliment if I misunderstood you!

I have no issue with discussing diverse points of view. I am a bio-Mom, former 'first wife', step-Mom and now 'second' wife, so I am more than adequately positioned to see many contrasting perspectives. I would genuinely love to engage you on the issues that I brought up in my previous two posts, which noticably, you haven't referred to at all. I am not involved in 'a pity party' but absolutely will address a post that is derogatory in tone. It's called self respect, not pity.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/10/2016

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Oh my... Who is insecure?

I was brought up to use "ms. suchand such" when addressing someone. Get off your pity party

Mary - posted on 08/10/2016

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ Lively

I completely agree with you about everyone getting along but this is NOT what the majority of people experience. That’s great for you and all your former exes but in reality this rarely exists. Many (and I appreciate not all) ‘first wives’ use their children and the ex’s family to continue to control their former partner and can be quite hostile to the new wife. I met my husband many years after his divorce. The ex-partner threatened her children by saying that if they attended our wedding, that she would throw them out of her house and have nothing more to do with them. How awful. Do you really expect us to ignore this treatment and welcome her as part of the family and just be ‘great friends’? Absolutely not. What message would that send to the children? That we are doormats and will smile and say nothing when we are abused just because she is ‘the children’s mother’? I would understand if I was the cause of their relationship breakup ie. having an affair with her then husband but I did not. At the time of our wedding, the ‘children’ were in their 20s, so where was she going with this?

Quite simply put, many former partners have not let go emotionally and are still extremely jealous and angry that the ex has moved on. If allowed, this toxic situation would cause havoc in our marriage and could eventually cause us to separate. Where would that leave us and our children then? Another break-up would only cause more heartache and anguish for everyone involved. The greater the amount of previous baggage, the stronger the boundaries need to be. The marriage comes first.


In relation to your last post, to quote “As for Ms.Mary...I really could care less what your opinion of my response is. It is MY opinion on a subject posted on a public international forum. You have a choice. Read it, or don't. Kind of like changing the channel on the telly if you don't like what's showing...” The language used here is quite telling. “Ms. Mary” is a personal derogatory slight and displays an extremely juvenile attitude. I am well aware that this is a public forum and people are entitled to express their opinions but personal attacks are quite a different manner. You were the one who initially introduced words like ‘immature’, ‘vindictive’ and ‘antics’, not I. Yes, it is your opinion and you are entitled to it. Am I not entitled to respond with my view to your opinions, particularly when they are in response to my posts? If you can give it, you need to learn to take it also!

Another quote: “Oh, and MOST people, when being sarcastic in writing indicate that they are doing so, for example: by inserting (sarcasm) after their remarks.” This really does smack of a superior putdown and exhibits a continuation of personal attacks. I’m not interested in this but it does however demonstrate a high degree of insecurity. I have no problem with discussing different points of view but let us leave the patronising cheap shots aside, shall we??

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/09/2016

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I was thinking about this highly amusing topic today, and realized that, besides my mom being friends with my ex, etc...my entire family is friends with my brother's ex, AND her new, extended family!

This is why I find the whole damn thing laughable. My god. It is SO MUCH easier to be adults, interact in a polite and friendly manner! Better for everyone's health as well, both mental and physical.

As for Ms.Mary...I really could care less what your opinion of my response is. It is MY opinion on a subject posted on a public international forum. You have a choice. Read it, or don't. Kind of like changing the channel on the telly if you don't like what's showing...

Oh, and MOST people, when being sarcastic in writing indicate that they are doing so, for example: by inserting (sarcasm) after their remarks.

Mary - posted on 08/09/2016

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Dear ♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ Lively

What a disgraceful condescending diatribe is your response to my post regarding photos of ex partners being up on the in-laws wall. Have you read all my posts?? Obviously not. Do you appreciate or understand sarcasm? It would appear not. I would never do such a thing as it would be quite immature, however it does put under the spotlight the treatment many wives are being subjected to by their in-laws, as this is in essence what is being done to them. You correctly stated that such an action (ie. photos of ex-partners) is 'petty' and 'childish', which is precisely what is being done by parents-in-law to their daughters-in-law but you appear to sanction it when it is the in-laws who are the ones doing it. Out of curiosity though, why is it perfectly okay for the in-laws to have photos of your spouse's ex on their wall but not okay for you to have photos of their spouses' ex on yours??

