Sibling Love/Hate --Help! Circle of Moms Community Group

Michelle - posted on 08/30/2012

My 8 yr old son is so mean to my 6 yr old daughter. I've talked to him about it repeatedly & tried different punishments but he doesn't stop. She is such a sweet loving girl & it just breaks my heart that he's so mean to her. I don't know what else to do about it, but its got to stop for her sake. They should be best friends, and I'm sad that they both are missing out on that. Bless her heart, she never stops trying.

Lynne - posted on 06/16/2010

My girls got along UNTIL the youngest became mobile and wanted a toy at Grandma's house. They are 15 months apart. Now 11 and 12 years in age. I have tried and tried to get them to understand that they are individuals and need to be treated with respect. I often act as intermediary because they will not listen to what the other has to say. It is frustrating. But then, this is definitely better than how it was between my sister and I; we actually smacked and kicked each other when we were kids. I guess that a certain amount of sibling dispute is normal, that it is a learning process of socialization. I often point out to them that they couldn't get away with treating their friends the way they treat each other. But it helps for me to talk with them individually, to spend that time together talking about whatever is bothering them. The peace is temporary but it is something.

Kimberly - posted on 12/11/2009

my goodness i thought i was bymyself, my girls age 11 ,9 ,and 7 argue all day from sun up to sun down.she hit me she lookes at me shes by me all day long the only time they get along is when its dinner time. i make them hug and say to each other i love you and all but they never seem to get along. oh and its always thats my momma not there mother.i hate because my brother and i had a hate love relationship, we couldnt stad each other half of the time but when it came down to we had each others back but my girls dont .Searching for answers

Belinda - posted on 12/06/2009

Put every comment on this post together and that is what I am going through. My girls, ages 15, 13, 11, 8, and 3 1/2 all fight all day long, verbally and physically. I am going nuts. I have 5 girls wanting 5 different things from me all at the same time. I try to spend 20 to 30 minutes of alone time with each one everyday but I have a special needs child who needs constant supervision and the other 4 always seem to do something that needs my attention. I wish I could clone myself...lol

Holly - posted on 11/11/2009

My boys are 6 and 3 and the younger has almost caught up with his brother in size, strength, etc. I've gotten used to the "he hit me", "well, he hit me first" kinda bickering, but their newest thing is racing. Everything from getting dressed to getting in the car is a race.....everything except things I would encourage like bathing, brushing teeth, etc! Now, it's "he beat me" and "I wanted to do it first". It's the younger that initiates it and I've even tried reasoning with the older to ignore and not encourage such petty stuff. Unfortunately, the older has always been a beanpole and he likes being able to show his own prowess! I'm hoping they will soon grow tired of the game and move on to their next aggrivating behavior!

Lynette - posted on 05/20/2009

My daughter is 11, smart, sociable, and totally embarrassed by her 13 year old autistic brother who is sweet, but somewhat loud and intrustive out in public. At school she would rather die that bump in to him in front of her friends. Anyone else here dealing with a similar issue of a "typical" child being so embarrassed by their special needs sibling??

Maggie - posted on 04/27/2009

Thanks for the great tips Suzy!

Suzy - posted on 04/27/2009

I've made my boys, who share a room, play separately. One play for an hour while the other has to sit in another room doing nothing. Just gets to sit there, read a book or whatever. When 50 min of that is up the one playing cleans up their mess and comes in to sit down while the other goes and plays. After a day or two of that they are beggin to play together lol Then I bring up "I'll let you play together if you think you can be nice!" Usually they are all for it.
Another thing we do is "unplugged." It was on the Dr Phil show once. My boys see a therapist for their ADHD and I've talked to her about it and she says if it works then great!! Unplugged is: if it uses electricity or batteries, you cant have it. No gameboys, no game systems, no tv, no dvds, no mp3 player or radio. Only thing you can have is light. You set an amount of time for them to be unplugged. In this day and age believe me they seem to "just die" without those things.
Time out sessions with them standing at the door. You gage the amount of time on their age. My 14yr old gets 14 min. No arguing no yelling, nothing. When one gets going I just say, "Go set the timer and go to the door." Their therapist is the one that told me to try that one. I've sent my 14yr old to the door about four times one day. He chilled out and got the point. I hope that helps some one.

