Once a cheater always a cheater????

Jillian - posted on 07/24/2009 ( 27 moms have responded )

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I am a mother of 12 children. 3 of which are with my current fiance (including 1 month old twin). I recently discovered that he has cheated on me. I don't know if it was a one time thing or if it's an ongoing relationship with another woman. I am at a loss for what to do. Do i kick him out or try to make things work??

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Jodi - posted on 08/13/2009

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I believe that a person's ability to cheat on their partner is linked with their basic moral values. These are ingrained in us from childhood in one way or another. So in some way, a cheater is morally flawed. I don't care if the marriage is bad, they are not getting sex, whatever. Either sort it out or get out before you start playing the field. Even when my marriage to my ex was at its absolute worst, it would never have occurred to me to cheat on him. And he was a prick.

Cassandra - posted on 07/24/2012

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No, it's not true. Some people learn from their mistakes and don't make them again.

Rachel - posted on 02/02/2012

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Some people believe the saying and some don't. I found out in November that my husband slept with my best friend (whom he worked with and rode to work with every day). We were having a lot of money issues and we had family living with us that we were supporting financially. It took a toll on us. I believed we were fine but she was talking to him about his problems and had him convinced that I was to blame. They ended sleeping together once after she left her husband. He never told me about the infidelity. She sent text messages to my other best friend telling her all about it. My friend told me what was going on. I packed up my kids and left. I made an appt with a divorce lawyer the next day and filed for child support. That night he came to where I was staying and begged for me to come home. He said he realized that he really messed up and he realized what he was lost when I left. I told him that I didn't want to come home if he wanted me back just for our kids. That we would both be miserable if we remained together for that kids. I ended up moving back home. We talked for two days about everything and we are now working on our deeper issues. We talk every day about anything that is bothering us. He texts me constantly while he is at work and texts me as soon as he leaves so I can see how long it takes him to get home. He refuses to go out with his friends. If he goes anywhere it is with me or our kids. I love him and wanted to work things out. I am trying really hard to trust him again. He is also working hard on the trust issue. I also told him that this was his one and only second chance and if he screws up again that I am gone and will file for divorce. I know this is winded but I hope my situation helps you. Not everyone's situation is the same. A wise man told me to follow my heart but follow it cautiously.

[deleted account]

i don't believe in that saying... my fiancee has cheated on me more than once (yeah i know im stupid for staying with him) and it hurt a lot... but then one day he realized what he was doing and that he didn't want to lose me and realized how good i was for him and he changed. he hasn't even talked to another girl besides close friends of ours and family... i do believe that people can change and if he was the one who told you i think that you need to find out why he told you, whether it was because he felt bad and he thought you deserved to know or if he told you because he wanted to piss you off or whatever... like i said, i believe people can change but you have to feel it in your heart that you think he can change and if you love him enough to want to work through it... i know that if i kicked him to the curb the first time he cheated on me or even the alst time he cheated on me, i wouldnt be engaged to the love of my life and taking care of and adopting his little girl... it was hard to work through (he had a past of cheating and i knew about it but i thought i could be the one he ended up with and changed for and i was right lol) but we worked through it together and had some trust issues but he proved to me that he could be a better person and our relationship is pretty damn good if you ask me lol good luck hun... i really hope things work out for you and if you ever need anyone to talk to, PM me and we can talk... just follow your heart and your gut

Heidi - posted on 07/25/2009

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Well i will tell you from experience that Yes Once a Cheater always a Cheater. My Oldest son has a father exactly like that. I was with him and the whole time(I found out Later) he was cheating on me with at least 3 women. Now my ex is married to one of the ones he cheated on me with and he is cheating on her as well. So Yup once they cheat once they will do it again and again, unless you are one of the really lucky ones, but I know I would never ever trust a man like that again, and if I was with a man that cheated I would kick him out the door. I don't need that in my life. I can and have done way better. I amwith the love of my life now and couldn't be happier. I let my ex be someone elses problem not mine, but he was also abusive. So I got out when my son was 8 months old and he is now 10.

I wish you all the luck and hope for you sake and the kids sake things work out for the best!

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Julie - posted on 07/24/2012

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Does it really matter if it's ongoing? He cheated. He's a cheater. He will cheat again. The fact that he doesn't have enough respect for you to provide a proper home for his 3 children indicates that he never intended to be faithful. get rid of him and don't date again until your kids are grown and out of the house. Twelve kids from different fathers is way too much chaos. You kids deserve more stability than that.