I get on great with my mother-in-law and do not have this problem. There are no pictures of his ex in either his mother's or his brothers houses. I was reaching out to those who are experiencing this issue. Some background information. My husband's ex was extremely abusive to him. After years of psychological, emotional and verbal abuse, my husband eventually became suicidal. It took a lot of courage for him to leave but when he did, he was a broken man and it took many years of therapy and medication to help him recover. I absolutely would object if my mother-in-law had a photo of this woman on her wall. This would be completely unacceptable and I make no apologies for it. What message would it send to her son? That it is okay for her son to be seriously abused and his abuser to still be seen as a 'member of the family'!!! That is incredulous and in reality perpetrates the abuse.

For those who may not have had such a painful experience, a break up is still quite difficult and the son may not want constant reminders of a hurtful past, particularly from his own family. A different situation would be if the former daughter-in-law was a great person who tragically died. In this scenario, I would have no objections to her photo being on permanent display.

I see in your response to Debra, that you stated that "Mary usually suggests some sort of vindictive, childish act to "get back"...If you like that, go for it, but it doesn't help your maturity level." Usually means more than once. Please quote back to me my numerous, 'vindictive' pieces of advice. I do believe that this advice was a once off and I was joking.

I have stated when discussing these issues that we cannot control who others have as their friends, either in reality or on Facebook, however, I will not compromise on the fact that a spouse does come first, not previous partners. Some in-laws have photos of the exes on the wall but not the actual daughter-in-law or they are friends on Facebook with the ex and refuse the daughter-in-law requests. This is unfair and I believe this is what many wives/daughters-in-law are objecting to. It comes across that the ex is given more a place of prominence with the in-laws to the expense and detriment of the actual daughter-in-law. This is wrong.

Totally with you about Facebook though, causes far too much hassle.!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/18/2016

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Another thought...Y'all spend way to friggin much time on Facebook. Get real lives, and then your new inlaw's not friending you, or not unfriending them won't bother you at all.

LMAO

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/18/2016

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Wow...Mary Brown, while that may bring "instant" gratification, it is a very childish response. You REALLY would take it to a grade school level, rather than handling the situation as an adult, recognizing that NO ONE gets to choose ANYONE'S friends for them, and regardless of your status as the wife "now", there was a prior relationship that did not stop with one person.

My MIL is friends with a lot of the ladies that my husband used to date. SO WHAT!!! It's HER life, not mine, and I love her regardless. My MOTHER, for God's sake, is still good friends with MY ex. Again, not my life, not my choice, NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I don't get to choose that. Am I going to be so petty as to find pictures of my MIL with other men before her current husband? no...absolutely not...because I'm not 12 years old any more, and I have a more mature way to handle life.

What does your petty little action get you? ABSOLUTELY nothing. Nothing at all. If you do feel gratified by it, I'm actually sorry for you, because you haven't learned to handle adulthood very well at all.

Ev - posted on 04/08/2016

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I think that in this situation, you have to take a step back and really consider things. Those pictures were up in the house long before you got there. It is part of the children's family and you have no say what should be hung there. You do not have to like it but to me that shows insecurity. I have an example. My daughter graduated from high school several years ago. Her current step mother was then only in her life about 3 years. The church they went to was having a dinner and service in honor of the grads of their church. My daughter was asked to pick out some of her favorite pictures and give copies to be shown in a slide show. She picked out one of me, her dad, and her when she was a year old at her auntie's wedding(my sister). Her step mom was floored and furious. She acted like my daughter should not have used that picture but it was my daughter's choice. Also, my former mother inlaw has pictures up all over the house of the family mostly my ex and his current wife. I never say a thing. It does not bother me. I think instead of letting this get to you, just be the bigger person and ignore the picture. It is not meant to be rude or to make you look bad, it is something of family from the child's past that you were not part of as yet.

Mary - posted on 04/08/2016

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I know that there is nothing you can do regarding your mother-in-law having pictures of your husband's ex on her wall but I do find it extremely inappropriate.

However, there is no point in getting yourself upset. As they say, don't get mad, get even!!