Charmaine - posted on 03/25/2009

Hi there  I am so glad that I am not the only one who is going through this love/hate sival rivalry. My girls aged 8 & 7 are are  so jelous of each other that it drives me crazy. They can be the best of freinds at times and then all of a sudden almost out nowhere it will explode into a all out brawl with my oldest throwing things and shouting and my youngest shouting and screaming. It is like being at a football match it is just madness.  If I tell one of them off for something then the other will laugh at them or start to add there bit into the conversation and if ask one of them to do something then I get But she is does have to do it. I try and explain that we all have differnent roles in life and give them both jobs to do at the same time but it is driving me banana's

Michelle - posted on 03/20/2009

hi my children are girl 8 boy 5 my little boy idolizes his big sister he always wants to play with her but she wont give him the time of day she locks herself in her room screaming for him to go away she always tells me and anyone who will listen she never wanted a brother she really wanted a sister, i kept thinking this would stop mt son started school this year as far as i hear she is pleasant to him at school but soon as we get home it starts again. i was always so close to my younger brother and still am to this day we catch up every weekend and do things with our kids, i don't understand how my daughter can say she hates her brother how can i make her be loving and friendly or even just speak nicely to him as its makes me so sad to see her like this.

Maggie - posted on 03/18/2009

Holly - that's so wonderful that your kids get along and are sweet to each other.  I agree that it's very heart-warming for a mom to watch.  My kids were like that for several years -- it wasn't until my older one hit puberty that things shifted -- maybe you'll be lucky -- I truly hope so!  thanks for sharing and welcome to the group!

Holly - posted on 03/16/2009

So far I have been really lucky. From the moment my 6month old daughter was born, my 3yr old boy has adored her. There have been no signs of jealousy from him. If there is its the other way he wants her to pay attention to him and not the grown-ups. He hugs her and kisses her all the time. He helps feed her gets diapers when needed and even tries to help me do them up. He can be a little rough with her but that it. She needs to know where he is at all times. She has turned in the direction of his voice for months. The smiles she gives him are brighter the laughs are louder. Its adorable. Keeping my fingers crossed that they stay this way- it is the most heart warming thing to watch. I love my son even more for the great big brother that he is and my daughter for adoring him right back.

Nancy - posted on 02/01/2009

Yeah you are right Maggie. As I have said in my post, that when my girls are apart they seems to miss each other and when the sister comes back they tend to (for a while) be nice to each other. Also I am wondering because Charlotte said she got two boys who constantly fight. Isn't it true people says that boys are better because when they fight five minutes later it is over. While for girls, (like my girls) they carry on and on and on for days regarding the matter that they fight about which basically about nothing.I am just wondering if this is true since I do not have a boy.

Nancy - posted on 02/01/2009

Hello! My name is Nancy and I am from Australia. I am a new member of the group and I am so glad that I have opened up this section Circle of mums in facebook. It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my problem with my three girls ages 11, 9 and 6. Yeah all girls !! From the morning they wake up to the time they go to bed they are always beakering and at times physically abusive to each other. I tried all sorts of things when they are young like time out, missing in watching TV, etc..but now it doesn't work anymore. But they miss each other if they are apart and they are so concern if one is sick. When I was growing up I really can not remember when my brother and I fight. Actually never !! and my sister and I only had argument/fight at least only three times in my whole entire life !! So I do not understand why my girls always fight. I always tell them to love and support each other because if me and their dad died, they only have each other. It doesn't seem to work. that is why I am not looking foward towards their teenage life. Imagine all the hormones!!

Lisa - posted on 01/28/2009

I have the same problem. I have a 10 year old and a 6 year old and the 10 year old thinks she is the boss of the 6 year old and it is driving me crazy. I don't know what to do. I have tried everything, punishing, taking things away, time out, etc., nothing works. They fight all the time. I have also considered getting boxing gloves and letting them go outside and just fight it all out. They don't physically try to hurt each other it is just the fussing all the time and arguing and irritating each other. The little one will pinch if she gets mad but that is the only physical thing that is done. I am so tired of the fighting and yelling and punishing and it not doing any good. Someone please HELP me!!

Maggie - posted on 01/18/2009

Hi Charlotte - hang in there - if you read the other posts here, it seems to be a big problem in a lot of families.  I'm starting to think that it's part of life's lessons - learning to live with others starts with our families.  Unfortunately, people tend to take their loved ones for granted.  Since your boys share a room, I wonder if there's any way to give them some space otherwise -- like maybe one can be at a sport activity and the other stay home with an adult.  One thing I've noticed is that whenever my oldest (daughter) has spent any time away from home with friends, she tends to be nicer to her brother.  I don't know the answers either, but with all the smart moms on here, I hope you get some ideas.  Good luck!

