Will they ever stop fighting!!!

Kim - posted on 03/08/2009

Wow! I am right there with you. 4 kids... 2 boys ages 5 & 6, and 2 girls ages 6 & 13. I feel like I should start the day of wearing some military battle gear. By the end of the day I am almost in tears. It is so draining to listen to all day long and every few minutes it's " Mom, so & so did this to me". Every great once in a while they will play so nicely together, but 90% of the time they are yelling, pinching, pushing, and making the other one cry. I sure hope it ends soon.

Maggie - posted on 03/08/2009

Thanks for all the great advice ladies!  I totally agree that sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up.  I remember having "fights" with my siblings growing up and we grew up to be very close.  Of course, my experience is radically different than my children's  -- I am the youngest of 7 and that alone is a huge dynamic. 

Lisa - posted on 03/07/2009

Here are a number of things tried over the years that have worked for bickering:

It may sound silly, but the holding hands thing does work. Mine are 10 and almost 12 now (girls) but when they were younger and started bickering in stores, I would have them hold hands. They had to hold hands through the store, everywhere we went, even to get into their seatbelts when we got to the car. They found they had to work together to make it functional. Usually they would stop arguing because I became the common enemy. That's OK, I could take it. (What's really funny is if you say, "Stop bickering," they can't. But if you say, "Hold hands," they actually do it!)

At home, I would also have them sit face to face, knee to knee in total silence. Nope, not a word. 100% of the time, within minutes they would end up laughing. Success! They were friends again.

If it is just verbal bickering (we have never had severe physical violence) I tell them, "Bickering is only allowed outside." Like the hand holding, they would actually go outside! Usually they would end up fine within minutes because it broke up the situation that was causing the bickering. If it was cold they wanted inside more than they wanted to bicker. If they did come in and weren't done bickering, I would simply invite them to go back outside until they could come in...holding hands. :)

I have a list of chores: clean the fridge, wipe the baseboards, clean the sliding glass door, sweep the porch, etc. When they are bickering and I have to get involved, I will let them know that since they have drained my energy or taken my time, that they need to do something for me, or for our home, to give back. They have to work on that chore together. Mind you, there are moments when just doing the chore will make them angry at each other, so they go at it again. I simply ask if they want a second chore! If they argue with me for one second, "Wow! I guess you want a second chore, so do ______ when you're done with the first chore." They rarely backtalk for a third chore. Sometimes they end up working it out and working well together. Other times, at least something is getting done for the house instead of arguing.

I do think sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up. How you handle it (hopefully without yelling and with hair intact) will help your sanity even if your kids have years of working through it.

Tina - posted on 03/02/2009

I don't think there is a solution for sibling rivalry.  It just comes along with being brother/sisters.  I fought with my sister growing up and we outgrew it eventually.  I have 3 girls and they are always fighting with one another over something.  You just have to pick your battles and let them work it out themselves if possible.  So yes, they will outgrow it eventually.  I try and tell myself to enjoy the good with the bad because I know there will be one day, when I will miss that arguing when they are grown up and out of the house.

Sue-Anne - posted on 02/27/2009

Well I am so glad I am not allone. I have 4 kids, my eldest is a girl 9, then she has 3 brothers 6, 2.5 and 8mths...She is constantly fighting with the 6yr old! Everytime we are sitting down to eat, or in the car, or watching a movie, everything he says- she has to say something about! Then he is quiete strong for his age, and after a few times he shouts and screams and it turns into a wrestling match! This has now started affecting my 2.5 year old, who sees how his big brother acts, then does it to her too! If you have any advice, on how to get them to actually be nice to each other , then please feel free to offer it! the strange thing is , when we are away on holiday then they get on perfectly fine! I also find my myself shouting at them now, thinking they are fighting, just to find out the are in fact "playing"....

Jacque - posted on 02/24/2009

Make them sit and hold hands for 5 min. without saying a word to each other. Tell them you are tired of the fighting and it is going to stop. You can beat them with a stick and it is not as bad as a punishment. I used this on my three children when they were around 7, 9, 11. I was at my last straw and asked the lord for a little help. This is what poped into my head it WORKED. For every time they made a face or tried to make the other have a response they had to sit for another minute. The whole time they were growing up I only had to use this a tolal of about 4 times. This to will pass and it does get better. goodluck

Maggie - posted on 02/22/2009

Make room in the loony bin for me too! LOL - but seriously, I'm sorry you're going through this -- my children are not physically abusive, but my oldest is verbally abusive to the younger one and sometimes I think the verbal stuff may be worse...I am fed up and am at my wit's end -- I feel like this has to stop or there will be irreversible damage to their relationship -- not to mention the younger one's self-esteem and the constant bickering does not make for a happy home....if anyone has any suggestions....please share! thanks 

Gillian - posted on 02/20/2009

Grow out of it? Maybe. I left them in the car for five minutes today and came back to what appeared to be fighting. When I told them to stop (it's almost automatic now), the oldest one said they were playing not fighting and I shouldn't accuse them of fighting all the time. Their 'play' involved trying to pull each other's head off! I said to him that every - and I mean every - encounter between the two of them ends up in a knock-down, drag-out fight so I've come to expect it. I then asked him if I was wrong... I'm still waiting for an answer.