If possible, go to your father-in-law's family and ask if they have any photos of him with a previous girlfriend, you know, the one he was with before he married your mother-in-law. Get it enlarged, framed and hang it up on your wall. Can't wait to see MIL's reaction to it!! If she objects, tell her that she can't act like her husband's previous relationship didn't exist and that she needs to acknowledge that this person was once a significant part of her husband's life!! That fact that they may be married 40-50 years is irrelevant. After all, this previous girlfriend was there before her, so therefore must come first. Tell her that she need not feel so insecure and consumed with jealousy. If she asks for it to be taken down, tell her no but that she is welcome to not visit if she is so offended by such 'trivial' matters. MIL needs to be the bigger person.

I've a funny feeling that this will go down like a lead balloon but hopefully will give your MIL some insight as to how she is treating you. Might be awkward though telling the kids why there is a photo of Grandpa with a former girlfriend!! ;)

Sunnyhatfield - posted on 04/05/2016

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No kids and my future mom - in - law is best friends with a woman he wasn't even married to for 2 years!

Susanr217 - posted on 04/02/2016

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Facebook has caused me so much grief....from my future In-laws being friends with my fiancées ex's (yes he has 2) , to him friending other women. Staying engaged forever, married never.

Lynn - posted on 03/28/2016

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I'm bothered by it a lot. Especially when I have some that won't accept my friend request and I realize it's because they are too busy being bff's with her. On the other hand, I have in-laws that are friends with me who couldn't even acknowledge my baby's birthday (their own nephew), but acknowledge the ex's. They even call her "sis". FB is causing a lot of aggravation because I see this stuff and I just find it appalling that they show more loyalty to someone who has caused their own sibling so many problems. I even had to say something to my husband one time because my mil still had a pic of him and his ex hanging on the wall. Like we want to look at that every time we visit. It finally was taken down...but really? Ugh...people!

Susanr217 - posted on 03/11/2016

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My future husbands family are friends with his ex wives. Yes he has 2 and I'm suppose to be no.3. But as it stands right now, the wedding is postponed until further notice. If he chooses not to have my back, which he doesnt, then there will not be a wedding.

These inlays not only are friends with them on Facebook, but at their great grand daughters birthday, they took a family photo with "the ex" and posted it on Facebook, so the public could see. Didn't even try to hide it. I'm thinking it was a definite dig at me. So now, his family is deleted and blocked. Am I wrong to do this?

Tiffany - posted on 02/17/2016

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This thread has really helped.
In my situation, my husband of now 4 years was never married but they do have a 15 year old daughter together. I have nothing negative to say about his ex, my step daughters Mom. We get along fairly well and have built a great co-parenting friendly relationship for the child involved. My problem lies with my SIL. my husband and I have a 2 year old son together. I am friends on Facebook with the ex. And the ex is friends on FB with my MIL and SIL too. My SIL has nothing to do with anything I post of my son, but only anything when I post of my stepdaughter. But will like and comment anything the ex posts, even when it has nothing to do with my stepdaughter. I can post big boy accomplishments, adorable photos and she overlooks anything that has to do with my kid. It's disheartening. as I really don't understand the reason. Recently, we were invited on a Facebook event to my SIL bday bash. Surprisingly, so was the ex, mind you, they only talk on Facebook. They have no other relationship outside of Facebook. While we do get along, that would be a bit too close for comfort. My husband called her out on it and we were told it was a "mistake." which i highly doubt. It's getting very old. and I hate that it bothers me, but it is my husbands family. If the ex and I can get along, you'd think any of us could!!

Emma - posted on 02/15/2016

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i feel you and in the same kinda boat too, you are lucky your MIL doesnt call you the ex name well i get that too and its freaking annoying ,matters worse I live with my MIL. Unfortunately there is nothing we can do about his, the ex's will always be in our lives as long as the kids are there, we need to learn to live with the consequences of our actions-marrying a man with kids- its hard but we gotta do it to be happy, atleast pretend to be happy
all the best

Raye - posted on 02/04/2016

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I saw something last night that seemed to fit this situation perfectly.... It said:

"I knew I matured when I realized that every situation doesn't need a reaction, sometimes you just gotta leave people to do the dumb shit they do."

Anna - posted on 02/03/2016

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I agree with you Raye - yes it is perfectly reasonable for the grandmother to be involved in the lives of her grandchildren....but that is not my issue, it's their mother. And yes you're right about not letting it bother me. It's something beyond my control.