Charlotte - posted on 01/18/2009

My boys are 12 and 8 and they both think they are each others boss. They always fight, they are always telling each other what to do. I feel like pulling my hair out when they get started. I can't say one did something wrong because the other says you always take up for him. I can't stay our of it because they aggrivate me. I want to just let them go in the yard and beat each other up, but the 12 year old is obvious stronger and would hurt the 8 year old. I just with they would stop. I have run out of ideas. I have already tried everthing to get them tostop. they share a room so i can't seperate them.

Caroline - posted on 01/11/2009

We have 3, oldest is a boy (11), then another boy (9) and a girl (7 1/2). Things have been copacetic for the most part until recently. The oldest and youngest have started to react to each other/to rub each other the WRONG WAY over the past 6 months. He's entered puberty and has some attitide and she's an emotional drama queen, reactive most times (with everyone).

We had them in Montessori at young ages and we've raised them with 'use your words', 'kindness to others' etc. At times, they can pull it out, but most often these days it's picking at each other [like cats & dogs].

After so many years of talking about how everyone feels, I've turned to 'time outs' and for the first time with each of them, it worked (meaning they went to the 'punishment', kept quiet and came out of it in SILENCE! I/we just have to remember it in the moment and not get involved talking with them.

I had a revelation about the 'time out' - now that they're older, it works perfectly in my mind - to put them in a 'time out' without any talking or discussing, because they're being sent to time out for an infraction that they've been warned against again, and again, and again, and I believe that they get it. We'll see... it certainly isn't easy and I couldn't imagine getting through it all without my husband at my side!

Jackie - posted on 01/11/2009

I think that is everyday in my household! I have a 9 yr old boy and a 13 yr old girl....boy do they argue. They do not physically fight (at least not yet) but they argue about anything and everything. I find my son making comments on everything and then it becomes a fight. Then there is my daughter who knows everything at the ripe old age of 13! My husband and I just want to pull our hair out! I know they love eachother but sometimes I just want to cry!



I want to pass along an idea a co-worker gave me the other day....when they start arguing, have them sit on the couch and hold hands for a length of time. I though that sounded good, then another co-worker made a suggetion that she did with her children. When they got into a fight, she made them clean eachother's rooms!!!! I am going to have to try this one! Especially since my daughter's room is alway messy!

Tina - posted on 01/08/2009

Holy Cow.  I feel that way almost every day.  I am considering getting the official shirt.  My kids are 5, 10 and 12 the 12 year old being a girl. My two boys don't respect anything or anyone be it theirs or not and my 12 year old hides in he room all day. 

Valerie - posted on 12/11/2008

Thank you Maggie! Sometimes we just need encouragement and support. I guess that my problem is that I always wished that I had had a sister (I have two older brothers) so I hate it when my girls fight. My husband has tried the "one day you may need a kidney and she'll be the only one that will match..." talk. It didn't work...surprise, surprise :D I will definitely be getting that book, thank you for the suggestion!

Maggie - posted on 12/10/2008

Valerie - I totally feel for you! Keep hanging in there -- and don't give up. Does taking away privileges work at all? Also, keeping them apart sometimes will at least keep them from physically hurting each other. Sometimes it's just something they have to work out for themselves...unfortunately you are caught in the middle b/c it hurts to see our children hurt each other. One other thing is to TRY not to get involved in the argument/fight....tell them they need to make "I" statements & not "you did this". Ever read Love & Logic? There are a lot of ideas in there. Good luck!

Valerie - posted on 12/07/2008

Finally! Some help with my two girls who are caught in this love/hate (seems like mostly the latter) rivalry. My girls (I actually have four children, but the two in the middle are the ones with the problems) are 15 (she'll be 16 next month) and 13. They have fought like cats and dogs ever since the younger one could walk. It's horrible! I am actually afraid that they are going to kill each other sometimes! I have taken them to a therapist but it just doesn't seem to work. I feel like I am at my wits end.

Michele - posted on 12/04/2008

I don't know why I ever thought my kids would be any different than my brother and I. We fought until we practically moved out- of course after we stopped living together, we got along fine- not super close but close enough. Why is it that some kids seem to be close there whole lives? I don't think there is anything else that I can do that I haven't already tried. They just got like this in the last five years- when they were young, they loved each other dearly.

Maggie - posted on 12/03/2008

Hi Joanne - I totally feel your frustration! It's not easy seeing our kids be mean to each other. You're not alone! I've posted here some things that have helped us, but it really comes down to the kids, doesn't it? When one of them starts the bickering, it would be great if the other one doesn't give in to it. :I hope others here will post their ideas too. Good luck!

Joanne - posted on 12/02/2008

Everyday it seems i have the WWE in my lounge. I have sat them down many a times and told them that they are sisters and they will best friends forever. I am hoping that this message will get through to them eventually.