Their grandparents gave them each a pocket knife - which I've had to confiscate because they've each threatened the other with it. They continually tell me how much they hate the other. The youngest threatens bodily harm with whatever weapon is handy while the oldest just hits whenever he gets close. I've told them both if they can't get along to just stay away from each other. It hasn't worked so far. Separating them doesn't work unless I stand in the hallway between their two rooms for the duration.

I'm thinking of giving them the keys to the house and having myself admitted to the loony bin.

User - posted on 02/13/2009

ha... I just read this and realized I typed sign and not sing... makes a big difference.

User - posted on 02/13/2009

Hi. I have done a few things that work (nothing works every time) for my 6yr girl and 8yr boy. If they are being physically mean then I will make them hold hands (after the first few times, the threat is usually all it takes). If their arguement has them emotionally out of control then I do something really funny to distract them and bring them back to reality (like sign horribly and loud). This also helps me from just yelling at them. It releases tension from all of us. Once they are 'out of' the arguement for a minute, I can paraphrase their discussion for them. When they hear what they sound like and what they were arguing about SOMETIMES they realize what a waste of time it was (with a little prodding from me). Of course, sometimes I end up pulling my hair out too. :-)

India - posted on 02/05/2009

When I was younger my 3 brothers and I fought all the time, and sometimes it got very very violent! We are all past that now, I think we got out of it in high school times as we got more involved with things outside the house. We are okay with each other now, but I wouldn't say that we are very close.

I now have three kids and I constantly remind them that no matter what happens in life they are a team and they always have to stick together. Occasionally I'll make the 11yoB & 9yoG hug each other for a type of "time out" for being evil to each other. I also encourage them to play games and do things together and also get involved in sports (that they want) I think this has helped them to blow off frustrations and energy and explore their individual personality and strengths.

To a degree the fighting will always happen, that is how we learn conflict resolution - but perhaps talking to them about the methods that adults (for the kids who understand) are told to use, counting to ten, calmly repeating what the other person has expressed, etc. OR, perhaps in open conversation complementing one child for something and not allowing the other to insult or tear down that achievement - and the same process for each kid. None of these are easy or quick, but if they work at all, they will be worth it. (and it is also still a work in progress for us.)

India R.

Katrina - posted on 02/02/2009

Well some people say that when siblings fight constantly as kids, they end up very close as adults. Let's hope so!  My son is 14 and my daughter is 11.  They basically can't stand each other.  The constant bickering and yelling and swearing at each other is making me go crazy!  It's come to the point that they take turns going to their dad's house so that they can be apart.  My daughter is very bitter towards my son and even though sometimes he will be civil to her, she just lashes at him and tells him to go away.  Every time we drive somewhere, they always end up bickering about something silly which ends up in a name calling war.  The words they exchange amongst one another gets way out of hand and I usually break it up in a hurry.  Besides the odd time when my son will shove her, then she kicks him back, there hasn't been much physical fighting.  My son has said to me that no matter how much he "hates" his sister, he would be there to protect her if she ever needed him . 

Nancy - posted on 02/01/2009

Oh boy Priscilla, you are much worse than me. I got three girls. You, four girls !! Just wait when they reach their teenage years and all those hormones kicking !! Goodluck!

Nancy - posted on 02/01/2009

I really hope you are right Tarsha that they will outgrow it one day. Hopefully, before the fighting and bickering turns to "hate and total dislike for each other". That would be so painful for a mother to see.

Stacey - posted on 01/29/2009

I wish I could say yes they will grow out of it, however in my situation that didn't happen. My kids are 15 and 11 and they've been fighting for their whole lives and it doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon! I've tried everything and nothing works, I just hope it doesn't affect their relationship into adulthood. Good Luck...and if you come up with anything let me know.

Lisa - posted on 01/28/2009

I am so glad I am not the only one here with this problem. I have two girls 10 and 6 and they fight constantly. It starts when they wake up in the morning and never ends. I get so tired of it. Punishing does no good. The 10 year old thinks she is the mother and can tell the 6 year old what to do and no matter what I tell her she still thinks she has the right to tell the youngest what to do. I am going crazy here. Sometimes they are the sweetest things to each other and play so nicely and I sit there and go "Wow, they can be nice to each other" and then you turn around and they are at it again. The youngest one just tries to make the oldest one mad and it usually works. I have asked them if they love each other because there are some days that I really don't think they do. We have had such bad days sometimes that I just cry and have to leave the house and cool off and come back. Please somebody help me.