Raye - posted on 02/03/2016

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Anna, you can't control what they do, so you shouldn't let it bother you. If there are kids involved, then it's perfectly reasonable that the kids' grandmother would want to still be involved. Just go about your own life, and don't waste your energy on them. If it hasn't been disproven that he's the father, then he should be helping support the kids, no matter what the opinion is of the mother.

Anna - posted on 02/03/2016

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I'm so glad I found this post. I was starting to think it was just me overreacting! I have been with my husband for 14 years. It bothers me that his mother is friends with his ex. She has done some horrible things to my husband. My husband was involved, but never married to this women, in his late teens over 20 years ago. This relationship produced 2 alleged children (but there was actually 3 that he paid child support for). I say "alleged" because she was known for "getting around." She knowingly said my husband was the father of one of her children even though he was incarcerated when the child was conceived. My husband petitioned the court for paternity testing but was denied (that's a whole other story). To make a long story short, the baby momma has barely worked a day in her life, is a thief, a liar, a cheater, lives off the system, and has 8 kids from 6 different guys! My husband was the only one of her baby daddies that paid child support. So why would my mother-in-law choose to be friends with someone like this and who has done her son so wrong? My mother-in-law will also go out of her way for these "alleged" grandchildren but not for her grandchild that is mine and my husband's. My husband also does not like it that she is Facebook friends with his ex and has called her on it and she gave him a lame excuse but still keeps her as a friend. I feel that is very disrespectful to her son.

Raye - posted on 02/02/2016

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What they do is none of your concern. You are actually giving them power to affect your mood. Why do that to yourself? They don't deserve the energy for you to get upset over such things. You just worry about things that are in your control, like your own household, and leave them be.

Keta, why would you have remarried your husband a second time if he was engaged to marry someone else? And now you want to divorce him again? Your situation is messed up, and I feel sorry for your kid getting caught in the middle because neither of you seem able to commit to someone. He broke up with her, but his family doesn't have to. And if you can't get over the fact that someone in his family still enjoys her company, then that's a flaw in your character. It shouldn't bother you because it's not a competition. And your husband doesn't have to "defend you" to his family, because (from what you've shared) there's nothing they are doing wrong.

Amanda Leigh - posted on 01/30/2016

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Hey ladies! Really glad to see that I'm not overreacting! But honestly a lot of your testimonials scare me. I've read that quite a few of you actually went as far as to get divorced. It's very sad that you and your relationships were pushed to that.

As for my story, while they don't sing praises over the ex they never turn down an opportunity to help her. A little back story- my husband and his ex had been together since they were teenagers, they had a son (now 7) and they were off and on for 5 years and she cheated on and dumped my husband numerous times. My in-laws don't respect or like her, but her and her life choices are the topic of conversation more than I am comfortable with. After all, negative attention is still attention. The ex lives across the street from my in laws and does not have a vehicle or a license so my MIL drives the ex and my step-son to the bus stop every morning. I can understand driving the son to the bus stop, but why does she need to go too? Over Christmas break my MIL agreed to drive the son to meet with his great aunt for a vacation through New Years. the ex asked my MIL if she could ride along too and my MIL agreed. My MIL also just this past week got looped into driving her to parent-teacher conferences. While I understand that my MIL wants to be a part in her grandsons life and a positive influence on the ex I still feel disrespected and almost like cheated on when I find these things out. It's frustrating because the ex wants to be involved so badly and my in laws don't have the courage to draw the line and say "no" to her out of fear of losing time with their grandson.


Best of luck to everyone!

Luvmykk_ryry - posted on 01/29/2016

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I'm glad that I'm not the only one with this problem.
Oh my GOSH I can't stand it. Granted my husbands ex is his sister's bff but come on, do they have to talk about her at the dinner table.....
I haven't been over for dinner ever since.