Tracy - posted on 07/24/2012

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I've been in relationships with cheaters before. I would say that NO, not always a cheater. However, once a cheater then most often a cheater. Sometimes things just happen for whatever circumstances. Maybe a marriage is troubled and neither party really sees it until after an affair, etc... I think WITH A LOT LOT LOT OF WORK a relationship can be saved (and even stronger) after an affair. Also, you have to look at the personality of the "guilty" party. I trust my husband with everything I have. *****IF***** I ever found out there was an affair, I can tell you that it would be because of deficits in our own relationship (whether consciously recognized or not) and that if we addressed those, he could be trusted again. I also know that if there ever was another woman, it wouldn't be a bar pickup or anything like that. It would be because he found a connection with another woman that he couldn't find with me. If we address those issues, he and I can make it. However, my son's father was a cheater at heart. He isn't capable of building a real relationship with anyone. My son is now 15 and his bio dad still can't maintain a relationship and has kids all over the place that he doesn't involve himself in.

I suppose you have to speak with your husband and then YOU assess things like: do you think he wants to build something again with you? Can YOU work past forgiving him? Is he willing to do things to rebuild your trust? Are there other ramifications that haven't been discovered yet? (other children, STDs, relationships he can't break from - such as a co-worker)

Overall, you might hear a TON of "kick him to the curb" and "once a cheater - always a cheater". That's the mentality our society has. However, relationships are NEVER black and white or simple. They are complex, messy, and sometimes even crazy. Allow the room in your mind that this whole affair just MIGHT be part of that crazy complexity that life offers to us. And realize that sometimes healing is just as complex and crazy but IT'S STILL POSSIBLE. I wish you the best.

Chaya - posted on 07/24/2012

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Do not let abusive people back, even a spouse. If they'll do it once, they'll do it again, and your children wil become victims as well because they grow up thinking this is appropriate. The risk of social services getting involved increase exponentially, and you could loose custody of your children. I know in Oregon, social services removes the children at the accusation, not the evidence.

Chaya - posted on 07/23/2012

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It was in my case, if it has been in the past with other partners, then he is probably too.
Not so much about cheating, but with pretty much anything. Past behaviours are a good indication of future behaviours. If you tend to pick loosers, you'll get loosers.
The real question isn't what I would do, but what you should do, I'm not the one to ask, you need to ask yourself

Allison - posted on 07/17/2012

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I don't think the people above should even comment unless you have been there. Saying he would 'be out the door" or whatever, the advice is kind of worthless until you have been through it. My husband cheated on me when we were dating and I lost interest and started seeing other people. The we ran into each other, and I was so hurt still.. anyway he told me that he was so afraid of commitment he kind of was running away. We moved in together, and then we got married five years ago and I was always skeptical to be truthful, I watched him like a hawk. We have two children and he is the best father and husband I could have asked for. And I am not easy to please! He has never made that mistake again and always acted trustworthy (his friends never have) and we hide nothing from each other. His phone is always out in the open, email, we have nothing to hide. If someone does the right thing after the wrong thing you are compelled to listen. But he has to want to come clean and do the right things. Good luck.

Michelle - posted on 07/17/2012

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They have destoyed their vow to you of marriage its done. Marriage is not suppose to be about you and him and who else he is sleeping with. You will survive and he can pay huge child support with 12 kids.

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

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kick him straight out the door a you said 1ce a cheater always a cheater
good luck and hold your head up high

Stephanie - posted on 07/12/2012

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kick him straight out the door a you said 1ce a cheater always a cheater
good luck and hold your head up high

Christy - posted on 05/08/2012

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I feel like problems or not in your life a partner should never stray! If they love you and are worth your time! they would have never thought of it! let alone do it! When childeren are involved it gets hard but you have to think of how he makes you feel now that he has cheated! I am in the same shoes and I took the guy back but to be honest our relationship has never been the same.. and I just picture him with someone else all time it like a nightmear that won't go away! so My feeling for him are not as stong as they once where and I don't trust him now at all!!!
So I guess you have to ask if you can get over those things do you trust him now?
hope that helps!

Jen - posted on 02/28/2012

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No because in reality MOST people will stray in their life once or twice. You have to also look at the underlying factors on why he did it. Are you having issues? Is there a lot of stress going on? Is there no sex life? To be honest he doesn't sound worth your time though with the added abusive nature. I think you need to cut your losses and run.

Emma - posted on 05/07/2010

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Before i got married we had the deal breaker conversation.
My deal breakers are Cheating and Abuse if ether of those things happen just once its over. anything else we can work out,
Im a firm believer in people treat you the way you let them treat you, that's why those two thing will only ever happen once and im gone i i where to let them back that would be a green light that i was a doormat and im no ones doormat

Jocelyn - posted on 02/20/2010

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I use to be a cheater when I was younger, but not anymore. So in my case, ppl can change. But I had a boyfriend who was a cheater (we were the perfect match LOL) and I believe that for him, yes; once a cheater, always a cheater. The first time we hooked up he was cheating with me on a friend, and then I cheated on him a couple times, and then he cheated to get back at me, then we split up and he got another girlfriend, then cheated on her with me... this went on for a year! I don't think he will ever change.
For your situation I would find out what the circumstances surrounding the incident were. For example, if my hubby cheated on me, but he was piss-faced drunk and it was with a stripper at a party, and it was only the one time, I believe that that could be worked through (it would be hard, but I would do it for our family; you don't just throw away a marriage). Now if it was a recurring thing, with multiple women, or even one woman multiple times, then his ass would be out the door.
I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out :) *hugs*

Mindi - posted on 02/18/2010

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yes i believe once a cheater always a cheater. he didn't respect your relationship enough to keep it in his pants. you should leave him. especially since he's abusive. you don't want your children around a man like that. my mom was with men like that and it can make your children think that's what they deserve. you and your children deserve better than him. i'm sorry you are going through this but be strong for you and your children.