Tarsha - posted on 01/26/2009

lol!!! it may not be that soon :) but it will happen. I think girls really fight for the attention of mom and you know girls want to be the "it" girl in every aspect of everything. My youngest daughter (Danielle) hated being known as "Darielle's little sister." Once she embraced it was okay to be the younger sister and she got comfortable with who she was - it has been like heaven in my household.

Joanne - posted on 01/24/2009

It's good to hear that they may outgrow this one day. Hopefully it's when they are 7 and 8. My girls are 6 and 7. :)

Tarsha - posted on 01/22/2009

I never thought they would stop fighting, but eventually they do. I have three children: one son (17) and two daughters 14 and 13. My son, really doesn't have too much to do with his sisters, but he and the youngest, really don't like each other but they don't fight, so that is a good thing. However, from the time my daughters were born, all they did was fight. I think the middle girl didn't get enough time to be a baby, and when my youngest was younger, she didn't like to be in her sisters shadow. Now I am an only child and this used to really disturb me. But one day (about two years ago) they just stopped. They love each other, hang-out with each other and even have the same friends. I think once they just got comfortable with who they were, they started loving each other. Now I really don't think that there is any advice to give. I think it just happens when it happens.

Charlene - posted on 01/22/2009

It must be this generation of kids these days, My girls are 9 and 6 and I swear as soon as they walk in the door from school it starts, and I yell, sometimes so much I cry and think why me and wonder what to do to get them to stop, I've tried everything and came to the conclusion that it is a jealousy issue to get my attention.  Ok so now you have my attention what do you want.....LOL  I could just scream and pull my hair out somedays, and other days they play and get along like bf's.  And to boot they share a bedroom.  YIKES!!  space issues, property issues, I could go on and on, but you all know what I mean.  PLEASE HELP!!!!!

Gillian - posted on 01/21/2009

I'm in the same boat. I have 2 boys, age 15 and 12, and they have been fighting forever. Sometimes it gets downright violent. I don't dare have a nice, long soak in the tub because they'll be at each other's throats inside of ten minutes.

If anyone has a solution, they'd better get a patent - they'd make a mint!

Priscilla - posted on 01/19/2009

blahh i know what you mean!!!  I never went throught this with my brothers, but then again, they are my brothers we didnt  have to fight over toys or cloths or space.  I have 4 girls and OMG...sometimes I feel like putting them up for adoption!!!! hahahahaha...no way but still they get on my last nerve and sometimes its for something so stupid and you just want to yell 'are you kidding me' but I dont. 

Belinda - posted on 01/18/2009

I know how you feel. I swear I have bald patches on my head! My 7yo and 2.5yo seriously get stuck into each other lately. Maybe it worse cause of the holidays...I have tried the time out and taking things off them (if you fight over it neither of you have it), I am not a big fan of smacking but feel sometimes I have to to get them both to snap out of it! The older one will taunt the younger one and then the 2.5yo lashes at the 7yo then the 7yo cries like a baby so that the 2.5yo gets into trouble. Sneaky I know. I find the best I can do is separate them but that only lasts a while and then they are back at it. I hope they grow out of it and can be close....

Charlotte - posted on 01/18/2009

My boys are 12 and 8 and they are forever fighting also. If you get the answer please let me know. I am so tired of the fighting. I wish i could make them show they love each other.

Gill - posted on 01/17/2009

I could also use some help. My son is 20 and quite large (about 2m); it does not help that he has dyspraxia and a bit of Asperger's. He throws his not inconsiderable weight around with his sister (18); he seems to feel the need to lord it over her. She gets quite stressed about it. They are both at home whilst studying. He is happier now he's at college and appears to be making some friends, but he won't talk to his sister on the bus or if they bump into each other at college.

Michele - posted on 01/06/2009

I'm trying to firgure the same thing out......the only thing is that mine are two boys at the same ages as yours.

Bobbie - posted on 01/06/2009

If you find an answer, please let me know, my 8 yr old daughter is so bossy over her brothers 7 and 4. She just sounds so mean when she talks to them, we have talked with her about it, sent her to her room, taken her things away, and yet she still does it. And then on top of that, the boys are always fighting over something. If just feels like complete chaios most days. Any Help would be GREAT!

Sandi - posted on 12/21/2008

I need help too. I have a 4yr.old son & an 8yr old daugther who are constantly beating eachother up. It's so bad that I'm ready afraid that they are going to kill one another someday. It's so bad that just the other day my daugther was strangling my son & then my son decided to hit my daugther on the head with his nintendo ds.

Michele - posted on 12/18/2008

I need some ideas too. I'm having the same problem that Mia is having. The only thing is it's with 2 boys.....6yr and 7yr. Help please!!!!!

Mia - posted on 12/11/2008

I have 5 and 7 year old daughters and if one isnt picking on the other, its the other way around. I've tried the making them apologize to each other or sitting them both down and talking to them about the importance of being sisters but sometimes it goes in one ear and out the other. They are really good girls who make excellent grades in school, but when they get home, and only at home do they bicker with each other, any ideas?!