Dvsparky15 - posted on 01/08/2016

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I'm having the same issue and hate it no one understands or cares how I feel ....they are letting them linger around and I feel it will lead them to cause problems thinking they are "cool" with the family ....not cool at all

Cristinamartin007 - posted on 01/02/2016

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Wow! I am so pleased to know I'm not the only one:) This issue has been so tough for my husband and I. I am a second wife, his first wife he divorced 11 years ago and he cheated on her with the ex girlfriend. This is the woman that my in laws have all maintained a relationship with. Jake and I dated for 7 years, broke up for a year and then realized we didn't wanna live another day apart and got married (rather quickly after we got back together). In the the year we spent apart he hooked up again with the ex girlfriend- who was in a relationship at the time. Two time offender for being a cheater in my eyes!! After Jake and I got married we soon were able to get pregnant and are expecting our first child together. That's the good news. The bad news is that his family won't let go of the ex girlfriend. I don't feel comfortable with that knowing how willing she is to cheat with a married man. I trust my husband so my insecurities are more focused on his family keeping her around instead of workings on building a strong relationship with their new daughter in law and soon to be grandchild. They post pictures wth comments such as 'I love you' 'you're my sister' and like every single picture she post. She also likes every single picture they post so I'm constantly seeing her photo pop up and it's annoying and hurtful all at the same time. My husband tried to talk to them about it but their response was 'they don't want to be told what to do' and 'she should just not look or block her of it bothers her that much'. Not once have they acknowledged that it hurts my feelings. With my family, we are very tight and loyal to one another. They have welcomed Jake in and made him a part of our family. It makes me so happy to see that relationship growing but it also makes me sad knowing that I may never have that relationship with his family. I would love any advice on how to address the problem in a non aggressive way. My gut tells me they will never take her out of their lives so maybe some advice on how to deal with the situation, as is, while still keeping my pride.
Thank you!
❤️Tina

Keta - posted on 12/23/2015

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I want to file for a divorce over this because I feel like my husband is not defending me. His mom is fb friends with his ex and they are hanging tuff they are making plans to go shopping and dinner. This is my 2nd time marrying my husband and the girl his mom is friends with was the girl he rebounded with and was going to marry. She is 12 years older than my husband and he left her and remarried me the day before he was going to marry her. We have a 5 year old together they have no kids. I don't see why is his mom hanging with this lady. Why is she so messy. She was at our wedding and very supportive I can't see why she would risk our relationship for her

Blair - posted on 12/20/2015

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Sarah, yeah. He told me to get over it, completely shutting it down. And he does parent the child. I get they are close, but she is all over her facebook, and I mean has her as her cover photo pic and everything. I'm not even my MIL friend on Facebook. We've been married for awhile too... so, I just dont see the point in trying anymore.

Sarah - posted on 12/20/2015

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Blair, is this something that you and your husband have discussed? Does he parent this child, your step-son? If grandma and the mother happen to work to together and have this child in common, then I am not surprised they get along. How long have you been married? It can take time to cultivate a relationship with your family. If your MIL bought the mother of her grandchild a gift, I'd think she'd get you a gift too. it seems extreme to leave your husband becasue his mother is too chummy with the mother of her grandson.

Blair - posted on 12/20/2015

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My husband and I got married when I was 5 months pregnant. He had a kid when he was 16 with some girl, and the mom is completely in love with her. The son is 5 years old now and the mom still talks to the ex all the time, works with her, and has her all over her facebook. Im not even friends with any of his family on facebook. Oh and under their christmas tree is a present for the ex, and none for me, not like I really want one..but its the fact of the matter. I'm filing for divorce tomorrow because I can't handle it anymore... I know that is a little extreme but why try fitting in when I'm never going to be anything close to what the ex girlfriend is, even though im his actual wife.

Becky - posted on 11/30/2015

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Gizelle,
Thank you for your comment! I'm sorry that your having to deal with this. I'm sorry that a lot of us are. Sounds like you have it worse than me though. I agree with a lot of what I've read on here, its the husbands place to say something. However, for me, I don't want to put that burden on my husband. Men think differently than women and don't take to heart things us women do. I did, however, share with him my feelings and he was so sad and upset for me. He even told me to delete all of them from FB but I will not. Those are his family members. I do, however choose NOT to be a part of those family members that treat me as second best (or that 's how I feel and it seems) Maybe I've got it all wrong but I don't think so just from knowing some of them. And its not all of his family, really only one little clan. But they have no idea what goes on or what a good father he is to his kids...all they see is "poor pity woe me that the ex post from time to time on FB"...ha

I love his kids and they love me....thats all I really care about. I say to Hell with the rest of them...lol..I just know if the shoe was on the other foot, I'm highly doubting they would like it but most people don't see their own faults.

No one will ever make me believe that its ok even if they claim its for the sake of hurting feelings, but what about OUR feelings?!?!?! They are divorced for a reason...so let them be I say!!!