[deleted account]

First of all, I'm very, very sorry this happened to you. It's an awful situation, and I've been on both sides of it. I disagree with the idea of "once a cheater, always a cheater." I cheated on my husband several years ago, before we were married, after we'd just started dating. It devastated us both. It took a long time to repair our relationship, but we were both willing to work at it-he was willing to try to trust again and I was willing to do whatever I needed to earn that trust again. I've never cheated on him since, and we're now married with a beautiful son. This really depends on both of you, and on the level of cheating involved. A relationship, where it happened several times, is more scary to me than a one time thing. It also means something if he told you instead of just assuming you'd never know and letting you find out some other way. Bottom line is that you have to decide if you want to work at this-to try and forgive him if you can, and to learn to trust him-and he has to decide if he's willing to do whatever it takes to help you trust him again. Counseling would be a great idea if you do want to stay together.

Melissa - posted on 08/18/2009

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I dunno when I was younger I was a cheater myself now grown up a lot I know it is not appropriate people get hurt it is selfish and I now have a conscience I believe some people can evolve, use your senses I think and in all cases, trust yourself.



You need trust patience and understanding in any relationship with out those, you can ttry all you may but will not get anywhere especially trust!

Krista - posted on 08/15/2009

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Oh man....this is a no brainer for me. If my husband EVER cheated on me, that would be it. There would be absolutely NO going back for me. That's the BIGGEST deal breaker in all of history for me. And if he cheated once, he's going to do it again. Sorry, but that's the sad truth of it. And honestly, do you want to live your life wondering about STD's and illegitimate children?

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

[deleted account]

I just wanted to say that I don't think the saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" is true. I think it depends on the circumstance....like whether it's a one time thing or something that is on-going and happening again and again. There is a way to get to the root of the problem, but sometimes the outcome is not always what you expect or hope for. I cheated on my ex-husband and he forgave me. No, that's not the reason he is my ex husband. Come to find out after having some good, deep talks towards the end....we both figured out we were better as friends. My cheating on him had nothing to do with him...it was me and how I FELT about him (which was more like a brother than a husband). I've never cheated on any other boyfriends before my ex and I've been with my new husband for over 6 years and haven't cheated. So I don't think it so much has to do with a person's values and morals or what "kind of person" they are. It's not something ingrained in us....it's a way some people react when they either can't or won't look deeper and find out what's really going on. Speaking for myself as someone who cheated, I am a good person, I have good morals and values and being a cheater once in my life does not have anything to do with who I am as a person.



I don't know what to tell you to do except that you have to follow your heart and do what is best for your children and for you. You mentioned abuse earlier and I think that he may need to remain away from you until he gets his temper under control. He may also want to consider talking to someone about why he cheated. Have you two considered couples therapy? It didn't help my ex and I much but I know others it has worked wonders for. Having a non-biased third party to vent to helps so much sometimes. Whatever decision you make, I wish you the best of luck.

Deanne - posted on 08/12/2009

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You need to speak to him & get the truth out of him. If you can't do that or feel he's lying I'd doubt you'd be able to trust him ever again & that is the worst thing for kids to grow up with, parent's that don't trust each other.
You'll know in your heart what to do. You can always have a good friendship with him for the kids sakes & then you wouldn't have to worry about his secret sex life.
There are guys out there that wont cheat on you & will respect you.

Angie - posted on 08/12/2009

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In some cases I would have to agree. My dad cheated on my mom and married his mistress...has he cheated on her, I don't believe so...because I'm pretty sure he has learned his lesson. Us kids has also threatened him...so maybe he is just scared of us. :)

Lydia - posted on 08/11/2009

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Some people yes - some people no. Mistakes happen - I always judged harshly til I did it myself and I felt so hideously guilty and ashamed it doesnt bear describing!



If you cant trust that it was a one off thing then he may very well be the always a cheater guy. Dont do anything that you can see yourself regretting later. If you dont trust him dont take him back.

Jillian - posted on 07/25/2009

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Thanks Heidi. I have kicked him out, but I am struggling with whether or not to let him come back. He too has been somewhat abusive, but has gotten better thanks to anger management classes. I dealt with this same thing with my ex husband and it's just so much to handle especially when i have the baby blues.

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