Good luck to you and I hope you can find a way to deal with it but I'm like you, I'm not sure I could for very long..luckily, as I stated earlier, it sounds like you have it much worse than me. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers!!!

Gizelle - posted on 11/30/2015

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Becky,
I so feel your pain. I believe it is hurtful & disrespectful. Reading your post drove me to being a member on here and posting my own situation. The ex wife is part of my husband's FB Family Group and I am not. Not only did the niece in law ask me to remove myself but then came back a month later and asked me to rejoin it after she told me nobody in my husband's family likes me! I declined. Then I get to read this morning how my husband's sisters are looking forward to getting together with the ex wife during Christmas break to play games. My husband has had previous girlfriends and they were liked by the family at 1st but then the family turned on them too. None of the previous girlfriends are friends with my husbands family at all. Yet the ex wife seems to monopolize my husbands family-wth!?
Sincerely,
Confused and Hurt

Gizelle - posted on 11/30/2015

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Wow- I am so happy to find this article. The end of August I recently deleted a niece in law and my husband's daughter on FB. What happened is I had a conversation with husband's daughter or should I say she had it with me. (Married 6 years) She is 21 years old. In this conversation she asked me what the reason was her father had told me that he was divorced from her mother. I hesitated the 1st time and said nothing. She than asked me again so I told her....Well yer dad has said many different things that yer mom was emotionally unstable and he also said that she cheated on him. I don't know the truth of any of this as I told her but it shouldn't matter since it was 15 years ago! My husband's ex has been married to another man for 13 years. So I told my husband about this conversation and I also told him that his ex wife will be calling him on Monday while he is at work cause she never calls him in my presence. It happened his ex wife called him to profess her innocence of never cheating on him. So towards the end of August my husbands daughter tells niece in law that I told her that her mom cheated on her dad and that is why they are divorced. Niece in law blew up at me at a bar outside, ranting about her boyfriend hasn't liked me since day one. She also said that nobody in my husband's family likes me. Then the name calling started. I went home and deleted the daughter, deleted the niece in law from facebook. I wrote each of them a message saying that they do not have me or my husband's best interests at heart which is the reason for me deleting them. I also deleted myself from my husband's family FB group. So who remains in the my husbands families FB group...the ex wife and my husbands family...as our annual family gathering come up in Oct that I host and started 6 years ago I get a message from niece in law asking me to rejoin the family FB Group...I politely declined. Her reason for asking me to rejoin the group....because I am the go to person in our home and she needs details. She also told me I deleted myself from the group out of anger ...to be honest I don't know how 've made it this long with this family....just this morning I see on FB where my husbands sister's are chatting with my husbands ex about getting together during Christmas season to play games and "laugh till they cry together"...Hurtful, disrespectful, and down right rude...yes...I'm tired of it and frankly I don't know that I am strong enough to do this anymore....any thoughts would be great!?

Becky - posted on 11/29/2015

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I'm thankful I found this website. This has been troubling me for the past 3 yrs now more so just recently. Most of my husband's family are fb friends with his ex. The story I get from his immediate family, (mother, sister, etc ) is they are friends so they can keep up with the kids, however, both children (13 & 18) are on FB and other social media sites and have phones to text so I see no need to be friends with the ex on FB. In fact, I'm told repeatedly what a drama queen the ex was and still is. The In-laws seem to like more of the ex post than ours (we have a joint FB acct). It is very disturbing and hurtful at times and I feel its disrespectful.

I will say, that I don't think its the ex that's so much the problem but more the in-laws. In fact, the ex friended me on FB before we had joint accts which was awkward but she assured me that the girls really liked me and that she's happy they have me! I have since unfriended her due to some drama or so I felt, even told her why I unfriended her.

Long story short, its just plain weird. I was married for 20 yrs before this one. My parents treated my ex like this for the first 1-2 years. Frankly, I thought it was odd but I wasn't upset about it. I understood for a while. They still speak when they see other and I would expect nothing less but thankfully, they don't put my ex' new wife in this situation.

I don't want to say much because by all means its not jealousy of the ex that I'm dealing with and I'm sure that's how it would come out but I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. As far as I know, his family love me to death. It's just WEIRD!!!

Thanks for sharing all the stories. It has helped and its good to know that I'm not alone in this!!

Kelli - posted on 06/02/2015

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My partner's ex-wife cheated on him and left him for another man in 2011. Their divorce was final last year. It's a small town where everyone knows everyone ELSE'S business, which makes things that much worse. My issue with her is that she remains Facebook friends with many members of my partner's family, and even still gets her hair cut regularly by his niece (who affectionately calls her "Aunt X" on Facebook).

It seems as though some of my partner's family members take pains not to hurt the ex-wife's feelings, they seem more loyal to HER than to my partner who she cheated on and divorced!

The ex-wife remains Facebook friends with the niece, and responds to EVERY SINGLE POST the niece makes. So there's no way for me to interact with the niece on Facebook (she recently accepted my friend request) without it being seen by the ex-wife.

The one and only response I made to a post by the niece got deleted by the niece almost immediately. She admitted to my partner she did so because she didn't want to hurt his ex-wife's feelings. My partner had a talk with his ex and asked her to respect the boundaries that he respects, and not alienate his family against his new life mate. He does not friend HER family members on Facebook, or have them cut his hair, etc.

The ex-wife continues to interact with the niece on Facebook, so I (after discussing with my partner) quietly unfriended the niece. When my partner next sees her at HIS next haircut appointment, he will explain why.

I share the frustrations with all of you regarding the "second wife syndrome," and exes who want to hang on to former inlaws.

Sha - posted on 05/25/2015

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If they are, it is what it is, u cannot implement your personal feelings into it because Inlaws will always be Inlaws, ppl love gossip & knowing what's happening with the ex, some just like stirring the pot to wind you up & then there are the very tiny few who innocently don't see or have a problem with it. If you're really bothered, delete your page, make up a new one with just your family or unfriend those who are friends with your ex - very simple. If Inlaws hit you up about it, don't explain or justify yourself, just say ... It is what it is!!

Floria - posted on 05/25/2015

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My ex-mother-in-law and I are still friends, however we have one golden rule: We do NOT talk about the ex-husband/son nor his wife/her daughter-in-law. It is a matter of setting boundaries. We became friends before we became in-laws and it would be a shame (and unfair) to end our friendship just because her son and I could not work things out. Since she lives 400 miles away we don't get to see each other and even if I was invited I WOULD NOT go to family functions (it isn't my place). We are friends on Facebook and chat online here and there. I am the mother of her only grandchildren as well. If I had a problem (and have in the past) with my ex-husband's wife (he is on his 4th) I would make an effort to work something out. But giving up my friendship with his mom wouldn't be an option. Like I said, it is a matter of boundaries, and being an adult about it as well.

Mary - posted on 05/25/2015

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I agree Gina, there is no need for your mother-in-law to be friends with the ex, either on Facebook or in any other way.

Thankfully, my mother-in-law is good on this score but it's my brother-in-law and his wife that cause all the trouble. They keep inviting my husband's ex to family events without even asking my husband how he feels.

As a bio-Mom and step-Mom, I fully believe that the only contact between exes should be about the children's welfare only. The parent/child relationship never ends but the parent/parent relationship is over, not just physically but emotionally and psychologically too.

Also, when a couple exhange vows, they promise to be faithful to each other by 'forsaking all others' and that definitely means the ex. The marriage comes first, not the exes. Hugs everyone!!

Gmhenderson2013 - posted on 05/23/2015

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My mother in law is friends with her ex daughter in law on fb too...and i dont see any reason for it. My husband has 2 boys with het. They are both adults so i cannot see any need to communicate with her unless there is an emergency or a major life change. Both the ex wife and my in laws think and act as if she is still a part of their family. Just because she is their grandsons' mother doesnt mean everyone should act as if there was never a divorce. The children involved are too old for her to be the center of attention. Also, it puts the new wife (that would be me :) ) in a place where she cannot develop a healthy positive relationship with her husband's family. Any advice as to how to resolve this problem with my in-laws?

Mary - posted on 05/03/2015

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I agree totally on the need for clear boundaries. Women seem to be a lot better at it than men. I never got the hassle from my ex-husband that my husband received from his ex and her family. The main reason being that my husband rarely enforced boundaries with his ex. Thankfully, this isn't the situation anymore.

Many people seem to believe that after a divorce, things go along as normal, as if nothing has changed. Everything has changed! In-laws cannot act as though the ex is still part of the family. It might be acceptable in some situations where everyone is respectful but this isn't usually the case. My husband's ex-wife believed the only difference after divorce was that they weren't sleeping together anymore but that she still had complete access to him in everything else. She called him up whenever she felt like it over things that were nothing to do with the children. In separations, there needs to be an emotional divorce also. While the parent/child relationship never ends, the parent/parent relationship is over and everything that goes with it too.

'Second' wives, we are not second! We do not come second, whether that is in the eyes of the ex, their family or even our new in-laws. Our husbands are our husbands and no one elses! Respect yourself, even if no one else does.

Mary - posted on 05/03/2015

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You are entitled to be bothered by it (as we are all entitled to our feelings) but do any of us have the right to dictate who others have as friends on Facebook? My brother-in-law and his wife are friends with my husband's ex on Facebook. While it irritates my husband and I, we stay out of it. At the end of the day, it is their decision.

However, we do not approve as my husband's ex (and her family) has caused a lot of grief. For example, when we got married, the ex and her family threatened to disown my stepchildren if they attended their own father's wedding!!

If the in-laws invite the ex to family gatherings, we simply don't attend. I'm delighted to say that my mother-in-law is very supportive of us and keeps the ex at a distance. Blended families and divorce can be difficult for everyone involved. My mother-in-law found it difficult as prior to her son's divorce, she got along quite well with the other grandmother. She was very hurt by what her ex-daughter-in-law and her family did and said about her own son but also felt that she had to retain cordial relationships for her grandchildren's sake. Now that the grandchildren are adults, things are easier and my mother-in-law keeps her distance.

I absolutely agree with your feelings though and I'm delighted to say that thankfully neither my husband or I are 'friends' with our exes on Facebook. I think that it is entirely inappropriate and disrespectful to your new spouse/partner to do so. Your new spouse/partner comes first!!

Ashbash884 - posted on 02/21/2015

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I'm so glad I'm not alone in feeling this way. What I dont understand is my husbands ex cheated on him numerous times when they were together but now that he's remarried to me (and just had a baby) she cannot let it go. They have no children together and were only married for a short time but for some reason she has to act like she's still apart of this family on social media and the worst part is my brother in law likes her posts and will not delete her even though my husband has expressed his frustration towards this matter. Any normal woman would be bothered by this, you're not alone ladies.

Nicky - posted on 01/23/2015

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My MIL won't even accept a friend request from me BUT is friends with ex wife. She likes to tag ex wife and my husband in pictures and events. The ex and my husband share 3 kids (whom I love regardless of what the mil & ex try to do to interrupt our relationship) and mil does anything and everything for those 3 kids. My husband and I also have a daughter together and to make a long story short let's just say in laws didn't even get our daughter anything for Christmas this year. I also have 2 children from a previous marriage whom they want nothing to do with. I'm pretty sure she hates me!... and my husband doesn't understand why it bothers me so much and thinks I should just let "it/everything" go. Honestly I don't understand sometimes why I get so very hurt by her actions or how she treats me and why on earth this Facebook crap bothers me so bad either.

Diane - posted on 01/07/2015

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I cannot believe so many others have exactly the same problem as me. When I met my soul mate, he was in the final stages of his divorce, after 7 years and 2 children with his ex. She had a bf of 2 years, yet when I appeared on the scene, she tried every kind of spiteful thing you can imagine. I could not understand anyone behaving like this, all we had done was to want to spend our lives together,and I was nothing to do with their divorce. When I met the inlaws to be, they did not have a good word to say about her, or her them. My other half said she never liked his family, as she thought they were beneath her. When we announced our enagement the bs really hit the fan. She tried to cause trouble between me and her children, between her children and my child from prev marriage, and between me and his family. We got married abroad , because we knew what would happen if we got married at home. She then befriended his mother, and sisters. So much so that she is invited to events by my mother in law, and one of my sister's in law (the one who used to bad mouth her the most). We have made it clear we do not want to socialise with her, but that does not make any difference. His sister even has "family" events, and invites her and not us, so now all new in laws that come into the family know her aswell. Last Christmas his sister had a "get together" at her house, and we got invited along with the ex. Never the less, we did not attend, and received a rude text from his sister. I feel that as we have been together 24 years, and married for 23 years, it is about time she gave up, but this is not going to happen. I still really winds us up even after all these years, and I cannot ever see it stopping. She has had several relationships during this time , and they all dump her, I wonder why !!

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